Blank moods

[paxo05]

This may seem a strange question but after living with a ABI for nearly 16 years I still get frustrated at different symptoms I keep getting. Well here goes .....although everyday things seem to have settled down and life seems good I just dont feel relieved or excited at upcoming events , no matter how good they are. I know its not depression ( boy do I know what thats like) . But I just feel blank, I managed christmas and the new year without feeling happy or even sad about events. Is it because I have finally got to grips with all my other problems that I now notice this ? It seems a trivial thing but it just feels strange, any insight or explanation that anyone has on this would be greatly welcome.

[Savage12345]

Frontal Lobe injuries affect the ability too feel excitment

[paxo05 in reply to Savage12345]

Hi savage, Yeah was one of the free gifts given to me when I had my accident. Just seems strange that I really seem to have noticed this lack of mood the last few months, but could be that I'm still working my way through dealing with other issues and am only now noticing something that I have been suffering from for years. Just seems strange not feeling anything as I usually swing between major highs thendeep lows.was wondering if anybody else had boughts of this or do they just seem enotionless. Like I said I think this is something that may come in phases, would be grateful of any input.

[cat3]

It's odd but although I'm often 'beside myself' with hysteria over something totally random/obscure, I can also identify with the lack of excitement over normal social events & expectations.

I'm dreading mother's day as it requires a whole day of smiling, followed by my birthday a few days later which requires me to be visibly having FUN.

And yes, it's a result of frontal-lobe damage that some of us can't get enjoyment from stuff that excited us pre-BI.

I've always had a taste for the absurd though (Monty Python etc) and it's often the absurdity of the BI & its after-effects which strikes me as ridiculous/hilarious in a Spike Milligan sort of way.

[alamagoosa]

I have hit my head so many times. All but one in the back. But when the back hit a car windshield and knocked me out could my brain have bounced to the front? How hard do you have to get hit to have a TBI? My dad broke a hibachi grill on my forehead and knocked me out. Wonder if it damaged my prefrontal lobes? Any advice??

[SarahAllwood in reply to alamagoosa]

If you're at all concerned about symptoms you should seek a professional opinion;/ GP usually first point of call. Hope this helps

[paxo05 in reply to SarahAllwood]

I know sarah. Just didnt want him to jump on depression because it seemed diffetent to that. It was just me beinh the last to notice something everyone around me has known for years. Feel a bit daft now to be honest. But grateful to all that responded, it did make me stop panicing, thanks

[Alice5]

Hi

My son had a subarachnoid haemorrhage almost 4 years ago and he says exactly the same thing as you that he has no emotions now. I think he feels that can be a good and bad thing.

it is so interesting that when I read the posts on here I can identify so much with what BI sufferers are saying. I find that a real comfort and that helps.

Sorry, I can only identify with what you are saying but can't offer any advice.

Take care x

[Niki25]

My daughter has many a time said if I could cry I would... She recently had her contract terminated as a paramedic as is not well enough to return to work in any capacity at the moment. She worked so hard to get the job and loved it. I was the one in floods of tears at the meeting as felt her loss so much. She does seem to see humour in things though and often catch her and her brother sharing a smile when they are watching something on TV they both "get" or bantering between themselves so at least I suppose that is good that she show that emotion.

K

[paxo05]

Thanks everyone it does help. It was just that it seemed a new condition to me and was worried something else was happening to me. Having the acvident 16 years ago I felt it strange that it had only recently started. Asked few frornds I have left ( a lot dropped me after accdent) and they thought it strange I had only kusy noticed this. Apparentley I have been like this since the accident. Shows how on the ball I am. The answer seemd right because I know I suffered frontal lobe damage. Do I feel a wally. Ah well we libe and learn . I know it is only mood related because I do have a sense of humor, all be it a strange one. Once again thanks everyone its nice to recieve help and advice on here instead of giveing it. Heres to the next discovery.

[Johnny-One]

Thanks for the post I have really enjoyed reading … I just thought it was human nature, but had noticed others genuinely do seem to enjoy situations so put it down to high IQ, social ineptness or just being a dull, tactless Sagittarian.

I really do not get emotional about most situations, Christmas, Birthdays, Holidays, etc. I neither enjoy nor dislike the situations. For example I am going over the other side of the country for a family gathering and I am looking forward more to being alone on the train than the family gathering itself. There are individual people I enjoy seeing, but I do not mind if I do not see them, I can remember what they look like.

I have never cried, other than at certain situations in movies or TV shows. Even then tears don’t fall, my eyes just well up. Also I laugh at the strangest situations, some of which have got some awkward glances.

I enjoy certain activities but don’t get over enthusiastic about anything. The only emotion I do feel regularly is frustration such as when things don’t go how I want, I cannot remember something, or people annoy me; and then frustration sets in because I got upset over something so trivial. That feeling makes me physically ache.

Thank you for the post, but sorry I cannot help. I have had many bangs to my head, some of which have been quite serious.

[paxo05]

Thankd johnny one . Its nice to b normal , well or sort of normal anyway. Same here with enjoying journeys rather than destinations. After my accident I found I couldnt cry. Then my eldest daughter got married .I took one look at her and suddenly had a very strange feeling. Although I am always proud of her, that moment I became really overcome with a huge wave of pride and spent about 10 mins sobbing ( bit embarressing)) but hey shes my daughtet).since then find I suddenly go over the top at sad emotional films. Makes goin to the cinema an exciting experience. As for the strange sense of humour my excuse is it saves me going mad....works for me. Once again thanks all

[Lydgate]

Hello, my lack of emotion is still very prominent for me and it's only 3 years since my ABI. I seem to be the opposite to those feel good films where a hard nosed lawyer has an accident and suddenly becomes caring and good natured. I was like that but can sometimes now be tactless, unemotional and too blunt with the people I love.

My dad died a year after my accident and I wasn't upset even though we were very close. Maybe that would change now, 2 years further on.

It's difficult to deal with but reading others have the same issues helps me to understand.

[paxo05]

Lydgate. It is nice to know you are not alone. I do care but just dont seem to show it. Like you I lost my father a year after my accident. I was already finding things difficult to cope with and this tipped me over the edge. It left me in a deep depression, which masked a lot of my other problems glad to say that after all these years I am slowly tackling my condition. Problem is I only seem to be able to focus on one problem at a time and seem to think the next problem is a new condition I am suffering from, whem all along I have suffered from it. I know recovery is a long road but I plan on havinga long life in which to tackle it.

[Hidden in reply to paxo05]

Paxo, you wrote:

Problem is I only seem to be able to focus on one problem at a time and seem to think the next problem is a new condition I am suffering from, whem all along I have suffered from it.

You write SO WELL how I feel, thanks! I'm so scrambled at mo and can't seem (often) to be able to explain all this stuff properly but yes (getting muddled now, this is what happens) each and every problem/job must try do = makes me realise bit more my difficulties and where they lie. But STILL trying learn this and forget, or think CAN do and can (maybe) on a GOOD day but then more tasks loaded on and fall to bits = too much and end up not doing any or properly.

SO hard to explain but how you wrote it does a bit. VERY big subject coz each job/bit of life different level of difficulty. Too big for me to try do!

[paxo05 in reply to Hidden]

Same here muddled. Have ginally learnt that I can do what I can do on that day and tommorrow may be different. Hope that makes sense. Although this seems a great phylosothy it doesnt stop me being annoyed/upset/angry when I find I am unable to do something I feel I should only to find out I cant. I have tried various outlooks on life over the years...life cant get worse= then it does was one of the worse. Now I just think tommorrow may be different= it may be worse but it may be better..and whatever I do tommorrow will still happen and I'll deal with it then. I hope this explains what I think is a decent outlook on life. I would like to add that I have great support from my wife and three grown up ( when did this happen) and a couple of friends as well as P.A. 's. All I can say to any other B.I. survivour is accept the changes ( I still find this hard, but I try) and concentrate on being the best you can one day at a time.

[Hidden]

Paxo: 'concentrate on being the best you can one day at a time' = very good advice, wise words.

Trouble is the rest of them (people/life/admin/systems) expect more from me than I can do and I (like a dumbo) try to do it (and get broken, low and exhausted) = must, coz nobody else to do it for me or help.

What's the answer when can't do and nobody helping please?

I drop it all when too much but then threats from bailiffs so can't drop it and coz need be part of it all and included, I think. And no income/benefits and even if dropped all this (and try use the little energy I got for work) could NEVER earn enough to support myself = VERY scary, savings going fast, terrifying.

I accepted the changes AT START and just tried to get on with adapting/re-learning, proud of how hard I worked/still do.

So not ME felt wasn't good enough, the DEMANDS on me make me feel that coz too hard for me and they KNOW it = cruel.

I HATE having to not talk/listen too much, LOVE being with people/chat = the saddest of all I think. Exhausted today (even with hour and half sleep) after talk/listen and bit papers and wiped a floor.

But PROUD: did it right,got food ready this morning before did anything. STILL forget sometimes but better than was - usually. But that's NOTHING to 'normal' people. Just wish could use the little time/energy got for FUN stuff. Not allowed to choose though = that hurts.

[paxo05 in reply to Hidden]

Muddled. I know I am lucky that I have support from s few but VRRY impottant people. People ( old friends) didnt realise that just getting through a quiet day is exhausting. Add appointments or meetings and its challenge to make it through the day. I have tried voluntary work ( with a plan to return to work) but the problems with memory and fatigue have caused even this to end ( for now). This puts added pressire on my wife to be the msin wage earner, yet she foes this as well as supporting me ( dont worry I know I am VERY VERY lucky). What the answer is without support I dont know, have u contacted headway and expressed your concerns . Has to telling people what you would like to be able to do rather than what uou can avtually do I was very giulty of this. Only when I ended up failing big time did I start to come clean aboit my limitations. I think I just didnt want to believe how much I couldnt do and felt a failure.I hope you get some help soon.

[Hidden]

Thanks Paxo. Yes, with NO help/support I've been learning LOADS about my difficulties, shocking and real eye-openers. When you get/have help and don't need to try do loads = don't see or know where the problems lie. Tough journey though - and EXHAUSTING.

Looking back at CV I tried do 3 or 4 years ago = I wasn't aware of how I am, thought I was still pretty much how I was = coz not been forced to see my limitations. Saw them when tried to foster (course) but sort of forgot. Hard to explain.

And much earlier on after my ABI I applied for a job, thought I could still do it. Wrote PTSD only (I think) at that time because was trying to believe the GP and what he put on sick notes but I tried to argue/ask Qs but he snapped 'THAT IS WHAT IT IS' then later: 'I have to put SOMETHING.' All awful and VERY odd.

Worried coz got appt. Jobcentre, I applied for help to get job = coz MUST earn, no benefits and savings going FAST. Some days think could do something then bad days know I couldn't, THINK I couldn't so am STILL very muddled: could I or not? NO IDEA but massive exhaustion at mo and afraid to commit to anything coz HATE letting people down.Push myself to do things (like go into BIG town) then pay after by extreme tiredness/cry = very low and sometimes suicidal.

But they say need med cert, not got one. Don't know whether to go or not. Kept hoping in UK get help via them but never got any. And in years past = Jobcentre NEVER helped find work, ever, I always found it.

So: VERY confused and had BIG trouble trying do CV for now, SO hard coz I vary so much and get exhausted trying to think how exactly to KNOW what competences I've got now. Know I do have some but BIG trouble trying to write/say. ???

[Hidden]

For me it's a blessing, I describe myself as mostly blunt. Before the accident I was a raging ball of fury and depression, now I'm level all the time, it's wierd but kind of a bonus once I got used to it. I don't miss that old part of me. I also no longer suffer headaches that plagued my life before the accident. Every cloud has its lining. Of course the epilepsy, spasticity, memory loss and odd behavioural problems are a bit wearing, but what the heck. Its ironic that because I was hit by a car that was insured my life is actually easier and financially more secure despite my problems. I read about people's problems on these pages and realise how lucky I am compared, but I do think you have to roll with the changes and look for the positives in our problems