Too too painful

My brain injured husband & I had no choice but to separate last July as I had a breakdown. I have been in denial ever since. Still loving him, being close with him, helping & supporting him & clinging on so tightly. Last week he lied to me & slept with someone else. He says he didn't know why he did I.. I think I know, he is very friendly with people & perhaps gives them the wrong impression & then it escalates. I am in so much pain as I love him & I know he loves me as he tells me. I'm desperate for him to show me instead of hurting me. I am in turmoil. My husband who I married idolised me & never looked at another woman. I have to move on, but i love him. He says he can't have a relationship with anyone at the moment & I do think he is right as he cannot give me what I truly need or deserve. I'm heartbroken :(

19 Replies

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  • Have you thought of contacting Relate - not necessarily as a couple, since I suspect from what you have written that you are both moving on, albeit somewhat haphazardly, from your relationship. But Relate offer advice and support to anyone - married or single, in a relationship, breaking up, or on the outside...they may be able to help you make sense of some of the conflicting thoughts in your head and help you to work out where it is that you really want to go from here. You csn access their counselling online as well as face to face.

    It sounds like you have had a really tough few years, and you deserve some space to get your head round what life has thrown at you and how you feel about it all. Private counselling would be another option, your GP can arrange something short term, but paying for a longer time of support may be worth considering and far quicker.

    I hope you get some help soon, in the meantime don't be afraid to grieve for what you have lost. Bottling it all up rarely comes to a positive end.

  • Thank you. I am having private counselling. You're right as I do have completely conflicting thoughts the whole time.. Sometimes in a matter of minutes :(

  • Hi Mowgli,

    You must be devastated. I am so sorry. In your husbands defence he is probably unable to control the emotional part of his brain. I know this is not a defence, but this is something that some brain injured people have to deal with.

    Relate would probably be a good starting point if you can deal with this betrayal.

    I am a woman so come at this from a different perspective, I have had no feelings of desire since my BI, so I have gone from a fairly active sex life to nothing. I have to try very hard to remember that my husband has needs, perhaps an easier situation than yours.

    Just trying to maybe help in some way, it must be so muc harder for our partners learning to live with the different person they are living with, it can be hard for us too.

    Hope you resolve this

    Love Janetx

  • Thank you Janet. I know he didn't mean to hurt me. It's so very complicated. We both have so many of our own issues as I also lost my mum this time last year :(

    I feel so insecure & rejected xx

  • Hi, first of all please excuse my english as it is not my forst language. I will try to express myself as clear as Im able to. I had a brain hemorhage and my fiance then and now husband has been extremely supporting.

    He lives in UK and I lived in Poland at that time, I was in process of moving to him, but my "accident" happened and it had to postponed. Anyway, I have been recovering well and he has been with me all the way; for 10 months, just helping me, forgetting his settled life in the UK and job. Im very grateful to him and I cannot imagine to live with another man, but. Yes, there is a but, unfortunately. It is hard for me to cope with my sexuality which has completely chnaged after BI. My feelings about myself are very confusing sometimes, and I can imagine in all this confusion I could make a mistake and be with someone else becasue of all those feelings, emotions and confusion that is connected with brain injury. I do not want to defend your husband and I really feel for you. It has been difficult, but one thing is sure - this will pass. I know Im coming from a slightly different culture, but maybe showing different perspective would help you go through that. I understand your pain and loneliness.

    This is the worst, when you are among other people and feel you are actually completely on your own in the whole universe. I want to say more - this is not your fault, you did not do anything wrong and have right to go through your own pains. You said your husband idolised you, if I understand what you mean correctly, maybe he feels he does not deserve you anymore? Sometimes I feel that with my husband. He is strong, attractive, nice, kind, the most noble person I know and I feel like a burden to him sometimes.

    Even though we are married just a year I offered him a divorce many times, I know Im silly, but sometimes I feel he would be better off without me. So if I ever separate from him this would be the ground of it; maybe there is something to it. What I can advise is think of what you really want. And if you separate then do separate. I mean, for short time maybe, try to live your life and see how it goes, meet other people, not fo sex but for taking different perspetive.

    There is a whole great world around you, just join it. And I do not mean leave your husband, but take a step back to figure out what you really want and again this pain will pass. During my recovery I was going through different phases and I tried many things like meditation, mindfulness, tantra etc and I can tell you one sure thing - you cannot be helpful to someone when you are broken yourself.

    Im sure you are strong person who can overcome what is happening, you have support here. Of course it would be great if you had someone holding your hand all the way but this is not always the case, but you can do it.

    Hope you do not mind me showing different perspective a bit, and if you want to talk to me, I will be happy to help.

    Stay strong.

    Iwona

  • Thank you so much for sharing your story, it's do helpful. :)

  • Wise words Iwona,! Xx

  • Iwona thank you so so much. You are an amazing person. . Your advice is completely perfect. I am so grateful to you xx

  • You are welcome. I will be always happy to share a thought if it can help someone :)

  • Shame Mowgli. It's so tough for you at the moment! I sincerely hope that he will eventually figure out your relationship. Only time will really tell I suppose!

    Love Debs

    Xxxx

  • indeed take time for you now,and see where it leads you,keep up with the counselling,get some perscetive and hey you might work out what you want,rember you? big hugs and best of luckxxx

  • mowgli123 hi I went the other way, cut myself off, strangers I keep well away from if that is

    ossible then I talk to my wife and she answers for me.

    an example of this is when I went for my appointment with the neuro psychiatrist ..... I didn't know her so I answered to my wife.

    anyways this isn't helping you with youre problem. I had a stroke which left me with a brain injury resulting in me having a brain injury ( we weren't warned about this when I left hospital ) causing aggression, mood swings, noise intolerance, my thought process being my ( all filters have gone ) my tongue , rudeness inappropriate behaviour and suggestions in and outside the house.

    all of this caused my wife to have a melt down and she was sent home from work.

    she managed to get an emergency appointment with our gp she broke down in the surgery , thing is , I wasn't aware id changed, any way, this resulted in the gp referring me to a psychiatrist.

    he said he wanted to put me on anti depressants and I told him what he could do withthem, I did however agree to take epilim, which is for epilepsy but is also used as a mood stabiliser. that was 31/2 yrs ago, they work but I still have my moments.

    we also go to a local headways group ( you can find your nearest on here ) its great because it gives you a chance to chat to other poor devils, who put up with our weird ways and for your husband to meet others to discuss with people who knows what hes going through because they've been there themselves.

    so get a gps appointment for the 2 of you

    find your local headway group

    and insist you on psychiatric help

    with a brain injury there are no sexual boundaries , that is why hes the way he is.

    im sorry to say this but the man you married died when he had his brain injury, this is a new man, so itll be like going on a first date first time you went to bed.....its basically

    learning about your new man.

    I will say welcome to family.......if ever you need to blow off steam this is the place to do it.........

    stay in touch

    steve

  • I really feel for you. It is awful how brain injuries can affect relationships. It has in my case. My neuropsychologist supported me to make sense of the change in me, my behaviour and how to manage my life in some sense of normality. Perhaps some space apart will help too. Would your husband see a neuropsychologist ? But he needs to be receptive to help.

    Look after you, you come first, think about your needs, and take your time in your decisions.

    I left my partner two years ago, I loved him dearly, but it was not helping my recovery, although I couldn't see it at the time. It WAS the hardest decision to make, but two years later I am living alone, and life is brighter. I

    Take care xx

  • Yes my husband has seen a neuropsychologist.. But not regularly. He hasn't had an stable, ongoing treatment at all which is why everything is in turmoil at the moment for him. I can tell he is confused, guilty, angry.

    My heart in the meantime is breaking. But I have ordered 2 BI books & I know he hasn't hurt me intentionally. He has frontal lobe damage.. And these are all typical symptoms/behaviours of this. Thank you for your reply x

  • hi I can relate to your situation, my partner had a terrible head injury 5 years ago, which has affected the frontal lobe, we also lost our son to a brain tumour 3 years ago. it has been very difficult and still is, we have a daughter who is 11. the injury and the loss of our son has changed him terribly. he is very difficult to deal with. I think it will be best if we separate so like you have some breathing space. I m tired and drained of his behaviour sometimes and it has an impact on the family dynamic. it is a terrible situation that I can not fixed. tried therapy Neuropsychologist but it has not help, the trauma memories can't be changed, looking at similar cases I have learned that they blame the closed person for everything. I wish you all the best.

  • I am so so sorry to hear this.. You have been through far too much. You must be a strong & amazing lady, I hope you have a good support network?

    I lost my mum last year to a brain tumour.. I am speechless for you :(

    Where do you live? I would really welcome the support to perhaps chat on the phone or meet for a coffee? Perhaps would be beneficial to you too? You're right about my husband blaming a lot of things on me. He says whatever he does it isn't good enough. That he has to be on his own now to concentrate on his recovery.

    He was the perfect man (for me) before the accident & I grieve him every day. Xx

  • Hi Mowgli,

    Its awful to here this happen as the rippling effect of brain injury hurts more than we know. I find it really difficult to feel emotion since my Bi last May but I try. My heart goes out to you and I truly hope it works out. Take care and have a fantastic Saturday evening. Nick XX

  • That is so kind of you thank you. I hope so too x

  • BRAIN DAMAGE DESTROYS

    i hope things get better for you

    i feel your pain as many of us here do we have been there

    got the bloody t shirt

    lots of love to you both xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    john

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