*Sensitive* Been told to prepare for miscarriage

[Daisy-Delilah]

Last week I had a scan at the EPU for suspected ectopic, but at 6w2d they found an empty sac. After another scan this week and bloods I’ve been told that the pregnancy is not most likely not viable. They want me to have another scan next week ‘just in case’ a miracle happens but have said it’s almost impossible now as the IVF dates are so precise and so they would have expected to see something by now.

I’ve been told that I could miscarry any day now otherwise they have given me a leaflet with three options to choose from.

It’s really hard to believe that it’s over already and really scary not really knowing what’s to come. So I just wondered if anyone had been through similar…

I’m also wondering how to approach my next cycle (I think it helps me to cope by having next steps in place). For this one I gave up the gym which I love and didn’t go out with my friends for fear of them asking why I wasn’t drinking. I feel like maybe I should try to carry on with life more normally but then I worry that I’ll do something to mess up my chances.

Thank you xxx

UPDATE: Thank yo so much for everyone who has taken the time to respond to me. I’m actually quite overwhelmed and emotional to receive all your responses and it makes me feel less alone.

just trying to respond to everyone now. Thank you all so much. Lots of love xxxx

[JA-fnuk Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

So sorry to read your post - sending you a big hug and lots of good luck wishes for the future. Remember the outcome is nothing to do with what you did or did not do while on treatment Make sure you have people around you who can give you support and keep talking to your other half

Thinking of you

Janet

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to JA-fnuk]

Thank you for taking the time to respond and for your kind words. Xxx

[Kmcdon]

I’ve been in your position and it’s horrible so I’m sending you lots of love. I was the same and went back a week later for another scan. Unfortunately it wasn’t good news. I was given some different options but in the end the nurse said I should have a d&c. As I had had a previous miscarriage, I couldn’t face going through the physical symptoms and wanted it finished. I had a bit of a panic attack at the EPU so they decided surgery was a better option for me.

I am the same I found planning the next steps make things easier and it is my way of coping. I would say take your clinics advice on exercise (although I’m sure there are plenty people who get pregnant and still go to the gym). I think other reply is correct, I don’t think it’s anything you did or didn’t do . On my last miscarriage the doctors said at that stage it’s more likely that the embryo wasn’t right instead of anything to do with me. I’m not sure if that gives you any comfort or not. Hoping some of this helps and know that a lot of us here have been through what you are going through and totally get it. Xx

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to Kmcdon]

Thank you for your response. It’s really useful to hear others experiences.

After your D&C do they check that there’s no long term damage to your uterus lining? How long afterwards were you able to try again? Xxx

[Kmcdon in reply to Daisy-Delilah]

There is a risk that they tell you about but I was in the same position as Gerbear22. Sac growing but nothing inside it, I felt the same, just wanted it over. I haven’t had any checks but everything seems ok and they wanted me to wait a couple of cycles before I tried again. Although I did read somewhere new research has shown that after a miscarriage no need to wait but I’m not sure what a clinics view would be. Please let me know how you are and if you want to dm me. Sending love. Xx

[Gerbear22]

Hi there.I have also been in your position and sending you lots of love at this difficult time.I went for a scan in EPU at 5+6 and only an empty sac was seen.Went back at 7+1 and everything but the fetal pole was seen.Told I either ovulated later than I thought or else it was an early miscarriage.Went back again at 8+2,still no heartbeat and sac had grown.I was given options of medical,surgical or let it happen naturally. For me personally I wanted it over and done with so I opted for a D&C-(took another 8 days for D&C that only added to the trauma)I was completely traumatised and emotionally destroyed especially having to attend scans on my own due to covid and the length of time it took until I was given the devastating news.They said the likely cause was a chromosomal issue(just turned 39).It def helped me cope after the miscarriage having steps in place to focus on.Sending lots of love.xx

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to Gerbear22]

Hi, thank you for your response. I’m sorry you had to go through that, and a lot of it on your own 😢

I just really empty and emotional, it’s weird to think that it’s still growing inside me but no baby there 😞 so I can understand why you just wanted it done. I’m not sure if I can face the surgery route but I don’t want to just be waiting for it to happen. I was told that the D&C has a risk of scarring, we’re they able to check this for you afterwards and we’re you able to try again soon?

Thank you xxx

[Gerbear22 in reply to Daisy-Delilah]

We did try naturally again the next month and for 8 months after our miscarriage but no luck due to low ovarian reserve and endometriosis.We ended up having to go down the ivf route and are extremely blessed to currently be 27 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby on our second round of ivf.Tests/scans etc before starting ivf treatment showed no scarring or lining issues from the D&C.

Sending love your way and thinking of you.x

[MissSaoPaulo]

I'm so sorry hon. I've been there more than once and it's such a horrible feeling. In my experience of just letting it happen naturally, the worst of the physical part lasted maybe 5 or 6 hours but the waiting around to miscarry was the worst part, it was terrible for my mental health and the second time was over 3 weeks waiting before it started. So the third time I went for surgical management, and it was by far the least traumatic. Physically I had very little discomfort afterwards and it helped a lot mentally too, to get it over with.Double check with your health provider what the procedure will actually be. A lot of people mention D&C, but I don't know if it's actually that or if that's just a catch-all term used for all surgical management. I actually had a vacuum aspiration procedure, which is apparently really common now, rather than a traditional D&C and I think it's meant to be easier on the uterus lining?

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, best of luck for future transfers, when you feel ready xxx

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to MissSaoPaulo]

Hi, thank you for taking the time to respond, I’m so sorry that you’ve been through this multiple times. It’s just so devastating 😢

That’s really useful to know about the surgical management _ I will definitely ask about that in my appointment next week as I’m really worried about damage to my uterus lining.

Xxx

[Twiglet2]

I’m so so sorry 😢 the only thing I would add is support to your train of thought around not putting your life on ‘hold’ as much as possible next time round (probably a coincidence but when I did that it’s the one that stuck) unless you are doing something outrageous it’s unlikely to affect your chances and there is actually some evidence that good endorphins can help. For right now though I hope you have the support around you and be super selfish with whatever you need from people, time to lean on others if you can xx thinking of you 💜

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to Twiglet2]

Hi lovely, thanks for the response. That’s good to know that you had success when you didn’t put your life on hold. I think I may try and introduce a low intensity exercise routine next time just to make me feel a little bit more ‘me’ and try to carry on a bit more like normal as I don’t want this to take over my life. Thank you xxx

[KediT]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sending you love & light.

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to KediT]

Thank you so much for the lovely response xxx

[Katiee1]

Hey, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, my heart goes out to you it really does. I just wanted to give you my perspective on medical management which is what I had for my first miscarriage. No one prepared me for it and I guess everyone is different but it’s possibly the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I don’t want to say it to frighten anyone who might read it but I felt I was lead into it without any other options and it’s certainly something I would never opt for again as the pain and discomfort was beyond intense. I obviously got through it but it wasn’t nice and I just think people are better knowing it’s really not nice before going for that option because I was clueless.

Hope you have lots of support around you, take some time for yourself and grieve in your own time xxx

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to Katiee1]

Hi hun, thanks for the response. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It’s really useful to hear your thoughts. What do you mean by ‘medical management’ though? I’ve been offered three options, 1. Let it happen naturally, 2. Take a tablet to speed up the process, 3. Surgical removal

I must admit I’m leaning towards option 2 as I’m not sure I can face surgery. But is that what you had?

Thank you xxx

[Katiee1 in reply to Daisy-Delilah]

Hey, yeah sorry, option number 2 is what I had. I was lucky in the sense that the first tablet worked for me but what came after wasn’t nice at all. I wasn’t well for a good week. I’m not saying don’t choose that option but no one really tells you what it’s like, well they didn’t me anyway! It may be slightly better if you go in knowing it’s going to be tough, I was very naive! Feel free to message me privately if you want to chat more about it 😊 xxx

[Rainbowretrieval]

Hi Daisy. So sorry you’re going through this. I’m fresh from a very similar situation last week, mine did end up being ectopic so I’m minus half an ovary and a Fallopian tube as a result after needing surgical intervention. I don’t think the potential complications are as severe if you did you down the D&C route and hopefully will be straight forward for you so you’re able to move on. My aftercare has been very poor and have only been able to get an appointment in 3 weeks with my ivf clinic so make sure you advocate for yourself and have all the support you need in place prior to any procedure. It helped me to know how long I have to wait for another transfer, need to wait 2 cycles in my case (the withdrawal bleed you’ll likely get after procedure not counting as one). I still am looking for answers on how the hell a ivf embryo transfer placed in your uterus can end up growing on your ovary but I don’t know if I will ever get them…one positive is that you’ll likely be entitled to closer monitoring now, given what happened this time. I’m going to ask for lining scans etc so I have the best chance of knowing if mine can implant in the right place. Also going to consider Emma testing etc so can use this ‘downtime’ whilst I wait productively so I can see if there is any pathology in my womb. Good luck with getting through this rubbish time sweetheart x

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to Rainbowretrieval]

Hi lovely, thank you so much for your kind and detailed response. I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you, you seem like you are so strong! I really hope you get some answers to your questions as it always confuses me too why ivf is more likely to end up in ectopic. I’m so sorry you’ve had very poor aftercare too, it just makes the whole thing so much more stressful.

That’s really useful to hear about the lining scans, is that just done via an internal scan? And I will look into Emma testing.

Thanks again and good luck for your recovery and next steps xxx

[Lolalules]

hi Daisy, sending love - I’ve been there a few times and it’s just the absolute worst. I’m a next steps planner as well and my advice (following 4 MC’s and now 25wks) is that putting my life on hold didn’t help and actually made the journey harder. I did adapt - stopped doing so much HIIT and high impact and really got into yoga, pilates and swimming instead. I actually found all three of these mentally therapeutic too and they’re safe to continue during treatment and, if exercise is deemed ok for a pregnancy, during pregnancy too. In terms of drinking, perhaps just let your friends know that you’re cutting down to be healthier (you can have a few small glasses a week outside of treatment) and you still get to maintain your social life. I found my last two cycles (unsuccessful and successful) much easier through these changes. I hope you have people around you to support you right now and keeping my fingers crossed for you x

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to Lolalules]

Hi, congratulations on your pregnancy! thank you for taking the time to respond, sorry to hear you’ve been through this multiple times.

that’s really good advise on the exercise thank you - I think I will try and find a lower impact way to keep going. Did you just cut down during the treatment and 2ww or in advance of that?

The drinking thing is so difficult as in my friendship group, two of the girls are pregnant and as soon as someone is driving or not drinking then everyone points the finger at you for ‘being next’ but maybe I’ll tell them I’m on a health kick or something and have to eat a salad too!?

thanks again and I hope all goes well with your pregnancy xxx

[Lolalules in reply to Daisy-Delilah]

thank you, yes it’s been tough for sure and i really feel for you at the moment.

I continued during treatment - as it’s low impact my clinic said it was fine and actually the swimming really helped my body during the meds. I stopped during TWW (as i was anxious!) but i did pregnancy yoga online videos as i found the stretching and mindfulness part helped get me through.

I totally understand - a friend of mine claimed she was getting migranes after she had alcohol and that her doctor advised she reduce intake whilst she figured out what was causing it. Turns out she was going through IVF and wanted an excuse! Could work 😊

[lianm8]

I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Am thinking of you.

My first two ever transfers both failed and I was so adamant with not stepping out of line with the rules that it completely took over my life. I think you need to carry on as you would normally as much as possible, definitely carry on at the gym as this helps emotionally and mentally too (Although I think it’s best not to go if your going through a fresh round just until egg collection)

I wish you all the luck in your next round xx

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to lianm8]

Hi, thank you for the response. Yeah I think you are right, I have been to scared to do anything that could harm the baby. I’ so envious of people who get pregnant naturally and just carry on without a worry in the world and still have a healthy baby. I definitely think I will try to do some light exercise next time.

thanks so much, same to you xxx

[lianm8 in reply to Daisy-Delilah]

I think that’s a common thought in IVF ‘why me’ so many questions as to why. And it’s heartbreaking. No one understands the upset infertility causes unless you are or have gone through it and I’m sorry you are going through this. Take time for yourself to heal and go again when you are ready. Take care lovely xx

[Hidden]

I am so sorry for what you are going through, like the others I have been there both in terms of an empty sac and also a pregnancy not progressing. I have had a D&C 4 times. The only time I had a problem was when they didn't completely remove everything and I had to have it repeated but this is quite a rare thing to happen. I didn't have scar tissue. I always chose surgical management for my miscarriages where I had an option because a lot of my miscarriages were missed and my body didn't realise it had happened .. I was told it could take several weeks for it to start and I needed to get on with it physically so I could start to deal with it mentally. Having said that my natural miscarriages at early stages (and maybe I have been fortunate) have not been too terrible and really very much like a very heavy period with cramping.

As others have said it's nothing you have done or not done, but for your mental health I definitely recommend taking a break even if it's just a few months. I pushed on with cycles each time thinking 'at least I am doing something proactive' and the reality was it just pushed my grief into more denial and I ended up going a bit bonkers a few years later after burying too much internally. I also recommend counselling. As for next rounds and what to do I always exercised as much as I could up to transfer or egg collection (basically until I became too uncomfortable) and continued with long walks post transfer as I needed the head space. I also allowed myself the odd alcoholic drink and 'bad' meal because over the years IVF took over my life and I needed to regain some control. The most recent FET I actually had a glass of wine the night before transfer and it worked. The main thing is moderation and having no regrets, so don't do anything if for the rest of your life you are going to wish you hadn't had that drink or that burger as it might have changed things then don't do it, but in reality I don't think a glass of wine here or a sushi serving over there or a run here will make that much difference but will give you a much better quality of life. Huge hugs xx

[Mrsjaytee]

Hi

I feel your pain.

My first transfer, which resulted in my daughter had me bleeding & going for a scan at 6 weeks also. Luckily she was ok, however, I transferred a 2nd embryo & true to form, started bleeding at 6 weeks.

We thought this pregnancy was just following the exact pattern of our first, but at the scan there was just an empty sac. Not a flicker. In fact, it had split in 3. Like you, they said that with IVF they know what to see to the date etc.

They told me to come back a week later, but about 3 days later I did miscarry. It was bitter sweet. It was horrible to know what was happening & to be honest, the mental side was harder than the physical side.

I just didn’t look in the toilet bowl & honestly, it felt like a bad period. I seen & felt nothing that would have made me think it was our little lost embie. The mental side was worst. All the questions…. Why did it implant if there was something wrong? Did I do something? Did I eat something? Was I too stressed? But the truth is that there was nothing I did, but it took the consultant, a therapist & lots of talking with my friends, family & husband to get through it.

Like you I needed a plan. I needed to know that it wasn’t the end.

We started straight away into another 2 cycles back to back… both failing to get any bar 1 embryo & me nearly crumbling with stress, anxiety, high blood pressure, insomnia & depression. I do believe my mental & physical state caused those 2 cycles to fail, but I couldn’t give up.

For us, we took 3 months off. We booked holidays, weekends away, we enjoyed our food but we exercised & also only drank maybe once a month & even at that very little. We then tried again… I was in a better head space about everything that had happened & I felt good.

We had our 2nd best egg collection & currently waiting on our PGS-A results.

My only advice is, yes, have a plan, that helps… but take your time & reset yourself. Go in to the next round feeling good & strong.

I hope it all works out for you, this whole process is tough & it’s tough at every stage, but you have gotten this far so you are a tough cookie. Take care xx

[Woody2019]

Hello my lovely.

I’ve been through this a few years back with a natural pregnancy, it was so awful and such an emotional rollercoaster! I did start bleeding naturally at around 7.5 weeks! You have to do what feels best. Sending you lots of love and strength ♥️

[Daisy-Delilah]

Hi everyone- thank you for all your responses. And apologies to those who replied and I didn’t get back to. I had intended to but I was really low and just needed to take a break from this site. I hope everyone is doing well xxx