Caring role causing difficulties

[Lucens]

I have become involved in supporting a non-relative, an acquaintance, who has had increasing serious medical conditions, leading to disability. These are physical, not cognitive impairment, except insofar as serious illness and pain naturally causes psychological suffering too. This person has adult children and some other relatives. they take a mostly hands-off approach to her and her difficulties. One son in particular, the one she sees more often, being nearer in distance, is very domineering and has taken a dislike to me. She adores him, is almost totally uncritical of him, often appearing scared or subservient to him. In short, he bullies her. I am concerned for her, but the situation is difficult, as he sees me as interfering, it's not my family, she looks up to him, but his influence is not entirely to her benefit. I am trying to be fair and calm here. I have gone with her to every medical appt for the last 4-5 years, literally hundreds. She still asks me to do so. Last Wed for example I was on duty from 10;30am to 8pm, and I am requested next Mon, to be ready from 7am, also Tues from noon to all afternoon. she has to travel in hosp transport, so there is much waiting around. Her sons have never gone to any appt with her. She had two critical episodes in Resus this year. I was with her throughout. Her son implied that I ought to have let her sleep. I said sleep did not come into it, that the dr said they might not be able to save her life. This was met with the same stony stare from her son. No reaction.

The whole situation has made me quite ill at times, felt I am going mad. I was with her every day for ten weeks in hosp; her son came occasionally. I got up and out early, for meetings, at greater expense to be present, put her concerns to drs, matrons, therapists etc. Her family never did. Reading today of a woman who suffered coercive control from her partner, I do have concerns. but if the one who is being oppressed does not see it, would never dream of complaining, what can an outsider do. She sometimes speaks to me harshly, unfairly and I do feel taken for granted. But I cannot leave her, she is so vulnerable. Her son tells her she should not have the careworker more than once a day, despite being doubly incontinent, bed-bound, with unhealed extensive surgical wounds, upper and lower leg, immuno-suppressed, and severe arthritis etc. he says she should be able to clean herself. Not only is this impossible, it is not safe. She nearly died, twice this year from galloping infections. Her son does not defer to anyone. He seems to have an emperor syndrome. I avoid him. He is scary, aggressive, dictatorial, critical, no humour, or empathy. She loves him, deludes herself that he has her best interests at heart. The careworker mentioned to him that there was no bread or fruit, he said he was busy. He was in the house from 3-10pm, with a car, less than half a mile from late opening shops. This is only one example of his attitude. He comes to her house to hack at the garden and move around things in the house, much of it his junk, also in sheds. He has 4-5 old cars taking up space, impeding the use she could make of her premises. It's as if it is his house and he lets her live there if she does as she's told. Another friend commented that his idea of clearing a space for her to come home to, had made the living area like an obstacle course.

I had to persuade the careworker, who is excellent, not to leave, as she said the son is crazy, did not want to encounter him. which I can quite understand. but the mother sees no wrong in him, and gets angry at me if I suggest maybe her family could ring the GP, or get pads for her, or apply for blue badge etc. she says they don't know about such things.

any ideas, support, suggestions gratefully received. thank you.

[Lynd]

Hi Lucens

I am afraid if the family do not want to give support you can not make them do it. As for concerns about the sons odd behavior the only thing you can do is report your feelings to the social services dept. Ask for a social worker to become involved re safeguarding etc.

Good luck.

[Lucens in reply to Lynd]

thanks, but if I did that it would alienate me from the house and she would be even more vulnerable to his actions. the non-family people who help and support her, inc the careworker and stand-ins, are all from my acquaintance. it is a very tricky situation. this morning the careworker told me that the son had dragged his mother out of bed early, before the careworker arrived, so before she had been cleaned and pad changed. the mother was probably unable to withstand his insistence, that's what he's like. he had been there all night. so this caused big problems as the mess had spread to front bottom area. it may have ingressed to the bladder, esp as she has a catheter. she already has multi-resistant klebsiella urinary tract infection, and is very fragile and at risk. my head is spinning. she loves her son. she believes he loves her. his way of being positive is to ignore the limitations of her situation, thus endangering her further. she wants to stay at home, which I think is best, except for his involvement. I am actually frightened for her, but if I told any authorites she would cut me off and then there would be no other influence except him. the careworker would leave if I was never around, she is so good, spent ages carefully trying to clean to keep client as safe as possible. but she couldn't put up with running into the son if I was out of the picture. he only does things where he is in control, that's why he hardly ever went to see her in hosp, or never go to out patient appt, because he cannot be in control, would have to wait, listen, fit in with procedures, discuss, liaise. he would not be able to dominate proceedings, so he's not interested, doesn't go. expects me to, but regards me as interfering in their family. and she never contradicts him. the careworker begs me to go with her 7am Mon for echo-cardiogram, says she is crying that she hopes she hasn't upset me, ie that I will come back and be with her.

I did try suggesting to nurses, docs etc that the situation re son is not ideal. gp asked if there was financial abuse, I said no. but I;ve since remembered that he repeatedly refused to give her back her bank card, that was in Feb, a few days before she collapsed with Nec Fasc. but she herself would never complain to anyone about him. so I'm stuck. the social worker was only interested in doing a finanacial assessment, which she doesn't want to do. fair enough.

I feel snookered. please help

[Lynd in reply to Lucens]

This sounds like abuse and my own feelings are that you must involve social services. If you don't then nothing will change.

I totally understand your reluctance but I don't think you can carry on like this.