HCG only went up by 24 in 72hrs. Now a wait for the inevitable…

Not looking for any glimmer of hope, just wanted to write down my frustrations to an audience that can sympathise.

This ivf journey is just awful. We have to go through so much and most of the time just carry on as normal to those around us.

Round (4 and our last attempt) and I finally got a bfp- weirdly, I didn’t have a wave of euphoria that I thought I’d get, but instead just felt anxiety with the “what’s going to go wrong next” feelings that I’m so used to. Well today, it was confirmed that I’m very likely having a chemical 105 hcg at 9dp and only 129 11dp. Of course, they couldn’t say for absolute definite as it had risen, which is just even worse tbh.

I just feel so broken by it all.

[Lilygray]

I’m so sorry and I know how you feel. This has happened to me twice. It’s horrible and soul destroying but I promise the pain will eventually settle. IVF is brutal and just not a given that it will work! And even if you do get a positive … that’s just the beginning of the worry that something else could go wrong. And I know what you mean by it going up a bit is almost worse, because you can’t start to mourn quite yet, even though you know what’s coming … I’m so sorry, it is so so heartbreaking

I’ve still got everything crossed for you and hoping that a miracle will happen and it’ll be ok. The waiting game is SO tough.

Sending you lots of strength, please be kind to yourself xx

[Hidden in reply to Lilygray]

thank you lilygray - I needed that.

The clinic want me to go stay on the meds back in a week for another test, but that seems far too long and I’d rather just stop and let AF come so I can recover and be ready to start again with FET in the new year. Time isn’t on our side, but I think I need a couple of months to get my head in a positive space again.

I’ve gotta hope the frozen works as we won’t be doing ivf again.

Best of luck with your next one (just saw your post). It takes such strength to pick yourself up and try again.

[Lilygray in reply to Hidden]

I feel you 100%, I was in exactly the same situation. This isn’t medical advice and I’d check with your clinic but when it happened to me the second time, I just did a couple more tests and saw the line fading over a couple of days… so they brought me in for another follow up blood test sooner and let me stop the meds earlier than they originally planned. It might be worth you speaking to them again and explaining how you’re feeling? But I’m no expert!

And thank you. It is so hard but I felt that once I managed to get that positive, even though brief, I felt rushed to be pregnant again. But if this one doesn’t work we are taking a break because this has slightly broken me. I’ve heard FETs now are just as good, if not even slightly better odds than fresh if that gives you any sort of solace.

Sending you so much strength and keep us updated if you feel like it xx

[Hidden in reply to Lilygray]

Thank you for the advice. Unfortunately, they’ve asked that I continue estrogen and crinone but have said I can go in for a test Saturday instead of Monday. I did ask them why as it seems so pointless, but the nurse just sympathised and said we recommend to continue in case it does work out…(Although every piece of scientific literature ever written shows that it isn’t going to work out). Feel really annoyed at them. They know it’s not a viable pregnancy, it just seems cruel that they’ll ask me to continue meds! Ugh. Rant over.

I so hope your transfer went smoothly! Do you mind me asking how long a wait you left it before you did FET after your chemical?

I’m anxious to know when I can start again (not before I have a much needed glass of wine!). I too have had a pang of… “oh we’re nearly there” after experiencing a positive (albeit for just a week).

x

[Lilygray in reply to Hidden]

I guess they believe there’s a chance it could work! I do have everything crossed for you but I totally understand the feeling of pointlessness and the scientific backing … I know it’s hard, at least you’re having a blood test on Saturday and whatever the result, you can move forward ❤️

After my first chemical, I waited for my next period and they could fit me in (I was surprised!) so I went for it. And then the second one was tougher, it was more drawn out like what you’re going through now … but I started the oestrogen 3 days after the « early miscarriage » because my clinic closes for three weeks end of November. So it was now or wait till after Christmas.

In restrospect going back on the oestrogen after losing an embryo so soon was mentally tough and there were a lot of tears! But I’m actually ok now and I’ve been fortunate that I’ve had a lot of support.

I think it’s totally a personal decision. I get the rush to get back at it but also letting the hormones wash out of your body properly and enjoy life to the max a bit is also a good option.

I’ve really got everything crossed for you and even though I know you’re finding it too tough to be hopeful, I can have hope for you xx

[DianeArnold]

Hi DS. So sorry to hear this and hope you have got plenty of support just now. I know the ladies here will be around too. Thinking of you. Diane

[helodie]

Hi DSJ41 - I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I too have a less than ideal second beta and am not sure what’s going to happen next, and I strongly relate to what you said about moving on to the next thing to worry about. It’s relentless.

This process is fraught, stressful and invisible, and I don’t know how we all do it tbh.

Hoping you get the time you need to take care of you xxx

[Hidden]

update: this is by far the worst experience of all the previous failed attempts.

HCG is still rising, but slowly… ectopic is inevitable, but too early to know if it will go on its own or if I’ll need some intervention.

The wait to find out is awful. Ultrasound booked for Monday, but they suspect it will be too early to see anything

[Lilygray in reply to Hidden]

oh my goodness DSJ41, this sounds really really tough, I am so sorry to hear this. Do you have to continue your meds? Sending you so much love and strength xxx