Depression after surgery

[Sparkleboo]

Having had brain aneurysm coil and stent surgery last year , I’ve become very depressed and anxious , seems like everything around me is crumbling and I don’t feel strong enough or good enough for anything or anyone , to make matters worse my boss keeps cutting my hours ( seems like just when she feels like it ) which is making me feel more and more worthless

I haven’t told her how I feel as I think she may hold it against me , people say go get another job ( I’d love to ) but with my age and COVID there just aren’t jobs out there the financial strain on top of everything else is just getting too much for me , my migraines are again taking over my life , has anyone else been in the same situation

Thanks

[Pairofboots]

Hi Sparkle. It might be worth having a chat with your GP and or, your surgeon about how you are feeling. There is help. You may need support from a neuro-psychologist and or, a neuro-psychiatrist. They can help with the understanding of how you have been affected by the surgery, and stroke. It is common after a brain injury that your mood can dip. It can feel like everything is conspiring against you. This isn't something that you can correct without help. You are not alone in feeling as you do, I know how hard life can feel 🍀

[Sparkleboo in reply to Pairofboots]

Thanks for your encouraging words , I’ve tried several medications but have yet to find one that agrees with me and doesn’t increase the migraines , I’ve also been in touch with the nurse specialist at the hospital who is going to put me in touch with their psychologist , but it’ll take time , and some days it just gets the better of you and like you say you feel as if everyone is conspiring against you , I just feel as if I’ve lost my voice and don’t feel strong enough to either say or stand up for myself at the moment , seem to have lost any fight that I once had , think being the nice person in life can sometimes come back to bite you and others say and do whatever they want and you just stand there frozen to the spot unable to say anything or get away from the situation , I know it’ll take time but I just want to stop feeling so worthless , but I guess it’s a work in progress

[Pairofboots in reply to Sparkleboo]

You do have worth Sparkle, never forget that, even when your own emotions scream loud. I was once the nice person that never said boo, then I became the angry one, like a tinder box waiting to explode. It has taken many years, and a brain hiccup for me to learn I am myself. I can let others make me feel bad, I can confront them, but best of all, is to bide my time, I control how I feel, after the night, the sun always rises.

[Sparkleboo]

Thank you , like you say after the night the dawn , it takes a lot to pluck up the courage to say “ I need help “ but getting that help from family , friends and employer is hard , I have tried , but it’s been swept under the rug so to speak , either people ( family ) don’t know how to help or in the case of employer didn’t even seem to listen to what I was trying to say , tomorrow is a new day so try again that’s all we can do thanks again for your encouragement

[textile163 in reply to Sparkleboo]

Another pepping up saying I rather like: Above the clouds the sun is shining. Hope the sun comes out soon for you and all in this situation.

[JHN62]

Hi Sparkle, I am so sorry you are experiencing this it does become your driver in life and all you can focus on...I know, I understand, I've been on that bus too!! Your brain is still recovering and for me, it took a long time to know myself again. In fact, I'm not sure I even am the 'same' person, but I have learnt to accept & adapt to the 'new' me. Like you, age was a factor in my employment however, I did find an alternative job that gave me a refreshed and different outlook. I believe this gave me a renewed challenge and bolstered my self confidence & self worth - it was still daunting, but telling myself every day that "I can do this" rebuilt my determination, even though some days I faltered & cried like a baby!!

It is so tough being in the brain's black hole, but others are and have been there! Have you considered joining a local Headway support group? Finding the right help, for you, is so important even a hobby or activity that you can get involved with. It is not easy as you think it is pointless, won't help, you can't be bothered, don't have the energy or drive - all obstacles that the depression lays in front of you. You can prove it wrong, not instantly but over time it does become easier & eventually you find yourself walking out of the darkness. It is difficult for family & friends to grasp how you are feeling, how can they? They did not go through the trauma you (we) did and therefore can't relate to your feelings now. I went through the pretence and put on a mask of 'normality' until I no longer could and broke down, very messily! Maybe, that was what I needed, it made me realise that I really wasn't ok and it was time to admit that to myself and others.

So, Sparkle please don't put extra pressure on yourself, learn to find and love the person you are now. The person before your 'brain burp' may still be there, but don't dig frantically trying to find her...you are already you!! Sending love and strength from another survivor xx

[Sparkleboo in reply to JHN62]

Thanks for those encouraging words it’s comforting to know I’m not alone , feel as if I’m dropped off in the middle of a bucket of water and as much as I try I can’t reach the edge , I’m trying , but when you pluck up the courage to let someone know how you feel and they brush it aside even tho they themselves have struggled with depression before it’s a hard place to find yourself , everyone else has their own lives ( family ) and I don’t want to put extra on them as they have enough going on in their lives without adding my problems to them , mums are supposed to be invincible 😂 , I’ll work on the new me it’ll just take time thanks again

[Painting-girl]

Don't struggle on alone S, it's good you've posted on here - probably most of us here have experienced those feelings of worthlessness to some degree, as we deal with the aftermath of BI. You can always post here and we will 'get it'

Pairofboots is right, a neuropsychologist and a neuropsychiatrist can be enormously helpful to have onside - because they're the medical professionals that also 'get it' - and the relief of talking to someone who does is incalculable.

Have you tried talking everything through with the Headway helpline - they're open office hours on 0808 800 2244 - just having an informed listening ear to talk to might help a bit, and they may be able to offer some practical advice as well.

The right drug can help to get you on an even keel, but sometimes it takes a while to sort out what works for you personally, as a population, we tend to be quite sensitive to drug effects - so need the 'start low, go slow' approach to meds. That's why neuropsychiatrists are the go to people for us.

I hope you get some well deserved support - and let us know how you get on x

[Sparkleboo in reply to Painting-girl]

Thank you it’s a comfort to know I’m not alone x have started some meds that are slow release as the ones I’ve tried so far give me hellish migraines I’m on day 4 and so far so good , I’m waiting for psychologist from the hospital I had surgery done to contact me , there’s only so many times when you get really emotional and hubby says what’s wrong ……..but you can’t answer cos you’re not sure why or how you feel yourself so how can you tell them ….I’m a work in progress I guess , but I’m trying and don’t want to give up just got to be the new me !!