Hi. Ive never posted about me before on here. My traits are to help otheres and put others first. 'there is always someone worse off than you' is how I was bought up. That's a good thing - yes???!!!???. Ive been having counselling for a few weeks and started 'mindfullness' yesterday and it's really messing with my already 'washing machine' like brain. They seem to be saying that I have to change who I am and put myself first! to look after myself. Since the mindful session yesterday I feel even more overwhelmed than I was already and therefore really emotional.
Just cos I have a BI why should I change who I am. I'm desparate to hold onto some of my identity pre BI. I dont even think that this all makes sense as I write it.
Pre BI I ran the house, own childminding business, dealt with son's school and managed finances. Now I cant (well at least not yet) do those things - lack of brain capacity. But, no one else has stepped in to do the things I did and I dont have capacity to do it all myself and do something for myself - eg things to get better (which includes doing things at headway, crafting and maybe meeting friends for coffee etc) If I dont do the hoseehold things no one else will. My world is a mess and I cant see a way out.
Thanks for letting me rant.
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scrambledbrain
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I am so sorry that your counselling has left you so confused. It is wonderful that you put other people first, but sometimes you need to get yourself sorted out first or you can easily find that you cannot cope with anything.
Is there no-one at home to help you with your household things - if not, can you manage the cost of an occasional cleaner/helper so that you can keep on top of things. A bit of mess or dirt is not going to matter in the long run. Is there no-one to help with the financial problems for the moment? Can someone else take your son to school?
You don't mention how long it was since you had a bi but everyone here will tell you that brains take a long time to repair themselves and trying to do too much too early will make things worse, not better.
Please be kinder to yourself and take things easy for a while. Ask the people you have helped to give you a helping hand whilst you need it. Perhaps you appear so capable that others don't realise how you are struggling. There is no shame in asking for help sometimes, you can repay it later when you are able.
Keep up the counselling but do try to do things for you. You mention the things you'd like to do - now find a way to do them. You deserve it.
Thank you for taking time to reply. my BI was 2.5 yrs ago. Outcome of surgery to stop bleed and separate the fused artery and vein is slow processing, mental fatigue which affects speech and if I do too much I,m left useless (my own worst enemy).
I had another counselling session this morning and it seemed to unravel a lot of anxiety and made me be honest with what I was feeling. very emotional times. Counselling does make ghings worse before they get better. Basically- I need to 'adapt' for the timebeing (that being operative word) not change who I amn until the BI gets better. I still processing it all.
Have you thought instead of telling you to change they may be saying you have changed and need to accept this new you.
It may come with limitations on what you are able to do at the moment. This does not mean you will never be able to do the things you once could. It means at the present you need to concentrate on your current abilities.
Yes put yourself first. This is not a selfish thing. Without putting yourself and your recovery first you may not move forward.
You can still hold onto beliefs and values but need to allow yourself to adapt to this new version of yourself. RemeberIng that this current version may not be the final new you. You may even return , if not fully, back into the old you.
You may have reached the 2 year recovery plateau, but now is the time to adjust to what you at present can do.
Counselling is great but you will only achieve its full potential by working with them. It may seem strange at first to adopt new thinking but it may also lead you forward.
Give t a go. You never know where it may lead you.
Pax
I'm a huge fan of mindfulness. The mindful meditation can be good but the mindful approach to every day living can be a god send for issues with memory, sensory overload, problems with planning, multi-tasking etc. It's worth a look. I like Jon Kabat-Zinn but there are loads of different resources.
I had counselling a few years ago, before my bi as I had a few bad things happen at work. I would constantly keep thinking about over and over again. My anxiety started to cripple me. After resisting the counselling for so long feeling it would make me a lesser person. I was so glad when I did it!
It takes a while to let the counsellor in and to see that talking to them does help to make things better. I also attended local IAPT courses where they teach more CBT ways in order to deal with the issues. That then took me into mindfulness & headspace.
If you have not tried headspace yet I highly recommend as it is certainly even more of a benefit to me since my BI.
It’s just about coming to terms with how things work now, I know it’s easy to say as that’s what I’m struggling with too. Everything I used to find easy is now a struggle or wears me out. It’s frustrating but I just keep trying to push on a little bit at a time.
The best thing is to ask & accept help from friends and family. As hard as this can be on us it’s just as hard for them. I know my partner Molly has been my rock, she had to go through everything in the ambulance that I don’t remember. Then all the worry while I was in hospital. In the 18 years together that’s twice she’s been in an ambulance with me for head injuries!
Just explain how you are feeling & accept the help of others. If you are trying this all yourself, then they may think that’s what you want to do & that you are coping.
Hell you, please don't panic. I'm doing 'Mindfulness' & yes they do tell you to look after yourself & show yourself compassion.
I don't know how long it's been since you suffered the brain injury but sometimes I think you can rush into gathering information & flood the brain to overload & in the past I have confused myself in hearing a different thing to what's actually being said. 😊
The thing is if people tell someone that is scared of the dark you are now not scared of the dark & you have to cope with the dark, it's not going to work.
I have been in fear & longing for the old me, the frustration & depression has been hard. I saw myself as a walking dead not knowing my purpose in life & not having the closest of people understanding my situation.
Yes I was & still am a police officer (not sure for how long though) always clean, tidy, constantly in the gym, playing rugby & being part of the big social scene but now I sometimes can't lift my head off the pillow.
Mindfulness has opened my mind in dealing with these frustrations & accepting my changes. I am now seeing that this has just altered my course & changed my priorities.
All I can say to you is this, I have come to see i've been given a 2nd chance in this life but where as I was there for friends & family, I now need them to be there for me.
This can be the real hard thing to take, some of those people won't stand & be there for you. All you can do is educate loved ones as to your situation. They can either accept it or refuse to accept it.
You are the main person that has to be at peace with acceptance or you will continually battle with yourself as I have for 10 years.
Hey there will always be things you'll see as needing to be done. Sometimes you can do it to your high standard but at times you will struggle to do it.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
Don't keep everything bottled up. If you need help sorting daily things out communicate that now before it builds up within you as a frustration.
Remember anger & frustration is a poision that only hurts you.
No pressure should be put on you with Mindfulness. The approach should be relaxed, open minded with an aim in helping you cope with pain & fatigue. Hopefully you will see there are deeper a more pleasant tools to help manage every day you once you get into the daily practice. 😊
tony muzzy i have a brain and dont see the point of talking to a councillor, i come to a solution by talking to myself, because im the one with the brain injury and i know what im going through.
i do have a psychiatrist i see every 4 months or so and i go to a headway group once a month, its for people like me who have a brain injury, that where i discovered mindfulness and meditation.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I know you are right. It us a painful journey. I am continuing withe counselling although sometimes it feels it would be easier not to.
scrambledbrain the hardest thing to come to terms with after a bi is we are not the person we used to be, that person has gone, we are a new person, yes with the same name knowing the same people just not the same person.
regarding doing things, it is suggested that if you work hard in the morning, you take it relatively easy until the following afternoon.
i prefer going to a headway group rather a councilor, because the group understand because somebodies been there and can advise you, besides all the people there have bis or tbis.
when youre feeling uptight, taking yourself off to a quiet space and meditating is great, it relaxes you, please keep going with that.
hope that helps, i have an abi so i do understand.
steve
Hello,
I've read through everyone's comments in this thread and and there are great tips here!
I also attended a mindfulness therapy group and found it incredibly helpful. The group that I was with (wasn't specifically for people that suffered from bi), they were people from all walks in life.
What I found very useful about group the mindfulness sessions is learning about how different people's perceptions and experiences can be in shaping their world and their reactions.
Like yourself, I've typically put others before myself. Since my injury, I have had to employ different methods to get by and adapt.
I've had to take on a much more assertive and firmer approach with certain individuals due to fatigue.
In particular, I find myself being more firm when dealing with individuals that are: incongruent, unnecessarily complicated or evasive.
Learning good self care is an important part of the healing process. Whilst mindfulness can bring up all sorts of things in the mind (decluttering), what it does eventually do with time is create better peace of mind.
Taking the time to recognise and interpret what your body is telling your brain or visa versa is important, this takes time and may take lots of patience. Like many folk here say, frustration is often part of the bi journey and finding better ways to deal with this will serve you better in the long run.
At a Headway support session, I was introduced to this illustration called the 'tree of life'. You can simply point to one of the characters around or on:off the tree. What this does is it can act as an effective visual aid to show yourself or others, what you may feel at that moment when you may be uncertain how to verbalise it.
Taking things 'one step at a time' is some of the best advice that has helped me.
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I wish I could be the person I was before I fell down those stairs
IF I NEW IT WAS THE LAST TIME I SPOKE TO MY MUM
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