I don't feel like I am me

This is a quite weird situation I find myself in. Ever since my illness I don't feel like me anymore it seems to come in waves. It is a quite hard thing to explain and apart from telling my story here I have not told anyone else, especially the medical profession as I am afraid of being labelled as nutcase.

Has anyone experienced something like this or similar or can anybody give me some advice

16 Replies

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  • Hi Jimboriley52

    You are still yourself....just a different self. After my accifdemt I changed completely. It toom me years to accept this , if honest still havent completely. You may find everyone around you has already noticed. Tell your gp trust me you only feel like you are goig mad. It does get frustrating but you can get help to adjust. Depending on your injury will depend on what has changed, memory mood emotions etc. You are not alone on here remember that.

  • Wise words from Paxo.

    You are not you, far from it, but you are a new version. Acceptance is the most important part of the transition from old to new. It's very much like the old saying (true) that nobody will fully love you until you love yourself fully. Likewise, until you accept the new you, all around will struggle with the concept too.

    I'm not saying it's easy, it certainly isn't, it took me a decade, if I'm honest. But, you can get there, if you really want it.

  • Hi Jimboriley,

    I'd agree with the other replies so far... It's a new you that you are learning to live with - nothing nutty about it. I constantly have to remind myself - and others - that I am NOT the same person as I was last October and like it or not have to get used to / accept that although I look and sound the same there is a definite change. It is hard but don't think for one moment that you are alone or strange for feeling like there is a new version that is living in your skin now ...

    Hope that's reassuring at least and that you can maybe discuss with headway/gp / docs and explore the new you with some confidence that you may find bits of the "old you" somewhere along the way ...

    Good luck :-)

  • Hi Jimboriley52. Me too. Very difficult to try to explain. I understand and echo what paxo has said.

    Nearly 8 years on I am still trying to make sense of everything.

    Things only started to change for me when I saw a Neuropsychologist 3 years after my ABI.

    I said 'can you help me'. He said 'yes'. And I knew he meant it.

    He also assured me that I was not going mad.

    Last year In my few words I wrote a rhyme to try and explain what it's like for me, might make sense to you. Called 'My Way' by K.

    This site has helped me so much. K

  • Echo the other replies too! While typing mine, too long.K

  • Hi Jimboriley,

    I know just what you mean, I used to feel the same.

    It was like I was looking at the world through someone else's eyes, I could never explain it properly, I knew it was me but every day seemed like I was just going through the motions, very hard, I felt devoid of any emotion as well. Flat and uncaring, very sad.

    I couldn't look at myself in a mirror because it wasn't me looking back, I don't know who it was, but gradually things have improved.

    I don't like the me I see in a mirror now but I can see its me, I'm coming back.

    I can laugh and get excited by things now, life is opening up for me again, it's a different life now because of the issues I am dealing with, mostly physical, buy my GP has just agreed to refer me to a Neuro-physiologist so I'm quite hopeful.

    Hang on in there and keep looking, hopefully you can see some of the old you in there and acceptance is half the battle, work with that new you and make as much of your new life as ou can.

    Love Janet xxxxx

  • We're all trying to live our lives with an altered brain so it isn't surprising that we get that feeling of unfamiliarity about ourselves. I sometimes feel I'm an outsider looking in, and it can often feel like a kind of madness when you know who you are but you can't 'feel' it properly.

    Two years is fairly early days where BI is concerned. It's three and a bit for me now and I still struggle with the strangeness sometimes, but less & less as time moves on.

    Our changed lives makes me think of the film 'The Body-Snatchers' 'cause we look the same but clearly are not !! :o

    Take care Jimbo x

  • Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support it means a lot to me. Again I thank you all

  • Hi Jimbo,

    I think it could be any one of on here saying the same.

    I'm still tryiong to come to terms with the changes, having driven both for pleasure and work and now having to rely on buses and wife and freinds for mobility is a struggle along with the I'm not me feeling.

    As for not telling the meds.... wrong! They won't think you're a nutcase, far from it. They'll explain it not unusual and will be able to refer you to specialist help, I'm seeing a neuropsychologist, who will help you come to terms with the changes.

    Take care and all the bestest

    Sporan

  • All wise words,my hubby worried about this as well but I have got him back it's changed us to some extent but we are still us xx

  • Its so good to read all these replies about not feeling the same even though I was told by my neuro dr "you know you will never be the same" and at the time I was thinking yeah,yeah,yeah!!!!

    Its coming up to 2 years since my op and I'm actually finding that what the dr said is so true nowdays more so than after 6 months after my op.

    I find I'm more disconnected and get more irritated but that could also be because I have now for the last month started taking Keppra anti epileptic meds for partial seizures.

    I have really good days then I have that "boom" feeling thinking what's happening now ,just as you think this is it the turning point of feeling like your old self again!!!

  • I always look upon in this with a philosophical viewpoint, every seven years you as a human being have replaced every cell in your body with new ones, so after every seven years each of us is literally a different person physically. What truly defines you is your experience, and of course we have all been through trauma which by its nature changes us. I am so different from what I was, some bad but mostly good as it has taught me that my life is short and to make the best of it. I relish the changes and the strange wonderfully weird creature I am evolving into. I was never that keen on who I was before my accident, I can rewrite myself in the way I want to, and if anyone questions the way I am, I have the ultimate get out of jail free card, it's the BI ain't it. Live like it's your last, love like there is no tomorrow, bugger the begrudgers, be what you want to be, none of us are getting out of this alive. NUFF SAID LOL!

  • No I totally agree with you. Ever since the accident I am not the version of myself that I liked. And now I find myself to be midly depressed, anxious about things and I find myself wishing to be the old me because I certainly don't like the new me. I'm trying to be more social with people and get out of my funk but as everything with our brains it takes time. I really hope you'll feel more like yourself soon.

  • Hi,

    I am experiencing a similar feeling. In September a light strip feel from a high ceiling at work and hit me on the head. I was knocked out for a few seconds. Thought I was fine, but as the days passed it became quickly obvious, all was not ok.

    I was diagnosed with concussion. I attempted to return to work, but due to poor memory, concentration, and general irritability I was signed off from work.

    Things since then went from bad to worse. Whilst walking our dog late October, our dog was set upon by a loose dog. I have no memory of the incident, as when we eventually caught up with the owner, I was assaulted and punched in the head and face, I passed out and hit my head on the ground. My wife called an ambulance, and long story short, I was scanned and my head showed no bleeds.

    I have no memory of the above, including my time in hospital, scan, none of it. My wife filled me in with the details, when I started coming around.

    Since then, as well as irritable behaviour, fear of busy places, generally fearful when outside, I have been describing this feeling, that I feel I am an observer, looking on at this other person, me! I have never felt this before, it also feels like I have become detached from many of my usual feelings and emotions. I have become much more critical, and short tempered. I feel disconnected and almost detached from my own person. It's very hard to define, but I express it like two people walking very close parallel paths, which don't cross, you're aware of the presence of that other person, who you think is you, but you're not quite sure.

    As I type this, I think it sounds insane, but it's how I feel.

    I hope you don't feel like you do, for too long, I'm sure these things we are feeling and suffering with, will in time subside.

  • Hi, it's interesting to re read what I wrote years ago but it was very true then. Since that time, 2 years ago, the real me is back thankfully, it happened over time, the essence of me that was missing has gradually seeped back. I am now, although I am somewhat different in my actions and the way I tackle my days, the real me. The one who was there before BI.

    So hang on in there, just keep on carrying on, the way we live our lives determines who we are. Your wife will assist with this as my husband does with me, he says I am more normal than he is now, whatever normal is.

    It does help to share on here so come back again and keep us updated.

    Much love Janet x

  • Thank you Janet.

    It's heart warming to read how you have progressed and managed your life post BI.

    It's very early days for myself, but it helps to read about other people's experiences. I hold out for a complete recovery, but I am starting to realise that sometimes this just does not happen, at least the way perhaps we expect it should.

    Like you, I have a very supporting partner, my wife has been more than patient with my less than pleasant behaviour over the last three months!, But we both agree that my irritability and memory are beginning to improve just a little, so some hope on the horizon.

    Kindest Regards,

    Steve x

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