Rushing ahead with adaptations

[knitandcrochet]

Hi I just joined tonight as I'm feeling a bit desperate! My husband sustained a brain injury on 20th July- not quite a fortnight ago. He was knocked from his bike and subsequently had a brain clot which couldn't be dispersed. He has profound weakness down the left side and is in rehab since Friday 23rd. He is cognitively aware . My biggest problem is that he is running through scenarios - mostly involving being wheelchair dependant ( which may be the case , physio say we need to wait to see what progress he makes ) and so far this week he has suggested : moving from our home and buying a permanent house in the seaside resort where we already have a tiny holiday flat.

Moving to a ground floor flat and buying a further property where we have a holiday flat.

Converting our Victorian semi to include a downstairs wet room.

I am reeling from the shock of having a husband with life changing injuries, and I'm struggling massively with the many possibilities this may entail. I totally understand he is trying to regain control over life but my instinct is to be a bit patient and not rush into costly moves / renovations which may not eventually meet his needs. He is determined to " get out " by the end of August and is demanding he has somewhere adapted by then. Any advice?

[Marnie22]

Hi. It must be so hard for you to try and adjust to everything. I think it might be really helpful for you to call the Headway helpline. Their number is 0808 800 2244. They will be able to talk things through with you, answer your questions and give you advice and support. I don't know what I would have done without them to help me.

Sending best wishes.

[New_beginning]

Hello, I understand his logic on this, but has he the understanding what this involves,

He is very lucky if cognitive ability still sharp, and may be he is just thinking hes been so lucky and now wants to take life by the horns with unexpected situation like this, he may want to enjoy like and hes probably worried about finances long term reason planning now. However is there children involved, do you work, depending on children's age stage in education can be difficult does he understand the consequences of his wishes.

If you have a supportive family does he understand the impact this may have moving away.

I dont have supportive family or friends, they walked away they couldn't cope with husband life changing injuries, but I envy people on here that have the support networks and I can only dream what a good family looks like but it's so important not just for husband, but mainly you.

Has he become tunnel visioned on this topic, has it become a little obsessed. Does he become confrontational if against, does he become fatigued from that conversation

My husband 16.5months now we are only just properly adjusting/adapting its taken 10.5months to feel we got this, however neither of us have accepted. It may be you will do in near future as sounds lovely and your in good position to do so, but doing straight away will cause many hurdles with his actual recovery, plus what does BI Team , GP services look like with new location, bad enough where I live down south, further on south have issues with nhs funding

[paxo05]

Hi and welcome. Two weeks is a very short time in recovery for such big changes.

Being in a wheelchair may well be a temporary situation until physio has done its magic tricks.

It's great he is able to think and plan, although planning for the worst at this stage may be premature.

Could he concentrate his aims in getting and keeping upright.

It took me a year to start walking with sticks and several more to be able to ditch those.

It can be a long battle but a worthwhile one.

Good luck ,

Pax

[Skallagrigg]

And breathe! You too have been through a trauma, slow down, talk to doctors headline gp etc, 2 weeks is a short time for changes to be made, he may calm down too, he may not need to do all this, he may come round to wanting familiar home or not, speak to his consultant about recovery first and good luck

[Hidden]

Hi. It does seem too soon to be making major ‘life changes’. An option could be for him to do a Paper Exercise into what all these different options entail. It will give him something to do that may take his mind off things. Being stressed will have his brain in a whirr. That is really quite normal. You both need time to emotionally recover from this; never mind the physical side. Fight or flee are pretty standard trauma responses. I would recommend asking the hospital for some specialised counselling to go along with his physio. Looking ahead is fine, but as you said, you won’t know if there are any physical limitations for a while yet. Take care and make sure you get some support too xx

I would also suggest he focuses on April next year. You will know more then. Spring is the time for new beginnings x

[Pairofboots]

Hi, and welcome. I tend to agree with others, that two weeks in recovery is a little soon to be making decisions that are so far reaching, involving huge amounts of money, is this realistic? At the best of times, it would be near impossible to achieve such actions.

You both have had a major shock, and need to take stock. Your husband is in the eye of the storm at the moment, even if there is no cognitive effects, he needs to slow down and work with the rehab team. I would hope that his goal is reachable, but wouldn't think if he was that well, that he would have been placed in rehab.

Have a chat with the rehab team, they may need to be addressing your husband's views.

Also you know your husband well, if you think how he is, is he presenting is as if nothing has happened? Even without physical challenges, anyone following an accident like this is like to try to over compensate, to maintain their normality.

Headway can offer you both support and information, their contact information is pinned to this page.

I wish you and your husband well 🍀

[Painting-girl]

Everyone has said really absolutely sensible things here K (and the writing down all the different options is a great idea from Criplady) . I'll just add, that one of the things that can disappear after a BI is impulse control - which might explain the urgency here. Plus a lack of self awareness can also be common.

I agree with you, that rushing into costly alterations or moves is too soon. I'm guessing that for anything major like this, you would normally discuss and plan it carefully, and weigh up the impact on your lives and on your joint finances before proceeding? Is he also assuming he will be able to return to work quickly - because this isn't always the case unfortunately - which could also have quite a bearing on your financial decisions (I know I assumed I'd be able to return to work for at least 18 months into my apparently fairly minor TBI.. and my impulse control on shopping quite evaporated - three handbags and three pairs of rather expensive shoes in a single outing I believe - partly because my decision making was so poor, and it also seemed a great idea to have them all there and then - I still shudder when I think of it...)

So sorry for what has happened, and the impact on both of you - hang onto your gut feelings on this though, and make sure you don't take on more than you can cope with at this time as the others say. The Headway helpline (as well as talking on here) is as Marnie says, a great resource when you need to talk x

[knitandcrochet]

Many thanks to everyone who has replied. It's very helpful to hear that recovery can extend well past the six weeks that physio have said he would be in the head injury ward. Our kids are all in their twenties and thirties so financially we are luckier than many, I can't imagine how much worse this would be if we had small dependants. I think a paper and pen exercise is a great idea- he is always a great planner and this is definitely what he's doing now is to run through all the possible options . I'm really glad to have my gut instinct confirmed though that major and costly adaptation is too soon just now. Thank you all again so much. I'm sure I'll be back in here often!