Last attempt failure - it's all over

[Mercury363]

Well ladies after all of that my pgt tested embryos both came back as abnormal and we have nothing to transfer. This was the last roll of the dice for us and our last attempt at a sibling for my son. Its finally all over.

At this moment I have no words or great clarity. I just know I didn't feel done in my heart and that we will never be a foursome of a family is a strange thing to contemplate.

I do however have the most beautiful boy and will be forever grateful we went through this process to get him.

I'll keep checking in with you all. Good luck my lovelies 💓

[XOXO13]

So sorry to read this 💔

You’ve done so amazingly well. IVF is so tough and it’s not fair that it doesn’t guarantee a baby for everyone who has to experience it 💔

Sending you so much love as you move forward and on from IVF. Xx

[Millbanks]

Hi lovely,

We're at the same stage (probably a couple of months ahead of you) - we tried for a sibling but after 2 BFNs and an mmc we called it a day.

I I have to say that after the initial heartbreak and sadness, I'm starting to appreciate how lovely it is just the 3 of us. My little boy is my best buddy and he's at the age now where we can jump on a train together and have a fun day out and not having to tiptoe around a newborn schedule just gives us the freedom to enjoy that.

Not saying that in the future I won't miss the idea of having more kids / siblings, but right now this is lovely and I feel so lucky to have my little one.

I hope you feel this way too soon.

Sending love xxx

[Mercury363 in reply to Millbanks]

Thank you for this. Today is a hard day and I needed some inspiration for things to come. There are lots of positives and I am so grateful for my little boy and my lovely husband who understood in March at our last loss that I needed one last try to help me close this off. But it's a hard thing to do right now. I hope I get to where you are and can finally move on and feel content. The hole is huge at the moment x

[Millbanks in reply to Mercury363]

It's a very hard thing because, yes you are grateful for your little boy, but that doesn't take away the pain of not having a 2nd baby. It's a very double edged sword and in some ways I don't think I'll ever be able to reconcile the two.

I try and look at the bigger picture when I feel like that - and also think about those who still haven't been able to have their first - it does give me some perspective.

I think for me, I am really sad not to be pregnant again - it was the most special time for me and was when I was probably at my happiest (before my LB was born - although those first few months were incredibly tough). I feel so nostalgic about it but I also have to try and remember that I am thinking about it with rose coloured glasses!

My thought after this last mmc was to plan lots of fun stuff over the summer - really have lots to look forward to - this has helped a lot too. I know there is more fun to be had and nice to be able to do it with a glass of wine in my hand (silver linings)

xxx

[DianeArnold]

Hi. I do hope you have plenty of support just now. You’ve tried so hard for another little one, but you now know that those embryos would not have made it. Congratulate yourself and look forward to fun days with your boy. Sending much love. Diane

[Christianbaby]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending you lots of love and strength. Take care. x

[Millymolly28]

I’m so sorry 😔

You have given it your all and you have tried everything ❤️

I wish you strength & peace moving forward xx

[Vassi]

Hi, I'm so sorry for what you are feeling, I too am going through this and it's so rough right now. I am still believing and hoping for a miracle because I can't bear the thoughts of not having a sibling for my son. Yes we are so very blessed with our beatiful boy but it doesn't take away the pain and then there's the grief after suffering a loss, where in that brief moment in time I could see the future we dreamed of. You say in your heart you're not done, would a break be a possibility for you to help you clear your head? I hope you find some peace and clarity and wishing better days ahead for you xx

[Mercury363 in reply to Vassi]

Vassi thank you for your reply. I definitely don't feel done however we have spent a small fortune on ivf for the last four years. We travelled to Spain to do ours and quite simply after spending north of £50000, its not possible to keep going in this manner.I too am now in the hoping for a miracle however with my immuno issues I just don't think its possible but I will admit my brain is planning this in the back ground all the while saying I'm done.

I'm looking to source a counsellor so I can rectify this and actually say that I am done because this is a horrible place to be in. I know its nearly impossible and yet hoping for it so it has to be fixed!

I would love in my heart to say I am honestly finished but I don't think that I will ever stop dreaming of a sibling for him until I get older and past the point of no return for definite.

It's so hard to get heart and head in place and I don't think this will be an easy journey over the next few months.

How are you rectifying all of this?

[Vassi]

I really understand where you're coming from, sadly it's not easy. I have immune issues also, fortunately my son was conceived naturally so I didn't know this until trying for number two so when we started ivf I just thought it would happen for us since they could address those issues. Here I am 5 cycles and 10 transfers later so I totally understand the financial burden of it all. After my fourth cycle failed I was not in a good place and I thought I can't do this anymore, so we went on a small family holiday, enjoyed life a little and for a few months i literally didnt think about it and I can say I was the happiest I'd been for a while. The break did me a world of good.

But lately I couldn't shake the feeling that I wanted to try again. Unfortunately my 5th cycle which i just finished wasn't good and we ended up with no blasts. I know the odds are against us and we can't afford to keep going but stopping is giving me a lot of anxiety and I'm really not ok with it. Maybe I'm just not ready to stop heck we've invested so much already. Or maybe I can't accept that if I stop it is in fact, over.

My partner wants this just as much as I do and supports whatever decision I make but this also feels heavy on my shoulders. I have seeked counselling too, my clinic thought it would be a good idea so I'm waiting for my appointment.

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, I am hoping in time and with some counselling I will have more clarity and be ok with calling it quits. For now I'm taking one day at a time, trying to be present and enjoy my beautiful family and focusing on what I do have rather than what I don't.

Here if you need to chat or anything x

[Mercury363 in reply to Vassi]

It is so tough and you have been through so much already. I don't think I will ever be done, in my heart there was always one more waiting for me. I wish I could conceive naturally but I don't hold out much hope.Thank you for taking the time to comment. The last week has been a tough one and I cannot confide in too many right now. Most don't understand. Hoping for some patience for myself as time passes. I have the name of a counsellor now so that will help xx