Concerned about nursing home care

My Dad was moved to a nursing home about 6 weeks ago as he needs more care than is possible to give at home. He had a SAH almost a year ago and it was classed as catosrophic. He can't speak or walk and is fed via a PEG. The Bupa nursing home was chosen by his wife and is supposedly a decent one. My brother and I really have very little say in any decisions to do with Dad as his wife is next of kin and makes sure we know it! We walked in his room tonight and he had a thin duvet over him, someone must have put it there as he can't do it himself, I thought this was odd considering how warm it is. I asked him if he was hot and he nodded "yes" so obviously I took it off him. His wife then mentioned that when she previously visited she spoke to the staff as his dentures had not been removed and cleaned and were in a pretty bad state, so now she checks them regularly. We also noticed that under his finger nails were really dirty (bit concerned as to what this could be as he can't do an awful lot to get them dirty) so we got his nail brush and cleaned them. Also his glasses for watching telly were so dirty there isnt a chance he would see anything through them. He has been there for approx 6 weeks and he hasn't had any physio & speech therapy since he arrived. When I questioned his wife she said his G.P. has advised that he needs to settle in first, but surely 6 weeks is enough time. I just feel he is being forgotten about. He is only 66 and although I know he may never improve due to the severity of his brain damage, it's as if no one is even trying.

Any decisions regarding his care are made by his wife and my brother and i really have very little influence. I feel like we are letting him down.

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11 Replies

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  • sorry to hear you're going through this, and I wish I had some good advice to offer, but all I can say is that we are here for you.

    Can you ask the manager of the home what care plan they have in place for your dad?

  • Thanks Biker, I think it's time we stopped tip toeing around dads wife and said want needs to be said, easier said than done!

  • I have never liked the sound of this 'nursing' home and it is heart-braking that my daughter(Lubilu) and her brother are not permitted any input into their dads care. As the ex-wife I have no leverage whatsoever so we are all forced to accept Geoffs sorry fate.

    We all feel that with physio, speech therapy and encouragement there is scope for some extra quality of life.........however slight........it has to be worth trying. But his wife seems to accept his plight and no one can undermine her as so much authority is attached to 'next of kin'. There's nothing anyone can say or do, I just feel so sad for my son & daughter.....they are his real 'kin'. He would be so furious with the situation if he were more aware.

  • This must be so distressing for you all, you too Cat, I too am divorced but still obviously care for my first husband (although no longer love him) and would be really upset if this was him in that situation, extended families can be a minefield, made far more complex by this situation, I do hope it is sorted for you all soon. Love Janet xx

  • Thank you Janet. I know that fate is blameless but I'm still angry and upset that my 'kids' have had this ordeal with both parents and one parent is now 'lost' to them.

    But thank you,Janet, for your love and support....it really helps.xxx

  • so srry to hear this cat ,im sending you all my hope,youve all been through so much and now this,xxx

  • Thanks Janet, I just wish she was more approachable, it would make life much nicer for all. My poor Mum has been through enough too, how cruel that she had this on top of what happened to her.

    Take care and thanks again x

  • Hi Lubilu,

    I am sorry to read this - it sounds like you have some valid concerns and it is very frustrating you haven't been able to have as much input as you'd like.

    Apologies if you've already tried this, but perhaps it could help to set up a meeting with the family and staff at the home? If you're all round the table it could be a chance to voice and discuss your concerns and put a plan in place to address any problems. Do you think his wife would agree to this?

    I think the physio and speech therapy that has been agreed does indicate that they feel there is benefit in rehabilitation, but I guess the challenge is making it happen at this point. Despite the 'next-of-kin' issue, they should be able to give you a clearer timetable for your Dad's treatment and start to put the promised care in place.

    Do contact our helpline (0808 800 2244 helpline@headway.org.uk) if you'd like to discuss this in more detail - if there's anything we can do to help, or you'd like to just talk things through, we'd be happy to do that.

    Best wishes,

    Headway

  • Thanks so much for your reply Headway. I am going to have a frank chat with Dads wife ( she generally sweeps things aside) but I think we need to deal with this for his sake. I may also give your helpline a call. Thanks again, sometimes a bit of support is all we need!

  • hi , ive just read your post , im so sorry to hear about ur dad , but plz dnt think youve let him down,you ave always been there fr him,i hope thy start looking after him properly, and i realy wish theres more i could do to help .xx

  • hi , ive just read your post , im so sorry to hear about ur dad , but plz dnt think youve let him down,you ave always been there fr him,i hope thy start looking after him properly, and i realy wish theres more i could do to help .xx

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