Concerned about nursing home care: My Dad was moved... - Headway


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Concerned about nursing home care


My Dad was moved to a nursing home about 6 weeks ago as he needs more care than is possible to give at home. He had a SAH almost a year ago and it was classed as catosrophic. He can't speak or walk and is fed via a PEG. The Bupa nursing home was chosen by his wife and is supposedly a decent one. My brother and I really have very little say in any decisions to do with Dad as his wife is next of kin and makes sure we know it! We walked in his room tonight and he had a thin duvet over him, someone must have put it there as he can't do it himself, I thought this was odd considering how warm it is. I asked him if he was hot and he nodded "yes" so obviously I took it off him. His wife then mentioned that when she previously visited she spoke to the staff as his dentures had not been removed and cleaned and were in a pretty bad state, so now she checks them regularly. We also noticed that under his finger nails were really dirty (bit concerned as to what this could be as he can't do an awful lot to get them dirty) so we got his nail brush and cleaned them. Also his glasses for watching telly were so dirty there isnt a chance he would see anything through them. He has been there for approx 6 weeks and he hasn't had any physio & speech therapy since he arrived. When I questioned his wife she said his G.P. has advised that he needs to settle in first, but surely 6 weeks is enough time. I just feel he is being forgotten about. He is only 66 and although I know he may never improve due to the severity of his brain damage, it's as if no one is even trying.

Any decisions regarding his care are made by his wife and my brother and i really have very little influence. I feel like we are letting him down.

13 Replies

sorry to hear you're going through this, and I wish I had some good advice to offer, but all I can say is that we are here for you.

Can you ask the manager of the home what care plan they have in place for your dad?

Thanks Biker, I think it's time we stopped tip toeing around dads wife and said want needs to be said, easier said than done!

I have never liked the sound of this 'nursing' home and it is heart-breaking that my daughter(Lubilu) and her brother are not permitted any input into their dads care. As the ex-wife I have no leverage whatsoever so we are all forced to accept Geoffs sorry fate.

We all feel that with physio, speech therapy and encouragement there is scope for some extra quality of life.........however has to be worth trying. But his wife seems to accept his plight and no one can undermine her as so much authority is attached to 'next of kin'. There's nothing anyone can say or do, I just feel so sad for my son & daughter.....they are his real 'kin'. He would be so furious with the situation if he were more aware.

This must be so distressing for you all, you too Cat, I too am divorced but still obviously care for my first husband (although no longer love him) and would be really upset if this was him in that situation, extended families can be a minefield, made far more complex by this situation, I do hope it is sorted for you all soon. Love Janet xx

cat3 in reply to Kirk5w7

Thank you Janet. I know that fate is blameless but I'm still angry and upset that my 'kids' have had this ordeal with both parents and one parent is now 'lost' to them.

But thank you,Janet, for your love and really

ricozoe in reply to cat3

so srry to hear this cat ,im sending you all my hope,youve all been through so much and now this,xxx

Lubilu01 in reply to Kirk5w7

Thanks Janet, I just wish she was more approachable, it would make life much nicer for all. My poor Mum has been through enough too, how cruel that she had this on top of what happened to her.

Take care and thanks again x


Hi Lubilu,

I am sorry to read this - it sounds like you have some valid concerns and it is very frustrating you haven't been able to have as much input as you'd like.

Apologies if you've already tried this, but perhaps it could help to set up a meeting with the family and staff at the home? If you're all round the table it could be a chance to voice and discuss your concerns and put a plan in place to address any problems. Do you think his wife would agree to this?

I think the physio and speech therapy that has been agreed does indicate that they feel there is benefit in rehabilitation, but I guess the challenge is making it happen at this point. Despite the 'next-of-kin' issue, they should be able to give you a clearer timetable for your Dad's treatment and start to put the promised care in place.

Do contact our helpline (0808 800 2244 if you'd like to discuss this in more detail - if there's anything we can do to help, or you'd like to just talk things through, we'd be happy to do that.

Best wishes,


Lubilu01 in reply to headwayuk

Thanks so much for your reply Headway. I am going to have a frank chat with Dads wife ( she generally sweeps things aside) but I think we need to deal with this for his sake. I may also give your helpline a call. Thanks again, sometimes a bit of support is all we need!

hi , ive just read your post , im so sorry to hear about ur dad , but plz dnt think youve let him down,you ave always been there fr him,i hope thy start looking after him properly, and i realy wish theres more i could do to help .xx

hi , ive just read your post , im so sorry to hear about ur dad , but plz dnt think youve let him down,you ave always been there fr him,i hope thy start looking after him properly, and i realy wish theres more i could do to help .xx

You and your brother should visit your father on a daily or every other day schedule to look after him and his needs more closely. If possible. My 36 yr old son had a unknown brain anyurism rupture followed by a stroke on Thanksgiving Day 2016 here at my house. I Spent 60 nights /days in Icu, with him a week on the step down floor, than on Jan 2017 was released out the hospital to a Nursing Home/Rehab. Day 1 was horrific! . Since he's not married I'm Next of kin. I was so scared to leave my son there. The staff was not attentive to his specific needs. I go there every day or his father goes. At times We'r both there depending on schedules Just to make sure our son is being properly care for. He cannot talk or walk..The first week was horrible, it's our constant presence that has allowed our son to receive proper care. Sad but unfortunately it's true. Best of luck to your father and your Family

Lubilu01 my advice is DON'T GIVE UP. Keep on checking in with your Dad. Tell the home about what you've seen. Make a note of the name of the person you spoke to at the home and the date and time. If you can also take a photo on your iphone/camera that would be good also as that too records the date and time and is evidence.

As a human being you owe it to another human being to raise these issues. The home will start sitting up when they know you are visiting so visit as often as you can. And continue to do your bit, clean his glasses, wait around till they wash his dentures etc. He will appreciate you. He will know what you are doing for him. As to why others are being so uncaring, someone at sometime will have to answer that question. Just do your bit. And well done for being a decent citizen. A decent human being.

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