My feelings that I want you all to know (thanks fo... - Headway


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My feelings that I want you all to know (thanks for the support)



The true Zoe is hidden

But also forbidden

Hidden by a mask

Chained down, taken to task

Before I was eight

Things were great

Many friends

Support that never ends

Life turned bad in year four

I stayed for the full tour

The old Zoe is lost

But to what cost

Many friends lost

Wow, what a cost

My temper flared

My compassion impared

My heart may be cloned

But this is a clone

My heart hides pain

I have to refrain

Memories of life

Well they're rife

Some are good

But hidden by a hood

The painful memories shine through

Decorated in blue

The pain of the names still present today

The effects hard to keep at bay

When I hit thirteen

I could find no difference between

The way I looked

And the words that still hooked

Beneath the stone

Of this unknown clone

Zoe still exists

But has no choice but to resist

Beside her the invisible blanket

And the empty casket

She's still there

But does not dare

To rise up, it's too hard

I fall like a tower of cards

All she wants is for you to be aware she's there

And to know you care

15 Replies

Bloody hell, what a talented lady you are. I wish so much that you could see the positivity inside you, the creativity just aching to get out. Instead, through no fault of your own, all of your energies are focused on the dark side of you, the one haunted by your own self loathing, you own volatility. Yet in one post, I think I can speak for most of the users on this site when I say, that is the REAL you, the beautiful, talented, yet emotionally crippled lady who can achieve so much if only she could see it.

Look within, for there, hidden away is the reason to fight, not the ones who care, but battle yourself and come out the other side, with a fresh heart.

I rambled on a bit there, sorry. But now to put in language that I understand and usually converse in... It's time for you to sh1t or get off the pot. You can go as far as you want in this life, your one and only chance. Make it count


Zoe2345 in reply to BaronC

That's my true feelings and I had to get it out my system. I hide it, I always have done, been bullied since I was 8 and it hit home at 13 that I was never going to be the one that was popular, and I'm alsways going to be one on my own, I got used to it and it's how I am now.

To tell you the truth I'm lonely, and I need help, the violence drove all my mates away apart from one, now she's left me and my family are scared of me.

I keep it to myself, I hide the pain, I write it down, I have poems from when I was 10 and that was when I was at my worst.

And I'm not that good at writing, it just flows when I'm low. Granted I got a B in English language, but that was a fluke,

BaronC in reply to Zoe2345

You appear to be very good indeed at writing. But you seem to ONLY see the negatives in your life when you have so many positive attributes. The past, however painful is called the past for a reason. It's been and gone, draw a line and start anew. You can be everything you want to be, just commit to it.

PM me if you ever want to vent again. I'm an anger sponge.

Zoe2345 in reply to Zoe2345

And I smoke so I'm not that intelligent

iforget in reply to Zoe2345

Everyone is allowed one stupid thing.... ;) You can always do something about that later when the other ducks are in a row...right now I would guess smoking is the least of your problems...

Creative writing is a well known and very effective therapy...stick with it.

Zoe2345 in reply to iforget

I've got so many mistakes it's hard to control it:

My temper

I smoke

I drink

I have sex

I can kill someone if I lose it, creative writing gets only a little bit out of a temper, the most is when I lash out

BaronC in reply to Zoe2345

I once smoked, I once drank, I've been married, so I once had sex :)

iforget in reply to Zoe2345

I am no angel and things are not perfect in my world but I have found ways to deal with my sh#t... it certainly wasn't quick or easy and it wasn't pretty but for the most part we manage it okay now ...

and you can find ways to manage too. It may mean switching focus a bit but it can be done...

and meantime writing is one outlet you know you can use.

Thanks, another long message, I hate them, I can't sit down and read them, no concentration, but the memories are too painful to think about.

Here's one and the only one I'm willing to think about, I was in year 7 and being bullied by this year 11, he pushed me into a corner of a wall, hard, and I got knocked out, then in year 8 the same thing happened, I got depressed and would not go out of my room, or let anyone in. Refused to go to school, until mum said she was moving me.

That's not the worst painful one it started at 8 so I have worse, I hate thinking about them.

Again, sorry for not reading it all, not concentration or patients, and there was big words in there

Zoe2345 in reply to Zoe2345

And thanks to the bullies I can't lay flat on my back, another wall insistent, don't know what it's done to my back but it was a hard push and kick so that's pretty much messed up everything, my body is basically a wreck

Zoe that is an incredibly moving and powerful piece of writing. You have a genuine talent that I can only look on with envy and awe!

We are all imperfect versions of who we wish we were; brain injury adds another dimension that makes perfection seem even further away and harder to grasp.

So, I say to you what I say to my beautiful Jake; you are an amazing survivor who takes my breath away every morning just by having the courage and strength to choose to get up out of bed and try again. You don't need to be perfect, you are loved and admired just the way you are.

With huge respect, Charlie x

Thanks but that took ages to write, kept seeing bugs in my room and then I heard more buzzing, I get distracted easily, telly was on and I want to be how I used to be, before I was eight and not as immature but similar to it, mental age of a 12 year old anyway, I don't think that's ever going to change, I can't focus and ye they recommended focus meds but I ain't takin em

Jake took drugs to help him concentrate for over a year, did him absolutely no harm and enabled him to focus on his rehab.

Give them a try, you can always stop taking them if you don't like how they make you feel.

Please don't fall into the trap of fighting / saying no to everything because it makes you feel in control; in the end you're just fighting / saying no to yourself.

C x

None of us are perfect, we all struggle with something. Sometimes it's hard to ask for help, sometimes it's harder to accept the help offered but the way of moving forward is by doing the sessions however difficult or pointless they seem.

I'm a mother, I have an explosive temper, it just goes pop. My brain goes into overdrive, my mouth is not able to keep up, so I can't express how I feel. I can't make sense of what others are saying. I am lucky, I lived on a farm so I just go out for a walk and try to calm down and go through what happened. Then I try to explain how I feel about it.

It's very difficult to do, but it works most times for me.

I have few friends, I have got my family.

It's probably more volatile in you because you're a teen.

I hope you manage to get help and complete the course.

You are worth it!

Beautiful Zoe,

I know not of your situation, however what I do know will help guide you to your goals and achievements.

Zoe you can be who ever you want to be. I feel I am not the same person I was before my brain injury but I somehow feel I am blessed to have been reborn and now I/we can be what ever we want to be....

Brain injury aside...

No one is the same person they were yesterday. Our life experiences are what makes us who we are today.

Take Care and keep writing :-)

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