So we're out. Again 🤬 But at least I succeed at failing 🤦‍♀️😂

[AuroraXen]

As expected, no change from day 8. Third time was NOT lucky, indeed was exactly the same as every other month 🙄. Really struggling to see this ever having a good outcome. Trying very hard to look at the positives and what we DO have in life. But it's hard today, wrapping gifts for my cousins' babies and adorable toddlers and knowing I've let everyone down again 💔 So tired of feeling like a ****ing charity case, with everyone probably thinking 'what a shame for her'. It's going to take me a while to cope with this one I think 😣 But I WILL cope, again, as many of us have no alternatives 😢 Love to all this Christmas - to those celebrating your babies or soon-to-arrive babies and to those bereaved, bereft and feeling hopeless and lost xx

[Krystal_43]

❤️❤️❤️ U will get through this. Sending lots of love, strength & prayers ❤️❤️❤️

[AuroraXen in reply to Krystal_43]

Thank you for your kind words x

[Hidden]

Ohh hunny! I can totally relate to how you feel now...the only thing I can say to you is Be Strong and Never Give up your dream easily. Try to do everything possible and when the time comes and you have done everything in your power then you can relax and stop knowing how hard you fought! May the spirit of Christmas heal the pain and sorrow you're going through!!!

[AuroraXen in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Ally. You're right, all I can do is give this everything I have until time ticks away 🥺 If these last frosties don't work, I'll extend my loan once more and try a new round if need be. We have to give this our all xx

[Hidden in reply to AuroraXen]

That exactly what you need to do. If my FET won't work I'll have to start all over again but I have to do it so I won't regret it in few years or maybe it will be the lucky one. You never know what God has in plan for us or better to say our destiny! I was very upset these past few days and I yelled at God very much but I realised that our destiny is written before we're born so not even God can change what is already in store for us. The only thing he can do is to be right by our side and we have to let him help us. And sometimes he helps us through others!!! Have faith and strength!🥰

[RubyVet]

Sending love and hugs xxxx

[AuroraXen in reply to RubyVet]

Thank you 😘 x

[Janop79]

I’m so sorry AuroraXen. This was me 4 weeks ago. So tough. I’m finally starting to feel better. My period came today which was upsetting but I’ve let it go. I’ve decided to enjoy the Christmas break and deal with everything in the New Year.

Please look after yourself and be kind to yourself too. Sending you lots of love xxx

[AuroraXen in reply to Janop79]

Thanks Janop. Hoping you have a lovely Christmas despite the disappointing end to our year xx

[Hidden]

I’m so sorry. It’s shit. Give yourself permission to feel sad for what hasn’t happened this time. Tomorrow is a new day. You’ve not let anyone down. It takes a great amount of strength and courage to go through everything you do. I know how tough it is when you look at others who seem to have everything you want. Your time will come. Try and enjoy Christmas and come back fighting in 2022! xx

[AuroraXen in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your lovely words xx

[KiboXX]

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry it didn’t work this time 😢 I’ve been where you are and please know you haven’t let anyone down! You didn’t do anything wrong and you are not a charity case. It’s shit and it’s ok to feel shit about that but make sure you give yourself a break too. Sending you a big hug, you’ve got this xxxx

[AuroraXen in reply to KiboXX]

Thanks KiboXX 😘

[XOXO13]

You definitely have not let anyone down so remove that from your thoughts lovely ❤️ Anyone going through this journey knows just how tough it can be so you’re so strong for pushing yourself through it. It’s completely s*** and unfair and tiring and it’s okay to feel rubbish and angry and everything else as well. Take some time to process it and let Christmas be a distraction for you.

After my third unsuccessful transfer, I also took a couple of months just to refresh myself and look at what else I could do. It was the best thing I did to take a breather and build my strength up again.

Sending lots of love xxx

[AuroraXen in reply to XOXO13]

Thank you 😘 It's hard, sometimes I feel I need to take a break but the age pressure is so bad now that I think I feel worse 'wasting' time 😢 We'll try naturally until I see if my consultant will support immune testing xx

[Lagoon]

It’s hard Sending you love ❤️ Take care of yourself x

[AuroraXen in reply to Lagoon]

Thank you for taking the time to commiserate xx

[Yannah]

Thank you for your so beautifull message.Lot of love for you.

[AuroraXen in reply to Yannah]

Thank you Lovely xx

[ClaireB24]

I’m so sorry. I was so hoping you’d have good news. I’m 90% sure I’ll have the same result on Thursday. Haven’t tested but have AF type cramps starting. It feels like such a battle sometimes but we will pick ourselves up, we always do. Such incredibly strong women on this forum xxx

[Pigi in reply to ClaireB24]

Hi Claire! My test date is on Friday. Yesterday I just felt AF is coming….Just wanted to say hi…I don’t have other symptoms…. And honestly I don’t feel optimistic at all. I got used to have negative results. This is 5th round. This time with donated egg…Please let us know your result. I wish you a magical Christmas🍀

[AuroraXen in reply to Pigi]

Claire and Pigi, I hope you both get your BFPs this week 🤞😘 xx

[Millbanks]

Oh love, I know that feeling so well. Feeling like you’ve let everyone down - it’s so difficult not to feel that. But try to remember its only because everyone wants it for you so badly. You haven’t let anyone down. I had to keep reminding myself of that. The sympathy is the worst - I started to keep our treatment quiet after 3 transfers because I couldn’t cope with it.

I also hope that my journey can give you a bit of hope because I felt exactly like you: is this EVER going to happen - are we flogging a dead horse? But for us there was absolutely no other option for me to carry a child so we just had to keep going. 6th time lucky for us and I still can’t believe it. You will get there. And in the meantime, try and enjoy a little you time. Have some banging wines and treat yourself because soon enough you’ll be back at the clinic and hope will be renewed.

Much love to you xxxx ❤️❤️❤️

[AuroraXen in reply to Millbanks]

You're absolutely right. I normally try to keep cycles and transfers secret from family and only tell someone at work if I have to. But this time I had to tell the world 😂 Had to tell parents why I couldn't buy and carry their heavy Christmas tree this year and my close friends at work figured out I was doing a transfer from my sobriety 😆 But it is SO much harder telling people it hasn't worked when still so raw. Next time it's full on secrecy again!! It's hard enough processing your own grief without coping with that of others. Your story really gives me hope Millbanks. I so hope to one day be where you are 😍 xx

[Millbanks in reply to AuroraXen]

Sometimes it is unavoidable isn't it - haha the sobriety is a dead giveaway too - especially if you love a vino like me!If I could have done our last transfer without even telling my husband I would have - it was so much easier and so much less pressure....

I hope you're able to have a lovely Christmas and look forward to next year with a new plan in place. I know how much of a struggle it is to keep going - we had a BFN this very day last year and I just felt so flat and fed up. But making a new plan with my clinic gave me renewed hope and something to focus on - and that really helped.

Sending much love to you xxx

[COAGMS]

I’m sorry xx

[AuroraXen in reply to COAGMS]

Thank you xx

[Hidden]

Oh no! So gutted to read this - sending a huge hug xx

[AuroraXen in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Daisy xx

[FrancyItaly]

So sorry to read this, I feel for you ❤️ Don’t give up and remember IT IS OK TO SAY NO if you want to avoid family gatherings then do! Covid does help in these situations. Do whatever makes you feel better! Sending you a massive hug x

[AuroraXen in reply to FrancyItaly]

Thanks for your kind words. You're right, I'm just going to do and see what and who we can cope with this year xx

[PinkPanther1234]

So sorry to read this, I have seen your other posts before and was really hoping you would get your positive. You have not let anyone down, so please don't beat yourself up. Take some time for yourself and your husband over Christmas and try to enjoy yourselves. Know it is easier said than done, but try to look forward and keep the faith.

Sending you lots of hugs xx

[AuroraXen in reply to PinkPanther1234]

Thank you Lovely. It's minimal consolation but I'll be having boiling hot baths and alcohol on tap for a day or two I think 😆 xx

[PinkPanther1234 in reply to AuroraXen]

Absolutely, sounds like a good plan! I had my first BFN on Boxing Day last year, I spent most of the day in tears. Another 2 more BFN this year and each time I have ordered a big fat chinese takeaway and cracked open the wine. We deserve the treats!

I noticed you mentioned about trying immune testing - I hope you don't mind me asking as you may not be thinking of another go just yet. Do you think you will go for the testing? After my last failed transfer in June, I have had EMMA/ALICE and immune testing. The EMMA test showed I need probiotics and immune testing has highlighted various issues which need to be treated next time. I can't tell you if it has worked for me yet - I was due to start another round in November but I tested positive for covid end of October, so it all had to be postponed. But am due to start again in the New Year (I am excited but so nervous and anxious too). I wonder if these tests would be worth looking in to for you. Sorry, I am probably suggesting things you have explored or at least already thought about!

This journey feels so cruel sometimes. Enjoy that wine! 🍹xx

[Pnw2020]

Please don’t feel like you are letting anyone down. This is you and your partner’s journey. You have shown strength throughout your journey so far and I hope after a break you will feel ready to again. Wishing you well x

[AuroraXen in reply to Pnw2020]

I know with my rational head we're doing all we can. I'm sure people don't really blame me, I just hate everyone feeling sorry for me all the time... I hate ME feeling sorry for me 😆 Thanks for your kind words xx

[Weareback2]

Just to say you are not a charity case at all. I know it is hard but you got this!

[AuroraXen in reply to Weareback2]

Thanks Lovely xx

[Twiglet2]

so sorry to hear this 🥲I’m not sure if it helps to hear but I felt exactly like same after our third transfer ended in chemical and then covid hit so every thing got delayed leaving me in that place until I worked though it….but 5 months later transfer number 4 was the lucky one (the one we took the pressure off, told no one at all we were doing it and followed absolutely zero diets etc) so when you are ready to summon up some hope (which I know is blooming hard just now!) the next one might just be the ‘one’ and I really hope it is for you 💜 xxxx

[AuroraXen in reply to Twiglet2]

Thanks Lovely. So glad you got there! xx

[RedFox23]

So sorry to hear this news. You definitely haven’t let anybody down rather you have shown strength, courage and determination. Even with all that’s going on, you take time to comment on posts wishing women well and offering advice. You’re helping so many others. Hoping one day soon the stars align and it happens for you. Lots of love xxxx

[AuroraXen in reply to RedFox23]

Thank you for your lovely message. Your words mean so much xx

[tryingfortwo]

Hi AuroraXen, that's not the update I was hoping to hear but as so many have already commented here, you have not let anyone down!! You're incredibly strong to go through this time and time again and I'm sure your time will come. It's so unfair that so many people you know can have children easily when you are struggling. I also look at little babies/toddlers of friends and think I should have one the same age but I don't as I miscarried multiple times. Some of my friends didn't even plan those pregnancies and they have children they adore now while we have been trying for years....there's nothing fair about it at all. However, you are still young enough, do not give up hope. Take time out now to recover and gain strength and you will be ready to try again. Take care of yourself.❤️

[AuroraXen in reply to tryingfortwo]

Thank you for sharing some positivity and hope with me. It is much appreciated. Infertility isn't fair for any of us is it xx

[Ellie1005]

Sending you lots of love and strength so gutted for you, it’s such a bloody tough journey and no one should be going through it all. You have definitely not let anyone down, you’re the one suffering so think about yourself and hope you can do something just for you this Christmas, thinking of you xxx

[D1245]

AuroraXen im so sorry to read this but you have NOT let anyone down, you have tried your absolute best and you cannot blame yourself. Please be kind to yourself and take care xx

[Lacryacky]

So sorry AuroraXen.!! Hopefully one day we will have our positive too.🤗♥️

[Hoop123]

I'm so so sorry this hasn't worked out 💔 It's just a lot of feelings to process isn't it?! And it IS ridiculously sh*t, unfair and hard. But I can definitely, without a doubt, say you haven't let anyone else down. Take time to feel what you feel and I hope you come out of the Christmas break feeling refreshed and ready for the New Year. You can do this 💪!! ❤️xx

[NemoFish]

Oh no, I’m so sorry, I really didn’t want to read this 😭 I wish I could say something that would make it easier. This time of year must make it so much harder (personally I just want Xmas over and done with), but I hope you start to feel better soon, and move on with whatever comes next. It’s such a shitty journey xx

[Emmanev1]

Really sorry to hear this 😞 xx

[LittleT123]

Sorry to read your sad news but please don’t say you have let everyone down as to go through what we go through is the complete opposite. It takes so much bravery to go through IVF. I understand how you feel, I struggle to be positive and happy about the things we do have, I think that’s only natural. Sending you big hugs and wishing you a healthy happy new year and success next time xx

[Fudge1980]

Aww lovely am sending you the biggest hugs 💕 am so sorry it wasn’t quite the time. Your so strong I know you have this when your ready 😘

[Skittles11]

I was really sorry to read this. I was looking out for your update and hoped that you'd have good news as you deserve it. Take care of yourself xx

[IVF_Life]

Hi AuroraXen so sorry to hear this. I was hoping you’d have better luck than me but you really are in the same boat as me unfortunately. Like you said, we will get through this. Take a break even if it’s for a month or so and get back on track. That’s what I’m doing. I hope the new year brings all of us who are struggling the luck and strength we need to continue xx

[KC8990]

Hey, I could have written this myself. I have just ‘gotten past’ my third failure. I have had a miscarriage, a BFN and a probable chemical. It’s utterly bollocks, and the third blow hit me hard. I still get overwhelming grief, which is incredibly painful and although I have good days now, it hits hard when it happens again. I am going into Christmas feeling the same, buying and wrapping clothes for my nieces and nephews was horrible. My first was due NYD. It is such a shit time altogether. I am feeling particularly sad going into Christmas too.

Having said that, we know there’s more opportunities. I have definitely found that IVF makes you a very strong person, even if it makes you feel like you’re at your weakest. Resilience and perseverance is admirable from us. We have to keep going until every single option has been exhausted, we have no choice. I have talked myself out of being a parent so many times when self preservation mode kicks in, but every pregnancy announcement fills me with a whole new grieving process (not even jealousy, just despicable sadness) and that tells me I need to continue.

We have got this! Please do just message me if you need to talk. You are never a let down, in fact far from it. More like completely the opposite, even if you don’t realise!

❤️