I’m beginning to believe that I’ve been living in denial about just how much my BI has affected me and the fact that the consequences are pretty permanent.
At first I thought that all I had to do was establish a routine with simple activities and I’d be okay. But now, a year on, I’m realising that living with these limitations, and there are so many, is my new ‘normal’. I’m finding that depressing to say the least.
At the moment I just want to tell everyone what happened, like a child crying out in pain. Because my injury was self inflicted in a Suicide attempt, there are only a handful of people I can talk to and I think they’ve heard enough already. Instead, ive started calling Samaritans just to vent.
Got my first appointment with a neuropsychologist tomorrow so hoping that I can start to deal with some of this.
Ian
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IanAG
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It is hard coming to terms with our new reality but slowly we find ways to deal with it...and we learn to adjust...it takes time and it is different for everyone.
Knowing that the injury and consequences you now face were caused at your own hand must add another layer of difficulty...but to have reached the point where you tried to take your own life you must have been feeling really awful ...
I hope the neuropsych can help you navigate your way through this.
Sorry for taking so long to reply....we’ve been without broadband for the past week. I had a good, honest session with the neuropsychologist which helped me for a while, but I’m also recognising that I’m hitting another patch of low mood and probably need to reach out to my mental health team. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Having seen a Neuropsychologist myself I think you're going down the best route.
It took around 3-4 years before my current self emerged, I can remember thinking on a few occasions "This is the new me". It was a slow improvement and whilst I do have some serious difficulties, it's better than I could have imagined at the 1 year stage.
When I met my Neuropsychologist I totally unloaded, thinking best get it out there and she certainly helped me. A lot of it was her asking pretty basic questions about my experience, allowing me to begin to have some understanding and control over my emotions, it can surprise you what things suddenly seem obvious when a simple question is asked.
If the Neuro can make you feel relaxed and open I'm sure it will be of help, good luck
Well done for getting a neuro appointment so soon (mine took 12 months ! Make the best of it Ian, by jotting down every symptom and every concern so you can refer to it on the spot. There's nothing worse than leaving the consulting room and remembering something important.............unsaid.
I know it can be really hard keeping symptoms of depression out of the equation when they're a big part of your history but, staying calm as possible, you need to insist that you're absolutely clear on the difference between those and the symptoms of CO poisining.
Good luck for tomorrow, and please come back with an update ASAP. Cat x
Hi Cat, firstly sorry for taking so long to reply....we’ve been without broadband for the past week. I had a good meeting with neuropsychologist last week and we covered quite a bit of ground. I think she is concerned about me becoming suicidal again so we talked a lot about an emergency plan and the need to reach out.
Regarding neurologist appointment I’ve been waiting a year too. Just heard though that appointment has been cancelled for neurology team and they’ve referred me on to neuro rehab, so just hope I don’t need to wait too long. Thinking about it rehab is probably where I need to be at this stage....presumably they’ll have neurologists in the team.
It’s definitely challenging to keep feelings of depression separate, particularly with my history of mental illness. I mean I read so many on here who are experiencing depression for the first time post BI that it makes me wonder how I can avoid it.
what i find helps me, because i know me better than any professional, daft as it may sound, i walk around my lounge talking to myself about the problem and only shut up when its sorted, give it try see if it works for you my friend.
Oh heck Ian. You must have been in a state to want to do that. Hope you're over that idea now. My 1st one out of 3 came from being attacked. Although it lasted for some time I got over it by putting it to the back of my mind as best as I could and my friends did the rest. However, I have right attitude to be able to do that. Take care and good luck. Dave
Hi Dave, first out of three.....do you mean Suicide attempts or brain injuries? I’m trying to cultivate a better attitude, but unfortunately I’ve been saddled with a rather distorted way of looking at the world known as borderline personality disorder, which stems from childhood. Ten years of therapy and I still tried to take my own life shows how pervasive it is. I’m trying to focus on finding one or two things each day which I enjoy for now. Sorry for taking so long to reply....we’ve been without broadband for the past week. Ian
I had some help to begin with, in the way of a new girlfriend. She helped me through the BI, but the idea of suicide. I got over that idea now. In those days I still had a devil may care attitude from my previous employment as a soldier and fireman along with being a bit of a nut. I'm a little older now. They say " wiser' mmm I'll have to think about that. Take care Ian. Dave
Bless you Ian, it's so hard to admit that you feel that you're not working in the same way as you see everyone else, so you've already taken a huge step forward without realising it. It take a brave and courageous person to come out and say that you'd like some help - there's nothing childish about that at all. Please don't be hard on yourself.
I've got tonnes of injuries from being bolted together with metalwork as well as a possible BI that I still haven't been brave enough to come to terms with and yesterday and today can't walk at all. But, what helps me is to focus on things that I love and can do and the stuff that I can't do melts away. Sometimes I still get sad for sure that I can't do things like others, but for the most part, trying, however little it is, to do a "happy thing" for me every day helps me so much to stay strong. Other people will then start to see your loves, passions and goals of what you would like to achieve and cheer you on. We all will I'm sure as there are some great cheerleaders on here for each other.
Sorry, this has turned out to be a bit of a ramble, I guess that I can identify so much with what you have said and only hope that you will be able to feel that you are achieving something even if you feel you aren't. Little steps turn into large strides.
i hear you ian, just needing to tell is part of the process of coming to terms with how things are. it sounds as though you are doing things to help yourself to do just that. good for you having a rant to samaritans, i think that's one way to off-load, you have us too you know. there is little information out there about living after carbon monoxide poisoning, it would be really helpful to share anything you can. i have tried to educate family and friends, i am still working through it and learning as i go.
Sorry for taking so long to reply....been without broadband for a week or so.
Good idea to share the experience post CO poisoning, maybe I’ll write a short post when I have the capacity.
Got an app with the neuro rehab team at last....but have the usual 18 weeks to wait for appointment. Headway told me that once I’m in the system support will start.
Hello Ian, it sounds like you perhaps feel a bit ashamed of how your injury came about. For me suicide attempts are a symptom of what is going on inside and most often over quite a period of time.
As regards your injury it can be tricky for yourself to see it's impact because the changes do not come with pain or a visible limp. For example if your memory or processing are affected or whatever. If you suddenly lose your temper without reason.......other people see it.
My injury happened when I was very young so I have lived without learning how it has affected me but know it has. I went through school, teenage years into an adulthood with gaps in myself that others noticed, I think at times I have come across as odd somehow. I have never known how to accommodate this or know what others see. I never really tell others about my injury as I only know me as I am with it. I have been assessed as dyslexic and it affects my working memory and speed. I have slow reading and writing. There is a social impact too.
Coming back to you I would suggest and I hope the nurse psychologist can help is helping you identify the impact of your injury and, helping you with why it happened. Theses are 2 separate avenues. I hope that your appointment was in someway helpful, and that you have follow up. With best wishes x
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