Hi all my name is Vicki im new here . In 2012 i was very violently Assaulted in work after being left unsafe. The assault was prolonged and went on for around 45 mins. i was taken to A and E fully immobilised ..unfortunately i could not seem to communicate to the Registrar just how many times my head had been hit on a concrete floor with blunt force. Having had health problems from child hood i don't tend to be visibly emotional where physical pain concerned as it would hinder me coping strategies. This presents the problem of medical professionals not getting the grasp of quite how much im suffering or how serious my problems are and has created massive delays in diagnosis and treatment of many issues. I was only then diagnosed with a Traumatic acquired brain injury some 2 and a half yrs after every other avenue had been explored for answers as to why me and my whole life .. in every aspect had taken a negative chaotic dysfunctional down ward plunge The best way to describe it is one min i was a very capable educated streetwise parent, friend , sister , GF, professional support worker/healthcare worker. and suddenly reverted back 30 yrs to being a very upset confused toddler with some information and skills but no idea how to practice them or communicate what was wrong ..as i didnt know. Due to this and not having a massive family network of support .. I lost absolutely everything. My job, My Partner, My House, My family and friends, and me, My identity, sense of purpose, quite simply i was floating in an abyss screaming for help but at a black empty space. Finally started to get bits of services input here and there after my life was at risk and this was through emergency and multi agency communication. i believe i have the foundations to slowly make some quality of life out of this. However with the desperation of the situation calmed i'm now struggling with accepting my limited capabilities , this leads to frustration and anger at myself and the assailant, which is often misinterpreted as i struggle with communication. bringing about a deep sense of loss loneliness helplessness inadequacy and worthlessness. there are other feelings but all related and or similar i'm sure i've got the general idea across. Im also a mum to a 9 yr old little girl who is struggling for the reasons i am but as my child it must be frightening in a different way. I keep going around in the same circle with all of this as there is no one medication or one answer so i'm asking for people who have been through similar to share any positive tips methods ideas to break this cycle find who i am and accept the new me. i realise i am lucky as there are a lot of people with severe injuries / struggles ..
Still lost though and feel like im drowning
Vic
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Vick77
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Firstly welcome to the site and secondly I am sorry you are struggling.
It is hard to give complete answers and exact help as all situations are different.
I can undrstand the late diagnosis as this happened to me. In my case a counseller was struggling to help me and asked if she could read my full medical nores. It was then she asked why wasn't I being treated for a bi.
As I was sent for various tests it became clear that no one had checked my initial notes about the severity of my bi.
To bring it more up to date. I now accept who I now am ....honest I do. Along with its limirations. I know I am lucky to have a partner that is supportive and three ( now grown up ) daughters that help and understand me.
What I think I am trying to say is stick with it it does improve. Get help ...plenty of it..From anywhere you can .
Iam so sorry to read your story,but you are right its about aceptance do give the Headway helpline a ring and they will put you in touch with support local to you good luck
vic77 my abi is due to a stroke on the 12 feb 12, i was working with adults with mental health issues.
we d get some come to us on licence, so wed meet with their worker and id bring a couple of my residents, have a mcdonalds, ten pin bowling, then he or she would visit the home, then an overnight, in situations like that i knew i could handle.
going back 25yrs i found myself in a situation with a 6f2 16st non verbal charging at me, i was the only permanant member of staff on shift and i had to make a quick decision, i took him down for his own safety, the satefy of the other residents and the staff.
i ended being disciplined, not being allowed to work with vulnerable adults alone for a year.
yes steve i was a mental health support, worker with medication qualifications also extra training in certain areas that there was little understanding of most of which is covered by forensics. though i liked to keep a varied portfolio and i was on shift at a home for autistic young males all of which were huge and challenging. my frustration is because management were aware of an increase in female staff members being attacked due to lack of consistency . i was well able to use my pro active training but with safe staffing levels .. 5 mins before the incident and 15 mins before my shift end management made decision to take the only male staff member from my unit to attend an incident on a fully staffed unit where there were already 6+ staff members. leaving me with only a temp and to very challenging usually 2 to 1 Service users .my attacker had the capacity of a 12 -14 yr old, i've always been a loner and built a life for me and my child from nothing without help and through some soul destroying circumstances including cancer which just 8 week previous had saw me have a complete hysterectomy .. i lost everything even my child for a period of time because last september i tried to take my own life .. i had a career a house deposit a fiance and a social circle in which i was respected. now i have none of the things i worked hard to get and no idea how to move forward. im approaching 40 and fully aware its unlikely i will ever have a career or functional adult relationship not least get over the one i lost. i have to support to be a mum .. i let my daughter down daily. i cant explain to people they dont understand and my nights leave me struggling to breathe with sadness .. just tips on possible coping strategies would be a massive help
I am so sorry you have had such an ordeal Vicki. I would mention one thing which is a positive perhaps... My two 'young people' are now 19 and 22 and have grown up with me like this. My nadir was when they were aged 10 - 15 when I lost my mother out of the blue - then I went on 'happy pills'. We have had debt, bailliffs round, my family ditching us for no given reason and my memory going. BUT recently after years on the waiting list I have started sessions with a Neuro-phsychologist who comes to me and my YPs sit in. A number of things have clarified - because they have grown up with me like this they never knew the original me so simply do not have the 'issue' that my partner has with the difference. (He has stuck by me bless him!) In fact children and young people tend to cope very well with such things and their competence becomes part of their identity and a strength. Do tell her how strong she is and get others to as well - though also give her permission to need relief or help sometimes!
vic i was 52 when i had my abi, my daughter was grown up and had a very good job and was living in dubai, my wife and i had gone over for a visit, she got aa strop on, and i flew off the handle and walked out, first time she realised she had a new daddy.
she finds it hard, the hardman who now cries and relies on his wife.
Hi Steve. no I didn't belong to a union ..i can relate to you there my daughter struggles similar as I was brought up by a old school soldier ..and became a female version. now she sees me sad and sees my tears and vulnerabilities x
vick77 still not too late to get something from them, you deserve that at least.........youre lifes been destroyed and goodness knows what it does to your daughter.
get all your paperwork get a specialist and take the company to the cleaners, be brave, this is your daughters future and yours.
there still getting there money for the service users, most, if not all are out of county, so, they are on mega.
Your description of your situation is excellent. You helped us understand the layers of challenge that you face. I do not have a bi so my suggestions come from other realms of struggle -- other situations in we find ourselves unmoored and churning on legitimate, but unhelpful emotions.
"A young resident was eager to make a career in that high intensity environment, the emergency room, where the life and death consequences of being a doctor play out clearly, quickly and dramatically. Once there her expectations were confirmed. She knew that this was going to be her specialty. But as her rotation in the ER continued she found herself overwhelmed by the stream of calamities that presented themselves. Even the less severe cases too often came with deeply sad human stories. She started to believe that this was not the work for her. With that conclusion came a sense of failure and sadness. None of her reasons for wanting to do the work had changed, and she had the intellectual and physical capacity for it, but she lacked some emotional capacity to deal with the tragedies that surrounded the maladies.
As she was coming to this disheartening conclusion, she confided in one of the older doctors in the department. He shared some advice that a nurse had given him many years before. Here is what that nurse had advised:
When you encounter your patients’ emotions or tragedies, think of yourself as a conduit, not a vessel.
Imagine that you are a conduit without a limit. You accept people’s pain and allow it to pass through you. Imagine their pain washing through you, not just bottling up
This advice restored the young resident’s career plan. She says that using those metaphors, she saw patients differently: Instead of seeing them as their issues, she saw them as humans, just like her. She felt a sustainable connection to the ER environment as a place where lives were shattered and rebuilt at the same time — where there is hope and hope being lost. She said: “As a doctor you are there to be in those stories and co-write those stories as they are happening. And to be able to be present in that space is amazing.”
2. The eastern countries and religions have excellent approaches to living in the world, with all its hardships, and yet creating distance so that the hardships don't overwhelm you:
Hi Steve 55 Thank you . I really want to to something pro active and raise awareness and better help people understand ..but I learnt the hard way some things I can not do or remember how to do .. and I don't feel able to proceed at the pace needed for that yet I appreciate .your understanding and support
Hi and welcome to the forum, have you had counselling or spoken to your doctor to see if you depressed or anxious? Do you have a local headyway you could drop in and see? you can always come on here and vent how you feel
Hi. a few years ago cognitive therapy was tried however as it requires concentration it only served to upset me further . My injury is quite complex in a different way .. you see up until 2006 my life had been a whirlwind of one trauma to another ..from childhood abuse at the hands of my mother to a 12 yr abusive relationship as i had only a low estimation of myself so this was acceptable, My father whom was my best friend had been in the army so was unaware of my childhood struggle until i left home. Died in 2006 at the age of 54. by cause of negligence .I was on the scene as he took his last breath and being trained sprung into action to save him unfortunately failed it took me years to rebuild myself. with a sense of equal self worth however i did just that and by 2012 was thriving ..apart from my cervical cancer which i was dealing well with my prognosis was good and i was positive. unfortunately my injury has kind of un done all my hard work to stay positive and recover these things because its so unjust its left me feeling as if no matter what good i do its returned negatively . Amazingly throughout my life despite my struggles i have always helped those less fortunate either volunteer, friend neighbour, or professionally ...its just who i am sometimes i wish i didnt care so much because i would get less upset. though its not been entirely unselfish because its how ive validated myself and not let my abusive experiences convince me i do not deserve love. So i have to be careful what counselling i embark on some things have happened so long ago. Im still here it wouldnt i feel benefit me to re open these things. My role previous gained me a lot of knowledge spanning 20 yrs into mental health and the reason i struggled to get the right help is i have an incredible insight into my own issues, thus giving the impression they are not issues for me. I want to help myself and get out eg Headway drop in however have now developed a fear of being treated unfavourably because of above mentioned and historically that has happened
Hi I am sorry to hear what has happened to you, I suffered (and still sometime do) suffer verbal abuse from my mum as she is a alcoholic, she currently has vascular dementia (and a triple heart by pass because she smokes as well), my uncle has Parkinson, when I was growing up I had no dad, my granddad died when I was 5, me and my mum were living with my nan until I was 10 then my nan kicked my mum out and my nan wanted guardianship of me but didn't get it so I had to change schools and that's when the bulling started then when I was 13 my tbi happen and the bulling got worse both in school and at home I only saw my nan on weekends and then when I started dating around 17 I was in a emotionally abusive relationship and despite me telling my mum I didn't want to be with him any more she wouldn't help then I started my 9 years relationship which started off good but in the last 2 years he changed and he felt let down when I tried to help our relationship he wouldn't listen until I walked away and then moved out and my mum has hardly contacted me but I am more closer with my uncle.
I was born premature (2 months and 2 days weighing 1 pound 10 ounces) and my mum was drinking though the pregnancy so I have had speech therapy because I spoke with e "back ward tongue" from 5 until 10 and then 13 - 16 due to my tbi, I suffered depression and anxiety and insomnia since my TBI and despite dr telling my mum because I was a minor she refused to put me on medication and then my 9 year bf came along when I was 19 and helped me with my depression by allowing the dr to put me a meds, my mum did all me meds for my insomnia which I never understood and in the past 4 years I have been taking anxiety medication due to deal with work, college, learning to drive and being neglected by my bf.
I have recently found out that my nan had mental illness and my mum was effected by it the most which is hard for my uncle to watch her have a go at me which is why I have so tbi or not I still would have mental illness
(Sorry, I inadvertently, sent without being done) Suggestion area 2 contd.
-- Tai Chi is a very gentle movement practice that sometimes works miracles for people with chronic illnesses and concerns. It seems to allow your energy to flow freely in your body, rather than stay bunched up with stress. It is something that you could do with your daughter to help teach her how to deal
-- Buddhist teachings also seem to address the issues you are dealing with quite well.
3. Finally, you have your treasure, your daughter. I am sure that when you focus on being a valuable role model for her, you become your best self. Extending those periods little by little helps me release my grip on regrets and resentments.
Wishing you relief and yes, acceptance -- not as a defeat, but as a victory.
Vicki, I'm so sorry for all you've suffered. It's heart wrenching hearing of injustices suffered by those who've chosen a life of helping other people.
As others have suggested, phone the Headway helpline on 0808 800 2244 (offive hours - free calls).
They will listen to your needs and guide you to appropriate areas of help and support.
I have lost count of the number of us who have had late diagnosis.
The specialist who gave me the diagnosis also told me to go and grieve for what I lost. I had no idea how to.
Finding subsided counselling was fantastic for me. It gave me the ability to be kind to myself and to recognise that life didn't stop with my bi but it was different.
The losses that you have endured because of your bi and ability to hide the reality of how difficult things must be for you really do need to be dealt with before you can begin to think about moving forward.
As has been said the Headway helpline would be a good place to start.
All excellent advice and support as above - what a wonderful site this is. After contracting Encephalitis last year I am left with some of the things you describe.
I have found that my own personal frustrations can often contribute to a negative existance and results in periods of confusion and sheer and utter frustration. I often cannot believe that I have reponded to a given situation in a particular way and very much feel that I have let myself down, never mind the people around me. And a very big YES - it is absoluteley soul destroying. So number one - these changes in ourselves are crap and most definateley is not the place any one of us wants to be.
I have no definitive answers and carry on in what I can only describe as an experimental life. I have developed personality traits which prior to my illness where totally foreign to me - like insensitivity and on occasion downright rudeness. I am slowly slowly learning to accept this about myself but more importantly starting to recognise my trigger points. When these trigger points come into my awareness I will try to remove myself from the situation(not always easy or possible) and thus reduce the damage that might be caused.
One thing I have tried to do is on a daily basis remind myself that I have a disability. ( I do this when I can because routine nolonger plays a part in my life as I do not remember every day - memory is now pants). Like others on this site my disibility is invisible, but I know it is there. Belief in myself is a favourite mantra of mine and for me is almost a lifeline.
A final point which I feel resonates, in part, with yourself. Like yourself I have always been a doer for other people. I have always enjoyed this part of my life,but sadly have had to recognise that I can no longer do this. I am extremely unreliable now, which would be hysterically funny if it didn't break my heart so much. Not everyone understands this and this may not be the path you will tread, or indeed are treading.
You sound like a very caring lady - your daughter,your clients(people you support in work) but a gentle and caring reminder from me - You need to be strong to support all around you. I know you know this and I don't mean to preach, but please find time to put your own needs first when you can and please learn to forgive yourself in waves.
Just sending you a hug I can't even begin to imagine how you've managed to fight your way through all of this, but well done for doing so. It's a testimony to your resilience. I understand what you say about not showing external sign of unbearable pain.....I'm afraid I've done that as well......upbringing related. I wonder if there are any groups for single parent families in your area? Not so much for finding a relationship - more for sharing ideas and companionship with people in a similar situation / talking to people to understand what it's like to be the sole career of a child / days out with a group here and there? Just a thought. Also, reading your first post.....industrial injuries compensation springs to mind. Not that money fixes anything, it certainly doesn't, but a small award might fund a little weekend to eurodisney for you and your daughter? Goodness knows you both deserve a bit of respite after all you've been through. It sounds very much like an open and shut case....you're employer placed you at risk unnecessarily with disastrous outcome. I wish you all the very best. This forum is a lifeline so be sure to drop by and stay in touch. x
Hi Vic, I am new to this site also, I really feel for you and all I can say is agreement with acceptance is hardest! We all do it Bi or not: denial, acceptance, future! In denial we believe that things can go on as before, acceptance is admitting it cannot, and managingfor the present, then to date to look ahead for improvements and take the steps to achieve this! It doesn't matter how long each stage takes, just bear with it. If you feel you are failing, it is only because you are comparing it to what you used to be or accept. As long as you are trying, don't feel guilty for it not being the same. As long as you are trying your best, that's ok. There wil be some days when you are not trying at all, and you feel guilty, but that's ok, it is your brain saying to you "give us a try", it will get better, don't rush, don't expect.Eventually, the abnormal becomes the normal, when you accept it as normal for you, you can move on. Also I think what happened to you is traumatic, so not all may be due to injury, and counselling on this may help???
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