I’m due to have my second FET on Wednesday with our final donor egg embryo following a miscarriage in Oct. We’re all on this community page because chasing fertility has been a tough journey for each of us, one way or another. You ladies are literally the only people I know who have struggled with it. I was quite open with friends about our journey in the hope I’d find solidarity. But after the miscarriage I’m feeling more alone than ever. Apart from 2 friends, nobody knows we’re trying again. Had a friend tell me yesterday that she’s pregnant again with her second and I am thrilled for her. But it’s completely taken the wind out of my sails for this second FET. It’s hit me hard that this may not work. But what’s worse is that I’ve realised I’m not sure I love my donor egg embryo enough for this to work. My buried shame at my inability to have children resurfaces each time a further pregnancy is announced, be it friends or celebs. Even if this transfer works, I wish in hindsight that I hadn’t been so open about it all. I wanted to normalise it for me and to prepare people around me so they wouldn’t come up with questions like “so, who’s the mother then?”. (Already had a few of those, sigh). Because of this forum, I know for fact that many women have no choice but to use donor eggs. But the public narrative rarely touches upon this and so it remains hidden like a dirty secret. I didn’t like that and I felt like I was helping get the discussion going by being open.
Anyway, I can’t shake this feeling of shame. It’s horrible. It’s not the embie’s fault and of course I’d love it if it works. It’s just this whole feeling alone thing. Girlfriends have been so supportive and cheered me on at the last attempt. But if you’re able to have a child with your own egg - no matter how easy or hard the journey was - it’s just a different world when you’re using donor eggs. So even the warm and wonderful words I read from own-egg mums on here doesn’t help. (Sorry, I really love how everyone is such an awesome cheerleader on here.) But truth is, it is an isolating experience using donor eggs. I wish there could be less shame about it. I think attitudes will change in the coming years and with celebs opening up about their fertility woes, hopefully some will even open up about using donor eggs and help path the way to society acceptance that this is the new normal.
I needed to get that off my chest. I hope this hasn’t upset or worried donor egg mums and mums to be. I really needed to talk to someone though. So, thank you for reading and good luck to all you fertility warriors xxxx
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Lillilly
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I feel you! I am going to start donor eggs maybe in March ... but I feel nature pushing me to give up ... too many dramas last 2-3 years .. I passed being helpless.. i think some pregnant women who made a simple journey are mean!!! My pregnant colleague knows I had chemo and cannot use my eggs.. she doesn’t know I may have donor option,, keep talking about her future second baby ! Today asked me which gender I prefer!!! I wish I could punch her
Oh Fay, I am so sorry to hear about your chemo. You've been through so much already. It's a shame your colleague is asking you those sort of questions. I'm sure she has good intentions, like not excluding you, but even if it is like that this demonstrates what I feel about greater sociatal ignorance. (Not blaming her). Insert big sigh here. That is great though that you're looking to use donor eggs soon. As gloomy as my post sounded, I do truly feel that it is an incredible thing to do and there is so much excitement to be had. Doesn't mean the grief of losing your own fertility isn't real or that it needs to be swept under the rug. We learn to live with both and hopefully eventually stare into the eyes of our beautiful little miracles. xxx
I just wanna give u a massive hug....I couldnt read and run. I'm so sorry your dealing with all of these emotions and feelings. Do you think these are heightened even more so as you are approaching your final transfer? I don't know about you but sometimes it helps me to have a plan a, b and c after a transfer.....I bought two more silkie chickens after my recent mc. I know it's not the same and won't take the pain away but it kind of helped me. I don't know if that's insensitive for me to write that but animals is something that makes me happy and forces me outdoors which is always good for mental health.
Can I ask have you sought counselling....specifically donor egg counselling? I'm sure you have but just wanted to check. Also have you joined donor egg specific Facebook groups/forums?
I know I'm not a donor egg mum so I can't relate to how you are feeling but I just want to send you some love.
Yes, it's definitely to do with the final transfer. My friend announcing her pregnancy was just a trigger to release those emotions and tears of fear.
I've had the counselling and continue with it. I know that the grief of losing my own fertility will never quite leave me. And that's ok. I'm not fighting it. Therapy doesn't eliminate grief, it teaches you to cope and live your life in a new light. I can even see a sort of beauty in all this mess. If you lost a loved on, you'd grieve and maybe even seek therapy to help process it. But you wouldn't want to lose the grief entirely. You want to remember, but be ok with it.
I guess what I'm saying is that 'It just is what it is' and I needed to have a moan (to people who understand and aren't a therapist 😉). But now you've given me an idea on how to cope even better. More pets!! DH will love it hahah. Love that you have chickens. Nature and animals are the best xxx
Thanks so much for the link. This is really really helpful! So interesting to hear from somebody who has seen both sides of the coin, from a professional and personal experience. xxx
Hi Lillilly, I am using egg donors, after finding out past Feb I have POF and have no eggs left at 32. I sympathise with you so much and have had all those feelings. Im so sorry you’re feeling like this but using donor eggs doesn’t make you failure. In some ways it’s more of an achievement. I highly recommend you following definingmum - Becky on social media, she has massively helped me. When you see her with her children which she had through egg donation it makes you realise that it doesn’t matter its not her own eggs. Yes, generically they’re not “yours” but you would have grown them and looked after them. You are making that child with your heart, which is the beautiful thing. I know it’s a strange one to say but I’ve always said to myself, there’s always others that have it worse, be it terminally ill or in some other awful situation. Stay positive and strong, it will work some way or another. I feel for you so much as I am in exactly the same situation. Sending you a big hug xx
I am so sorry about your POF diagnosis. Nature can be weird and cruel sometimes. I admire your positivity in spite of it all. And you're right, I'm not a failure. Sometimes - in this instance pregnancy announcements - doubt/disappointment/fear creep to the surface. I completely agree with you in terms of keeping perspective: I have it so good and am so lucky compared to so many other people. Aside from a quirk with my eggs, my body is healthy which in this climate feels like an absolute privilege. Thanks for the Defining Mum recommendation. I am going to check her out! Power to us both. We'll get there xxx
I completely agree with the other comments. I have all those feelings too, like a feeling of loss on a massive scale. Probably one of the most difficult decisions we will ever have to make. It can take ages to get your head around it, and unless you're in the thick of it, I can't be bothered to explain it to other people. I've told three close friends, and I don't plan on telling anyone apart from the child, if it happens. It will have my flesh and blood and everything else. Definitely attitudes will change. I have been speaking to nurses doing my scans etc in the UK and they tell me there are so many like me going abroad for donor eggs, even during the pandemic, even from around my wee area. Thats' nice to hear we are not alone! My friend tells me she knows of several children from donor's that are in her kids school. Families are much different than they were years ago, were all blended and mixed and talk more openly about adopted children etc. You will have your own child one day that will be 100% yours. If anyone makes you feel sad - move on from them. This is your life and not theirs. Sending you a big hug too, xx
The loss is awful and I know what you mean. I sought counselling when I first found out I couldn't have my own genetic children and I continued with therapy as it helped me navigate the grief of the loss. I do actually feel fine with using donor eggs, its those wobbly moments which I don't realise are wobbly until afterwards - like now. Reading through your reply and the other gals on here has helped remind me of that. And I love the bit you said about how we're all so blended now anyway. So true!Thank you for your lovely supportive words. xxx
Oh hun, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. Having a miscarriage is terrible and makes you feel so alone, I know that feeling as I lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks last March. I am now pregnant with egg donor, and I’m sorry to hear you have all those negative feeling about your egg donor embie ❤️
Moving to egg donation is never a choice for a woman, its a courageous step to realise a dream ❤️
The furthest you can be from being a failure!!!! It means you have fought and fought and fought, injection after injection, tears after tears, strained your body, mind and feelings.... and yet you’re not giving up!!!!
At the beginning when I thought about egg donation I was like ‘nah,not for me’ quite categorically....then I read about it, I spoke to people who now have their beautiful babies...and I thought, cmon it’s just a limit that I am setting to myself! Open your mind and move forward!!!!
I will carry the baby, my blood will be his/hers, I will activate his/her DNA genes, I will give birth and love him/her since that positive pregnancy test....so I AM THE MOTHER. Nobody else!
Do you think someone who has a heart transplant, or lung or even blood....is a failure? Does needing help make you less worthy???
It does not ❤️
Take a deep breath, look after your beautiful self, eat well and go into your FET with hope ❤️🤞🏻You’re a warrior and you deserve your happiness!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️Your baby is waiting for you ❤️
We all have different paths in life, we make different choices, we have different ideas, and in the world we live now it’s hard not to compare our journey to others....
But remember: not everything we see or we are told is really how it is.....maybe that friend who’s announcing her second pregnancy didn’t really want it at that time, or maybe has gone through hurdles in silence to get there....or maybe she had to give up her dream job for it....you never know.
We should concentrate on our journey, make decisions on what’s best for us....people will always give us their two pennies (often when not requested!) and will judge us.....don’t listen, it’s not important.
You are important ❤️Your dream is ❤️
I’m sending you all my love and light ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
Yay to such a wonderful message. I am so happy you have your baby on board. Totally needed an exciting pregnancy announcement like that. (Err, not saying other pregnancy announcements aren't thrilling...crud, you know what i mean).I'm so glad you reminded me that we are creating these lives with our own bodies. The donation aspect is significant, for sure, but we grow and nurture them through gestation and beyond. I also appreciate you pointing out the other perspective, that everybody has their own struggles with fertility/pregnancy which I will be unaware of. It's too easy to forget that we're all battling something in our lives. Thank you for your lovely encouraging words. xxx
Oh sweetheart... this so touched a nerve for me. I am a donor egg Mummy and I am soon to have another FET for a sibling for my gorgeous almost 3 year old daughter.
I also had a miscarriage in October. I think the guilt when this happens is harder to bear because of the multiple people involved. I joked with my husband it was like a relay and that I didn’t want to be the one to drop the baton! But these things happen... IVF is hard but the yearning to have another beautiful baby keeps me going and trying again...
As for the shame of being a “donor egg mummy” let me try and change this for you.... when I was in my 20’s I had a daughter conceived naturally, my relationship broke down and I was a single Mum for many years until I met my husband who is older than myself and childless. I was 36 and he was 46 we tried and failed to conceive and it transpired that I had two hydrosalpynx in both tubes and Very low ovarian reserve. We were told after a few cycles to consider donor eggs... I cried.. I was mortified... ashamed... felt incomplete as a woman and then I realised that the important thing for us was a baby, a child to complete our family. My older daughter was now 19 so there was a big gap!
I can honestly say I love my daughters equally, the love is the same. In fact I might say I have a very close bond with my “gifted” egg baby
I had a lovely pregnancy, I breastfed her and I love her so very much and no differently to my first daughter. It feels entirely the same. The struggle to be a Mummy again makes me appreciate every moment with her and I would love to hug our donor for what she has done for us. She must be an amazing woman and I know that my little girl is the offspring of such a generous heart.
Do not feel ashamed... I know about the thoughtless things people say.. more through ignorance than anything.. friends have asked “ when will she meet her real Mummy?!!” Truth is I am her real Mummy, I gave birth to her, fed her and will raise her and I am honoured to do this. Her biological Mummy will meet her when she is 18 ( if she wants to) and I hope that they become great friends.
I also hope I get the chance to thank her personally for her selfless act she has also been back to clinic and donated again for us to create a sibling she is truly amazing and we are forever grateful.
Good luck with everything you are right it is a lonely journey feel free to message me if you need to talk about anything xxx
SillyCluk, your name made me laugh! I am so grateful to hear about your girls and your love for them. It's warmed my heart to no end. I am so sorry for your miscarriage. You're a remarkable person for going through that and still having so much positivity and love to keep going. The relay baton analogy is perfect, I know what you mean. What really touched me about your message is the gratitude you have towards your donor. So wonderful. I want to feel that way about our donor, and I did, but I'm conflicted because it recently transpired that she lied on her health questionnaire about something rather significant. We spent a lot of money to ensure we only used a donor who knew what she was letting herself into, wasn't suffering financial hardship which would have motivated her to donate. I don't blame donors for wanting some compensation - totally fine with that. Also, we wanted open donation so the children could contact her if they so choose to. But this health thing she withheld tainted my admiration for her slightly. More than slightly. We wouldn't have chosen her as a donor had we known and she probably wouldn't have been accepted by any clinic. We chose her because she was happy to donate again for a sibling if this worked. Obviously we need to wait and see how this transfer goes, but I'm sure I'd feel conflicted in the future if it came to asking her again. Sorry, I'm moaning again! There's so much coming out right now which I don't quite understand because I was super excited and positive just 2 days ago. Silly brain playing tricks with my heart. But your message has really lifted my spirits again and I am just so grateful to you and the other lovely gals on here. xxx
Really glad, I was able to make you feel better, it is not an easy journey that is for sure and it sounds like the omission of health information has shaken your trust and that is quite understandable. our clinic found and vetted our donor I know very little about her apart from she is a similar colouring height and weight to me. Anyway, one thing I do know now is not the time to focus on the donor she by now has played her part it is now all about you and your baby.
Think positively but realistically you can do this, whatever happens.. it is all part of the same journey to your little one, however many twists and turns that takes.
All the overthinking and down days I put down to the drugs they certainly don’t help! Wishing you all the best for Wednesday I will certainly be keeping everything crossed for you!! xxx
Ps glad my name made you laugh!! It is meant to! I should be more serious more of the time but life is far too short!!
Thank you all. Your words of support and comfort have literally turned my frown upside down. I finished work and was still feeling a bit blue, but was determined to focus on the positive. I don't want to go to my FET with this cloud hanging over me. My embie and I are going to start this journey with a love because we both deserve it. Then I read these wonderful inspiring messages and feeling positive again was so easy! Maybe it's normal to have doubts and fears before a DE FET or own egg FET for that matter, after a miscarriage. It's a numbers and guessing game and I'm not a betting person. Truly, you've helped restore/remind me of just how much I am looking forward to this and meeting my little miracle.
Love and success to you all, you wonderful superwomen xxx
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