Going through the motions ?

[Abloured84]

Hi all, I haven’t posted in a while - I am currently on day four of stims (due to start the extra injection alongside my menopur this evening). This is my third cycle…..

This cycle so far is a weird one - the only way I can describe it is as if I’m “going through the motions” if that makes sense? Except the physical injecting each evening, I am not even “bothered” (I use that term loosely as obviously I WANT it to work) but I am almost not thinking about it at all if that makes sense? And not consciously either…… as in, I’m not TRYING to NOT think about it …….

First scan is Monday to see how the follicles are coming on …… maybe then it will all seem a bit more real….. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I am wondering if maybe due to two failed cycles with very few fertilised embryos and never any at all to freeze, maybe I am protecting myself and desensitising from the process? ….. or maybe I am self sabotaging as I have lost hope ……

Who knows …… all I know is it won’t be long until the side effects of the stims kick in and I won’t have much choice but to think about it ……

Anyway….. I’m rambling ….. thanks for coming to my ted talk .

[RubyVet]

I know this feeling. I feel like I almost shut myself off to everything IVF the past 7months. Throughout our last egg collection (last July) I was carrying on like nothing was happening and even during my latest FET (January) it was so odd. I kept having to remind myself of what we were doing. My dad even sat me down one day and asked me what was going on because it was like my whole mindset changed!

It was definitely my way of protecting myself. After so much pain and stress I just thought nope! I don’t see it as self sabotage I see it was a way of coping and protecting yourself!

Let’s be honest, if we sat down and thought about all we have gone through it would be unbearable. So you do what you have to do for you xxx

[Abloured84 in reply to RubyVet]

Thanks so much- what a lovely reply to my trail of thought waffle . You’re right though I think, it’s just too much . Too much stress, too much heartache, too much disappointment and too much failure . In a way, I hope I stay feeling like this throughout the next few weeks. The two week wait would certainly be much easier if I was feeling this way! We have also booked a holiday for right after the wait so if we do have another failure , at least there is something nice to look forward to. Our last two cycles have been during the lockdown/ Covid years and with no distractions have been tough.

Hopefully third time lucky…… but I won’t bet on it . Xx

[Boo718]

I totally get how your feeling. This time I’ve just been going with the motions. I think I’m trying to save myself from the heart break of a fail by not getting very attached to it. I’m on some kind of autopilot. It’s so weird. We have had 2 negatives and a chemical and I just feel meh xxx it will be what it will be. People say be positive … hmm did that the last 3 times xxx good luck to u xxx

[Abloured84 in reply to Boo718]

Awwww I feel every word ❤️. Good luck to you this time . Praying we all finally get there . 🤞🏼💫💙

[Redsequin]

Hi lovely. I can totally understand you feeling like this. My first round of ICSI I was so excited and nervous, and now on my second round I’m just very “meh”. It’s been a long protocol so it’s just felt endless and physically tough, and I think because I didn’t produce many eggs last time I don’t have high expectations.

Like RubyVet says, it’s a protection mechanism. And I do actually find it easier going into my scans feeling neutral rather than hopeful, although I’m sure more intense feelings will creep in around egg collection and that awful five day wait to see if any embryos have survived! 🥴

Anyway, sorry for the rambling reply, but I just wanted to say I get it, and I’m right there with you! 🧡

[Abloured84 in reply to Redsequin]

Absolutely. I’m the same - both cycles have had very few eggs (never any to freeze) so I am just so demotivated third time around . I almost don’t even want to bother (but of course I do) but I just can’t face another fail xx

[Redsequin in reply to Abloured84]

I'm sorry you've had such disappointing rounds so far. Will keep my fingers crossed for you that this one works out super well! Something I try and remind myself of is that it doesn't really matter if I feel ambivalent, I'm doing so well just for persevering through all this. xx

[Abloured84 in reply to Redsequin]

Are you all prepared for your upcoming collection? Will cross everything for you xx

[Redsequin in reply to Abloured84]

Thank you so much 🧡! I'm not sure if ready is the right word: more like clawing my way to the finish line. The drugs for the long protocol have given me migraines and insomnia so I'll just be really happy when I can stop taking them!

[Abloured84 in reply to Redsequin]

That is always the best day isn’t it ? That relief on the first night of no drugs . I’m looking at around the 7 for my collection (all being well) so I’ll be a bit behind you! Will definitely be following your journey tho 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

[Redsequin in reply to Abloured84]

I will think of you on the 7th! Fingers crossed we both get some very strong eggs. xx

[PinkPanther1234]

Hey lovely, pleased to see you have started your cycle. I definitely relate to those feelings. That feeling of wanting to try and be positive, but also wanting to try and protect yourself from disappointment (then being concerned you are not feeling positive enough!). It is so tough.

Wishing you good luck on your next round 🤞 x

[Abloured84 in reply to PinkPanther1234]

Thank you so much xx