Partner going through IVf

[Wayne39]

Hi

I wondered if there’s any men on here who are going through IVF with there partner.

I find the man often gets forgotten and I often feel very alone. As it’s such a delicate subject it’s just not something I can talk about with my mates.

[OT87]

I am the male. We are at the start of the process, and agreed it is difficult to speak to others sometimes, so you are stuck with your own thoughts a lot of the time. It’s not really a topic a conversation for down the pub with the boys. But there must be an outlet - go for a run, clear your head or something similar. Don’t overthink everything - you’ll end up very stressed! 😫.

[Wayne39 in reply to OT87]

I agree it is isn’t and I’m already an avid runner doing marathons and running in excess of 40 miles a week.

But it would be nice to talk to people going through the same thing as me

[Blueskyyy]

Don’t overthink it.

Be positive and look forward, look always at the final result, in other words : you will be father !

May I ask you a question, what has made you go for for ivf ? What condition? And did it affect you or your partner?

Take care

[Wayne39 in reply to Blueskyyy]

Bit more complicated that that we have tried 3 times with 3 miscarriages.

My girlfriend had her tubes tied at 27 years old.

I desperately want children and now she had said she’s not doing it anymore. Now I’m faced with never being able to father a child if I stay in the relationship. It’s a terrible dilemma that’s causing lots of arguments and tension.

[Blueskyyy in reply to Wayne39]

I know how painful it is !

Especially if you love your partner, how old are you and your partner ?

[Solly-44]

Hi Wayne,

I agree that it can be a more difficult subject for men to talk through with their friends.

My partner seemed to take it all in his stride for our first 2 cycles and we fell into roles of me being the neurotic one 🙈 and him being the calm one. In retrospect I think he felt under a lot of pressure to keep it together for me, and he had a bit of a meltdown more recently. He has booked an appointment to see the counsellor at our clinic which I was surprised but so pleased by. Like OT87 said, Everyone needs an outlet so maybe that’s something you could consider?

[Wayne39 in reply to Solly-44]

Bit more complicated that that we have tried 3 times with 3 miscarriages.

My girlfriend had her tubes tied at 27 years old.

I desperately want children and now she had said she’s not doing it anymore. Now I’m faced with never being able to father a child if I stay in the relationship. It’s a terrible dilemma that’s causing lots of arguments and tension.

[Noodleone]

For what it’s worth I think it’s wonderful that you’re here and trying to connect. It’s such a different journey for both partners and it’s difficult to sometimes know how to connect when you are in the midst of it and having such different experiences. For our first cycles my partner has come to every scan and drs appointment and I think that has helped him because he feels involved and has space to ask questions and talk to the medical specialists - in turn I feel supported. He’s been really open about it with friends (male and female) when asked and it’s ended up bringing their experiences to the surface. This has been a huge help in terms of him feeling less alone. I’m surprised how many people go through this or something similar and you just never hear about it. Good luck with it!

[Wayne39 in reply to Noodleone]

My situation isn’t good my girlfriend had her tubes tied at 27 years old. We’ve now had 3 foes at IVF and she’s miscarried them all. She’s now saying she won’t go through it again. I can’t image going through life not having children. Can you see the situation I’m in!

[_MrsC in reply to Wayne39]

Hi Wayne. I think it’s only a decision you can try to find for yourself. It’s incredibly hard. We had two failed attempts and I said to my husband I couldn’t do it again. The drugs just ruined me physically and emotionally. As much as I wanted children and I did, I just knew I wanted to prioritise our marriage and being us again. We’re now looking into adoption. We’ve grieved the child we can’t create together and feel that we can offer love and support to a child who needs it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you might need to really focus on you and how you feel. There’s no right or wrong answer. Infertility is so desperately unfair to all involved. You just need to find your own path through it. I’m very blessed that my husband and I have stayed on the same path even though it’s heading in a different direction than one we originally planned. I wish you the best for finding your path.

[Nat246]

Hi Wayne I go to a fertility network support group in east London. Both men and women attend, as couples and alone, for any issues. They are the only people I really talk to about my problems and it’s so helpful. Google it to see if there’s a group near you.

[Solly-44 in reply to Nat246]

Ooh I never knew about this - just googled it because I’m in East London. Have you found it good? I might pop in to the next one x

[Nat246 in reply to Solly-44]

Hi Solly. Yes so useful! It’s the only place you feel people have any understanding, it’s in a pub and is an informal chat setting. But if you don’t feel able to talk then that’s fine too. I hope to see you there. My names Natalie.

[Wayne39 in reply to Nat246]

I’m not to far from east London where about is it?

[Nat246 in reply to Wayne39]

Leyton. Private message me if you’d like the organisers email address

[Cici85 in reply to Nat246]

Hi please I am interested in the group aswell. I live in east London

[Lynnr54]

What a horrible and tricky situation for you to be in. I’ve been through one miscarriage and that was hard enough. I can’t imagine going through 3. Just looking at it from your partner’s perspective for a second then the physical side of IVF is difficult enough let alone the emotional turmoil she (and you) must have gone though losing three babies I can understand why she wouldn’t want to put herself through that again. Have you been referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic and/or Tommy’s to see if you can find the reason for your miscarriages? If you can identify the issue and there is a solution such as additional meds that you can take then she may be more willing to give it another chance. The other thing you may want to consider is counselling and your clinic should be able to refer you to one. I know lots of couples find it particularly helpful in making the decision whether or not to try again.

If you do get to the point where she refuses to go through any more rounds then I can see you’re in a horrible situation. Would you consider any alternatives such as adoption to give you the family you want? Or if tests show that the problem is with either her eggs or your sperm (both of which can cause miscarriages) then would you consider using donor eggs or donor sperm, or even surrogacy?

[LunaLovegood11]

We go to a support group at our ivf clinic which is great, on the first go they separated the men and women and we all spoke to each other about how we’re doing. Perhaps your clinic offers something similar?

Sounds like you’re in a tough position and definitely need to talk it through...