Hello everyone, I would like to apologise in advance for my post, I have had a horrible day just thinking and getting myself quite distressed.
My husband is still waiting to be discharged home whilst the alterations are being done to our home,it’s been nearly a year since he initially went into hospital. Due to Covid, I haven’t seen him physically except for once a week over about 10 weeks last summer.
Today, I have just not been able to get on with anything to keep me occupied and I have spent the whole day just sitting and just trying to envisage what our new future is going to be. I hate to admit but I am torturing myself with possible outcomes and am making myself feel sick with anxiousness.
I love my husband dearly but I so miss the man he was before, I really feel like I need him, he always put his arms around me and would tell me it will be alright. I don’t have that now and I’m seriously worried I won’t be able to do it
Sorry for such a morose post, I haven’t got anyone to voice my thoughts to.
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pozza40
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Please don't feel that you have to apologise. This community is the right place for you to say whatever you need to say. Sending you love and hugs. Also, don't forget, the Headway helpline is happy to talk with you to offer support. I have been told several times when I have called that they want to be there for us all and are fine if you want to call just to chat or moan. I have called them many times to cry to them. It can be very helpful just to let it all out, especially with people who know something of what you are facing.
Keep on posting. People on here will keep on trying to support and help.
Just to say I feel for you you Pozza. But though you're obviously feeling pressure and apprehension about the future, perhaps try to avoid creating unnecessary scenarios in your head. Try to develop the habit of halting yourself when you find yourself imagining difficulties and problematic events.
We need control over our lives but panicking over what might happen is a recipe for mental illness. And for the caring role you're about to undertake, you'll need optimum physical and mental strength, even if circumstances prove good.
Things rarely go as expected anyway (as we know too well) so please try to push scary thoughts aside and commit to taking your new role one day at a time. Easy for me to say I know, but it's doable m'love and I hope you can manage some peace, and to look after yourself, before your man's discharge.
You are stronger than you think. As Cat says, try not to worry about your future. As with everyone, the future is what it will be and cannot be second-guessed. We all have to deal with it as it occurs whether we worry about it or not.
I think the torture you're experiencing is the result of a 'fight or flight' response. It's an in-built, automatic physical reaction to fear. In many cases we modern humans cannot escape or fight our situation so we freeze and fret instead. The hormones (adrenaline, cortisol, norepinephrine) race around our system to help us 'escape', but when we have nowhere to run to, our brains explode with runaway thoughts instead!
The resultant stress is perfectly normal but knowing about it does not help you right now. Bear in mind that an excess of 'fight or flight' hormones on a regular basis can make us very ill indeed.
Mindfulness might help you manage runaway thoughts and reduce hormone levels - as will exercise. At least it will give you something productive to think about. Google 'mindfulness' if you're interested. There's CDs, books and all sorts of material online. If it's all a bit much right now, that's OK as well.
Meanwhile, keep posting and do take care of yourself. Try to get as much fresh air and exercise as you can; walking is excellent and will help flush out those stress-building hormones.
Hi Pozza40, my heart aches with your situation and the unknown for you; what you will experience when your husband is home. I can relate to the first year as the date and other dates of this painful experience is rather testing my own emotions im basicàlly up and down and its becoming unbearable.
I can handle the physical aspects, but hes mobile, but can be weak with symptoms. But with behaviour that has been consistant apart with few days here and there for a breather, even now nearing 12mths thinking how long does this go on for, can i handle another year, or two at this level. Then at the same time argueing with thoughts how awful to think such a way and then awful guilt with such thoughts. Then in the mixture of these thoughts im defending our hopes, our wishes our dreams in few years time, aiming for when this early stage especially behaviour improves. Near one year down the line, ive yet to have 2 full days of just husband being nice to me, near one year as to have any compliment just something nice like, you look nice today or thank you. The only time he has said thank you was when he thought i was the nurse 21st March.
I think this horrible first year date emotions has alot of play too with thoughts, how to judge with what is to come.
You will be on auto level, i put in routine, structure near enough to prior to bring familiarity, it was tough and thought it wouldnt work the first 4.5mths, but near a year later with the exact same pattern, its done wonders and has become our norm and i dont have to give prompts with family functioning routine. If anything i need the routine too, helps with coping mechanisms in a weird way.
Hi, we all have some sort of concerns about the future, some have more reason than others. It's human nature for comfort.
Try not to over think what might be, you can't control the mights, and the mights, might not happen, they might be easier, they might be more pleasant. A year ago was the worst day imaginable, you had tons of mights back then, but this is a year on, and you have survived and done things you never thought possible.
No need to apologise, be proud of how far you and your husband have come, every day there are thousands of mights, we all face them, and somehow we keep going, that might involve admitting that we don't know how, or asking for help, that is being human, that is strength.
Thank you everyone, I took a couple of nytol last night and had a good nights sleep and I am feeling more positive today. I know I am an over thinker and I am going to try and just focus on one day at a time. Thank you all for listening, you really are helping me through this xx
I feel for you, I really do. You've had a doubly bad year, with what happened and the pandemic. A proper nightmare. It's awful losing the man you love, my husband said to me a few weeks ago (2 years since TBI) " I'm sorry I'm not the man you married". It made me cry, but I'm so glad I've still got him, even if he is different. 2 of my neighbours have lost their husbands this past year, one to a heart attack and one to dementia. The latter is in a home, it happened so quickly, she can't see him and he doesn't know her anyway. Desperately sad. So, although your husband may be different, please try to find something in the new one to love. I'm sure you can. Take care. Xx
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