I eventually get to rusper village church and it hits me. I cry. I'm so sad I put up with my parents mood on top of head injury.
I message my gf...she's thinking about herself even after I say I thought about my death.
I message a female family friend...she refers to head injury as shit!
Hopefully you guys are nicer and offer some kind of support.
Things really tough for me. I'm thinking of Africa...why not. I'm thinking about death why not go somewhere life is happening. Today I have thought about going to London, the north, Spain, Italy and now Africa! Why do I think so much!?!?
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LukeB
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I think the kind of support that you need Luke is far more than we can give on a virtual forum. You have commented that you you told your girlfriend that 'I thought about my death'. Is that because you are feeling suicidal or because you are very much needing a concerned response from your girlfriend. We are not doctors, therapists, crisis support workers, but mostly just others, like you, struggling to make sense of our lives and manage with a bi. Yes we are genuinely concerned and empathic to each other and will offer ideas and suggestions if we can, but I think you are asking and needing too much from us if you are wanting us to support you with your suicidal ideation mentioned in a couple of posts now. Luke if you are feeling so extremely, you need to get proper help e.g speak to the Headway helpline, the Samaritans, or go to your local A&E where they will get you seen by the crisis team. It is very upsetting to read your posts and feel helpless to be able to say or do anything helpful.
Maybe consider phoning them because then you can have a more meaningful two way conversation. When you are down it is also more helpful to hear someones voice so that their expressed tone can be acknowledged to be understanding and concerned. You can't get that through email as we can only assume how it is said and can get that very wrong! Also with email there is a delay between what is said and responses. A conversation is fluid and also enables us to express our emotions which is good too for us and for them to hear exactly how you are and also not have to assume how things are being written.
Thanks yeah, good 'call'😉. I did have a chat with a fellow from blackpool on Samaritans yesterday. Will probably do and need again today esp after going to the docs who will try and fob me off with middle class, middle England, new con excuses.
This is a forum right so I can say what I want as long as it's about head injury right. So that's me.
Thanks for your reply and in depth views but may I say I did t like you mentioned 'us' before...it made me feel like it's everyone and then me! I get Enough of that elsewhere as do most head injured people, I imagine.
I say 'us' so I am not wrongly assuming that 'you' have that specific difficulty. Also it is often helpful to know you are not alone with your problems as others have or have had them too. I say 'us' because I have a brain injury, I have been extremely clinically depressed in my life and seen no point in my life and yes it is all underpinned by horrendous parents in my childhood. However, as my offered thoughts are not helping you I will refrain from 'offering' my support to your posts.
Ok. Please don't take it the wrong way...I didn't think about the brain injury us, it felt like us was everyone else ( not talking about the psychiatric things I was accused of mentioning ) and me talking about psychiatric things (which felt like I shouldn't be) so that's where I was and what the 'us' was to me yesterday!
Please. No bad feelings but because this is a forum both good and bad should be communicated no? But with the overall mantra of helping one another😊
Hi Luke, So I get where you are coming from when you say 'death - why not go find somewhere life is happening'. I lost friends at 19yrs, after 4 funerals, at 20, I wanted to leg it, go off travelling, had done death, now wanted to explore life. So I get your sentiment.
Is the idea of travel an opportunity to divert your attention? Great in theory. Do it. Go! If you are fully prepared for travel.
I'm guessing you are struggling with accepting your BI, you want to talk about it to people you care about, but they don't empathise with you, its because they don't and may never fully understand. Give Headway a ring tomorrow.
Do you want to get away so you don't have to think about dealing with the emotion attached to BI recovery? Or do you seriously want to travel to broaden your horizons, take on a new level of risk and explore language and culture in far off places. Having been to parts of rural Africa, it is not a friend to the weak. You must be strong, resilient, with a view to forgetting time and enduring long periods with no water or food or toilets if travelling.
I wonder if the doc can give you something to balance the brain chemistry - crying while good as an outlet - alongside feeling down - errs on the side of depression which stems from an imbalance of brain chemistry likely due to your BI. Are you getting enough good quality sleep? Do you experience depression often? Be honest with yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help.
Just as an afters, if we share something about ourselves, the usual thing friends do is share something about themselves back. That's a friendship. Mirroring. If you want to share in depth, without someone sharing back, you are seeking a counsellor or therapist so you can discuss, chew, debate, sort and flush thoughts to have a more rested body and mind. Seems like your thoughts are doing over time?
Did you try meditating! Helps to deepen the breathing which in turn helps thoughts to slow down and be more logical.
Hope this helps. Take good care of yourself, you only have one body! x
Main thing is to get away but I do like the adventure.
I don't plan well so often I'll go and be like...um, damn, what now!
I got some antidepressants but after taking them previously I'm not sure they did much.
Main problem is the mother,mine!
Aggressive, uptight, angry. In real need of some calmers but that's another thing.
Mirroring is good, counseling is good. Basically talking is good. Having good time and space to research future options is good as well but my mum is aggressive/has problem with me being at home during 9to 5 work hours so I'm often out which makes planning more difficult, and it is already difficult!
I just feel out of options plenty of ideas but to choose one, stick to one and do it is a real big deal for me.
Thank you, low battery now and outside in the countryside wondering where to go!
I've clashed with my mother most of my life. I respect her for being different to me. For teaching me about myself. She shows me behaviour which makes me stronger. Listen to the wisdom of the trees if you are in the country. They root down into the ground, the wind blows and they don't budge, just wave their branches in response. Be a tree Luke. x
Thank you. The countryside really helped. What a majestic place but what a day!
Hi Luke, you absolutely need professional help. You have problems with your parents, but put yourself in their shoes. You are in your 30's so they are probably coming up to retirement age. When you reach their age, what will you be looking forward to? Certainly not an adult son coming back home to live, with or without a bi, that very rarely works, you all have your own way of living.
Running away to live abroad again will not solve anything, the problems will still be there. Do go to your doctor tomorrow and ask for some help with depression and some decent counselling or CBT so you can find out why you are feeling like this. This is not just a bi problem, it's a deep seated need somewhere inside you that needs sorting out so that you can live your life to the full.
You don't need to carry on feeling like this, you need to get to grips with it and find out where the problems lie.
Very, very good luck with it. Hopefully if you follow all the advice people are giving you here, we could soon be chatting with the new Luke.
Maybe I should go back to China where people love me, as much as I hate living there.
Can I be happy in England!?
Something sorting out is bang on. I've thought that for quite a while now but how to get that treatment!? Oh my, that would be great. That's ultimately what I came back for. Bless you.
Yeah, if only the day could be crossed like fingers😉
I'm gona see about psychiatric treatment. Thus is stupid how I've lived so long with all these things making me cower, be worried and miss out on life😱
No worries I been before actually but it was a rather attractive Russian woman! Seem i get fobbed off by the nhs but I didn't think about that while I was there thinking her😄
Thanks you. Yeah some great treatmet would be great.
There should be an mot for the brain injured but how often would that be? At first I had loads of appointments but had no steady clue what was going on. Now I'm more out of the crazy first year or three I can look back and say now that I need some help.
Just seen your post and just wanted to say i am thinking of you and wishing it was tomorrow for you soon, as tomorrow you will feel a little easier with your soul.
I think i know where you are in your head, they are often my ow n thoughts and i am always eased by the next day,
MOT for BI - ask for a formal cognitive assessment to assist with your return to employment - chartered psychologist - paid for by nhs (£500ish) - get second opinion if doc denies...
Oh Luke, as Iv had last few days you are clearly going down. You can only sink so far till you run out of breath and have to come back up. Telling people you know is not a good idea at all. Remember they don't and never ever could understand. Going away seems like the best thing ever " been there " but your feelings will just go with you. You can't not pack them in your bags. Change is good at first but then it just goes back to normal. Have you a dog ? Can you get one ? Sounds silly but when I got one its was to give me a reason, to get out of bed, to stay out of bed, to get me out the house and away from these people, to talk too, he really understands, no he does, all dogs do. They can read your emotions. He doesn't answer with his own problems . You need to do things to help yourself. Coming on here is a great step, step one achieved. Go to doctor for help, a refural. Xx
Thank you. I would love a dog but that must wait until I have my own place. Getting out of bed is not an issue with my mother. I wake in fear and worry. This morning the doctors opened at eight so I was out before then. Plus I was hungry and while she has become addicted to bacon I wasn't going to ask for any after her venomous verbal spits yesterday.
The doc said psychiatrists are for drugs and severe mental conditions so I rang time to talk and got the answer phone.
Thank you for your kindness. Tomorrow is now 'another day' and a sunny one😊The doctor was really nice. Thanks
Haha. But Share? You're thinking about bacon? You'll be lucky and even if you did someone would pay DEARLY for her 'hard work'. I don't want a dog that bites, there are so many poorly behaved dogs. I'd like an intelligent dog, maybe a super dog that could do stuff like take my wallet out my pocket and give it when I needed to pay for somthing😉If that dog could do something to control her anger that would be good but why waste it on her. They've got time and money and have mentione about getting another dog so they should but maybe it would become like them! Wow, I think I need antidepressants!
I'm getting excited about communal living. (And giving up on the nhs!) I listened to something, a podcast, last night and sparked something...remembering the good things for humans😊
I will definitely look into your suggestions once I've had a break from screen
I'm joinging a little late I'm afraid, so sorry you're having a bad time of it right now. This is definitely the right place to come for people who understand you better than anyone else. Great replies already with good suggestions. Remember also that you're definitely not alone. And also, whatever your situation, things will change - just because they do. I hope in a year from now You're looking back thinking,' that was a difficult stage of my life', , and are enjoying a very different way of being. Everything changes with time. Good luck with your search for independent living as well. I left home very Young, and the thought of going back to live with my folks would have been the last thing on my mind. (No way!). I couldn't afford a flat so lived in a big house share which was much much cheaper.....shared kitchen and bathroom, but made a lot of sense and gave me private space of my own. No one telling me what to do, or what time to be home, and still having some company around around just to say hello to someone each day. Maybe have a look into shared houses as an option? Stay strong........with all the things you've done and places you've been, you're definitely stronger than you think x
I just feel shit that after a big accident this is how I'm treated but I've realized they have their own problems as we all do so what's left but to live, love and enjoy life😉Guess I forgot that!
hi Luke, phew... exhausted after reading your posts! lol. you are going at 90 million miles an hour. talk to me? slowly? I hope you are up for a chat at some point.
Hi. I'm all good now. This was last year and I left the UK yet again 😄 found a nice place, bit busy but ok (its somewhere I can survive 😊). Hitting the road soon and most likely staying on it for the summer 😉😆.
I hope you're well. Thanks for reading out ❤ I wish you all the best
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plenty of ideas but to choose one, stick to one and do it is a real big deal for me.
x
Feeling down
Was feeling so good
I'm so sad today
Neurologist consult - I'm scared!
