Lost

[Ollymitchard1985]

I'm just starting my PTSD therapy witch is good but intense I'm feeling sooooo lost and angry at my feeling of this frustrated person who is sooo up n down n just feel sooo disconnected n not liking or knowing who this person is hlp plz x

[iforget]

Sometimes staring therapy can make things seem even more intense because you are starting to shine a light on them in order to bring them out of the shadows to where you can face them and deal with them...and this can make it difficult, especially outside of and in between therapy sessions. It does get easier as therapy progresses but in the early days can be a bit of a shock.

Do you have specific questions about how others have coped with certain issues/situations...it might be easier for others to help if you are able to give a little more than a general "hlp plz"

Hang in there... it will get better

[Hidden]

Hi Olly

I really feel for you. It is very difficult to accept that we are not the people we used to be. iforget's words are very wise, gets worse before it gets better etc.

I am actually struggling immensely with self hatred which spills out into anger towards others, my way of dealing with it is to withdraw, to protect others, but I'm not sure this is good advice as you end up feeling even more alone.

I am scared of what I have become. I don't even realise what I am thinking until I say it out loud, my mouth seems to bypass my brain. So I have started trying to pause before I answer a question to give my brain a chance to catch up with my mouth and filter out anything that should remain a dark thought and not be verbalised!

Hang in there Olly

[iforget in reply to Hidden]

hedgehog I have a broken filter too and I have resorted to my sweetest smile and an "oops did I say that out loud" or even a quick spin round to see who said such a thing... doesn't work all the time and probably works better for females than men, but I try...and the idea of taking a pause to allow brain and mouth to slip into the same gear is a great one...good luck with that.

My"give a damn" is broken too and that causes interesting times too

[Hidden in reply to iforget]

Lol my 'don't give a s@@t' is broken well actually it is delayed in it's response, usually when I am laying in bed unable to sleep as I analyse the days events it kicks in with full force of shame behind it.

I just hate it when I see people staring wide mouthed and I'm desperately trying to recall what I have said that would have been so shocking.

At work recently someone said 'you are so different, think we will have to give you a new name'. I laughed it off and said 'yeah I'm a total cow now'. But I wasn't laughing on the inside, that was when I vowed not to speak until I had thought things through. Now I have developed a stutter so I don't say much at all!!

How long is it since your bi iforget?

[iforget in reply to Hidden]

Hi Hedgehog... erm...it was August 2006 so that would be 8 years.

I am grateful that I have zero memory of my disastrous spectacular failure of an attempt at a return to work... By all accounts it was a real doozy...

I have no recall -my short term memory is totally shot - and I have learned that trying to figure out what I did wrong each day just results in misery all round...so I start each day with the honest intention to be the best I can be...and hope and pray that I do most of it right.

I appreciate that it is a lot harder for those around me because if I do say or do something horrible I will feel bad in the moment (assuming I am aware in that moment that I did/said something bad) and then I will promptly forget. If they then can't let it go then it will make them miserable...but it won't really affect me at all and when I see or speak to them again I will effectively act like it didn't happen...because for me once it is over it is gone...

I don't want my brain injury to ever be an excuse to behave badly and although I joke about it and use humour a lot, my nearest and dearest know that they are to call me out if I am being a bitch... Even that is not easy for them because by the time someone has told me I was out of line I have forgotten what I said...but I trust these people (they are 'my people') when they tell me and I will always apologise and mean it... but then as soon as that is done I have forgotten the whole thing again...

and so it goes...

[Hidden in reply to iforget]

Oh iforgot that is so sad and so hard. I can honestly say you always come across as polite and supportive on here, but then I guess there is a delay in writing which gives the filter a chance to kick in.

I don't know how you have coped like this for 8 years, it's not even 6 months for me and I am at the end of my tether.

I have gone back to work 3 hours, 4 days a week and I am an exhausted, frustrated wreck, pounding head and eye, and ringing in the ears 24/7 - these symptoms had improved so I'm pretty sure it's the stress that has brought them back up so badly. I have come to the conclusion that I have to give up my current job, I just can't deal with the pressure, noise, busyness and multi tasking. I am gutted and sooo angry.

I feel like I am not really living in the world with everyone else, I'm some revolting little alien that watches on, while the 'normal' people live and interact because they know what is ok to say and do, they know when to keep their mouths shut or even the right expression on their face. I can't even smile without looking like some manic weirdo, I literally see people backing away from me, so now I try to keep my teeth covered as I smile so it doesn't look so weird. I feel like I'm playing a board game but I don't have the rules like everyone else!

Sorry I am really struggling at the moment, well have been for months really - that's why I withdrew from the forum last time! Thanks for your support, hats off to you iforget

[iforget in reply to Hidden]

Dear Hedgehog...The early days are usually the hardest and I really truly do empathise.

For me the first twelve months I was a wreck...I had no idea what the heck had happened...things all looked familiar but the people around me all spoke a strange and unfamiliar language and acted by a set of secret rules that they all understood and I did not. I truly thought I had gone stark raving mad and I was terrified that at any minute everyone would find out...

It does get better than this....I promise. That horrible feeling out of syc with the world thing for me eventually became an uneasy "disconnected but not sure why" feeling ...that over time has become far more manageable as the new me has found her place in the world. It may not the life I planned for myself, but while its not always easy, it certainly is interesting and six months in I would never have been able to consider my life could ever be this good again.

It is so difficult to have to make big decisions about things like work when we are at our most fragile. Do you have someone you can talk to about this stuff?

[Hidden in reply to iforget]

Thank you fro your support iforget. I do have a very wise friend who I have been talking things through with. It was her that helped me to see I cannot continue like this as I am making myself ill with the pressure.

Like you say it is very hard to make big decisions, especially when you aren't firing on all 4 cylinders so to speak. I didn't want to leave my job then look back in a years time and regret it if I find by then I could do it. But as my friend pointed out I need to consider the now as well, I cannot continue making myself ill etc for the next who knows how long.

I find it so hard to accept things, you know I do the little self talk, 'plenty far worse off, count my blessings' etc but then this ball of utter fury burns inside wanting to burst out with screams of 'it's not fair'!

[Broken_Doll]

Hi olly.

Sorry hear you are struggling I have no words to say literally I can't think of them

But sending a virtual hug

Emma x

[aqua4]

Hi Olly, Agree with the others, I have these feelings too, no answer but hope things may change for you if you keep going.K

[daisymay70]

Hi Olly,being under psychotherapy is quite daunting at the beginning because you start to explore your inner world and is not an easy step.You`ll see then than something might change in your perception of the reality after being in more sessions, but if you feel not in tune with your therapist, you`ve to tell instead of keeping inside , better to say I don`t feel comfortable with this instead of suffering more.The therapist will understand that maybe something could be adjusted for your new situation and giving you the support you need.Take care and keep in touch on this site