At my wits end

[sabin2015]

Things are getting worse he still thinks he hasn't got a problem but he is being so distant and argumentative. I just don't know what to do any more i I say anything I am going against him putting him down all the time ..I really don't know what to do any more

[cat3]

Hi Sabin. Did you contact Headway's helpline for guidance ?

[paxo05]

Hi Sabin.

Have you both attended any local headway meetings.

Acceptance of a problem is not a weakness but until he realises this you can not move forward and improve.

This is so easy to do say but not so easy to do. This is also a stage that cannot be rushed and is something thst musy be worked through.

It is an awfull stage of recovery and it is a time when unfortunately you hurt the ones love most.

I wish I could say the words that would take you beyond this stage but I feel lost at what to say.

There were no magic words that mde me accept the impact of my bi. Even the obvious changes I found hard to admit.

Only when faced with losing everthing I held dear did I begin to question what had happened to me and seek further help.

Good luck Pax x

[Hidden]

Hi

So sorry you are going through this awful time, I had the same thing with my husband and was struggling to know what to do and say most of the time.

As Cat says Headway were really helpful for both of us as well as his neurological psychologist and my local Carers organisation. They all helped both of us see things a little clearer and work a way forward.

It took my husband probably two years post SAH before he understood the difficulties, and we still have days when he pushes himself too far. But I have learnt what to say and how to say it when this happens. We both understand when we need to plan and how we can cope with the changes that have happened.

Life isn't perfect but we now have a relationship and understanding that means we can go forward. I work full time, and go to a sewing group one evening a week, I also support him to go to a computer group once a month and to do his amateur radio hobby (even took and eventually passed my radio licence to enable me to do this!).

Hang in there, you will work through this, but don't be afraid to ask for help. Be honest about your feelings and what you want. As a unpaid family Carer you do have rights and you need to make sure that people understand that you want a life too.

Good luck, hugs

Xx

[Molly15]

Morning sabin. This sounds so like me!! We are nearly 3 years post SAH now, and things are so much better than they were. It is the hardest thing in the world, your husband is not the man you married any more, and the way he is, is that of a totally different person. We never argued or had fights before all of this happened, but since, as you say, it feels like everything I say annoys him, or he thinks I am "having a go at him" or he gets hold of the wrong end of the stick, and thinks I am saying things deliberately to annoy him (God forbid!)

It is the brain injury talking.... that's what I have to keep telling myself, when all I want to do is burst into tears. As others have said, Headway has been our saviour. My husband attends their day centre 2 days a week, and it has been a Godsend to us. Plus we attend a Stroke Club in our area one day week, where we have such great fun, with some fab people, most of whom are in a less able state than my husband.

Please message me if you want to talk, I really do know what you are going through, and would be happy to help.

Very best wishes, Molly x

[sabin2015 in reply to Molly15]

Thank you so much it's just nice to find people who know what I am going through x

[neilhapgood]

Hi Sabin,

It took me a a few years to realise the mess i was in at that I needed help. I have since put a website together to try and help others realise the complexities of what they are dealing with, you may find it of some use braininjuryftp.com

Really hope things improve as it's not a pleasant experience being on the recieving end of it at all.

All the best

[sospan in reply to neilhapgood]

Just had a look at your site, it is really good and parallels my experience quite well.

I also asked the "Ok so i have damaged my head, what do I have to do to get better ?" to the doctors and found it difficult to accept when they had no direct answer.

[sospan]

For the first two years of my injury I could be very distant and snappy.

There is a lot of good advice on here about using Headway support and you could contact your GP, MIND or your local authority adult services for help.

One of the things we didn't understand or maybe the GP didn't understand the medical case behind it is anti depressants. My GP kept on asking if I was depressed because he could give me anti depressants. What I have found out since is that to start to repair, the brain needs to stop running at 100 mph and ease off a bit. However, after an injury the brain runs at 150 mph - I hurt, i am dizzy, I am confused, why doesn't things make sense, why can't I do things and the extra effort to just to the basics puts on extra load. What I understand now is that anti depressants will take the load off and also ease the load. Wish he had explained that better as like most blokes, when asked - depressed me !

As I said I another post, plan each day out the same pattern. Set periods where he has to rest (preferably sleep) at least 3 times during the day. The downtime really helps recovery and mood. I used to shut down around lunch time, 3 - 4 O'clock and early evening and then bed at midnight

Having a head injury is like being a badly behaved drunk, lapses in and out of mood swings, lashes out at loved ones, stumbling, quite bizarre speech and actions etc. For the brain injured it is all those and you know you are doing but like the drunk have no way of controlling it.

Don't try doing this alone seek some help

[sabin2015 in reply to sospan]

Thank you so much it has really helped x

[sospan in reply to sabin2015]

It took me a long time to adjust but I think I am over the worst. We still have the odd flare up - but then mother nature has a wicked sense of humour putting a head injury male and a female going through the menopause together. Mood swings, temper tantrums etc times two.

It is like turning a super tanker around, it is very, very, slow progress and symptoms will come and go. Have a look at neil hapgood site above and brainline.org/landing_pages...

I tried many things vitamins, exercise, mental puzzles trying to look for things to make the injury better and at the end of the day it was setting a routing that really helped. It may be as simple as after breakfast each day putting the vacuum on. If it is something is done every day at the same time it has a strange effect; it gives focus and a purpose and also is a low mental task that doesn't require a lot of brain activity. It may be difficult to broach this directly but it could be done subtly or if he says he is ok, set it as a challenge.

[Steve49]

Hi Sabin.

I'm so sorry to hear about your current situation !!!!!!

Yes as the others on this site say "Headway" is a must after a Brain Injury.

They will give you the Support & Advise we so desperately need at a very Hard/Difficult Time.

They gave me the platform too move forward, I had the chance to meet other B/I people & there Care's.

Not as though I wanted other people to be going through the difficulty's I was facing.

"Expectance" is a must as well, before we can move forward.

We all come out off hospital a different person so we can become a completely new person.

I was very shy/quite person before my "SAH" well now you can't stop me from talking & taking people on !!

Please contact me if you require any further Help \ Support ??

Steve.

[sabin2015 in reply to Steve49]

Thank you x

[Steve49 in reply to sabin2015]

That's Fine !!

If you need anything else please let me know !!!

Steve.

[Steve49]

No probs !!!!

Please let me know if you require further help\advise as I have got the

"T-SHIRT"

Steve.

[StrawberryCream]

Hi Sabin

I queried this in my response to your first post and I have just looked back to remind myself whether you responded to my question. I will again suggest that your husbands difficulties may not be an issue of struggling with acceptance of his bi although this may have some impact. I am wondering what area of his brain was injured because if it is frontal brain, like for me, this could explain a lot of the difficulties that you are both experiencing. the frontal brain is the area that is responsible for our moods and mood control and also our self awareness of whether our social behaviour is acceptable or not, being very rigid and self centred etc etc. Has he had neuro psychology testing to identify any difficulties he may have??

[sabin2015 in reply to StrawberryCream]

Hi yes I think it was at the front of his brain .He fell out of bedroom window on to concrete x

[StrawberryCream in reply to sabin2015]

I would suggest that you go with him to his GP, or if he is still seeing a neurologist ask for a referral to be made for a neuro psychological assessment. In the meantime perhaps look up frontal brain injury or contact the Headway Helpline and ask that they send you info. I think you will find some explanations for his difficulties and that may better help you both to understand why he is behaving in the ways that he is. I have sustained a frontal brain injury and I initially thought my irritability, inflexible thinking, anger and mood problems etc etc was because I wasn't accepting what had happened to me but I now know it is caused by the brain injury and not really within my control. I still have lots of problems, because although I was neuro psych tested and felt huge relief with the outcome that I wasn't going crazy and it validated the difficulties I was experiencing, I haven't managed to get an appropriate referral (due to lack of available/appropriate services in my area) to be helped to learn some strategies to manage the problems.

Best wishes

[steve55]

hi sabin i had mine in 2012 i was the same has hubby wife got sent home from work. got an appointment with the gp same day she just broke down. gp suggested i go on a mild anti depressant told him where to go. he referred me to a psychiatrist and i take epilim as a mood stabiliser.....works most of the time.....im also under a nero psychiatrist. give it go good luck

oh and find and go to your local headway group helped my wife......and me