Friends - an old fashioned concept ?

[sospan]

I was chatting to a few people this week about help from family and friends whom would help if we fell ill with Covid.

Interestingly, no one had a "friend" whom would help for anything major. Yes they had people whom would take in a parcel or water the plants whilst you were away. But nobody had any real friends they could rely on for a longer period or for a dire emergency.

It got me thinking of how over the years most peoples circle of true friends shrinks right down. I even did a search on HealthUnlocked for "friends" and what a depressing set of results. The majority bemoaning their lack of friends or pleas to make new "friends" which is more of an acquaintance.

We all seem to have "friends" at work, in clubs, neighbours or even Facebook but very few you could call true friends. Certainly, not people whom would put themselves out for you. Many of us have found that post injury people whom we considered friends slowly evaporated as we no longer functioned in that social circle.

So has the old concept of a "friend" gone ??

[Marnie22]

Very interesting post. I have no real theories. I have always found it hard to make close friends, but I have blamed myself because I can't trust other people due to stuff from when I was a very young child. I have been told that I can very easy to get along with but very hard to get to know.

I think a lot more of us feel alone than we realise. Perhaps we can discuss solutions? 🤔🌸

[cat3]

I think tech. has replaced the need for 'hands-on' friends. I always kept in touch with friends, some of whom were neighbours, and we saw one another in person regularly, often in groups for nights out.

But within the past 10 years adults and children alike have become more insular, communicating more & more through social media or health forums. My friends phone, email or text (I don't 'do' social media) but the days of meeting up or visiting are few.

You only have to sit on a tram for a while to observe how couples, even mothers & small children, no longer have anything to say to each other, sitting side by side, interacting intently with their phones. And kids don't play outdoors much ; they prefer their Ipads/tablets.

Along with my family who are ever-faithful, I have a handful of people who would turn up without hesitation in an emergency, so I guess I'm fortunate.

But I agree Sos, that post Bi (and if, like me, you're on too many meds to add alcohol to the mix) we're lacking the 'fun' factor of times past. But I'm lucky having a faithful few... and doubt I'd have the energy for more anyway ! x

[sospan in reply to cat3]

It is interesting isn't it how society has changed. When I was younger people used to bump into people in the local corner shop, newsagent etc. Sometimes people would be in the shop or outside talking for very long periods. It all stopped because we all preferred supermarkets which is so impersonal.

The same with the kids going to and from school, parents used to walk their kids and chat on the way, or waiting for the school gates to open. Similarly at the end of the day. Parents used to become friends through the kids and got to know neighbours and other people. Now with the tendency for taking kids to school in cars there is no mixing as parents drop them off or wait in the car.

The best time we had for friends when n the early 80's we lived in a very small "brookside" like estate of about 50 houses build next to an old country pub outside Preston. Every, Friday, Saturday or Sunday night most of the residents met up in the pub and then went back to one of the houses for more drinks and food - great times

[cat3 in reply to sospan]

Ah yes...….the eighties. I was newly divorced and moved house to a much less 'stuffy' area to become part of a strong community. And close proximity to the town, with bars & pubs, meant we could stroll out on a summer's eve and meet up in the pleasant outdoor areas.

And that community still exists. But as folks leave or die and others take their place (& those like me can no longer 'Do' the pub scene now anyway) it all fragments. But yes Sos ………….. great times ! x

[sospan in reply to cat3]

Oddly one of the things I miss about the 80's - the way women used to dress especially the hair styles. Much like the music, clothing was so diverse from the crop tops, lycra, "Frankie says T- Shirts", through to the power dressing.

I would like to see if modern days hairdressers could re-create some of those 80's hair styles. I doubt if they have the skills now.

[cat3 in reply to sospan]

I'll bet the salon owners would invest in extra training if it meant keeping up with trends !

God, we were slaves to fashion. Not any more ; I live in denims. 🧍‍ x

[twice]

Unfortunately some so called friends definitely drift away following bi, maybe we can't do what we used to be able to do and are no longer thought of as much, but what really worries me is that most people's best friend is now electronic, it's the first thing they go to in the morning and the last thing they leave at night. Most people will be in a state of panic if they lose or misplace their mobile phone but they are quite happy to lose a friend without giving it a second thought. It's a bit odd that people are starting to prefer a little screen rather than have human contact anymore.

Technology is ever so useful but it should be used properly and not abused. It seems that friends are less important than a screen nowadays

[sospan in reply to twice]

It was one of the lessons I learnt soon after my injury, just how many friends faded away.

As you say there are a lot of people whom live their lives on-line and use their "presence" almost like an alter ego for whom they really are.

However, there are some nice stories where through social media long lost family members friends and comrades have managed to re find each other

[sealiphone]

What a question, very interesting and someone could probably get a first with a dissertation.

I have only 6 people I'd call true friends and I've known them for a very long time, I think people meet most of their friends when they are younger and some of those will drift away over time.

If I widened my definition I could boast many more more and if I wanted more I'm sure I could acquire some.

So I wonder if in those pre facebook days how many people were 'real' and if their willingness to help was due to expectation of others rather than true desire.

With lock down I've been enjoying the open space around where I live and talked to many people I've never met before and there's something very pleasant about these type of interaction, so I think those 'loose' friends are very normal and healthy for us.

Perhaps there has been some fundamental changes or we're just chatting to people in a different way, personally I don't do Facebook but I'm off for a walk very soon and doubt I'll make a new friend but expect to meet some nice people.

[sospan in reply to sealiphone]

Yes, the random people you bump into on walks can be quite interesting. I chatted to more people since I resumed being a dog owner. People seem more keen to chat to people with dogs .

It will be interesting after lockdown if people will become even more insular without human contact or will realise what they have been missing and make more effort

[sealiphone in reply to sospan]

Well it's like living in Cornwall, the masses are out, more people but less chat.

They should have kept them locked up, my new theory cars make you insular and grumpy.

[Chelle3069]

I lost all my friends when I had my brain surgery, they all disappeared on me, nobody around to help. It didn't seem to matter when I was well I would go out of my way to help them out, look after their children when needed, but when I needed help no one there for me. Don't trust people anymore, and even before this lock down it would be weeks before I seen or spoke to others and usually only when I went to the shops. Had no one ask thru this lockdown ask me if I need any shopping done, am I doing ok, do I need anything.

[sospan in reply to Chelle3069]

That's how the conversation went around to. Especially, during this crisis nobody has turned around and genuinely said if you need help ...... like yourself I have struggled on but I am fine.

[lcd8]

Very interesting discussion folks. I have only a few people I would really call 'friends'. Sure I chat to the people I work with, neighbours etc. But having only kept in touch with one or two people I really got on with when I was younger, I find myself wondering if other people class a friend as someone they really have a connection with. Or if some people claim they have lots of friends even if they only speak via social media. I agree that society and the nature of friendships has changed.

[B_S_A]

I don't think so from my perspective - I have a strong circle of friends who I see (pre-covid) a lot, and have made more since I got sick. But I think it's just a lot harder due to the filter it puts on myself. My mindset is "I am sick, I must stay inside", isn't exactly condusive to friendship. Overall I just think it takes a lot more work than before, which I shouldn't have to do, but that's just the way it is for me now.