Anxiety and depression getting the better of me

[Rachel-1992]

I'm really struggling at the moment. I have anxiety and depression and have had it under control the last 6 months or so but recently I've been having panic attacks and feeling so tired and low all the time. I had a panic attack last night when my OH tried to initiate sex with me, and the same last week. I just feel like I can't get the fertility issues out of my mind. I'm constantly thinking about it and constantly worrying about what's wrong with me. My Dr thinks I'm not ovulating and I'm starting clomid on my next cycle, but I have such horrible feelings of guilt, shame and anger at my body for not functioning the way it's meant to! I feel like im less of a woman. I know I'm not very old, only 28, and people keep telling me that I still have plenty of time, but that doesn't make me feel any better, because we've been TTC for 2.5yrs and all I've ever wanted since meeting my OH 7 years ago is to start a family.

I don't really know what the point of this post was. I suppose I just wanted to talk to some people who might understand what I'm going through. I'm a bit of a hermit, I don't really have any friends and I don't feel comfortable talking to my mum about this, and my OH tried to understand but he struggles. I just feel so lonely and lost and I can feel my mental health getting worse but I don't know what I can do. I know a lot of the advice is to take a break from TTC but that feels so backwards, because it'll only be longer before I'm pregnant if we stop.

I'm just struggling, I need someone I can talk to. 😞

[soccerkt6]

Oh lovely, I am so, so sorry to hear you're struggling. This process takes such a toll on everyone and I know that I've struggled with feeling broken and inadequate because we haven't yet conceived. I've had anxiety for my whole life, but the past year – a pandemic coupled with our infertility journey – really upped the ante and I've felt like I've been drowning on more than one occasion. The best thing when you're feeling like this is self-care – which I know can feel like an enormous burden – but start simple (a 5-min meditation, 10 minutes of yoga, 7-8 minutes of jogging, whatever helps get you into your body) and keep up a routine for a few weeks. In January I started doing 10-min HIIT workouts every other day and aside from the sense of accomplishment, it's helped me feel grounded. The whole fertility journey really made me feel disconnected from my body and I think that's been a huge contributor to my worsened anxiety. You should also reach out to a counsellor (through your fertility clinic or find an NHS psychiatrist) and schedule a session. I'm sure there are lovely ladies on here who could recommend someone specific if you don't know where to start.

I don't know if you're into spirituality, but there's a spiritual teacher called Matt Kahn who posts videos on youtube. He's funny and light-hearted and the videos always end up making me feel better. I recently watched one called 'Choosing To Be Here' which felt so relevant to my own experience of ttc. You can always have a scroll through his videos and see if one jumps out to you.

Just know that you are absolutely not alone. This journey is all-consuming and it can feel impossible to extract yourself from it, even when you want to. My best advice is to treat yourself with the same care and love that you would give to a child. Thinking of you xx

[Rachel-1992 in reply to soccerkt6]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post.I am notoriously bad at self care, but some of your suggestions look good so I will take a look into them.

I have seen the counsellor at my clinic (well it was a telephone appintment) and didn't find her to be very much help, but I will reach out to some private counsellors - I have had private counselling many times and although pricey I have often found it helped.

Thank you again xx

[RhinoCat]

First of all , well done for being able to type this here. Hopefully typing it has released some of your pain. Do you think you could talk to your gp about it ? I had counselling last year for a trauma situation and if I’d realised how helpful it was I would have had some sooner.

Sometimes when we stand so close to a thing , like ivf, it is all we can see. Should you consider a time out from it and try to get your joy back?

Are you finding it hard to relax? And tune it out? Talking to someone will help you release and process the hard feelings. It takes time.

Sending love snd hugs, please reach out to your gp and get counselling . You need to take care of yourself before going on with ivf.

What you are feeling is temporary. It won’t always feel like this but with help, you might be able to start seeing the light again. I think you need to ask your husband to help you with this.

Try to focus on the things you can control . Take action to get help and even that will bring you some motion towards relief.

You can do it 😘😘💐💐💐💐💐

[Rachel-1992 in reply to RhinoCat]

Thank you. Yes, just writing on here has actually helped a bit. I used to keep a diary and I think I might go back to doing that, as it's helpful just to put in words how I'm feeling.My experience of trying to access counselling through the NHS in the past has not been positive - long wait lists and only CBT is offered. I have seen private counsellors in the past so perhaps I will look I to that again.

Thank you, I feel better already just from writing on here xx

[RhinoCat in reply to Rachel-1992]

Yes, defo get back to journaling . There are some good journals out there that you can buy with things in them. The Fearne Cotton Calm one is good. Can you get counselling through work? Or even via your clinic so that it’s someone tuned in to ivf? I got six sessions through work and am still waiting on nhs counselling! So bad! I’d pay for more if I needed it though. Even go every other week for a few weeks to help you get back to yourself. You’ll know yourself what best for you 😘💐 The Calm app is also good. Defo time to invest in yourself and do special things just for your soul. A massage would be good if they’d open stuff like that again. Have you met anyone for a walk ? Someone to not talk about ivf I mean? A walk and take out coffee listening to someone else’s

Stuff is always helpful I find. Reach out to people . Even if they don’t know , they might enjoy getting out of the house too. Do you have any projects on the go? I find planning some diy or birthday gifts etc helps me too. Having something to look forward is also good. Even if it is take away from a new Thai place or something / like a treat etc. I love a bath with radox bath bomb and my music and book. Light a few

Candles and be so good to yourself. Like proper good to yourself because you need to😘💖💐

Hoping you can find some little snippets of ease amongst it all. This season is hard but it won’t be forever (even though it feels that way right now)

Love and hugs,

Here if you need me 😘💖💐

🦏 🐈 x

[strawberriesandcream]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I was 31 when I started ttc and comments around having plenty of time etc are just so so hurtful.

It’s like it invalidates your worries and you feel like people don’t understand. I used to feel enraged when people would say ‘you’ll be fine, it’ll happen’ ... thanks to totally dismissing my concerns!!

We understand, we get you, and your feelings are valid. This horrible phase you are in now will not last forever however desperate it feels right now.

I was never able to take a break for ttc either - I don’t think that’s helpful when all you want it to fall pregnant so if you want to carry on then go for it.

I would try and find some support, whether that is a family member, a counsellor or the GP who can listen to your worries.

Good luck xx

[Rachel-1992 in reply to strawberriesandcream]

Thank you, it is so nice to know that someone understands how I'm feeling. You're right, telling us we still have plenty of time does kind of feel like our concerns are less important than those older than us. Like, does my 2.5 years of stress and heartache at not being able to get pregnant not matter as much as an older person's? Especially when the comment comes from doctors and nurses, it makes me feel like I'm not allowed to be worried or upset.Yes, I will try and find some help, maybe a counsellor. It is good just being able to vent on here to people who know where I'm coming from 🙂

[Kmcdon]

I’m one of those older people but I totally understand where you are coming from. You are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do and i don’t really understand why saying you have plenty of time is helpful! I have chronic fatigue and when I was younger was really bad for a time and people kept telling me I should take a multivitamin! It was incredibly unhelpful and made me feel rubbish! I would definitely suggest diary keeping and seeing a counsellor. I’m not sure where you are but definitely look at some private options as lots of them do offer reduced prices etc depend on your income and circumstances. Does your dr want you to try Clomid before IVF? It might be worth seeing if your practice or another practice has a GP who is more of a specialist in fertility that you can speak to about everything. Having had anxiety in the past that must be hard to deal with along with everything else. Try to be kind to yourself and do lots of nice things for yourself. Most of all if you feel rubbish, post and let other people help and support you.