Hi there, I suffered a severe TBI in 2012 when I was at University. Recently I met up with a group of friends for a few days in Bristol that I used to live with when I was at University which was overall a good catch-up to see how everyone is.
However, while I was there one of my best friends (that I love,) was getting angry about how hard certain things in society are for women. Usually, one of my coping mechanisms for these situations is not to give any personal opinions (as there is always a good chance that people will disagree with any thoughts that I have,) and only deal in facts. I said that I can try to sympathise with her (and women in general's) plight, but I can't personally relate to it. Since then she has sent me messages saying that she can't talk to me anymore because I didn't empathise with her.
At this point, I should clarify that I'm not a monster and I see this as purely a political issue and I don't get involved in politics. I have referred her to the Headway site section on empathy, but I have no idea if she will read it.
I just wondered if anybody has had any similar experiences or advice for making sure that I don't upset others?
Thanks a lot,
-Leo
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Guppygould
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Empathy and Head injury's are al two way street it affects both sides, we don't have empathy for others and similarly others don't necessarily seem to have empathy for others.
However, quite often when we want to express ourselves, it can be just a limitation of our language skills rather than lacking emotion. Some people whom have had a significant injury, tend to have a very flat tone when speaking. This can often sound disinterested or negative. Deaf people have a similar problem when they speak as their speech rarely conveys emotion and they have to learn to accentuate this with pronounced facial expressions.
Reading between the lines of the conversation, it seems you lady friend was for whatever reason to fire off some shots on equality and you seem to have been caught up in the crossfire.
Whilst it may sound harsh, if the person has been in touch for some time, especially to support you through your difficult times and now has little empathy for you, is it such a great loss ?
Thanks for the reply sospan. I have tried to explain to her that I can struggle to express myself or fully convey what I mean, but I don't know if she took it in completely.
I'm not sure if my tone could be a problem either as she once described me as "charismatic" I believe, although maybe she was just being nice... I was under the impression that the tone of your voice was important in that regard haha. I dunno really...
As for your point on not being such a great loss. It actually would be! She was the person from University that visited the hospital the most in the months following my TBI. We tend to have long phone conversations or send long text messages (that make a joke of the "simple messaging service",) but we live at completely opposite ends of the country so we can only meet up once or twice a year (especially in the 'new normal' that we are living in!)
Odd then that suddenly, someone whom had gone through that with you should suddenly behave in such a way. Especially since you have had several long telephone conversations.
I assumed wrongly, that the lady hadn't been aware of your changes. Perhaps she was going through some sort of emotional crisis herself at you caught the brunt of it.
perhaps letting things settle for a while and trying again ?
Hi Fificakes2, thank you for your advice. I did my best to try to explain it in a long email (that took me an hour to write!) about a month ago, but I haven't heard anything from her since. Some of my friends are just like "Oh, you and ***** again..." while rolling their eyes!
I'm sure she has her reasons and similar things have happened before, but I feel armed with more knowledge now, from books etc that I've read.
I see this as purely a hardware issue. It's a bit unfair (and not exactly empathetic) to expect people to respond in the same way, especially if one of them has a broken brain, especially to the right hemisphere, as it is the hemisphere that is typically associated with human emotions and empathy. Oh, there's me talking about people as objects again... Damn this broken right hemisphere!!
It sounds like you’ve tried your hardest and it’s her who’s got a problem.
It’s sad but sometimes it’s easiest for people to visit you in hospital and then when it comes to real life with the real you they can’t take it. You will have changed and some of the things you do they can’t put up with it. It’s the horrible part of BI and mental changes. If she can’t take it then let her go and her loss.
I think maybe if you were close friends and she could have been thinking of a relationship. It can make women more harsh, I mean perhaps there is stuff they’d forgive a friend for but they tougher on a partner and even potential partner.
I should probably keep in mind that I should only focus on things that I can change. She did visit me a lot in hospital when I could barely put together the situation that I was in.
We were very close in university, but only as friends, even though if we were more honest, we could have been more. We live at opposite ends of the country now and she has had various boyfriends over the years (including when we met up.)
Ah well, it's just one of those things, I've never understood girls/women, but now I don't really understand people. It's probably a good thing that I don't get involved with them and complicate things any more than they already are!
You certainly seem to show compassion and understanding when you’re replying to me. I haven’t read any of the books and I was trying to give you the girls point of view.
You’re right and other people are difficult to understand and stressful. but friends are definitely worth having, if you can find the right ones. 😆
I guess it is just like the quote "You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time" Haha!!
I wasn't talking about any books in particular, just in general. No, I do really appreciate other people's points of view as there are very few 'universal truths', almost everybody has a 'personal truth' for everything, depending on the situation.
The French philosopher Sartre once made the observation that "Hell is other people", which is pretty spot on in my mind! Friends are definitely worth having and she is the right girl. I'll see what happens, it's her call now really what she wants to do.
Unfortunately emotional response is often a problem for people who have experienced brain injuries. We either read situations wrong, or fail to read others emotions.
I recently lost a dog, they are part of the family, I announced it on Facebook, I was amazed at the responses. I only posted it because a lot of people knew him. The silver lining, if there is one, I don't experience grief, I know the emotion, and how it should feel, but I just don't feel it.
I can empathise with others, because I understand the emotions, but it's not the same as before.
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No, I do really appreciate other people's points of view as there are very few 'universal truths', almost everybody has a 'personal truth' for everything, depending on the situation.
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