Utterly heartbroken *sensitive post*

[Kitty230515]

Sorry it’s the middle of the night and for the long post, but I can’t sleep and I thought it might help come to terms with what happened today/yesterday if I wrote things down.

So yesterday 9/03/2020 was our viability scan.

We went with such Hope, we’d had a strong positive pregnancy, was starting to get strong pregnancy symptoms and nothing other then my own anxiety to say that something wasn’t right. (This time round my anxiety was always going to be stronger as we had a MMC previous pregnancy)

I knew something was wrong as the nurse, said she just wanted to get a 2nd opinion from the consultant. I knew then that this was not going to have the outcome we’d been hoping and praying for.

They couldn’t find anything when they scanned me. They called it a pregnancy of unknown location. All these new terms which I never heard of before.

They think they may have been able to see a yolk sac, but they weren’t sure if that was scar tissue from my adenomyosis and previous surgeries I’ve had to remove it, but they aren’t 100% sure so they can’t rule out an ectopic pregnancy.

So they took bloods, and said that they would call today with the results and talk over what happens next.

They said they couldn’t go into more detail on what will happen now until they have the blood results.

I’m just feeling completely lost and completely empty, and my stupid body is still showing all signs of pregnancy. My boobs are hurting and I’m still feeling sick, and still peeing constantly.

Why is this process so cruel?

I know I’ll be ok eventually, but right now I just feel so empty and so numb and I can’t stop crying.

Cx

[Rainbowhope]

Kitty I'm so incredibly sorry for you. I wish i could say something to make your pain go away. Try and hold the hope until they tell you for sure but i know it's hard. ❤🙏🤞❤

[Kitty230515 in reply to Rainbowhope]

Thank you, and thank you for replying xx

[Rainbowhope in reply to Kitty230515]

These are the loneliest hours when your mind wont switch off and everyone else is asleep. Everything will feel worse in this moment. Try to remember how strong you are and how much you've achieved. You have to be single minded in your pursuit for a family. If it is bad news (I'm praying it's not) tomorrow just know you'll survive it and you'll go on to overcome all of this. You will have your baby. Keep holding on to that.

I wish I could be more help but right now all I can say is hold the hope and dont let ivf make you hate yourself or your body. ❤🙏

[Kitty230515 in reply to Rainbowhope]

It’s so hard not to blame myself or my body.

I’m so lucky my husband has been incredible today. I can see he’s hiding his own pain.

The only thing he’s getting cross with is me blaming myself for it.

I know deep down there is nothing I did, or could have done differently. MotherNature is just cruel sometimes.

I had a MMC last cycle and it went on for weeks, the medication didn’t work, nor did the 1st operation so I had to have a second. That’s playing on my mind as well.

I know I’ll be ok whatever the outcome. Just seems a long way off at the moment xx

[Hidden]

So sorry you are going through this, life is just so unfair. Sending you hugs, strength and courage to go through this stressful situation.

Please be kind to yourself, take all the time you need to grieve and come out of it stronger. Xx

[Kitty230515 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you my lovely. Xx

[Hidden in reply to Kitty230515]

Everything you are feeling right now is legitimate, allow yourself to feel it but don't drown in it. It's so hard, i am so sorry you are going through it. If you want to talk please don't hesitate to reach out

[Kitty230515 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you that’s really kind.

The kindness of strangers always amazes me on here xx

[Hidden in reply to Kitty230515]

Hugs sister, most of us have been there, I have been there several times.. I know how hard it can be

[amandac84]

I’m so sorry to read this lovely, nothing I can say will take away the pain but I wanted to send you my positive thoughts. It will hurt so much right now, and you wil come through but one day at a time and don’t be hard on yourself if you can xxx

[Hidden]

Sending love. So sorry to read your post. Take care of yourself xxx

[Italy300618]

I'm so sorry to hear this happened yesterday, you must both be devastated, please dont blame yourself, it is mother nature and its cruel and so unfair.

I can imagine last night was incredibly hard and no wonder you were up all hours. The worst is the unknown and awful to come away without knowing exactly what is happening. I hope everything is clarified for you today and I'm sending huge love and hugs to you xxxxx

[L400ynd]

Awwww sweetie. You poor girl. This process is very cruel indeed.

You have every right to feel lost and upset. It must be awful. Be kind to yourself.

I really don’t know what to say to help you. Just know we are all here for you if you need us.

Lots of love xxxxxxx

[WonderworldXx]

Kitty I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain and going through this right now. Those moments were you are alone with your thoughts are the worst in times like these. Please know that regardless of the outcome of the phone call today you will get through it. The process is so cruel, but you are strong. I’m sending positivity and strength your way. Please be kind to yourself Xx

[RhinoCat]

Awh Kitty 😫 you poor soul. Hopefully the bloods can confirm whatever is going on . So sorry your body is telling you one thing.... and the consultant telling something that seems like the opposite. 🤯😳

Cruel cruel journey . 😕

I’m sure you didn’t sleep a wink last night with all that going on. Try to take a nap today so that you can deal better with whatever is coming. Your poor heart,😘💖💐

Massive hugs,

Rhinocatx 💐💖

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, there are no words of wisdom that are going to make it easier. You are right things do get easier with time but thats little help now. I hope you get some clarity today and you can at least understand what is happening. Be kind to yourself and give yourself lots of TLC. sending you lots of love xx

[bms12]

Hi lovely how far along are you meant to be? Was your viability scan at 6 weeks? X

[Kitty230515 in reply to bms12]

6 weeks 4 days.

The consultant said that far gone they should have been able to see something. Xx

[bms12 in reply to Kitty230515]

I'm presuming they saw a gestational sac if they thought they could see the yolk sac?

[Kitty230515 in reply to bms12]

They were sure what they could see. They said they could see something which could potentially be the yolk sac but couldn’t be sure. As it also looked liked adenomyosis.

They didn’t really give much away, but said I needed to have bloods and continue my medication “just in case” and they would call with the outcome of the bloods with what happens next.

Xx

[bms12 in reply to Kitty230515]

Okay so things may be different BUT.. I had my scan at 6 weeks 1 day. Gestational sac looked completely empty. Nurse called the dr in and after some messing with the lighting they said the might see the yolk sac but not certain as it was right down low and tucked against my womb so could be scar tissue etc. They rebooked me for a week later at 7w1 and there was the yolk sac and embryo measuring fine. Hopefully this is the same for you as its only 3 days difference between the scans. Also there a lots of stories of people not seeing anything until 8 weeks! So please please don't rush a decision and insist on at least one more scan first x

[Kitty230515 in reply to bms12]

Thank you. That’s given me a little bit of hope xx

[Cinderella5]

Gosh I'm so sorry to see your update!! Absolutely heartbroken I'm sure is an understatement. Sending massive hugs!!xxx

[Lots8788]

Oh kitty I am so so sorry to hear this. Sending lots of love and hugs to you x so sorry x x

[Kitty230515]

Just got off the phone to the clinic, my bloods are looking good, so they are wanting to repeat them in a weeks time. I need to continue all my medication, but I need to be aware that it’s a strong chance that it is ectopic but they will know more in a week.

But if I have any pain or any kind of bleeding to call them straight away.

I’m even more lost now then what I was yesterday.

Thank you everyone on here for your kind words and support. You really all are an incredible bunch of people. I know each one of you are battling your own battles but still showed so much kindness.

Cxx

[Hidden]

It's so bloody gutting isn't it when you psyche yourself up expecting something to happen and look forward to it only to be told no it's not happening!

[Great123]

I feel your pain am sorry hope ull get the desire of ur heart God is the Great Physician

[affecting_meg]

Hi Kitty,

Can I just ask what's happened since? I've been in hospital since Tuesday now with a PUL and they're not sure what's happening. My HCG is going up so I'm confused. I think I'm 5 weeks pregnant.

Thanks,

Meg

[Kitty230515 in reply to affecting_meg]

Hi Meg, I’m so sorry to hear what’s you’re going though.

For me sadly it ended it miscarriage, I had to have weekly blood tests as my levels we’re dropping slightly each time, but once they went below 100 I was discharged from the clinic to wait for it to happen naturally, and to take a pregnancy test.

But my HCG was dropping, so fingers crossed as yours is going up that could be a good sign. :-)! I’ll keep fingers crossed for you.

Xxx