Hello everyone,
To start by saying, I want to thank you all and continue to support each and every person. No matter what is going on.
I also ask, things in this post may cause emotional feelings, if this happens, please allow yourself to not finish in one moment or in general. I will say now, In less than 24 hours, I was able to fill a void that was slowly making me hollow inside.
I also ask, please do not tell me I am not a Dad. Espeically if you believe that a miscarriage is something that a person needs to "get over" or "It's life", I am at the point in my life, if you tell me those things and nothing else, I will tell you personally to kick rocks, no matter how I know you or anything. I will tell you, go talk to a therapist, find help. For what I am about to say, I hope it leaves impact.
I will say one last thing before I continue. I am sharing this story to help others, while also help myself process. I am not begging for sympathy, but if you feel like, I would really love positive words.
A year and a half ago, my former partner was pregnant. Being 25 at the time, unlike most 25 year old guys... I was so ready to be a Dad. We learned the gender, my first child was going to be a baby girl. I was ecstatic. Ellated. So happy! I was designing a crib I would custom make. Having things on there that her mother liked and I liked. My grandfather made us little toys when we were born. I was coming up with ideas of what little toys I could make my little one. Making a playlist of music, being a metalhead, I wanted to find a mix of so much music, that one day I could turn on a song... And just like some of those really cute videos where the 2 year old really gets into it and is rocking out with their parent. I was so ready, I cannot put into words how pumped I was. Truly even from this, I hope you can see and feel the absolute love I have. Her name is Iris Melody. Iris for the saying "Apple of my eye." And Melody, because her Mom and I absolutely love music. Yes, my former partner and I are not together anymore. But the amount of music we loved. We thought the perfect name, Iris Melody would be spectacular. Her due date was 12/15/2021. I promise you all, I was counting minutes down.
Well, one rather late summer day. My former partner wasn't feeling well, she wouldn't tell me why. One blood curdling scream later, I rushed in the bathroom. Then, at that moment.... My mind shut all emotion down. Why did I do this? Because of the past trauma. I am just now learning how to process such extreme amounts of emotion. Why is this important? In short, my former partner had a miscarriage. Nobody dd anything wrong, she was following her Dr's orders. I was doing everything I can to make sure the pregnancy was smoothe, as pain free and mentally and physically possible.
Over a year and a half later... Yesterday, I was blessed with the memory of that day. My mind immediatly tried to convince me, for over 30 minutes... Why it was "Good" my Daughter died. For the first time in my life, I got in front of a mirror. I told the logic side of my brain.. "To shut the ever living fuck up. There is not a single reason I will ever be convinced that the death of my daughter, that I didn't even have to privllage to look her at least 1 time in the eyes, and tell her I love her. Tell her how beautiful she is. She wouldn't even know, that even before she was born, her little tiny hand was wrapped around my finger. "
From there, I allowed myself, to begin the process of taking on this emtion. In my life, I went through abuse, physical and mental. Nearly had a parent die to cancer. Neglect from Doctors that eventually turned into kidney failure and the removal of my kidney. All of these things, I am able to logically breakdown and understand. Forgive, not forget, but forgive. Iris, there is no forgivness there. That is pure emotion. Love that stretches farther than anything I have been able to feel or see. I tried to mentally bury her. Yesterday, I prayed and prayed while going through some of the hardest emotions and tears that I have ever felt... Begging her to forgive me. Tell her I love her so much. Love her more than I can put into words. I calm hand from my god... Telling me she forgave me so long ago. Not because I did her harm, but she was able to see how much I love her. How much it hurts to not be able to even once, look her in the eye and tell her how much I love her. Would do anything in the world, to get that 1 moment.
What happened there that caused my KMT2B gene to mutate. Extreme amount of stress. Trying to bury the emotions of your child that didn't survive... I hate to say it... I tried to bury the emotions. I was so scared. I will tell you now, I am so glad to be on disability because it allows me to cry and react at any time. Without any fear of judgement. Which, like I said before, if anybody even remotely tells me.. No matter how close they are. Family, best friend, work colleagues, anybody. I will remove them from my life instantly. Why? I am no longer going to be told to "get over it." "We all go through it, shut the fuck up." I will never be told that again.
Now, being where I am.... I am beyond proud of Iris. Why? Because no matter how big, small, or where she is... She taught me some of the most important lessons. She blessed me with the ability to feel human, for the first time in my life. Helped me grow as a person... As a man... She being the only thing in my long and hard life.... That crippled me to my knees... That is how much love and care I have for her. To activate such a gene... That truly takes stress far beyond what I could even explain. Iris, allowed me to learn more about me. Give me hope. Fill the void in my chest, immediatly. Be able to smile, laugh, love, process any and all emotions. Gave me more strength than I could ever imagine.
With all this said, because of this process, I am not in as much pain. I can stand up a little bit taller. It not be as much of a struggle move. Yes, my Dystonia is so bad. I mutated a gene that caused my dystonia. I will tell you all, these past 24 hours.... Have been so eye opening for me. Growth far beyond I ever imagined.
Thank you, all of you, who made it this far. If anybody asks if they can pray for me... I will say, don't pray for me. Pray for Iris. Tell her that her Dad, will never push her to the side again. Tell her I love her so much, that I am quite literally telling people online about how much I love her and wish I could tell her one time, looking into her eyes. How much I love her. She has brought me to much love, feelings, wisdom, and care... Beyond what I can even say in words.
Allow yourself to feel things. If a bad memory comes up, please don't hurt yourself. Please I beg you, do not. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to mourn. Do anything you need to do. I promise, the year and a half I have been through, I would take these emotions and this processing over anything I have been through.
With that, thank you all. Truly. I hope this is able to give hope to people. Inspire people. And for anybody who has or is going through on gone through, the same thing. Please know, I am here to help and support everybody and those that are greiving the loss of a child, I will gladly be there. I promise.
Best,
Matt
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Amallia... Please come to the principal's office!
Hoping to find support
