Advice for coping mentally with ICSI/IVF - Sorry for the double post!

[green121292]

further to my previous post (sorry, it was only a couple of hours ago!) I just wanted to ask how people mentally cope with IVF/ICSI.

When you’ve got to this point where you’re doing treatment after whatever journey you’ve been on , whether that be multiple miscarriages or a fertility problem diagnosis, how do you not expect the worst?

Even during our very recent 1st round of ICSI, we were upbeat and positive, but realistic. Aware of the worries and never expecting a guaranteed successful outcome. Trying not to allow myself to believe that I might be pregnant, but also acutely aware of the symptoms my body has been screaming at me.

What does everyone else think in this time? Do you try to always think the worst so you’re not disappointed? For those who have been successful, did you allow yourself to think you might be pregnant before you tested positive?

I find I can’t go to the loo without picturing blood given the multiple miscarriages I’ve had. And now, I woke up this morning, the day before I’m due to test and I’ve had a fair amount of fresh blood. The only time I didn’t automatically think it was going to be there. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I feel I jinx myself every time I think that this time it might be my time.

Sorry again for posting so soon, just feeling very confused and upset! Xxx

[Muppett85]

Hi Green,

This is such a difficult and horrible thing to go through and something you think will never happen to you. Especially when it seems like everyone around you gets pregnant so easily.

I'm very much a glass half empty person. Some say negative, I say realistic. I always think the worst because when the worst happens I was right and then if it doesn't and something actually goes right I was proved wrong.

We were trying for 3 years before we had our first round of IVF. We basically put our life on hold which my husband found frustrating. I felt positive when we started treatment because I was finally doing something proactive and finally were getting help after waiting so long. But tried not to get my hopes up.

I found coping mechanisms that helped me when my period started every month or I got a failed test. I allowed myself 1 day to feel miserable and then told myself I needed to get on with it. I played 'the show must go on' by Queen on the 2nd day which helped and I found that stopped me dwelling on the situation and getting depressed.

I never allowed myself to think I was pregnant after embryo transfers and I knew what little symptoms i felt were just the high levels of progesterone.

Sorry for such a long reply, I hope it's helped a little and know you aren't alone in this journey xx

[green121292 in reply to Muppett85]

hi Muppett,

Firstly, a huge thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. It all makes complete sense and it’s very similar to how I have tried to approach things, but every now and then I feel I slip up and allow myself to think ‘what if?’, then I feel I’ve jinxed it when things don’t go the way I wanted them to. I also have always allowed a 1 day recovery each month and I find that after a good cry I tend to feel better later in the day.

Sadly yesterday I started bleeding, 1 day before I was due to test and after our first round of ICSi. Trying to look at it more as a ‘right, we’ll lots to learn from this first round’ approach, but it’s not been easy.

Huge thank you again, I’m really grateful for your message xxx

[Aej1982 in reply to Muppett85]

I agree with Muppett85 , when I’ve had any kind of fertility disappointments, I take a bit of time to feel the sad emotions / lost hope / despair but then I pick myself back up again and think of things I’m grateful for / any nice plans coming up, otherwise I felt I would never move on. For me also, time is a great healer and talking things out (or not) helps.

Have you thought of speaking to someone? A fertility counsellor perhaps? We’ve got one at the moment and a tip she gave me was to try journalling to deal with the emotional side, this is the hardest part for me. Hope you find a way that works for you and be kind to yourself. X

[Twiglet2]

it’s so rubbish! I’m so sorry you were bleeding did you do a test that was negative? If you have bled before test day I would talk to your clinic about maybe adding some more progesterone next time as that helped me X

In terms of your question I’ve tried all the ways you describe above the one that works best for me is preparing for the worst but keeping a small amount of hope for the best! What that looks like in reality is not changing any plans before after or during treatment as much as I possibly can ‘cos I might be pregnant’ and not constantly talking about it and pretending it’s worked but allowing myself a couple of ‘what if’ convos during the 2 week wait with my other half just to keep our hopes up. This means I don’t have as much ‘I can’t believe I cancelled x, y and z and it still didn’t work!!’ I also prefer to test early so it’s not the blood that tells me the answer but a test that I’ve deliberately done which helps me prepare more than when I used to get my periods first before test day. I think it’s all a personal choice though and when it did work for me before (trying for a sibling now) it meant I was terrified until about 20 weeks and in complete denial still that it was really happening until about 30 weeks as I was still sure something would go wrong because that’s were my head had been after so many years of it not working or chemical pregnancy so I think I had built my defences up to well!! 🤷🏻‍♀️🙈

Sending you a big giant hug for now, look after yourself and grieve for a few days and then have a think about next steps xx

[green121292 in reply to Twiglet2]

I’m so glad to hear you were successful with your first child and huge good luck for number 2!

Thank you so much for your message, it’s very reassuring to hear that I’m not going mad and others do have a similar approach. I just find that so many of my friends who are pregnant (and managed really quickly) just think it’s a given and always used the ‘when this or that happens’ frame of mind even before their first scan, I always found that quite hard to hear as I try to be realistic.

The quite frustrating thing is that the test this morning was positive, but I passed a fairly big clot (sorry for TMI!) and the blood has been on and off for 24h, ranging from pink to brown to bits of bright red. I’m just about to call the clinic, but I know they’ll say just keep testing until you’re negative to be sure.

The good thing is I’m almost chomping at the bit to go again - I’ve been trying to think of this whole process as one treatment (no matter how many rounds that takes) rather than thinking about the end goal.

Huge thank you again, it means a lot and wishing you loads of luck for your second!♥️♥️♥️

[Twiglet2 in reply to green121292]

the clots are really scary I’ve had this twice with positive tests one was a miscarriage but (don’t want to give you false hope) one was my little boy and I bled horrendously for the first 8 weeks (huge clots) from a SCH ….probably another reason why I never believed it was really happening! I have my fingers crossed for you just in case, defo speak with the clinic they might want to up your progesterone or do some blood tests xx

[green121292 in reply to Twiglet2]

thank you so much for the heads up - I’m almost just waiting for a full blown period to kick in at this stage, so just trying to be quite realistic. Thank you again though, your message has really helped! Xxx