Old 'friends'

Hello, was wondering if anyone could relate or had any thoughts.

I had my tbi when I was 16yrs old. Am now middle-aged. My friends went on to have kids, careers and husbands. I didn't. My journey has been very very different. I have kept in touch with a few old friends who I am fond of and see about once a year. However another one has just surfaced after well over a decade of not a word. I used to make contact with her but was quite unwell at the time so I backed off. At one time I sent her alot of info about Headway and brain injury as she didn't seem to get it. She lives four hours away by train. She has invited me to stay but

1.) I am a bit annoyed that she hasn't pulled her weight re keeping in contact. Any effort has been totally one way (the odd call to say 'hi. I hope you're all well etc.' Ie nothing heavy.

Her landline has been 'broken' for months. I actually think this is an excuse! (She has given me her mobile though.)

2.) I will be very fatigued indeed

3.) I am worried we won't get on and I will be trapped! I am worried that I will get annoyed with her or have a melt down. Her life is totally different.

Should I bother maintain this friendship or just move on?

Any thoughts would be welcome



10 Replies

  • I don't think you should go to stay, it would be too stressful. Is there some way you could meet up half way, just for a meal and a chat. This will give you the chance to see how you get on after so much time. If not, could you get a cheap B&B near where she lives so that you can rest before you meet up and so that you have the freedom to walk away if things don't work out? Whilst it would be lovely to have contact with an old friend again, don't put yourself into a stressful situation immediately, take it slowly. Good luck.

  • It would be good to meet but I couldn't possibly stay over, that would prove way too stressful for me and it would knock my confidence even more if I got there and felt uncomfortable but you will know best how you think you will manage it. xx

  • Hi bonfire, friendships are a problem aren't they. I have a good friend well I thought she was, we live on the same road, at 251 and 273 respectively but she never comes to see me. I do all the keeping in touch, and she seems oblivious to this. Admittedly she is now turned 80 but she does go out, but not to see me, and I'm sure she can pick up a phone, she does if I ring her!

    So, I only get in touch now when it suits me and I don't feel guilty if it's months between times. It took me a long time to learn that. Exhausted's reply is great advice, there's no way I could cope with a stay over.

    Janet x

  • Thanks for your reply Janet.

  • bonfire have you ever thought that having read all that stuff you gave her, she realised how youd changed and the sort of life you must be leading ?

    not eveyone is strong enough to take that on board, its like asking a person whos relative has passed away ,,,,how are you...so people stay away.

    doesnt matter how many good friends you had before your bi youll get those wholl drop away out of guilt or just dont know what to say to you.

    i agree with eveyone its great shes invited you but youll be in an area you dont know so yep a halfway point.

    good luck oh and i forgot welcome


  • Personally, I think the treatment I received taught me a harsh lesson.

    Lance the boil.

    The 'friends' I had on the 9th December 1994 largely deserted me. Some without so much as a thought within days, some within weeks and some dragged out the process over months. It hurt at the time, but I soon learnt that I'm better off without them.

    I've often thought what I'd say if I saw any of them in the street and came to the conclusion that after a few seconds of uncomfortable small talk, it would be something along the lines of,

    'Shall we not pretend we have anything to say to each other? T'ra.'

    I simply don't need them in my life. Once, I did, and they walked away. I don't need reasons, I don't care. If I were you, I wouldn't dig up the past. Make your excuses and forget all about it. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's just my view from painful experience.

    Good luck,


  • I agree with andy and with exstutated wife,if you do want to meet her,then sugest the halfway plan,if not simply walk away,iam sure you have other friends,who have supported you

  • Get her to come to you! You dont want to travel all that way! X

  • Good advice above, go and have a shorter 'get together' half way to see how well you get on. You might hit it off and make plans for future visits, but if it's too much, it's no harm done. If it makes you feel any better, I'm in much the same boat. I've met up with a couple of work 'friends' (to be fair, only to satisfy my OT as I didn't really feel ready), but they haven't gotten in touch again since. I've been told off for 'cutting myself off' by a couple of people, and they're right. For a number of reasons it's easier to spend the days alone. It's a nightmare the whole 'friend' thing. Nobody gets it at all. I hope you go and have a catch up.......and I really hope it all works out grand - it would be great to have future visits if you both feel the same when you see each other. :) good luck xx

  • Since I moved schools when I was 10 and the bulling started Ive never been able to maintain friends so when my accident happened 3 years later, I found it even harder, Ive seen "friends" even now come and go and when I was younger I would jump over hell and highwater to hang out with them while they made no effort to see me, now as Ive gotten older I think if you want to see me you make the first move, I don't have the energy to keep chasing you which has resulted in me have 0 friends despite going to different social groups (including setting my own up).

    I have acquaintances but no one who I would class as a friend, my definition of a friend is someone who contacts you on a weekly if not daily basis and is willing to offer places to meet up for coffee or hang out and asks how you are ect, I did have 1 who was a German exchange student she was studying teaching and we met in our zumba class, she put in effort to meet me like offer to go to the theatre and see hamlet, not something I would choose but I went because it felt nice that she offered to spend time with me, we went to the local Christmas German market and she got a book on how to talk Bristolian (which was quite funny to hear her pronounce the words) and we tried some Chinese bubble tea (because I quite loudly said my thought of I wonder what that's like), We went in to a local craft shop, she invited me for a meal on her birthday (she paid as I had no money which I felt bad about), she came to one of the social groups I attend (colourpodz) and enjoyed it, she took the train to Dawlish with one of her other friends who came over from Germany and we had cream teas and fish and chips on the beach and we've had several coffees , I miss her like crazy, she was only over her for 2 years but we keep in contact via email and I intend to go to Germany and visit her, Ive been so tired recently that I haven't had the energy to reply to her in a month which I feel bad about (I cant believe I have the energy to type this lol), I also do penpal writing and Ive met a few of them which is nice, I met one in Coventry as she came over from Belfast and she brought me a meal, her son of 3 has a acquired BI (again I want to go over to Belfast to see her again) Ive seen one from Devon as we met up whilst I was on holiday and I intend on see her next week (any excuse to go to South Devon lol), Ive met a penpal from "up north" as she came down to a place not far from when I live to see some Eddie Stobart Trucks and her and her husband are going to visit Cornwall soon so Im going to do a spend a day with them (and hopefully our pen pal from Devon will be joining us) she has brain cancer. Im going to Wales to meet up with a lady who I met in a rock bar and we just click as she is outspoken as me and she works with disable children so she can understand who I express myself ..... what were we talking about again ?? I feel as if Ive gone off track so Im gonna stop else I wont get any work done and will type forever about recent 9and past) experiences ive had ....


    *edit* I also forgot to mention ... that there are a few people in my zumba class who are from Devon that talk to me which feels nice so the keep for me is if your from Devon I automatically love you lol (especially if your from Dawlish)

You may also like...