I haven't written on here for a very long time, I haven't read any posts on here for a very long time - in fact since 11 March last year! Each time a notification has arrived I have moved the email from my inbox to a folder, my intention when I started was to read them all as & when I felt up to it. Around the same time I stopped going to see the Head Injury team at hospital, I stopped seeing my GP (& taking the medication she'd issued) & shortly afterwards I stopped seeing my counsellor. I also stopped going out alone other than on very rare occasions. I have found comfort in such reclusiveness, I still feel anxious & have panic attacks, but less so as I avoid situations that cause me most anxiety or distress. This has served to allow me the luxury of not having to think about the emotional implications of brain injury, instead I have just got by day by day dealing with the physical & cognitive symptoms (which is more than enough to cope with in my book).
The reason I am analysing this now is because I am due to start seeing the hospital Head Injury team next week & am very nervous about doing so. Aside from the practical issues of having to make my way there alone via buses & taxis (where available), I am worried about seeing the team & other patients. The team are visibly frustrated by me, they view my upset at my injury & subsequent daily symptoms as failure to accept it has happened. I find it incredible they think it strange to be upset by such issues, especially as they now tell me I will likely experience these symptoms for the rest of my life! I find it difficult to cope feeling unwell so much, but nothing is harder to cope with than feeling judged for how I feel (which I have no control over) by those supposed to help me.