Picture dissociation

[bexx87]

So every year my mum goes to Spain in September for a month and I go around her flat to see her cats and most times what I often find doing is flicking though the mountain of old pictures she's has of me growing up with my cousin's, my grandparents, at school ect and I'm more fasanated with everything pre head injury (photos and stories) but because I can't remember but part of me does I always feels like they are talking about someone else or its someone else in the picture with my grandparents, does anyone get like this when they look at photos before their injury? I do want a time machine so I can watch mini me running around all happy and care free

[Wazza84]

Wow.. it’s like you’re speaking my words.. I have few memories of the “old me” and when I see pictures of me I don’t recognise him 🙇🏻‍♂️ I only see/remember the new me. I don’t see it as a bad thing but I do find it hard to look at old photos of me as I look different these days (glasses etc) it’s very strange..

[bexx87 in reply to Wazza84]

There are certain things that help like the deco of the room especially in my grandparents house as I know what the furniture in the early 90's/late 80's verse the late 90's looked like or if my granddad is in the picture it was taken between the ages of 0 - 5 as my granddad died when I was 5 or if the curtains at the welcome are a certain color I know that was taken in early 90's and that picture was taken in the late 90's or if there is a primary school in the back ground the photo was taken between the ages of 0 - 10 or if the living room/kitchen or hall has a certain deco it means it was taken between 10 - 13 because my nan had just kicked my mum out and she had refurbished the flat yet or if my cousins or uncle are a certain age my aunty can tell me a story or two or if im wearing a spice girls/peter andrea top it was taken in the 90's as i was a lover of girl and boy bands or if i was in a dress or pig tails it meant my mum picked out my outfit or did my hair (and in this picture I think she did both) or if I listen to a certain track (like dire straits) I know my mum use to play that driving down to Dawlish or I recently watched a video of head entertainer doing a tour of the old club house before it got move and then about 10 years later the name changed (youtube.com/watch?v=uMmo93N...(Not working as expected?) and it filled me with so much joy to have clarity that I didnt dream it and I told the admin staff at the welcome and they sent me a coaster as they appericate stories and pictures of people that keep coming back year after year and they sometime so a complication of this is what the gardens look liked in the 80's this is what the garden looked like in the 90's and this is what the gardens look like now which is why when i go down there its like my 2nd home and videos like this (youtube.com/watch?v=5ckCeFo...(Not working as expected?) was taken in the late 90's/early 00's , I just found a picture of younger me posing with the swannies at the time (facebook.com/photo.php?fbid... with the caption "This is how far back may even further I just couldn't find any other pictures of my love for those swannies" and I shared it with Dawlish Waterfowl page as they have just release a complication of the new baby cynets at a month old (facebook.com/65414935135607...

and I just broke down in tears like I was griefing that person all over again or a sign of PTSD or something I so wish I can take all my memories and upload them and share them and go look look I remember a hell of a lot but Im glad Im not alone

Its also worth pointing out because I cant remember but do on some level know that this photos happened, it has made me obsessed with certain places like dawlish because its one of those towns that never ever ever changes so everytime I visit its like im walking back into the past and it amazing and I feel a sense of calm (especially when I need a break from city life) and things like withywood where I grew up or the welcome where i use to stay in dawlish has changed with time but i still get a sense of belonging and i feel safe and never want to leave everyone in my office will tell you how i must annoy them the amount of times i talk about wanting to go to dawlish or i have been to dawlish on the weekend or i have booked a caravan at dawlish or im going to the winter show in bristol that they do or i saw this or that on my facebook feed about dawlisih or teinmouth council are doing this and i want to transfer councils and i have loads of nic naking things in my flat and in work that all screen dawlish/devon/swan obsession eariler today i had a cream tea and it was amazing in a cafe opposite work and i closed my eyes while i was eating it and felt like i was sat on the strand place in dawlish (and was disappointed to open my eyes and see i was still in Bristol and had to go back to work)

[Wazza84 in reply to bexx87]

I spent a long time in hospital and when I came home my mother had decorated and my mam asked how it feels to be home which I replied “it doesn’t feel like home”

I didn’t remember it..

I’ve only been abroad once when I was 15 but don’t remember that.. but occasionally I’ll have a random memory of being in the sea or the apartment we stayed in, so for all the lost memories I have I also have great random memories 😁

The worst thing about my memory is the short term memory (I hare it 🤬)

[bexx87 in reply to Wazza84]

until I decided to randomly look through these photos a few years ago I had weird things pop up in my mind that I couldnt place like me on a beach or something and i aways wondered what it meant and then i discovered all these photos and suddenly remembered (and found) the photo of me on the beach is in dawlish because when I was 17 my mum stopped taking me down there and started taking me to spain which i hated so i went for about 5 - 7 years where I completely forgot and didnt even know that south devon existed so when I re discovered it, I havent stopped going there since because it makes me feel so complete and i promised myself when I pass my test the first place im driving is dawlish and my ex's mum tried to put me off as its a 2 hour drive there and 2 hour drive back but when I passed I drove there and back and was fine with it and if I go to new places (like newcastle or belfast or nottingham or paris) I always pick up nick nacks as memeory I have so many key rings to remind me where i have been

[Wazza84 in reply to bexx87]

4 hours drive seems a lot but achievable.. My sister drove me and my nieces to Hull from Manchester and back (around 1h 30m there and the same back) and I’ve also traveled to Sheffield and back (about 1h there 1h back).. I was given the all ok to fly of dr and my mam and sister want me to travel abroad but my anxiety goes through the roof lol

[bexx87 in reply to Wazza84]

I went to Newcastle by train recently and it took 6 hours I've never traveled that long before but I was going from oppisite ends of the country the south west to the north east and after about 3 hours I started getter agitated and it reminded me of a story my aunt told me when of her friend got married theh drove from New York to California which took 3 weeks and to get to the top to bottom of scaromento takes about a week in travel time

[Wazza84 in reply to bexx87]

6 hours on a train would be way too much for me.. my fatigue would completely take over but seems to be more controllable in a car.. for me anyway.

[bexx87 in reply to Wazza84]

When I drove every day I was fine but now as I no longer have a car and only hire one once a month (some times longer) it gets me very exhausted to reuse that muscle memory as it's not frequently accessed any more and it a skill I can't financial afford to relearn so I need to drive even the it work van to keep it retained

[jayne_h in reply to Wazza84]

My mum thought her house was not hers for a bit when she just came back from hospital. It was scary to hear that. She improved over time, 6 months later it was getting better. She even once said I was not her daughter about 3 months after the accident

[bexx87 in reply to jayne_h]

glad to hear she improved

[jayne_h in reply to bexx87]

Thanks. I tried all sorts, headway were very supportive & sent booklets & called me. I used Tina M Sullivan's book, Nourish your Noggin to help and I noticed the difference using some of the spices she advised.

[AliCathy]

I’m not alone! Thank you for sharing your experience. One of my post brain injury activity was to short out my huge collection of photos. Various holidays with my, now very grown up boys. Not recognising or remembering what look like great times is really tough.

I find it difficult to share the negative impact this creates. But now feel understood. Thank you for the support x

[bexx87 in reply to AliCathy]

you very much welcome Im glad Im not alone with this either

[Elenor3]

Hi Bexx

Yes I fo wonder when I look at old photos and it’s a bit sad. At first after TBI I looked at the pictures to see if I recognised myself . I thought - who are you really? Now I realise it is definitely me in the pictures - but I don’t remember how that person felt as I feel so different now. There’s no way to explain it other than I’m not her. It’s just very odd. I try not to look at old ictured of me now. That person is gone.

Enjoy your holiday - the sunshine will do you good

[bexx87 in reply to Elenor3]

Im not on holiday its my mum that's on holiday

[Elenor3 in reply to bexx87]

Sorry ha ha - I’m not awake yet

[bexx87 in reply to Elenor3]

its fine your response momentarily confused me as well

[brumatmed]

This is a bit strange, although I really want to say that I understand - I never really will, my BI only happened in 2014 as a result of a surgical procedure, my memory beforehand was corrupted through having epilepsy since my early twenties/ late teens (I remember minutae information from school such as conjugating Latin & French verbs which, as I am sure you can imagine, has come in very handy but other 'stuff' like wiring a plug or basic mechanics has fallen by the wayside) I have used apps on my phone which are designed to boost my brain but they can't recover memories which are locked up forever

[Kavib]

Yes I feel I’m a different person and I have left behind an old me. My personality and thoughts have all changed x

[bexx87 in reply to Kavib]

While I have memories of younger me growing up I can't remember what my personality was like the only person that could tell me what I was like before my injury is my mum and she never will as I think to her it's a shameful to have which is why I was never aloud to register it in my teens which is why I dont understand why people get excited about how I live my life because it's not a typical bi life but I dont know what a typical bi life is

I remember how my mum use to help me with my school work and go to various school plays when I was younger and when I had my TBI she distanced herself from me which is why when I see mother's and daughter laughing I always think why do I have that any more and I miss have the relationship with her she won't even say happy birthday to me unless I contact her first and I think this is why I'm so angry towards her

[Kavib in reply to bexx87]

Contact this number or check the link below, I hope this helps :

0808 808 1000

brainandspine.org.uk/

[Wazza84 in reply to Kavib]

Hi Kavib.. hope you don’t mind but I checked out the website myself 😁 and just wanted to say thanks.. it’s pretty much what I’m looking for.. I’ve ordered a couple of booklets to start me off.

[Kavib in reply to Wazza84]

Ahhh that’s great. 😊

[Wazza84 in reply to Kavib]

I met a guy from

spinal.co.uk

Called Gary when I visited Trafford General Hospital for 70 years of the NHS and he gave me a lot of information. I didn’t realise spinal injuries and brain injuries were related but it makes sense when you think about it.

The charity is called SIA (spinal injuries association) do you know of it?

[bexx87]

I think I have (especially over the weekend) dissociative amnesia when I look at pictures or there were times in Exeter or on the coach where I didn't know who I was, where I was or what I was doing it then I would flip back it was really scary