Help

[Mufc]

I need help now. My husband who as been my carer has gone through stress himself so needs help ? More than I do. He was in Vegas in the room that the shooter was shooting. He got out of it alive so I think he should be greatful but the stress of the situation is affecting him. I cannot cope and give him the support he needs as it is a short term issue not life time in my opinion.

[Hidden]

When someone survives an incident like this they suffer 'survivors guilt - thinking it's unfair that they got away with nothing wrong'. It isn't sensible but it is a way of dealing with it all. Maybe looking after you has not given him time to get through the trauma and it is only now impacting on him. Try not to see it as an issue for you, he is probably suffering PTSS and hopefully having counselling will get him though it.

[Mufc in reply to Hidden]

Thanks he is having therapy but that in my option that is making him worse. He now thinks he’s got an excuse for the way he is acting. He was not like this before he started therapy. So yes I agree why he is doing it but after 20 years hard to accept. He has had a decent life good holidays and not having to work.

[malalatete]

PTSD is not necessarily a 'short term issue' at all. Think about the impact of shellshock on soldiers. Many never, ever recover. These are people who are trained to deal with violence and stressful situations. Your husband had not got any training and ended up in a horrendous situation which has obviously scarred him - and possibly for life.

You say you can't support him - why not? The kind of support he needs is emotional rather than practical. He needs a listening ear and a reassuring presence. You can provide this - you would do as his wife in any other circumstance.

I think the issue here is that you are struggling because suddenly the focus has shifted - you are now needing to be a carer rather than the one cared for. You have imagined yourself as always needing to be looked after and that you are no longer capable of looking after others - which is rubbish. There are lots of really very disabled people who are carers for others and there is no reason why you should be any different. Perhaps you can go with your husband to his counselling sessions so that you can get more of an idea about how he feels and more information from the therapist about how the trauma has and will continue to affect him. That way you may also discover how you can help.

[StrawberryCream]

Malalatete's answer says most of what I would say. I just want to add, that when someone goes to therapy it always makes things worse before things then get better. People feel worse because they are now having to think and talk about the things that have been troubling and distressing them. They would have been trying to lock it in their mind and not think about it because it is too distressing or painful etc. But some thoughts will have been invading the mind. Now with therapy it is all being unlocked and will be flooding out! To get to a place of being able to think about and cope with what has happened is distressing and emotionally painful but needs to happen for your husband to recover. Its not only this incident in Texus but he he is also your carer now which will have been a life changing experience for you both.

I can't remember, and clicking back to your profile now will lose my response, what has happened to you. All I will say is that I suffered a severe brain injury and sustained a frontal brain injury/dysexecutive syndrome. I have a young son who I adopted, as a single parent, before my BI. I struggle to manage my son and my daily life/home and still do, but I have no help or carer, not even my son because he has his own difficulties. But my determination not to have my son taken back into the care system has made me think of every which way I can to manage. If you cannot manage physically then maybe for a while find out if you can get someone else to help to give your husband a break from being your carer. Are there any groups you can join so that he can have time for himself eg a Headway or silverlining group, or another activity that interests you. I myself employ a cleaner and gardener because those things I was not managing and things were getting out of control. I have trouble following the process of cooking a meal along with the risk of walking away and forgetting things cooking, so I have adjusted our diet and what I cook to be able to cope etc.

Most importantly though, as malalatete says you can do the most important thing for your husband which is to listen to him, encourage him to talk about how he feels. He doesn't need answers from you to solve his problems or put his mind right because in time with his therapist and with you understanding and listening to him, he will gradually, with support, find his way through.

NB: i have just look at your first post and see that you, your husband and your daughter were all involved in a car crash with you being the one who sustained significant injury. Just because your husband wasn't seriously injured does not mean it wasn't significant to his current PTSD because it will be. Have you both talked together about how it affected both of you because he will probably have feelings of guilt that you were injured and not him, does he feel in someway responsible, could he have done something that would have avoided the accident etc etc. While you were in the coma he had to care for your infant daughter etc as well as huge worry of were you going to survive, how will you be if you do, how will he manage everything now and in the future. I personally think that when we are in a coma we are not experiencing any of the fear, worry, and distress and it is our nearest and dearest that, at that time, are having the worst emotional challenging and distressing time! The chances are he has focused his guilt feelings on being the best carer he could, for you, to do anything to relieve your pain, suffering and life changes etc. Your husband has been through such a lot of emotional stuff as well but he has not been able to acknowledge it until it has got to this point that he isn't able to block it out anymore.

[Mufc in reply to StrawberryCream]

I understand your reply but my husband will not talk to me about his feelings. In my opinion he was out of order the way he felt with the accident. He gave my daughter to it, my sister to look after while he went off and had an affair. I am suppose to accept this? I cannot accept it. I have tried and keep trying. I do not think I would have responded the same way if it had been that he was the injured one, who knows?

[StrawberryCream in reply to Mufc]

You all seem to be living with so many resentments of each other and anger and with each deciding on concluding judgements as to who you each feel has had the most difficult time or affected the most. Was your marriage already strained when you were all involved in the accident? Or did he 'have an affair' to seek comfort from someone to manage his emotions about the situation perhaps? No it's not right but it happened and how has that affected you both since? My thoughts are that you need to think about your marriage and whether there is a way forward together for you both. Sadly if you are staying together because you need him as your Carer and he is continuing to be your Carer because he feels too guilty to separate, your situation isn't making either of you happy and is likely to continue like that until a change is agreed to either build your marriage back to a positive and loving relationship or it disintegrates further. Maybe you need to seek some counselling from 'relate' either as a couple or even just you, to help you really think through and make decisions whether you still have a relationship/marriage that you both want. Maybe you accident and serious disability sustained has become the focus and fogged out you two as a couple. Just random thoughts and not intended to upset or offend.

[Mufc in reply to StrawberryCream]

No the marriage before the accident as far as I can remember was ok. But I have lost my memory but knowing my personality if there had been any problems we would of got a divorce. Yes I’am sure he had the affair to deal with his problems BUT is that correct? I know I have to accept it but it is very difficult. I need him to drive and talk to solicitors efficiently and help with jobs I cannot do. But as I have said he does not have to work. So it is if benifit to both of us.

[steve55]

he could possibly be suffering from traumatic stress disorder. as you say this is not a short term issue and will possibly need in care.

this can be done by simply calling the police, explaining what has occured, and with a doctor and the police it could be decided that your husband needs to be sectioned or he may be able to do it voluntarily.

good luck mufc