Strangers

Feeling really sad , it’s got to the stage that my husband doesn’t call me in the mornings any longer ( he used to call each morning before 8 ) we don’t really talk when I visit not really talk , it’s all most like we are strangers with nothing to say 💔 before his brain injury we could talk for hours, actually saying that made me realise that’s what we are ‘ strangers to each other ‘ I just wish I could close my eyes open them and my ‘ normal life ‘ was back

[Hidden]

I think everyone wishes that!

There are several things to consider here - his brain is still processing what has happened and it will be some time before it is repaired. Also, even without someone with a brain injury, hospital visiting for any period of time becomes exactly as you have described it. The person in the bed has nothing to talk about, they are fed up with being immobile, cannot relate to the outside world. The visitor tells them things that are happening 'outside' but it seems far removed to that person in the bed. Take things with you to talk about, maybe photos of family and places you have visited that you can chat about, even if he doesn't join in the conversation. Talk about anything and everything. One day he might be able to join in remembering things, and even if he can't it will be somewhere in his brain that you have talked about these things. If he is able, take simple card games. Maybe sit and do a crossword, asking him for answers to the clues. Even if he isn't capable of knowing the answer, it is still communication of a sort. Don't give up, everything is a help on the way to his recovery. But DO look after yourself, it is so easy to become depressed and that will not help either of you.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you , I hope things will get better in the coming months

[Pairofboots]

I am really sorry to hear this. Unfortunately your husband has changed, this doesn't mean the end just a different relationship, and like any relationship, it'll take work. He maybe feeling the same, but not understand what is different, the neuro-psychologist can help both of you understand each other again. Read as much as you can to help you understand what has happened.

Unfortunately my wife buried her head in the sand, and wouldn't accept the problems I was left with. In some respects she became combative. In her words, one day I was me, the next day I was not me.

Believe me, he needs you more now than ever, he may not be able to express how he feels, he will probably be feeling a lot of confusion, and depressed. The free flow of thought to hold a conversation maybe difficult to maintain.

Accept all the help that is offered, this isn't something you can manage alone. Remember to give your self time.

I wish you all the best.

[Hidden in reply to Pairofboots]

Thank you for your reply, I don’t seem to be getting any offers of help ( just criticism from his family 😢 ) I am feeling low/depressed at min , and that frame of mind definitely isn’t me normally

[Pairofboots in reply to Hidden]

Your GP can signpost you to services for you. Your husband's team should listen to your concerns and help in response.

Families are difficult, but ultimately they want the same as you, again, your husband's care team should be able to help you with this.

You have to do the asking though, so tomorrow book an appropriate with your GP, and arrange a meeting with your husband's care coordinator.

[bridgeit]

I'm not surprised you feel very sad; grieving the loss of a personality that's dramatically changed. It's tragic enough when the person you've lost is no longer physically there, but to have a physical presence to deal with alongside the loss of an essential personality makes the situation much harder to cope with. Anyone with experience of dementia care knows what you're going through.

Have you thought about dipping a toe into 'mindfulness'? If you haven't heard of it, I recommend Eckhart Tolle's 'The Power of Now' to begin with if you feel like finding out more about it.

When I was under tremendous strain I also kept a daily journal which helped. I used a journal to let off steam and pour out my negative emotions when they got a bit much. Otherwise, I think I might well have overwhelmed family and friends. Nobody but me has access to my journal.

There's also good online support such as Headway and Carers UK.

Apologies if you've already been there, done all that and are just airing feelings. Keep doing that.

Finally, don't feel guilty should the time ever come when you feel you need to make changes and move on. It's called acceptance; not desertion.

I do hope things improve for you and your husband in time.

[Hidden]

Hi there bridge it

thank you for your reply, yes both of us go by ' the power of now ' normally but to be honest I ve not thought about it these past 12 weeks I don;t think it would help just now, my feelings of loss despair and sadness are all to overwhelming.

[Hidden]

Exhausted wife suggested simple card games. I would echo that and suggest other games depending on your husband's current capacity. With my wife we played a table top golf game left handed to make it fair as she could not use her right hand. Or pass the pigs. Something not taxing and daft as you like. Ask the nurses too. We only discovered the day room and a pile of games in her last week there! No one had told us.

I feel for you. Take care.

David

[leila65]

Hi I totally understand your sadness. Hospital visiting can be challenging from both sides. I know there was a period I found it difficult with my son. As already suggested the use of card games or word games helped. Also watching Dvds together (buying a portable dvd was a life saver!) I also realised in time that he was happy me just being there that we didn't often have to talk. My uncomfortableness was because I thought I needed to entertain him! Once I realised he didn't need conversation I relaxed a bit. I do empathesise though it's the toughest transition you are both going thru.. And perhaps you need people to talk to and receive more support yourself.

It's 6months on for us and our relationship is now stronger and so much easier... I do hope you find a way thru this... Sending love and best wishes x

[FlowerPower62]

I can't add much to all these other replies, just to say I feel for you so much. A year on, my husband doesn't talk to me much. He has changed, there's no getting away from that, but it's still him, and although it's desperately sad we are managing. I don't try and make him talk as much as I used to, I still prattle on, and talk to other people. I agree about the games, we did play in hospital and still do. Othello us a good one, and perudo. I wish you all the very best. Xx

[TaIaV]

Dear Soulmates,

I am so sorry to hear how sad a time this is. I think all the above advice is great, and the common thread is not to take this time as an indication of how things will stay. Furthermore, while there are things you can do to make it through this time with him less uncomfortable, know that the situation is not your fault.

It is very possible that your husband is in a depression based on his own awareness of his situation. A book that helps one understand how it feels to be disabled and gives some good ideas about how to ease the pain on both sides is "Counting on Kindness: The Dilemmas of Dependency" . It may be useful for now and for the stages to come.

smile.amazon.com/Counting-K...

There is really no excuse for his treating you badly, but it is common for people to take out their frustrations on the people closest to them. A sad reality.

I hope that you can put aside your normal expectations so that you don't feel as injured. Limit your exposure to the cool treatment -- as the Queen said on a recent version of "The Crown" when she was being told of her sister's great newspaper reviews "That's enough; I am a Queen, not a saint"

Best to you.

[Hidden in reply to TaIaV]

Just ordered ‘ counting on kindness ‘ 😁