Hi. My wife has a Sub-arachnoid BH in 2012. She pulled through it and has pretty much fully recovered with the exception of balance and some mixed up words issues. It’s been a long time since it happened but I can’t seem to get over the thoughts that She is not really the person I fell in love with and I get angry at myself for thinking this. We have 2 teenage kids and she does everything a Mum would normally do, but stupidly I just can’t seem to move on from the idea that she’s not the one. I have no reason to think this but find myself thinking this more and more. I wished these thoughts would stop as deep down I know she has been through a traumatic experience and can’t help the little differences she is experiencing sine the injury. I haven’t ever told my wife my thoughts as she hasn’t done anything wrong and I would hate for her to know that I am feeling this way. Have thought about therapy to get to the bottom of this but not had the courage yet to do it. It feels like I’m still going through the grief stage even after the number of years since the injury and boy being able to get past the anger stage. Apologies if it appears that I’m being a bit of t**t over this as she has had to go through the injury, but wondered if anyone had experienced the same.
Feel like I’ve lost my wife : Hi. My wife has a Sub... - Headway
Feel like I’ve lost my wife
After a brain injury there is the 'loss of the former self' and the emergence of 'the new you'. That's from an inside point of view, you are seeing this from the outside. It seems that you are in a grieving process of sorts. It may be an idea to have a chat with someone about it on your own, for yourself, to see where you are in a clearer light. You are not being a t**t but facing up to the facts instead. This post shows you care.
Hi Kevlar. Brain injury however well a person recovers does change them.
But people change over time regardless of brain injury or not. Since 2012, you yourself has changed.
I am not being judgemental, but is it the change in your wife or the change in yourself that is worrying you?
Which ever it is, can you reconcile the change in each of you, and are you prepared to work to maintain the relationship.
I've never been accused of sugarcoating anything. Are you still in the relationship for love, or guilt, or are you looking for an out, if so is this because your wife is different, or is it because you have changed?
Only you can answer these questions, and it is no one's business other than being honest with firstly yourself and with your wife and children.
I have been the one with the brain injury, and I know that did change me, early on quite a lot, later to a less degree. My relationship did end. But what hurt more, was how much my brain injury was blamed. In reality, it was nothing to do with my brain injury, and the judge at the family court made that clear in her conclusion. Although judges are impartial, the judge did protect me from the potential abuse, while leading my ex wife into her own trap.
I, and it is my opinion, so you can take it or leave it, you can choose to feel offended, but I think you need to look deeply into yourself and work out what you really want, sitting on the fence isn't an option.
Actually..I have.Right after my accident,I overheard my boyfriend tell my mom ,the exact words u said and more.Its been 26 years and time to think about those words that were said.I def dont think ur a "twat" for saying what u have.Your being honest and ur trying to figure out why u have these feelings and want to get to the bottom of it. I commend ur courage for making the post .
Difference between what my boyfriend said and what u said...u stayed with ur wife and didnt abandon her,and u care about ur wife deeply.
Oh crikey Kevlar. I agree with Pairofboots that you might find it helpful to talk to someone about this. I'm thinking that some of this is your original trauma and grief during her injury and recovery, which you might still need to process with someone supportive, who is able to challenge you - I'm guessing you were originally probably thrown straight into a sort of coping mode, and you now could be quite depressed yourself - particularly with Covid everywhere.
Don't forget that she might be still trying to deal with what happened to her too - we look ok on the outside, but just getting through ordinary stuff during the day can be a bit of an endurance course sometimes. We mourn our lost lives/ selves too
The thing is, as Pairofboots says, we all change a lot over time - even 'normai' brains can change over a matter days. For myself, pre TBI, and after being a stay at home mum, I went back to college and did a maths degree... I loved it and the jobs that followed, and became hugely confident and I think quite different - or at least just back to 'pre wife and mother' me when I was 42 (we'd married in our early twenties.) So my husband did leave. I guess change isn't for everyone.
So stuff happens all the time - good and bad, and changes us - and your feelings now, might be totally different this time next year for example.
Talk to us here, and your GP , find a good therapist, and just pause for a while. Covid is heightening everyone's stress levels, which doesn't help.
The alternative of breaking up a marriage has an almighty and unexpected impact on you, your whole family and your friends - a complex web of relationships which we tend to take for granted until it gets torn up. It also impacts on your kids and your relationship with them - even when they become parents themselves. Basically there's no guarantee that you might be any happier outside marriage (unless in an abusive relationship of course) We tend to carry our happiness and sadness inside our own selves - and so take it along with us when we leave a relationship.
Jen 🌸
Much as PairOfBoots mentioned,
You are experiencing what virtually all family members go through at some point. In my case my wife couldn't rationalise that after being together for 35 years, there was virtually a stranger in our bed at night. I spoke and acted differently than the person she met at the age of 14.
The common fact with couples is that, as they get older they drift apart. The choice then is to separate or stay together out of loyalty or even habit. During a relationship, if a partner receives a head injury, sadly for many reasons, the percentage of separation increases .
The problem with any form of therapy is that you need to understand what you want to get out of it before you start. Is it to resolve a feeling of guilt or resentment ? because one thing it won't do is make you fall back in "love"
You could always chat online with "relate" the marriage counselling service, whom will have lots of experience with this.
Hi Sospan, Kevlar,
Do all long term couples drift apart? People naturally change throughout their lives, but sometimes their relationships become stronger not weaker.
Therapy can help you to understand or accept a previous trauma - which can affect the present you. At the moment Covid is putting a degree of extra stress on everyone - and some people will be experiencing depression and/or 'mild dythsmia' as a result - which can cast a grey pall over your perception of your life and relationships. Which, while it may feel like a 'true' feeling at this moment, could prove to be transitory after talking therapy and support from your GP. I would definitely look at this - and give it time to work - before assuming the grass is greener elsewhere. Because sadly, if any underlying depression you have isn't addressed and treated, that greener grass on the other side of the fence, can turn out to be just as grey as it seems now.
Sadly, in a somewhat pyrrhic 'victory' my ex husband still insists that he is still unhappy - and oddly enough, I am not.
But I think I've seen this from both sides - but only with the benefit of hindsight. I was in a fairly serious relationship some few years ago - just after my first concussion - and now suspect that I was actually more affected and depressed after the first concussion than I'd realised at the time (slowed down at work as well, which was odd) . Certainly I remember that feeling of having no feelings for another person, which caused me to end the relationship. I'm not writing this in a spirit of self pity (and hope it doesn't come over that way) because I'm happy both in and with myself, and my life (except for my newly broken finger!🤣 But even that rather unwanted experience, reaffirmed the love and support I'm lucky enough to have around me here). I'm just hoping that Kevlar1 can access some support - and give it some decent time to work before throwing in the towel.
Jen 🌸
I can't remember the source but was on one of the popular sites (Brainline ?) that over 80% of relationships break down after 1 partner has a form of brain damage/injury. However, all long term relationships are prone to breaking down and I mean long term. The divorce figures for 30 and 40 year marriages are surprisingly high.
Over the near 10 years I have been following sites like this it is a very common problem indeed. Posts have described experiences from the drifting apart, frustration down to physical abuse and even fearing for their own lives at the hands of their partner.
It is true, that some people can heal a rift and rekindle a relationship but you can't start a fire when there is no spark
That's the problem with depression Sospan - it just arbitrarily takes away the spark. Doesn't mean it can't come back once you're on an even keel again though.
Depression numbers are going up sharply in response to the last 12 months in the general population. It's a really bad year to make decisions....
Bear in mind the brain injured are more likely to have recurrent depression than the general population - which, aside from anything else - probably has a strong correlation with marital breakdown.
It would be interesting to find out how the marriage breakdown rate in the brain injured population compares with that of say, cancer patients, or other injuries or chronic illness? Sadly, we're probably not alone in this one.
(Probably never have been either, when you think about it, else there would never have been a need to put ' in sickness and in health' into the marriage vows in the first place!
But I would never, ever, support anyone to stay in an abusive or violent relationship regardless of ill health or mental problems - at least some things have moved on a little in that respect)
Hi, I really do feel for you. My husband had a TBI 2 years ago, and he's not the same, he never will be. Other people can't actually see much difference, apart from his walking, and that he's no good at games anymore, which sounds trivial but both if these we did such a lot. But I can see a million tiny differences, and it's so sad. We're older than you, so perhaps that makes a difference, but I love him in different ways now. He really upset me recently when he said , I'm sorry I'm not the man you married. He's not, but he's still lovely - we're lucky he doesn't have the anger issues some people have. So I won't be going anywhere. I agree with what the others say, but only you know if you want to make a go of it, or try to find happiness elsewhere. You may, but you may not. Sorry not to be much help. X
Hi all. Thank You all very much for taking the time to comment. I’ve read through my original post and all the responses and think I might have put it the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t love my wife, I do so much and don’t ever want to leave her, it’s just that it’s hard when I think of all the things we’ve done over the years and the way we interacted which doesn’t happen anymore. I’ve associated this with the SABH and quite rightly some of you are calling me out for this. There’s the usual life issues in the way dealing with kids and work, family stuff etc but managing to cope as things come out way. The one point that has really struck home today is the point that those who have had the injury are “mourning lost lives/selves too” - I’ve been too busy thinking about how it’s impacted me over the years as opposed to looking at how it may be impacting and affecting my wife. I’m not the best at expressing emotions and happy that I’ve come on here for some advice and feedback
I'm glad Kevlar 😊 keep in touch and let us know how you get on. This forum is for the families of brain injury survivors as well - and your situation is a timely further reminder to us of how our family is impacted even further down the line.
Sadly I suppose that if both of you withdraw through grief and/or depression, it makes things worse.
Perhaps see if you can find a psychologist to talk to, which is easier to do than risk hurting your wife initially, and at the same time find out how your wife feels - and what support she has.. the grief for a previous life and self that you've identified in us, does indeed run deep.
I think you've done great in expressing your emotions here - a good step. It is really hard to take those steps - but there is help out there, and it actually does work.
Jen 🌸
Im the one who had the brain injury and there isnt a day that goes by that i am not angry that this happened. My husband has stuck by my side and has been supportive also, but my eyes look at him and his ability to love me the way he always has and I so love him even more for this! She probably would be doing the same for you, i know I would for my honey. Just know this...and yes lives do change as we age, just continue to support your relationship💕
I haven't experienced the same. Quite. However, I was dumped by my husband of 30 years, a man I loved and trusted from the age of 16. Coincidentally he left the very week my large brain aneurysm was discovered. I had no clue he no longer loved me in *that* way, he saw me more like his best friend or sister... and had a secret double life with a woman that lived 3 and a half hours drive away. Wrecked my heart, my mind, my life. And those of our sons. Further reaching ripples as no one that knew us expected this.
I wish, wish, wish he'd talked to me when he felt he was going off me. I wish we could have sorted it out. I feel that 40 years of my life have been written off. These sons and I have now been completely erased from his new life. We have been through difficult times, these sons and I. They saw me go through surgery, they looked after me while I was a pumpkin head. Now, thankfully, I have a lovely fiancé and amazingly I love and trust again. Never expected that.
So I would suggest you talk this over with your wife. Do your best to sort things out so that you are both happy. Together or not. Be open, honest, caring.
Good luck.
Hi. My wife had a Subarachnoid Hemorrhage in December 2015. Sadly she passed away September 2020
She was never the same after the hemorrhage. It caused Vascular Dementia .
For the last 10 months of her life I had to have carers coming in 4 times a day.
She passed away at home where she wanted to be.
All I can say give your wife all the love you can. Nobody knows what is round the corner.
I want her back it is very hard when you lose the one you love.
God bless you and your wife and children and try to be strong for her.
Tell her you love her every day
My wife had TBI in 2011 and everything you say i can relate to. I felt that the woman i married was gone and replaced by someone else. Everyone was worrying about her and yes its selfish but noone was asking about me and sometimes wished she had broken limbs as that would have been easier. I was so angry not at her but life. I was fortunate that a car hit her and as part of insurance was appointed an advisor, they convinced me to goto therapy. I ended up goibg to several over two years one if which was NHS. First was as strange as it sounds a bereavement counsellor helped me deal with the loss of my wife and then another to help understand where i was and cope with anxiety, panic attacks i feared answering the phone cos thats how i heard the news, telling family what happened, i can never forget what happened and still cry when i think about when i had to tell my kids she may not be coming home.
I learned to look for similarties of what was and they are there, also reminded that neither of us were the same person as when we got married in 94. To not make excuses when she says something rude or laughs uncontrollably or repeats herself. Eventually you grow to accept the NEW now but you do sometimes need help.
We renewed our vows in Florida 2015 to show my commitment to the new her.I still feel lonely at times especially at celebrations cos she finds being spontaneous difficult and everything is plannedbor a bit groundhog day.
Sorry for going on a bit but the first step of getting through this was asking for help, self refer using NHS and it helped me and maybe able to help you
You NOT being a T**t your being HONEST..
my husband has had a similar situation, mine was in 2015 and he told me I’ve changed a lot as a person. We have done 5yrs of neuropsychology together which has really made us both understand the changes and how to adjust to make it work. It’s been 8 hrs for me and we had teenage children that have now grown up and left home. It’s really helped our relationship so I would suggest to try it 😊
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