I've seen and chatted about a similar thing before a while back, but just looking for views, opinions, experiences in telling friends about IVF/fertility struggles. It is back on the agenda for us after another pregnancy announcement in our close group of friends.
Did you tell people? Did it help? Did you feel more or less isolated with people knowing? Was there more or less pressure? Did the insensitive comments get better or worse by opening up? I'm still not sure we are ready to disclose but I'm also not sure I can keep being the supportive friend through pregnancy after pregnancy without the cracks beginning to show.
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WillowPark
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It’s a difficult one. Close family and one friend knew about my cycles, but she had done a lot of ivf herself and fully understood. I didn’t tell my family exactly what was going on in detail, just that we were doing cycles. I couldn’t cope with having to update anyone eagerly awaiting an update after egg collection or the end of the tww. That’s too much pressure for me.
With regards to your pregnant friend, I think it’s perfectly reason to congratulate her but explain that in the nicest way possible you won’t be hanging on for all the intimate details like some women seem to enjoy. If she’s a good friend she will respect this and give you space. People who haven’t been through IVF don’t understand, but most will appreciate it is difficult.
It’s not something I would’ve broadcast to the world whilst I was doing it, but I’m quite a private person x
Thanks, that's really helpful. That is where we are - a couple of family members and 2 close friends know. But we feel telling anyone in this group would be potentially opening it up to the masses... I'm usually such a private person but it almost feels like this is getting too big to keep down!
I came clean at work, because the type of job I do requires to travel from time to time, which could potentially collide with crucial dates. Work were very understanding to my surprise. I also told my mum as I needed someone’s Unwavering support. If I was to do it again I think I’d be more open about things, with friends and family.
Hi, thanks for sharing your experience. I was the same re work - I didn't have any choice but to disclose giving the nature of my job but got so much support! I feel like there is a big difference being telling people who need to know for practical reasons and being so open as to tell alot of friends. It seems everyone is OK with discussing it socially after a success but during first IVF is a totally different ballgame!
I am an over sharer and basically told everyone - I am terrible at lying and if anyone asked me I would just blurt it. But I am glad that I did because it opened up so many other conversations about other people struggling too. I am a huge believer in talking about things making them easier to deal with and when your friends and family know what you are going through you get so much support from them too.
On the other hand, when our first transfer failed (and I was shocked because you know, why would it??) and I had to tell so many people, I felt awful - and it was like a blow to the heart again and again. Plus the feeling of shame because I wasn't able to get pregnant, and I'd never really experienced that feeling before.
For subsequent transfers I only told a select few - and it was much easier to deal out that bad news.... As time went on and they kept failing, I told fewer and fewer people and on the last transfer (that actually worked) my husband and I only kept it between us.
My advice (for what it's worth) is choose a select few people who you trust - tell them that you are going through it and you will update them when there is something to say... ask them not to keep asking you how it's going or whether a transfer worked.
Thanks Millbanks, that is really helpful. I think our concern is that it would be hard to tell one of this group without telling all of them, and once we do that it is out in the open. Even though we trust these people and they will have our best interests at heart, we just know that each of them will end up telling someone else and it will be out before we know it. Not that that is a problem - it isn't something to be embarrassed or ashamed about - but it is private and we are private people. I know what you mean about other people - while we haven't been disclosing we are definitely in the camp of people that others are wondering if there might be a problem. I've had so many strange conversations over the last 5 years where people have felt the need to tell me about their struggles. It is almost like once you have been here you can recognise the pain in someone else's eyes and people want to reach out with whatever support they can. Which is lovely, but quite difficult when you aren't willing to say "yes we are struggling (too)" - I would have loved to speak to some of those people quite openly and didn't.
Yes I completely get that, and in hindsight if I'd known we'd go through the hell we went through I probably wouldn't have told so many people.
I found that it also made it extremely hard for my friends who did become pregnant naturally to tell me - I had one friend on the phone in tears - it was truly awful because my situation had made her feel so bad for being able to conceive - and I felt so sad that people were so worried about telling me - but I didn't actually want to know anyway! - ugh what an emotional mess.
If you're not ready to share then absolutely don't. Its such a personal thing and there are honestly so many pros and cons to it - there's no good answer.
I would say the only thing that really tipped the pro list for me, was that when it happened finally, telling people was honestly the best thing in the world - there wasn't a dry eye in the house. It felt utterly amazing. Obviously I could have gone the other way, and then everyone would know we struggled and it didn't happen for us. But I have friends who have tried naturally then given up as they didn't want to go down the IVF route - and that's whole other kettle of fish emotionally. Ultimately I don't think there is good position to be in when you're struggling - it's only what makes you feel the most supported.
To start with we told no one but as time went on we decided to tell some family and close friends. We made it very clear that we didn't want to asked for updates and most people respected this.
When we told my brother-in-law and his wife, we found out that they had been trying to conceive their second baby for even longer than we had been trying to conceive - at that point nearly 3 years. It helped a lot to have them to talk to. They eventually conceived in 2022 and when they announced their pregnancy they were very sensitive to our situation, as they were throughout the rest of their pregnancy. It did help that we don't live close to them so we could have time to process things.
I also told work before I started treatment. They were extremely supportive - I normally work shifts, which I was able to stop doing and I set my own working hours for during treatment. My job isn't safe to do during pregnancy so I was also office based during treatment, which helped with stress levels etc. I just told colleagues that it was due to medical treatment, which no one questioned and I don't think anyone guessed.
I'd say the biggest negative I had was when I told someone I really trusted (actually the first person I told) and I later found out that she had told someone else - I definitely would never have chosen to tell that person because of her personality type. I was really disappointed to have lost someone I felt I could confide in. I have spoken to the first person about it and she knows that what she did was wrong. Once we had straightened it out she became my biggest supporter and I did start to confide in her again. I also had someone else tell me that she doesn't believe in having IVF because if it's meant to happen then it would 🙄
One tip we learned for if people ask how things are going, if you don't want to tell them just say you're waiting for the next stage. They'll either get the hint or they'll get bored of asking!!
Although there were some drawbacks, I'd say overall it helped us that we told people. I found it a very lonely place to be when no one knew. It's sometimes hard to predict how other people will deal with your situation and that's the hardest bit about deciding who to tell or whether to tell anyone.
Oh me - that comment about "meant to happen"! It is funny though, I always suspected we might have problems (period pain of unknown cause) and for years I said to myself I would never do IVF and "if it was meant to be it would be, and if not I'd be OK". How naive a view that was and it changed pretty quickly when I realised I was in the "not meant to be" camp and really didn't want to be there... So that person is probably just ignorant rather than mean!
That is very disappointing re your friend but so glad you managed to get stuff sorted out. That is the concern, when we spoke about it last year we decided before we told people we would need to be comfortable with the risk that someone we hadn't told might mention it to us. We weren't ready for that so kept it quiet. As you say, it is knowing the reaction you will get and it isn't like you can take it back once the news is out.
That's a good tip re the updates - I struggle with that with the few people who know at the moment!
Really interesting what you say about if it's meant to happen! You just never know how you'll react until you're in a situation yourself do you. But yeah, it was definitely just a thoughtless comment to me rather than being intended to be mean. We haven't had anyone be deliberately hurtful, some people just don't know what to say and blunder through saying things that aren't helpful.
It's such a personal thing to go through and you just need to do what's right for you. Best of luck to you
I think as well, as you get older you get a much greater understanding of what it means to lead a life with and without children and the importance of it as a life decision. And when that decision is taken out of your hands it is very, very brutal - more so than I ever anticipated. But if you don't know, you don't know!PeppyMiller has flagged further down the importance of making this less of a taboo and more mainstream conversation. Perhaps if we all did that people would know what to say and how to deal with it a bit better.
Hi Willowpark, i hope you're well. This is a very personal decision. I'm a very private person, in our case I decided to tell only a few people (my mom and sister) , my husband hasn't shared to anyone on his family or friends. I highly value the support received from my family through all these treatments up and downs, and have definitely help me to get through it. However, one thing to note is that it might be beyond your control what happens with the info after that. In my case my mom and sister discussed this openly with other people within their close circles, I only realised because very casually they dropped hints in conversation. For example my mom said your brother sends congratulations on the pregnancy, etc. then this ended up as a sad story and she didn't share updates haha. I know this came from the right place but then I had to explain to my brother about the MC.
I also chose to share with a close friend, although not as much as to my family, just every now and then I may mention that we'll have treatment without much detail, and she's been very supportive, but again this may open you to provide further explanations as they might be simply checking on you. You're the gatekeeper of what you decide to share, but you might get wrong questions every now and then at the wrong time , that may come from a good place. I guess at the end it will be on our control how we react to things, because we trust these people we should be able to distinguish when comments come from simple ignorance or someone being a bit clueless without any intentions to upset.
In my case we have kept it very tight, and the support I'm receiving outweighs the blunders ! it's hard to make the decision but you should go for whatever will give you peace of mind and will help you to get through this, all the best of luck in your journey x
It’s definitely a tricky one - we kept our journey quite private (due for FET next month) however, after further pregnancy announcements in our friend group I felt I had to let people know what was going on. I will say the check ins from friends really helps, and the insensitive comments have gone. I’m a private person, & initially had just told two close friends, but now people are aware of our struggles but don’t ask too much as I don’t reveal specifics ie dates and outcomes etc. It’s what you feel comfortable with.
I’d agree with some of the above comments, it can be lonely doing this on your own without a support system, and also agree that if people ask, I too say we are waiting for the next stage and it shuts down the conversation.
Hi GemRim, thanks for sharing that. That sounds like exactly where we are. We have told a couple of people over the last few years but it is getting to the point where it is so hard to hide while also acting normal. And sometimes the mix of insensitive comments and not being able to explain the struggle is difficult. I dodged a few events last year because they were child-centric and we had just had a failure, and it would have been so much easier if people understood that sometimes kids are hard, or particularly if people could understand I'm not in a place to offer support through pregnancy or early days having a baby at home, but just because I'm not the person to give support now doesn't mean I don't care and don't want to give support. It is so tricky!
Hi! It's a difficult road to be on. I only told a handful of people. My mom, my sister and a very good friend who was also having fertility issues. It did help because at some point, the emotions will take it's toll and it was very helpful that I could cry, laugh, be frustrated, be excited with these selected people. I felt that telling more than these trusted few could only add more pressure. And more pressure equals more stress.
I hope you find the strength that this journey requires. I wish you all the best. Lots of baby dust your way. xx
I think it’s a very personal decision and everyone is different. Once you tell someone though, there is the possibility they will tell someone else. I’ve told work but only my line manager (he’s understanding with my last minute appts and random angry teary outbursts) the big boss as she’s been through it herself.
My close family (mum, sister, brother in law) and my closest friends (8 most of who don’t really know each other). It’s harder for me to hide my transfers though as I jet off to Spain! I don’t tell anyone my OTD however apart from 1, who will be my birthing partner and who I tell literally everything anyway. X
Hi WillowPark, this is just a good thread and it's so interesting to hear everyone's experience!In our case, I'm telling everyone if they ask or comes in conversation for two reasons - one being that infertility is such a taboo that it's made all of us feel alone at one point, if we all talked about our struggles no one would feel like they're the only ones going through it, and the second one, if we go through the grief of yet another BFN or miscarriage, I need people to understand that I might burst into tears randomly or that I really really really don't want to see a picture of your cousin's newborn just now.
On the other hand, my husband has told his coworkers and boss as he's trying to come to as many appointments as possible, and his parents know it's happening but without more details. He hates the thought of people asking for updates and basically being nosy. I think it's all down to past experiences, and how you feel about being open about something so personal.
Thanks PeppyMiller - I totally agree with you on the leading by example with being open. I almost feel bad for not doing it as I can see things need to change with it being socially spoken about. Just like I think it should be more openly spoken about at work but I'm keeping it secret (apart from my manager!). But that is balanced with all the other stuff and wondering what we will deal with by being open with friends and what we might gain or lose. It is so difficult!
My husband has a slightly different view to life too - he isn't dealing with the social side of all his friends' lives revolving around kids, and doesn't feel he needs any support either, so he is like your husband in that he is less inclined for everyone to know our business. At the end of the day it is our business so we both need to be 100% comfortable to disclose before either of us does. I'm not sure we are there yet - I go back and forth on it!
This is tough one and such a personal decision as to what you think you can cope with and feel most comfortable with. We decided to tell a couple of close friends and family members at the start of out journey. We then told a couple more family members who do not live close by because we had a couple of external family pressures on us and felt it would be helpful in the long run for them to understand why we can't always commit to things. However I did recently discover that more people know about our struggle that the ones we told. Part of me wished I never said anything to anyone because once you tell you can never un-tell. I am extremely private though and hate people knowing personal information about me.
However were it not for this I would have said it was beneficial to have extra support as people understood more about the tough time we were / are experiencing.
Anyhow I do think it's a dilemma and you should do whatever you feel you would be most comfortable with overall as it is so dependent on so many factors x x
Hi Skittles11, your story is exactly why we decided not to tell people last time we had this dilemma. We were worried about finding out people knew that we hadn't spoken to, and my husband in particular was concerned about that. You are right, once you tell you can't take it back so it is so important to be completely OK with losing control of the information first. But it is that thing - no one knows how tough it is or that we are going through anything, and that means they can misunderstand situations or be incredibly insensitive as a result. It is a tough one and I don't think there is a right answer!
Definitely not a right or wrong answer. Just what feels right at the time. I had someone who I hardly know come up to me and wish me the best with it all - they had found out our struggle from someone I had told and I felt so vulnerable and let down (even though the person who wished me the best was only being kind). But I did feel I had lost control over such a personal piece of information. My advice would be if you tell people, be selective as to who you tell and be clear multiple times that this is private and not to go any further if that's how you feel.(don't allow them to reinterpret that sentiment, if you don't want it being discussed with anyone be crystal clear about that). X x
I told close friends and feel like it’s really helped me. They’re there to support you when it doesn’t work, as best they can, and to congratulate you when it does!
We didn’t tell many people but I’m glad we did. I find secrets awkward and I didn’t want to give my closest friends a wide berth when I knew I might need them. If we were to go through it again I’d do the same.
I haven’t told work this time because I’m in a new job but previously I told my manager and she was completely supportive. It made things so much easier because there’s lots of last minute appointments and a few days off needed.
Go with whatever you think is best for you. Wishing you all the best with your cycle xxx
Absolutely - that is it. How long can you distance yourself and how many times can you pull out of events with good friends before it has a long term impact on the friendship. Also, if my friends were going through this and I only found out afterwards I'd feel terrible for not having supported them. I have told my manager at work and the support has been great - both as a manager and a person. I don't need to worry about time off and work is just covered for me at the drop of a hat which is great. It feels different with our friends group though somehow. It feels much more personal and vulnerable.
I was open with friends and family about when we were trying for a baby, so when we underwent tests and found out about our fertility issues then it was only natural that we told them. We were luckily to conceive a few months afterwards, but now having undergone ivf recently, it has really showed those that really do care and have our best interests at heart.
Telling one or two people in your group of friends would be a good thing to do (and pick the most trustworthy and empathetic ones). They will always help cover a situation and absence for you. But yeah, my advice is to tell a select few that you know will be supportive as they have been in other areas of life.
You will get insensitive comments with or without telling people, but those that make really insensitive comments (that know what’s happening) to me aren’t great friends, and means you can block them out and focus on your true friendships x
Hi WillowPark, to mirror what a lot of others have already said, this is a very personal decision to make and not the easiest! I tend to over share and told close family and friends about my initial treatment. I ended up regretting this as I felt a bit let down when they didn’t really understand what we were going through and there was this strange added pressure that I suspect doesn’t come when you are trying naturally. I also hated telling them when our transfer failed and it just added to my sadness/disappointment. I didn’t tell anyone about the specifics of our next transfer and this made it easier, although on the flip side, I felt a bit isolated/alone! Would it be worth just telling them that you are ttc and you are having a difficult time? Avoid going in to detail but still giving them the heads up so they can try and be more sensitive? Wishing you all the best! ❤️
Everyone reacts in different ways to this kind of things.
Both times I had to disclose it with work as I had to justify all the absences and in the end I felt very supported. So there was no point of keeping it a secret with the others. At least “mean people” felt embarrassed to comment and kept away from me 😂
With my fresh cycle in 2019, I had to deal with a close friend getting pregnant by surprise a few months before I was given the ok to start stims, and this time one of my best friends also fell pregnant “by accident” while I was waiting for my FET process to start. It seems that everytime I go through it, there’s someone that takes all the baby dust before me 😂
Despite I was in shock and felt a bit jealous, I always gave them all the support needed as I was soon to be a proud auntie and I was happy thinking that we might end up being pregnant and new mums at the same time.
This time, my best friend relies a lot on my “pregnancy experience” and I’m really happy to help her through with pregnancy tips if I can.
I try to think about my situation as (unfortunately) the “new normal”, considering how many of us have to go through fertility treatments to build a family, so I prefer not to isolate myself and to share what I need/want to. At least I don’t have to suffer in silence.
Good luck and baby dust your way💫, and if you ever need a chat just DM me anytime 🥰
Once I got over the initial fear of telling people, I actually found it very liberating to tell people, and found that people were generally so kind and supportive.
I didn't want the pressure of people asking me "did it work?" in case it didn't and I didn't want to have to have those unhappy conversations. So quite a few friends knew we were going through it, but minimal detail.
Closer family I gave a bit of a more detailed update (not day by day, just when I felt like it) and it really felt like they were on the journey with us, rooting for us, and just as desperate for it to work as we were. They really had an appreciation for how tough the journey was, and were just so overjoyed when it worked.
It's such a personal decision, but I went from being someone who wanted to tell no-one, to being someone who told lots of people, and was so glad I did. Xxx
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