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Depression is not my issue. FND is. Anxiety is not my issue. FND is.
I cannot nor do I want to be this way. It is existing not living. I want to do things. I want to see things. I want to work. I want to be free of this crap for lack of a better word.
I have a sense of humour through it all. We all have our time on this earth and mine as I knew it is done.
I have never tried to kill myself nor will I. MAiD is my route. It is time. It sucks but it’s better than what I have now. It’s not fair but what illness is?
Trying to manage a life with this is not realistic. I have tried. I want my kids to know I did my best. I have my self respect and dignity. No one can take those from me.
I hope they will find a cure. I know it will not be in my lifetime. And as I said earlier this is not life. It is existence. If I had any other illness that I just existed with I would do MAiD. So why would FND be any different.
I am not ashamed of my decision. In fact I am proud of myself for having the guts to do it the right way so I don’t lose my mind.
We all leave this world at some point. Why suffer when I no longer have to. Why are we so afraid to speak of death?
Love to all that are going through this. If you are thinking of killing yourself, don’t. There are options at least in my country to do it the right way so your family will understand.
Peace and love. F*ck FND.
Written by
DogPurple
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I have tried. Depression is not my problem. My brain is stuck in a pattern it just won’t come out of. Spent so much time and money on treatments. I know this is not my fault. It’s not my grown children’s fault either. We deserve better.
Dear DogPurple, please do not go down that route. I have clinical depression and hospitalised in mental facilities due to attempted s****de. I have one daughter and feel that everyone would be better off without my burdening them and just as you say, existing is not living but through a lot of therapy and praying, I can see how that decision would impact my family especially my daughter. What i now do is live to show her that no matter what life throws at us, we can face up to it and do our best. This has impacted her as unknown to me, she was suffering from not knowing what to do or how to cope. The change in her is so great. Even though I still struggle every single day, I just focus on what I can do and do the biggest thing out of love for my daughter and family which is live and be there for them. Just to be there for any small achievement or sadness or even to disagree/argue with you, or anything in our kids lives, is the greatest love and sacrifice we can make.So PLEASE rethink and pray or just watch your kids and see how lonely and empty their lives would be without you for you matter to them more than you know.
Thank you. I am not killing myself. I am doing this the right way. It will be sad yes. But at least my suffering will be over. I will have peace from this insane disorder. My kids are strong and understand. They will become stronger people themselves in the end.
It is still your life being taken in another way. I wish I could speak with you in person. My life as I knew it was over at the end of 2019. From being independent and the go to person, I now need assistance with everything, tea/coffee and food made for me, clothes washed etc, booking appointments, taken to them, being spoken for, getting showered, dressed, hair dried, brushed and so on. Fatigue, speechlessness, brain fog, tremors, seizures, collapsing, forgetfulness, sleeplessness, disturbed sleep, use walking aid, unable to drive, unable to walk for more than 10 to 12 steps without feeling fatigued, homebound, noise smell and light sensitivity, migraines, body pain, unable to hold any type of conversation for more than 3 to 4 mins without needing to shut off everything as my ears and head cant handle anymore, unable to watch anything on tv or whatever as it drains me, go without showering for 2 to 3 weeks as i dont have the energy to sit in shower. Getting looks and being told by doctors after all testing done that nothing wrong all in head. Being given advice by well meaning people as to what to do and how to get better. Seeing the patience being lost at me and more.. It sucks! FND SUCKS but what has changed in me is that I offer whatever Im going through to God as a sacrifice for the good of the world and I thank Him for choosing me as one of His warriors to be able to go through the pain, suffering, humility, scorn and whatever comes at me. The world is becoming increasingly a more evil place and I think we get chosen to carry and bear our cross to overcome evil, we just have to be willing to accept it. By no way do I want to tell you what to do or be someone who causes you any hurt or pain. I know that you might want to tell me to F off. I don't live day to day but moment to moment and yes, every single day I feel beaten and want to give up and give in, its the worst feeling of just existing. Please be a warrior with me and others like us, lets form a formidable army together? Would you join me? I feel that together we can strengthen each other. If you respond and I don't reply, its because I just need some battery recharge time. Longest reply and any sort of reply I have done since.. I actually can't remember. You are deserving of time and effort, just know that.With respect and love to you and your family.
MAiD is not suicide. Its a way for them to understand and be able to move on. They cant stand seeing me this way anymore. Suffering does more damage in the long run. If I could get better I would. And my kids know that. They are grown and of course still want their mom as we all do. FND is not a mental illness for me. Its all neurological.
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