20 years and 6 months since coma

I felt like I was losing my way in the world lately and have come out of it feeling stronger and more optimistic.

I've felt like that before and when you are so low you relate everything to having a head injury and that horrible spiralling down into darkness felt like it was happening again. Being a mum now I had no escape from the noise and terror of not grasping life properly, looking into it but being outside of it. Accepting it and not worrying is the way forward. Looking objectively and not subjectively, seeing the bigger situation and not just myself helped a lot. Talking on here and going into Headway helped a lot. Accepting this is me and if I can only do leafleting work (and not very well, it's taking me ages), then that is OK. Existing on a different level to most people is OK as well- a bit rubbish sometimes but that is ok. I think I feel better after watching Roots on BBC. It upset me and expanded my mind but I need that. I wish I could learn as I feel like I don't quickly enough but that is ok as well. I wish I could explain myself as I still feel in a muddle a lot of the time but I know I am millions better than 20, 10 and even 5 years ago. Be strong everyone. Time does heal. Even when it doesn't feel like it, it's hard to see when we are trying so hard to cope from day to day even minute to minute. Some people say time is a man-made thing and doesn't really exist. I hope I can help someone not to worry because worry doesn't get us anywhere. Relax, read a book, do a suduko or listen to something nice :)

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  • Morning to you Aqua-hope you have managed a good sleep. This is the best time- silent and calm so I plan to get up, feed the cats, make coffee and then finish writing my short story before the rest of the world (and my teenagers) wake up. Should be safe for a few hours yet, methinks! Your post was so real- we are the ones who have a new reality now, any dreams and plans we may have had prior to our BI no longer apply. Luckily for me, thanks to retrograde amnesia I can't remember if I had any plans or dreams , or even who the pre-BI person was, as she has gone. Yes It does take a long time, years not months, finding work, getting back into the swing, but you must do it only on your terms and at your pace. We won't be like other people anymore , no matter whether we, or they, want us to be, which is why so many friendships and marriages fail. It is a painful, challenging, utterly life-altering event but we just need to accept our BI and live as fully as we can. We need to be kind to ourselves, see the beauty which is out there, listen to the music we love, not be apologetic for who we are and how we are. We just are- and that's enough. Each and every single one of us is enough as we are. Have a great day everyone X

  • Hello abi1

    Your eloquence in your reply to Aqua79 is wonderful, so, so true! Ihave lived with my husband for 37 years post BI, and he still can't quite accept it. If only I could get him to read your blog! Encouraged, I will try! Thank you.

    Caroline

  • Dear Aqua and abi1. Your wisdom is so deep and yet accessible. Aqua, I don't know how you expressed yourself before, but believe me, your ideas come across very clearly and beautifully. Many many people without any BI would benefit from adopting the approach that you two now take to life. People are so often focused on what they are not, what they do not have, what their friends and family are not, etc. Thank you both so much for reminding us of the abundance in each of our lives.

  • I frequently spiral low as go through lots of patches when there is so much to be dealing with and managing that I go into total overwhelm, and there is little good feelings between them. I can totally comprehend where you are coming from and I need to hold on (probably printed on a piece of paper!) to your eloquent explanation and use it to help me find the positives of my improvements since I acquired my BI in 2011. Too easily I reflect on what I have lost in my abilities and life! It is my son that gives me the incentive to strive on because without me he has no parent.

    Thank you Aqua x

  • Excuse the pun but , 'you've hit the nail right on the head '. I got my first BI in 1985 when I had a job as a firefighter . I always think of that as the end of my life . It changed my life completely , what with epilepsy and other maladies that followed , I went down hill , until 2014 when I received a subdural haemorrhage knocking me back even more . As I am now 62 year old my age compounds all . I see an electrophysiologicIst for my heart , a neurologist for my head , and a psychologist for my mind . I've got loads of 'Ists , all that is needed is the gynaecologist and I don't think I'll ever get that , so you can always , and must fight it all and you will come out on top of it .

  • Just so everyone knows that is me at my best (that paragraph I wrote last night)! I did think deeply about it and have wanted to say thank you and put something meaningful on here. I am pretty much lost and have covered that up for the last few years as my son arrived. My mind is all over the place and I am happier now I've reached out for help and spoken somewhat about it. Completely puzzled and in a way I wish I knew how things would have been if no car hit me in 1996. Maybe better not to know, that's a wasteful thought ha. I feel like I have enough energy to work again but cannot do leafleting as I used to because 2 hours door-to-door exhausts me. Who was the person working in promotion in London 10 years ago? Completely fake as totally unstable beneath the surface, think I just kept myself busy on a treadmill of London-life :)

    healthunlocked is a proper counselling session for me as I am reliving my past!

    Glad to hear my words help some as that means the world to me.

  • Hello Aqua - Jules here.

    Your words make me feel a little more glued to this life - i think someone else here also commented very true about what you said. They said that maybe some people without a brain injury would become better people if they read this.

    Maybe the people that have been so unkind to Harry (who just posted) shoud read it.

    I remember my plans i had before my bike crash but dont think i will ever be able to accept i cant get there now.

    At the last therapy session i went to (its trauma therapy) the doctor said my brain doesnt know its had an injury - it will try and proceed as before which is why i can feel so much conflict in my head. (Cant fully recall the conversation - but that was the nuts and bolts of it).

    What i have learnt recently (with me) is, if i can find something i find of equal value to do in my life as to what i was doing pre accident then maybe i will be able to ease my grasp on the past (it will have to be something different, but that would be OK ish maybe).

    Many many thank yous for taking the time to write that Aqua

    Kind regards

    Jules

    x

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