Having a partner

I got use to being on my own. And carried on with my life as a single person. Seeing my children a and grandchildren growning up. After my stroke in march

It was then l wished l had a partner. To share my fears, dreams and everything else with. Has anyone else relooked at their life big time?. I know amstroke does change your life. Just making me rethink a lot of stuff. And l am now moving nearer my children. And now start a new life.

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  • I've actually developed a taste for solitude since my BI. I do have a pal who stays for long periods since I had my SAH (in fact it was he who was with me when I collapsed and who visited every day whilst I was in hospital for 2 months.

    But when he goes away to visit family, I breathe a sigh of relief. I feel so guilty thinking this way because, for no particular reason, on the night I took ill, he'd postponed the long drive home 'til the next day. Had he gone that night as planned, I would have been alone and unable to call for help as, after passing out, I remember nothing 'til events of 4 weeks later.

    So my family see him as the hero who saved my life, and are obviously reassured by his presence. But they're also very fond of him regardless of all that.

    But we can't help our innermost feelings and needs. Yours seems to be for a soul-mate whereas mine is for peace and solitude, and freedom to make my own choices, unhindered.

    Maybe you're feeling more vulnerable since your stroke cjjaks and apprehensive about being alone. Or changes in your brain have produced a shift of emotions and what suited you before has ceased to be satisfactory now.

    How do you think you might go about meeting someone ?

    Cat x

  • Hi cat. I was married for over 20 years.. Up till 6 years ago. That was when l thought l didn't need anyone. How wrong was l. I live in a village so no one in my town. Open to offers lol. Jakki x

  • I am so fortunate to have a beautiful wife but I think any BI causes us to remember the better times and draw focus on the precious things in life.

    It sounds to me that you are very much taking the positive move forward in your new life. I think all here with BI will agree that it is just that, BI then a new you and a new life.

    This forum is all about support and sharing so anytime you have fears, doubts worries or joys, events or just want a rant this is the place. There is bound to be someone here that will know or be able to respond.

    Stay well, stay positive

    Sporan

  • Thanks l am sure l will find someone in time. It just throws home to you. As to how life can be. Jakki x

  • When you're ready but not looking bingo! That's when you find someone xx

  • Hope so... Think l need to get out more too lol x

  • What sort of social life, if any, do you have Jakki ?

  • I am sad l don't have one lol .... X

  • But you said you're thinking of moving nearer to your family ; is that somewhere more populated where you are at present.

    Just an idea Jakki, but have you ever considered joining and amateur dramatic society. It's a great way to meet people of all both genders and all ages, and small theatres are always looking for extra helpers behind the scenes which can lead to acting parts for those interested.

    My aunt was 60 when she joined and quickly landed leading acting roles. She was spotted by a producer of a London theatre company and invited to join, but declined as she had found her niche, and also a whole new circle of friends. She continued 'til she was 75 !!

    xxx :-/

  • I don't have a social life as such. I go to a club once a week. And that is if. There is nothing in the town that l live in. Once l move to a bigger town. There are more places l can go to. X

  • Hi CJ

    Good luck with your move, new beginnings.

    Find out if there is a U3A, University of the third age, in the area you are moving to.

    They have choices of lots of groups you can attend from photography, dancing, Pilates, choir, family tree etc etc, hopefully there would be something you'd like. It's a great way to meet people.

    I belong to one and have made friends by doing so.

    When are you moving?

    Exciting times ahead x

  • I've been married for 38 years. Says she still loves me ---- separate beds, separate bedroom and no interest in 'ladies and gentleman.'

    Never felt so lonely as I do now, going home to my single bed and having celibacy forced upon me [and for the last 22 years].

    I'm looking for a bit on the side but at 65 I have a horrible feeling its never going to happen.

    No wonder I'm such a miserable and depressed b'stard :(

    The wife can't even work out why I don't take her anywhere and won't go on holiday with her.

    Have to run some countermeasures in answer to the misery foisted upon me.

  • Hi brainedat17,

    A little bit off thread but still sad.

    My wife (33 yrs) and I had a very bad patch about 5 years ago and I thought it was all over, similar scenario, seperate beds etc. We went for councelling and what a difference.

    The third party input, non judgmental and totally unbiased, helped us immensly giving us both a proper insight into what each of us actually wanted from our relationship, what the real cause of the problems were and a better understanding of each others feelings. They also gave us strategies to cope with the issues raised.

    Just as well really given that just over 2 yrs later me being diagnosed with a brain tumour and epilepsy knocked me flat. Because of the help we'd recieved and the work we'd done in putting our relationship back on track we have been able to cope much better with this 'new life and the new me' created by my condition.

    As for the bit on the side, that's your choice, but, in my opinion, would bring all your issues to a head and totally destroy any hope of compromise.

    I have to say that I have a strict view on that side of relationships. If you're not happy get out of the relationship first THEN look for a replacement and DON'T use your current partner as a safety net because that net will not be as safe as you think and cause massive pain to all.

    Maybe try taking her places and on holidays, it would give you time together away from the day to day grind and just maybe things will improve.

    As for the 'grumpy old git' part that will come from living in a constant stressful environment.

    Hope this ramble is of some help and I wish you well for the future.

    Sporan

  • I agree wholeheartedly with Geoff's comments. When your relationship has descended into this level of separateness, one of you has to break that loveless circle of misery.

    Your wife blames you for not being who she wants you to be and you blame her, so until one of you brings the situation to a head, either with counselling or a positive effort from one of you, you will remain unhappy, albeit safe, with one another.

    But a positive, considerate gesture from you could make her warm towards you. Women tend to carry around a great deal of resentment from being taken for granted but can be wooed back by grand, genuine gestures.

    I know the tit-for-tat blame game can go on for a lifetime, and it's only by one party acting as the 'bigger person' that the impasse can be broken to show, once and for all, whether a reconciliation is an option.

    Sorry you've been lonely for so long ; it's such a waste of life isn't it.

    Cat x

  • Thanks - there's an answer further on .......

  • Have you ever broached the subject of why she prefers a separate bed?

    I have to admit there are times when I have slept on the sofa in reaction to my partner's nightime restlessness-it really is like he is running a marathon some nights and I am kicked /disturbed repeatedly to the desperate point of fleeing the bed ! He is sound asleep and utterly unaware of his involuntary movements so no use waking him over it.This only began after he had his stroke.The safest place to sleep is behind him,wall side but aukward if I need the loo !

    There are many reasons why we lose our libido.Often it is a natural physical decline with age.If this is the case then sleeping elsewhere could be an avoiding behaviour to prevent her having to reject your advances and thus hurt your feelings.There may be mechanical reasons for why she does not want intimacy.She may even have assumed that you no longer have these needs.

    I think that spending time with your wife is a positive and might bring you both closer.You may feel more able to gently discuss your differences and who knows,maybe the closeness will naturally blossom into something more intimate : )

  • Hello Sporan and Angelite,

    Sorry for the delay in answering; thanks to my arthritic hip sitting in one place is a little difficult on occasion. It's quietening down now, thankfully.

    We've already seen a marriage counsellor from Relate. Total waste of time. The woman was verbally aggressive, had a better than thou attitude and brandished the clipboard as though she was a shield serial at a riot. Stuck four sessions of that, even my missus remarked about the attitude shown towards us ..... 'So, what can I do for you two?' isn't the way to start an invasive partnership with strangers. No credibility.

    My wife runs the house well; I take care of finances and she does everything else. I come home to a meal every night and a clean house. I do my own washing and ironing.

    For me, I dress sensibly, I am clean and I care for myself [hair, nails, shiny shoes, pressed trousers etc] and I am respectful.

    I am grumpy because I am depressed. The depression is bought on by my realisation my wife has no interest in me sexually. This has been going on for twenty two years more or less, since we were 43. When our eldest daughter started at University I was moved to her bedroom on the pretext of 'snoring.' When I used to be feeling a little fruity I'd approach my wife only to be told to go away for a variety of reasons; back ache, headache anything and everything.

    The reason was the menopause as well as high blood pressure and the prescribed medication 'Atenolol.' That is known to have a negative effect on libido and the GP did remark on that, but of course it's all too late. So yes, there were other reasons.

    As for my wife assuming I no longer have these needs she knows full well that I do; I have approached her time and time again and the latest reply [last Sunday] was, 'You know I can't ......' If I try to initiate things with a kiss and cuddle and all the rest of it she shrinks away from me.

    Clearly I'm wasting my time but the knife in the back occurred with, 'Are you having an affair?' I was even honest in my reply, 'Not yet.....' I dearly wanted to say 'Why should you care about what I do?' but I bit my lip.

    I've wasted enough time with my wife - I now do stuff for myself.

    Selfish? Of course and I no longer care, but at least I'm at home and not down the pub when I do what I do.

    She sits in the living room and watches niche programmes on the Indian TV Channel Rishtey [means 'relationships'] that make Eastenders and Coronation Street look interesting and entertaining. One programme 'Na Aana Is Des Laado' [no idea what that means and I can't be bothered to ask my wife] features a dominant woman and all the tricky goings on in her near and extended family. For me the only interesting feature is the younger ladies wearing Sarees, very pretty and feminine. I ask my wife to wear a Sari for me but she won't. She later asks me to buy her a new one for a wedding she goes to overseas and I've seen her wearing it only in a photograph. I ask her to put it on and it's always 'I'll do it later.' Later never comes and now I don't ask or even show any interest in what she does because it's always 'later.'

    You might damn me for considering an affair; my father left when I was 13, that's 52 years ago. I still have the unwanted returning memory of him stepping over my mother, who was laying on the ground crying, so he could get out of the front door with his possessions. Inconveniently, it's in full technicolour; Mum was wearing a powder blue dress, low fawn heels and a Siamese silver bangle on her right wrist. The dress was secured with a fine and unpatterened fawn belt, her hair was coiffured and she wore Chanel No5. That was the effect on me - when this image comes unwanted it reduces me to tears [even at 65 years of age].

    My father's going also ruined my wish to ever make anything of myself and its fair to say that over the years I've adequately qualified for membership of the NAAFI and the POPO clubs. [No Ambition And F..k all Interest and Pissed Off and Passed Over].

    I have not treated this matter lightly; my children are all married and working now. Any effect on them should be minimal. When they say to me 'Why don't you take Mum out?' my answer is 'Ask Mum.' As they don't come back I suspect they get a satisfactory reply. I do attend family oriented events though.

    But, I am secretive and keep events in my private life separate from my married life; complete with second mobile phone and email addresses. Underhand? I don't think so - it's PERSEC being practised correctly.

    I do have some rules though. For instance a Thai lady [she's 58] is in the same boat as I am, her husband isn't interested in bedroom Olympics either. We have met for lunch on occasion, we've even exchanged small gifts, but it can go no further as she is a married lady. When I see her I feel like a new man and I am briefly happy; I would not attempt to take it further. She dresses nicely and good fun to be with. Her limited English and my non-existant Thai make for an interesting time.

    I met another lady who showed an interest and when I stated up front I was married she was astonished that my lot is as it is. It seems from her point of view my wife should be making an effort to please.

    I'm not sure if Cat3's reply agreeing with Geoff is aimed at me. If it is 'being the bigger man' doesn't interest me. I don't take my wife for granted and I'm grateful for what she does.

    However, I have the dead end of a live wire and I'm trying to make the best of that miserable fact after, in my opinion, I have tried to make things work.

    I never understood why my father left for another woman; but I do now - he wasn't mug enough to suffer 22 years of this misery, he got his joy elsewhere that sadly resulted in a half-brother and a broken family for me.

    So, Sporan and Angelite, that is all I have to say about this rotten situation. I don't know if I'm screwed up or not but my situation needs some relief and its not going to come from my wife, if at all.

  • I was going through my 2nd divorce at the time of my TBI, and now I am used to being on my own. I never thought I would say that that is what I want, but now I don't want a partner. I am pretty sure it's because of my TBI, but who knows?

    The mere thought of having someone share my space, gives me the creeps. I have lots of friends from Headway that are guys, so I am quite happy with that!

  • Good to hear everyone's comments. And how we find out what each of us want. And also how it changes your life. All!l can say is to us. What will be will be x

  • Joining this post a little late - but just thought I would say that I guess we often want the opposite to what we have ...... and I know how much BI can change us emotionally.

    My ""partner" of many years kissed me goodbye at A&E the day of my first seizure in October - never to be seen again and could only text me nasty things in the first week when I asked ( maybe kept asking ? I was in too much pain/drugged up/confused/terrified to know/care) . No idea why ....

    But I try to remember what some people have said here ( and elsewhere) about how he perhaps couldn't cope with my illness ( could've just said though) and that perhaps better off without him, I'm pretty sure I couldn't have coped with "helping " him deal with my injury as well as myself, so maybe it was " for the best" .......

    I have very good friends and am pretty well supported - just that the gap he left - with some bitterness - need not have been there. Not sure I have / will have the energy/trust to give to another relationship - but try not to worry too much about that side of things for now.

    Have a good day everyone :-)

  • Hi moo sorry to have read your story. L can't understand why a person would do that. But if they have to walk away then you are better off without. I just want the hug to make me feel safe more than anything. Life throws us some real curve balls for sure. Take care. And l am sure we will find what we are looking for one day. X

  • I agree,hugs are nice-intimacy isn't everything.We rarely interact in the physical way ,he for reasons of high blood pressure meds after stroke ( puts a real damper on things! ) and I simply because it does not occur to me much these days.So we are well matched in this respect and totally comfortable with this.Still share a bed,watch films at night (he can never stay awake til the end,bless him ! )and best of all he makes a wicked hot chocolate : ))

  • Oh Moo,that is really tough. I'm so sorry that he did not feel able to support you at a time when you needed him the most .He obviously wasn't the right person for you.With time,hindsight and further recovery you will be better placed to review your position and decide whether or not you might like to share your life again . x

  • Sometimes, a bit like a pot bound plant, it is a really good thing when the pot around us gets smashed open. Just make sure CJjaks that your new 'pot' is a bit bigger, filled with top quality compost, that you give your roots a bit of a tease and squeeze before you 'plant' yourself in the new spot and I am sure you will respond with lots of new buds and shoots! It is great you will have your family close by to help you firm the compost in too.

    It is hard when an old pot is shattered, especially when we liked its design...but it often presents an opportunity.

  • I can't wait till l move to my new place. And start all over again. X

  • I know what you mean by the potted plant. Think l am a bit tat way... The old pot that is lol x

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