Update on my situation for the kind people who gav... - Headway

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Update on my situation for the kind people who gave me advice

Horsemad12 profile image
Horsemad12

Hi, I posted on here a few days ago and have been doing lots of thinking. Thank you to everyone who answered, I have told my partner that I can’t cope with his behaviour anymore and it’s not fair on the kids.... it’s not gone too well. I went to the local shop and he was outside the pub across the road drinking on his own. I scuttled past, went to the shop and walked back the long way so I didn’t have to pass the pub. He walked around the corner as I think he guessed I was going to go that way. He shouted and swore at me and my dad (with our toddler in the buggy) we ignored him and carried on walking. Since then I got home and locked the doors and he has phoned me 6 times (I didnt answer) and left me nasty voicemails and sent me nasty texts. I am ignoring him and hopefully he will calm down but if he turns up shouting I will call the police... have done that before. I feel strangely calm like I am taking back control of my life. If anyone wants to message me to chat, I would really appreciate some support. It’s not going to be easy but today is the first day of the rest of my life and things can only get better. Thank you to everything for talking to me honestly and saying it like it is. You are all amazing xxxx

15 Replies

Decisive action. Stay safe and good luck.

Thank you so much, trying to stay strong and think about a better future. Talking helps and the support on here has been amazing x

Good for you love,your going through it right now but I think you know you are doing what's right for yourself an the kids.who knows,you could be helping him too in the long run.stay strong and best wishes to youxxx

You're being so very brave - very well done you. I think it must be a bit nerve-wracking for you at the moment (I had to ask an emotionally abusive partner to leave our home, which I mainly owned, but it was tough - it's quite a few years ago now, but I do feel for you). The messages he's leaving you now, are him trying to get back control of you . It's not very nice to be on the receiving end, I know.

Have you tried the national helpline number for extra moral support as well? You might need that extra bit of backup to help maintain your resolve.

Stay brave and safe - love and virtual hugs from me, and please keep posting to us, take care x 🌸 🙏

Thank you so much, I am sorry you went through something similar a few years ago. It’s so hard accepting that the person you fell in love with isn’t who you thought they were. He has said sorry and promised to change so many times. He cries and blames his injury and I feel sorry for him and take him back. Yesterday he sent me so many messages, all nasty, trying to get me to react and get into a conversation with him but I ignored them. I locked the doors and closed the curtains and spent the evening dreading a drunken knock on the door but fortunately it didn’t happen.

Your support means so much as he has driven away some of my friends and I feel scared and isolated. Talking about it on here is really helpful so thank you for listening and talking to me xx

Hello H, I'm very glad that being able to talk on here has helped. You've done really well to take a big step like this. That sounds like a tough evening last night, I hope tonight is better. I think it takes a while to get past feeling scared and isolated, so try to keep looking for support here and other places, to help keep yourself together and to feel less isolated. Gingerbread are another place to talk to other single parents, and their helpline as well. The more you can talk to others, the easier it will be to see how differently other relationships can work - if that makes sense? You staying strong will keep you and your children safe. They are still very young and deserve to feel safe and secure, and so do you.

Here's a link to Gingerbread I found - gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-...

Thinking of you tonight, just deal with everything one step at a time, you're on the right path x 🌸🙏

Well done H in taking a stand. Brain injury can be confusing and lonely for those affected and often causes emotional instability and even aggression. But adding alcohol to the mix is dangerous for all concerned.

You've done well to take control despite threatening behaviour from your partner. The police might well need to be involved on occasions but they are more trained nowadays in awareness of underlying health problems in domestic issues.

This might be a wake up call for your man to admit he needs help and to talk about his issues with a professional. It might also shock him into realising his actions are unacceptable and need drastically reigning in. The disinhibition from brain injury often requires re-learning of boundaries and basic consideration for others, and this could be the start of that process. I hope so.

Take care m'love.. Cat x

Horsemad12 profile image
Horsemad12 in reply to cat3

Thank you so much, I can totally relate to your last paragraph. He (because of his injury) is virtually incapable of understanding other people’s feelings. The night he spent ranting about my 12 year old I was gutted. I tried to explain to my partner that I was upset for my son because he heard him saying nasty things about him and had had gone to school feeling sad and tired. My partners response was to get cross with me because my son should respect him and why did I always take my sons side.... he doesn’t get that his actions have an effect on the people around him and will shout and swear in public and say he doesn’t give a s*** about what other people think.

I do feel isolated and lonely (probably part of the reason I take him back) he has driven away some of my friends and I felt like I had nobody to turn to. It’s not his fault he has a brain injury and I feel sorry for him. I have tried so hard but don’t have the energy anymore to spend my life waiting for the next explosion to happen. It’s so sad but I need to think about the kids. Xx

cat3 profile image
cat3 in reply to Horsemad12

You've taken the only sensible option m'love. Most folk with brain injury lose friends because of an inability to keep pace with their lifestyles and friend's inability to accept the changes in them. But of course partners can become isolated too and start to lose outside support.

Your partner needs professional guidance in the two-way nature of respect within a domestic situation, especially where there are children. He's suffering I'm sure, but 'cruel to be kind' measures might be the only way to shock him into caring 'what other people think' and to seek the help he so badly needs.

Re-connect with friends and stay in touch with them to avoid feeling isolated and tempted to backtrack. We're always here too if/when you need moral support. I hope your man is willing & able to access the help he needs.... x 😏

Hi Horsemad, I am so pleased to read your post, and relieved. Any help you need or just to off load, just leave a message, or DM. I promise I will respond. Keep strong, keep safe, best wishes.

Ian

Hi horsemad, so glad you’ve got back in touch, I have been worried about you. You have taken the first big step, now you have to be resilient to stick to it, it maybe what your partner needs to get help and stop drinking, it’s going to be difficult because he lives nearby, but believe me it will be the best decision you can make. I wish you lots of luck and love, stay strong, and come and let us know what’s going on, when you can love Alice xx

Thank you so much, it’s been a difficult weekend but I feel sort of relieved. He has bombarded me with nasty texts, which I haven’t reacted or replied to and phoned me to shout at me. I stopped answering the phone to him after a while. You are right, I need to stick to it. That’s where I have gone wrong in the past. Thank you so much, I have lost friends because of him and I feel isolated and alone so your support means so much xx

Hi horsemad, a lot of what you are going through I can sympathise as I too went through it, keep hold of those texts etc as proof if you need it, should you contact the police. We normally support the brain injured here but his problem isn’t the injury, it is the drink. I stood by my husband even through to him drying out eventually, and I gained the man I married once he stopped, he even said I had saved his life, I remained married for twenty seven years until he started cheating on me, that was the final straw, I wasted all my young years on him, and have never been interested in other relationships, he put me off trusting again, don’t let the same happen to you, glad your dad is nearby, I’m sure he will be supportive too. Will none of your friends be approachable now he won’t be on the scene, where about are you in the country, please feel free to contact me for any support you need, take care love Alice xx

Be strong for your kids, they shouldn't have to suffer and neither should you if he won't help himself❤❤❤❤

Hello H, I was just wondering how you are now? X

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