My son ( stroke victim following a motorbike accident, 30 years old) I posted a question regarding his obstinacy over smoking at my house, a strict no smoking zone due to asthma sufferers. He decided he didn’t like the one rule and elected to move to social care so he could smoke all he liked. That’s not been the case obviously as it’s not allowed in the respite centre but he’s on the housing list so he’s clinging onto knowing that day will come.
Anyways, it’s his big 30 soon. He’s arranging to meet his ‘friends ‘ to catch a train to a rave party . He’s already had warnings for being found with ‘k’ and cannabis, he’s spent his benefits on alcohol to take with him and today nitrous oxide canisters arrived at my house!!!! He’s going bananas and texting/phoning saying I’m crazy for refusing to facilitate connecting him to his parcel. His social worker said it’s his choice and I’m to keep my opinions to myself.
Really? Is this acceptable? He owes me for his phone contract agreement(2 of because he forgot he already had one) and loan obligations for equipment he has purchased plus monies he’s begged my mum to lend so he can buy cigarettes and takeaways. He’s in court in Jan for fraudulent charges for taking deposits and not delivering goods( have to admit this isn’t entirely his fault as the accident prevented him from being able to complete the job)
Surely these obligations should be honoured before spending on stupid ‘highs’ for enjoyment?
What would you advise, take the stuff as told by the Sw or bin the stuff?
Written by
Bradbike
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Sometimes in life you have to be cruel to be kind, in your case you must cut the cord and allow your son to stand (or fall) himself. It’s only when they reach rock bottom that they realise that there life has to change and by bailing him out all the time he will never grow up or learn.
Please tell all your relatives to stop giving him money as he is abusing their good nature and spending it on drugs or drinks or both so please consider what I have said as I speak from personal experience.
As someone whom used to investigate complaints against Social Services, I am quite concerned about the advice given to you by the Social Worker. I would raise it with the Head of Adult services as there is a "duty of care" on their behalf to look at the physical and mental well being of your son.
From the brief summary of your post there is some health issues in the family, conflict currently and with the potential of further conflict, It may be worth asking Adult services for some supported living. This is where your son could live independently but also have some formal stewardship and help to run his life.
Hopefully, he has some representation for the legal case to prevent it progressing too far.
Thanks for the info. Useful to know as he’s got into a mess at the rave( obviously) and the staff at the home have requested a meeting with myself and the sw with a plan to evict him from the care home.
I’ve been flabbergasted by the attitude of the sw’s appointed to him since he came out of hospital. All three have the same opinion; it’s his life and he gets to choose how to live it and if that means he’s found dead in the gutter then so be it. (Exact words of sw no2)
I’m prevented from helping him see sense from all angles. The DWP made me his appointee as it’s obvious he can’t cope plus the consultant felt he hadn’t capacity.(50-60% of his brain died). But the sw duped me into giving him a bank card for the account his benefits are paid into saying his lack of money management would be evident and they could push for supported living. 6 hours and £1300 later she now says it’s his choices. He’d wasted all the money leaving none for care home bills, deposit for the flat they’re promising him or phone/loan obligations never mind repaying the lads back their deposits. Her answer was to tell me to remove my name from the account and not look at his balance!?! I did that quickly as the bank text to say his unpaid bills were accruing charges. But the DWP refuses to remove me as appointee as they feel he hasn’t capacity and I’ve fulfilled my duties.
How on Earth am I supposed to ensure his bills are paid when I have no access to his money! I now plan to request dwp pay the benefits to my account so he can’t continue to spend like he has. This months was paid at 5pm on 11th and by 9 pm the lot was gone.
I’ve an appointment with our local headway centre on Wednesday. I’m confident they will help me.
Sounds like the social worker can't be bothered to look at the implications of your son's issues ; very remiss and unprofessional in my view. It's more often than not parents/family members who bail people out from misguided activities, and pick up the pieces in the meantime.
Parents are still worrying & looking for answers long after social workers have signed off or moved on. Any social worker worth their salt would welcome input and concern from family...…...unless they're not up to the job of tackling complex issues.
Follow your instincts as a mother, even if that means using very tough love. I believe you're right in confiscating illegal substances coming to your home and that it's entirely your choice whether or not to allow smoking in the house.
If working against his wishes makes you the baddie, it's the price you pay for being a caring mum, to both your son and his siblings. Standing firm is heartbreaking when our instincts are to indulge our kids if they've been hurt or ill, but your son now seems capable of a social life and running roughshod over others and, sadly, needs a hard lesson. But your mum must also harden her heart with regard to funding his follies.
You're doing the best you can (the right things it seems) to save him from himself. I hope the irresponsibility and drug taking is a rebellion phase against his incapacities and losses (& maybe a coping strategy) and that one day he'll appreciate the pain it took for you to stand firm.
I'm so sorry for your troubles m'dear ; tough love is the hardest thing. I hope there are better days in the offing for you ; all of you. Cat x
Forgot to say, depending on your son's attitude/cooperation, he might benefit from drugs counselling, or an alternative prescribed drug, to help him through what might be an actual depression/anxiety issue, and to free him from the need to use illegal substances. x
As ever Cat you’re reply is so on point. He doesn’t want to change I’m afraid, the ABI team and docs refused to offer anymore help until he is onboard. He just wants to live life on that road I’m afraid and he seems indifferent to the damage he’s doing. The care worker I spoke to yesterday at the home said he’s like a teenager who thinks he’s invincible.
He arrived back at the home at 9am soaked in urine and faeces drugged out of his mind with his wheelchair broken. His ‘mates’ had abandoned him in Birmingham and he’d somehow got strangers to help him to the station with only one wheel on his chair. He’d got on the wrong train and the transport police got him back to us where upon my mum(dogsbody who refuses to accept advice that she’s not helping by rescuing him) picked him up and took him to the home. The cw said he was shouting at mum and she told him she’d had it with him, my son tells the cw that his nan will be back in a few days, she always is😥.
These antics are so far removed from our lives, I’m sadly ashamed to say he’s my son🤭
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Aggression and frustration in ICU from TBI
Relationships after TBI
Severe headaches after TBI 
Inability to look at screens. Can’t even glance at them. 
