I had been preparing for a long time to transfer my last own embryo before moving to donor eggs.
My history with infertility has been long, sad and shocking.
Starting with an early natural pregnancy loss after TTC a year, we then moved to IVF and first ever cycle got no eggs collected.
We persevered, tried again and in 2021 got for the first time ever to 12 weeks - just to learn that the baby had chromosomal problems that would mean they could not survive and leading to a termination for medical reasons at 15 weeks. The biggest trauma of my life and one I will never get over.
Moved clinics- tried embryo banking with testing. Tried this for a year. In and out of treatment. Cancelled cycles. Ovulating eggs before egg collection. Over the year got just one normal embryo. Did a bunch of other testing alongside it. The transfer of the only normal embryo didn't work.
Knowing we just had one untested embryo now left frozen, we have been looking at moving onto donor eggs. But before we could ultimately commit to this path we have needed to know the outcome for our last own embryo which we transfered recently.
I could not believe I got a positive test on OTD and rushed to the clinic for HCG testing. First result fine. Subsequent results showing decline in rate of growth (so it is still climbing but rate of climb keeps slowing down). Feel like how stupid to have ever had hope, of course it would end this way for me. Have now been advised to stop all medications.
Am so sad but tears are barely forthcoming. And barely have anyone to talk to - nobody understands except you lovely people on here who can relate to parts of this. I always wanted 2 kids. But still haven't had 1 live birth.
I am scared about now and the future. No bleeding yet. Barely any pain. Am terrified of risk of ectopic. I am being closely monitored so hopefully that will at least allow intervention if needed.
What should I expect now in terms of a bleed and pain? Please tell me if you have had similar. I am so worried.
You couldn't make this stuff up.
Thanks all (and especially for the DMs I had this week) x x
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Skittles11
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this it’s just such a cruel world 😢 I’ve had 2 positives with declining numbers. I bled a few days after I came off the medication I think it was 4 days. It wasn’t sore or heavy just a period type bleed. I hope your ok, as ok as can be xxx
I’m so sorry to read this. I remember you from previous posts and for your kind replies on my own posts. ❤️ this is so bloody unfair and I’m so angry for you. We had 3 losses in a row (one stillbirth, one query ectopic and one where the heartbeat just stopped at 10 weeks). It was horrendous and I felt like we would never get there. Sending massive hugs and so much love ❤️ xx
I honestly can't get my head around infertility at times. Why is it so hard for people who truly just want what everyone else gets without even trying. It drives me insane thinking about it and when I see how hard you've struggled it breaks my heart. I'm so sad and angry for you xxxx
No advice, Skittles but just sending you lots of love and hugs. Life is really unfair 💔 Try and hang in there and be gentle with yourself. We are all here for you xx
Oh Skittles I'm so so sorry. Just for immediate purposes and your worry about ectopic, how many days post transfer are you and what was the initial HCG, what did it drop to, and what is it now? I really don't mean to sound insensitive (I know how rough this is), just having had it go different ways for me from never really developing and being told or able to stop meds quickly, to much longer management, maybe that info could give an idea of what might happen next and what to look out for, if you don't mind sharing, or DM me. I think just getting through this worrying bit is one thing and maybe try and concentrate on that and your health, and taking it hour by hour, and everything else can wait x
I am so sorry. I have not had the same experience but had no heartbeat at 6 weeks scan and had to go through medical management, let me know if you want to know any details or fancy a chat.
I have no advice for the questions you ask at the end as I haven’t been in that situation but I couldn’t not reply as it made me shed a tear as I have been through similar experiences to you in regards to cancelled cycles and ovulations and now I am moving on to donor eggs after our last failed round.
Want to send you so much love and hugs as you’re not alone with this grief. We can all identify with it. You are also not stupid to hope as it’s something we are all doing against all odds. Please don’t beat yourself up over that, none of this is in your control or your fault. life is just so bloody unfair!!! 💔
Please also feel free to DM if you need a chat and be kind to yourself x
oh Skittles, sending you lots of hugs. I went through something similar in November but it wasn’t an ectopic, it was an early miscarriage. Slow rising hcg doesn’t necessarily mean ectopic. I think around 5 days after I stopped the medication, I started to bleed and it was like a period.
Please don’t feel stupid for having hope. It’s always a 50/50 chance of success, whether on a tested embryo or not. It’s the agony of waiting for the result and even with a positive test result, it’s still 50/50.
It’s so so hard. You have a plan after this which will hopefully take your mind off this. Thinking of you xx
Thank you for replying. The last medicine I had was Friday morning and I still haven't had a bleed, not even spotting. I saw it took 5 days for you, from your message so this has helped relieve my anxiety slightly thank you x x can I ask how many weeks were you when this happened? I'm sorry you had to experience it 😔
I’m glad my message helped ❤️ my clinic at the time said it can take a week or two, hopefully it won’t be long before it happens. I was 6 weeks when it happened.
Thank you, it’s really hard, all of it. I’m here for you if you’d like to chat xxx
I’m sorry this happened. I had decreasing HCG on my last OE transfer. From 300 to 200 and they saw an empty sac. I was told to stop medications and after 48 hours, I had a bleed. It was like a normal period, not more painful or heavy like i feared. Weirdly I had a much heavier period 2-3 cycles after this which was unexpected but still not painful. It’s a rough time to go through. I’m sorry xx
Oh God Skittles, my heart goes out to you, it truly does. I don't know the answers to your questions but don't ever give up hope, I think everyone of us on here believes in hope, don't give up Xxx
Hi Skittles, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Your story very nearly reads word for word like mine....the loss and trauma is immense. I'm in my 2ww for results of my last untested embryo. If this doesn't work then I'll move to DE....thats the only thing keeping me going. I too wanted more than one child and have struggled to even have one. I'm taking the approach that each embryo/baby I've lost has existed and gave us hope and a desire to be parents, despite the outcome and that they are part of me even if they didn't make it. It sounds like the hospital are keeping a close eye on you.... I hope you are ok at this difficult time.
Please feel free to message if you ever want to, unless you've been through it other people can find the pain of our journey's a bit too unbearable. Thinking of you ❤️ xxx
I am very sorry for what you say. Although this path is hard and long for everyone, it is clear that sometimes it is really too unfair and difficult...
Hello lovely. Wow what a time you’ve had with it all. Heartbreaking 💔
I had a similar experience from my first fresh transfer - was super shocked we got a BFP with HCG level 75 which was supposedly good. First scan at 6 weeks didn’t show a heartbeat so we went back the week after & were told that even though the heartbeat was there, it was slow and that it would be a miracle if the pregnancy carried on past the next few weeks.
Agonising - week after week returns to the clinic for scans & eventually at 10 weeks the heartbeat had stopped. I feel your pain. It’s the worst pain imaginable.
I didn’t miscarry naturally so had medical management and an MVR because the meds didn’t work. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have taken the miscarriage meds - I found them absolutely awful & wish I’d had an MVR straight away.
Hope you get through the next few weeks ok. It’s super tough but from the sounds of it you’re a tough cookie after everything you’ve been through. Just keep taking it day by day & hope that soon things don’t feel so difficult xxxx
I am so so sorry 😢 I’m heartbroken for you 💔 you have shown so much strength for yourself and helping others on here as well I hope some of these messages gives you something in return as you deserve it 💕
In terms of pain early chemicals for me (4-5 weeks) have been more like heavy periods 6 week loss was a few hours of very sore cramps and passing clots and then a heavy period for a week after. Loss at 9-10 weeks was similar but stopped started a little more with a few hours of the sore cramps. All were tolerable for me at home with some nurofen and hot water. Weirdly there was also a sense of relief when it finally happened physically it wasn’t until after that the emotions really kicked in as I could only focus on the physical part of it first. Thinking of you and I’m here if you need anything at all xx 💜
Thank you Twiglet2 I appreciate that. I hope its okay to ask but did you have expectant management in these cases where you had no medical intervention? If so do you recall how long after stopping medication things started? I've stopped my medication on Friday morning and nothing has happened yet x x
No intervention just stopped meds on each time. One of them I was already bleeding but the last one I think it took me a week or just under before the bleeding started and the pain was a couple of days after that. Its so horrible waiting for it to happen you feel stuck and can’t plan anything 🥲 I really feel for you lovely xx
This is what I am finding truly difficult. The not knowing. I don't even know if the pregnancy is in the right place which is even more concerning. Waiting for something to happen is really playing havoc with my mental health x x
😢 will they scan you to check that? I was really worried about that too but was only scanned on this last one where HCG was over 5k. The others the HCG dropped so we just assumed chemical/miscarriage and it was. Your mind will be everywhere right now but I promise you you will get through this 💜 xx
Hi Skittles I don't have the words to say how sorry Iam for you and all that you are going through. I hope life will be kinder to you going forward Sendinh you love and light. Xxx
I have no advice, but wanted to give support and offer love at this truly awful time. Your journey has been arduous to say the least, and it still continues. You are clearly an IVF warrior, as we all are, and it is that strength that will see you through this difficult time. Much love x
I am so sorry for all your losses xx I am so sorry for all the heartache and for such a hard journey you are having xx I have shed some tears reading this xx Life can be very cruel xxx Sending you BIG BIG hugs xxxx
I'm so sorry to read this. Why life can be so cruel and throw so many stones at 1 person's path? I totally get your pain and disappointment. I just hope somehow you still will get a strength to fight. And let's just hope this is not an ectopic pregnancy. I went trough it and it was an agonizing wait which ended up with emergency surgery anyway. Thinking of you xxx
Hi there, I just wanted to comment as have a very similar story. Had a TFMR at 16 weeks and then my last transfer ended in early miscarriage. I had a heavy bleed after around 3 days of stopping all meds. Xxxx
Hello I'm so sorry you have had similar experiences, I took a look at some of your posts and remember you from before. TFMR was the most heartbreaking moment of my journey, it was so so awful I don't think it can be described in a way that portrays just how awful.
I'm feeling really anxious at the moment as I stopped medication 3 days ago and no sign of a bleed yet.
Sending so much love and hugs. Just a suggestion but you could try writing words down on a big sheet of paper, everything in your head that you feel anxious about, I do that in some of my trauma counselling sessions and it does help, just to get it all out, when it’s all just circulating in your head.
TFMR is the worst, it something no human should have to experience and I feel your pain, going on to have further losses really is hard to bear. I’ve had and still have days where I think I can’t go on.
I also had a missed miscarriage last year that went in most of last summer, waiting is tough.
Take each day at a time, and if possible, remind yourself how strong you are to have come this far and still be standing, you’ve endured so much and survived so you will get through this.
Sending so so much love and hugs to you and to everyone here going through tough times.❤️
I just had a read of your profile, you have also been through so much over the years. Thank you for reaching out, TFMR is something I don't tend to see spoken about much on here (or anywhere come to that) and so it means a lot to connect with people who have been through it. Thank you also for the tip on writing all the things I am anxious about. That's a useful thing to try I think.
I think it's just really tough not knowing how or when this nightmare path ends, I'm exhausted and I'm sure you are too x x
I am the same, I don’t really get to talk to anyone who understands the horror of TFMR, apart from my counsellor and my partner, it’s a lonely and isolating place to be a lot of the time. It’s something that I have accepted I will never get over, just learn to live with. Leaving my baby at the hospital is something I think about everyday, sometimes more than others but it never really leaves you. I am so so sorry you have gone through it, as well as further loss and treatment, it really is horrendous to cope with. I have to say, without the trauma counselling, I don’t know that I would have survived everything that has happened, so if you are getting through all this without counselling then you are beyond strong and I admire you, try and take time remember how much you have overcome and you will do again.
I know the piece of paper sounds over Simple but sometimes when I arrive at a session with my counsellor and I am feeling overwhelmed by what’s happened during that week, usually with some sort of Ivf/fertility stuff having happpened, neve mind work, life admin, relationship etc on top, she gets me to do that first, write down words all over the paper and it usually really helps, you write everything that’s worrying you/ making you feel anxious, I usually end up crying when I’m doing it but then am able to take big deep relief breaths at the end just seeing it all out of my head and on the paper.
It is a nightmare path as you say, and I’ve found just when I think something else can’t go wrong it does, so I try to take one day at a time, easier said than done but it’s less overwhelming.
If you ever want to chat more, please feel free to message me. I am sorry again for what you have been through, no one deserves it.
I’m so gutted to read this post 😨 You have geed me up a few times in the past and I do want to return it, but it’s just utter crap. Unfair. Tbh fuck the universe!!! I wanted 2 kids too but right now just 1 would do! Xx
I am so sorry, you have been through so much and it is truly heartbreaking, I'm sorry you have had to suffer so much on this gruelling journey. I had hoped and wished for a successful outcome this time.
you are such a lovely, compassionate , kind person who is always on hand to give help and support to others even when you have been struggling yourself. I hope that all these kind comments shows you that we all care and that you are not alone. As you know I am always here if you need to chat. please take care. I hope the clinic is keeping an eye on you xx
I'm so sorry I had this in November I know it feels. you'll bleed maybe in next few days like 3-7 days. Get them to check your HCG levels so they have confirmed to be dropping I was closely monitored by the epau at the local nhs hospital which was great. I'm thinking of you lots x
Thank you to everyone who responded here and by DM, I really appreciate the support. Today, at what should have been exactly 7 weeks pregnant, my HPT is now showing negative. I guess I feel lucky that I avoided an ectopic pregnancy as I was really worried about that and feel for anyone who has had to go through that experience as it is terrifying. Hoping I can catch a break soon as I'm finding this totally exhausting and feeling low that this was the outcome of my last own embryo after a nearly 5 year (so far) journey 😢
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but as you say at least you avoided an ectopic. Have you started to bleed yet? 
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