Anger issues

Hi my partner is 2 years post tbi. He is doing really well and is back to work 2 days a week but I'm really struggling to deal with his anger and aggression-I am constantly treading on eggshells- the slightest thing can set him off. I have no support or friends- they are long gone. If we go out I am in constant embarrassment about his behaviour and lack of inhibition. I feel like we are the laughing stock of the village. I have 2 teenage children who he has no tolerance of whatsoever- he constantly moans about them. I just feel like I have no one to talk to. It's such a lonely place to be. I just feel heartbroken for him when I think of everything he has lost

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  • Hi welcome to the forum, firstly your not on your own as you have posted on here, and there's always someone to talk to. I can totally understand how you are feeling. My partner has suffered two tbi's he struggles with emotions, communications, and mood swings. It is a real struggle, like you say you feel like your walking on egg shells. I have always felt as if I was on a constant roller coaster that I just can't get off. He has lost his temper over the littlest thing hoovering, trying to find things he's lost but he turned it to be my fault. For me it has been a big issue as I have had a tbi caused by a lot of seizures, some of which were brought on by his temper. Please don't get to the stage that we did, it left our relationship at rock bottom. He was in denial and didn't think he had to get help and was just accepting his behaviour. It wasn't until he caused me to have a seizures after one of his explosions, and I had to have a paramedic come out. Afterwards I showed him an email from headway which gave brilliant advice, that I said you will go to your gp and tell them you need to be referred, and he did.

    I would say firstly has he been assessed and in a rehab programme? Secondly there are a lot of support groups as well as this forum out there for you. If he hasn't had a referral I would speak to the Headway helpline and get some advice, then sit him down and tell him. You have to be honest with him, and tell him it is for his benefit.

    There has been another lady started talking to us on here, very similar circumstance to you. She sent her partner a message telling him how she felt. She said she did this so he wouldn't loose his temper. She told him about the forum and that she had been talking to us. He actually went on and read all her posts and the replies, and started to realise and admitted that he was low and in denial.

    I hope you do get some things sorted out, keep us updated, and remember your never alone if you come on here and chat

    Angie :-)

  • Hi - thanks for your advice. Unfortunately he is in complete denial and thinks everyone around him is wrong and he is right. He started going to Headway in the beginning but stopped going as he didn't think he needed to -he was a very stubborn person to begin with so I think that he stubbornness has been exacerbated by his condition. Most days I can deal with it but every now and then it becomes unbearable.

  • That's the worst when they're in denial. My partner was in denial before I met him and for nearly seven years. In the end I had to lay it out in front of him. Because if you don't it can just escalate. Don't let it get to the stage we did, he's probably scared, confused and maybe struggling with depression. If he holds on to his stubbornness then he won't have to cope with it. But what you need to do is find out if there is a support group local to you. Somewhere where you can link up and chat to people in the predicament. But you've made a good start by joining us, there is always someone who chat and support you x

  • You shouldn't have to live with aggression ; no one should. Firstly, I recommend you sit your partner down and tell him calmly, but firmly, that unless he gets help in addressing his anger and aggression, you're not prepared to stay in the relationship. He needs to see his GP and ask for a referral for anger management or CBT, whatever his doctor feels would be appropriate.

    Anger issues and loss of inhibition are common after brain injury and, speaking from experience, it's hard to control. But if, for whatever reason, I'm verging on a fit of temper I'll take myself off to my room rather then inflict it on a family member (they suffered enough with hellish anxiety when I had my haemorrhage, so enough is enough). I believe it's manageable if you have the will to put others first.

    Anger is usually directed at those closest...................and that's (I believe) simply because those closest are considered a 'soft touch'. And the more it continues the more worn out and defeatist the 'victim' becomes 'til the circle is complete.

    Please don't let this continue. Your partner must be equally miserable with the turn his life has taken but, with help, he can learn to get control of his behaviour, and start to work towards a better quality of life for both of you. But one of you needs to take charge. And that has to be you .........by quietly stating that things are going to change and that he can play a part in the changes...........or not ??

    It's hard having to be the strong one when you're feeling so worn out ; but you are owed some respect, and dignity, and peace of mind.

    And we're always here my dear ............... xx

  • My TBI occurred 3yrs ago. The anger is his responsibility and he needs to deal with it. Not necessarily simple but if he isn't willing to do so, he doesn't deserve to have you. Put simply his thoughts will bring things. He needs to decide what he wants. Good luck with it👍

  • This MUST be dealt with. My husband is normally the most even tempered of men but sometimes frustration gets the better of him and he loses it. He had a very bad episode and attacked me for no reason except that I was in his way coming down the stairs. I finished up seriously injured, if a friend hadn't called I would be dead. Don't risk this happening to you. I worry constantly now that it will happen again, although he has been given meds to try to help.

    Can I suggest that you forward all these replies to him to read when he is on his own. Maybe the fact that we have all experienced these things will shock him into realising that it is his responsibility to deal with this situation, not yours.

    You cannot and should not have to live like this. Do act now before a more serious situation develops. He cannot help having a bi but he can learn how to modify his behaviour. If he didn't have you, where would he be? He needs to respect you and realise how much you do to enable him to live the life he has now.

    Do keep in touch with us. There is lots of good advice on this site and lots of lovely people here to help where they can.

    Good luck, hope this all helps.

    Jan x

  • Hi Jan,

    Thanks for your comments. At the moment it is just verbal aggression but I worry in case he does ever become violent- he is very physically strong and could really hurt me

  • It is important that this is dealt with so that it DOESN'T turn into violence. Besides, this temper is not good for your children.

    Jan

  • I had my TBI 32 years ago , and after being married 21 years we parted , I suppose the 11 years difference between our ages may have had something to do with it . Pride and arrogance wouldn't allow me to come down off my high horse and talk things over . I've been on my own now for 8 years and as the old saying says "you never need it til it's gone." bloody old fool that I am . Dave x

  • Hi, my injury was 10 months ago and one of the hardest parts for me is trying to control my anger. Something which used to just annoy me now makes me lash out and shout. Like yourself my partner has had enough of the aggression too. Maybe suggest to your partner of finding ways to handle his aggression in a way that suits him. Because I have been told that I am an 'anger head' I have become aware that I shout for sometimes nothing so what I do before I speak is leave the room and come back 5 minutes later which gives me time to realise that the reaction my brain wants to give is not needed. I can imagine it is so hard to deal with but it will be for your husband too, the best thing I can say is try to help him find a strategy which helps him control his anger better.

    Chloe☺️

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