Scared of 2nd cycle

[Jessy1280]

So scared to start my next cycle. I'm scared it'll fail again. I still can't understand why such a good embryo didn't implant when theres zilch wrong with me. Even the clinic were surprised and disappointed to see us back there. I'm so scared ill never ever be a mum, not even once. 😢 💔

I'm not sure im strong enough to face another failure. I've 2 good quality embies in the freezer from the first cycle but I'm hoping I can get to reach fresh transfer (if I don't get OHSS again). They're changing my protocol so hopefully that won't happen again.

I'm so anxious over it and wake feeling sick every day.... My stomach churning. I literally think of nothing else. Feeling like it's never going to happen for me. Starting to wonder if despite all my test results, is there actually something wrong. Why can't I get preggers like a normal person? I know my OH has poor motility but that is eliminated with ICSI so why didn't my embryo take? My OH doesn't understand my pain.

I'm so so scared it'll fail again. 😢 💔

[LunaLovegood11]

Aww it’s such a tough thing to go through. And nature can be very cruel with no reasoning at times. Wishing you the best of luck. To get this far you’ve been very strong xx

[Dream76]

Its normal to worry and get scared Jessy. But just think what are you going to get after worrying so much.... STRESS and that is not at alllll good. Concentrate on your next cycle, do everything you can...try your best.

I used to worry a lot, every cycle, and when it fail then crying, depressed, frustrated. But now I have realised that it will make things even more worst and will affect my daily life. And to be honest no one (friends, OH) won’t feel the way we feel.

So cheer up, its a new day. Live your present. Treat yourself. Wear something you like, go out. Distraction is good sometimes, takes our mind from worrying. Sending you hugs.

[Maeve88Troy]

Sending you one big hug! and i hope you never ever give up. It may be hard in the start but things will pay off once u get that BFP! just keep praying and remain optimistic about everything!

[Jessy1280]

Thanks everyone. I'm just scared because it just shows even with everything stacked in our favour it can fail. I'll never give it up but it is starting to put a huge strain on our relationship. I'm depressed all the time, it's my only topic of conversation whereas my OH is cool as a cucumber and says we'll try just again and again. X

[Kitcat12]

Bless you, it's such an intense and scary time. Just a little reassurance though that the better graded embryos aren't always the more successful. My 5AA fresh embryo transfer ended in early MC and my lower quality 4AB and 5BA double transfer has resulted in a pregnancy currently at 15 weeks. Try not to worry and best of luck x

[crisps88]

It will one day! This is just the first hurdle. You’ve been really “lucky” with your first round and done really well to get frozen so that’s a great positive.

Please look at the thousands of posts that it’s taken ladies five, eight, ten transfers and they’re finally getting their BFPs with or without top quality embryos. Ivf is so sooo hard and you’ve had a great first round. Keepnyour chin upxxx

[Bistbee]

It’s so normal to feel scared - you’ve experienced trauma from the first cycle not working and yet you’re having to pick yourself up and put yourself back into the same situation to try again. Your brain will try every self-protection method under the sun, including making you feel terrified of going through it.

Couple of things that have helped me overcome that same fear:

- the more you go through this process the better your odds become. Try not to focus on the stats or think about how much is in your favour or not because that’s not helpful. Stats are only an average so for all the stories of someone falling on the ‘right’ side of the stats, there’s still a load of people who don’t but for whom this process still worked. It’s not as black and white as if you fall in the stats it works and if you fall out of one particular stat then it’s never going to work - this is a total lottery so you have to be in it to win it and the more times you do it your odds do get better.

- make self care a total priority, whatever it is that makes you feel better, even just for a fleeting moment, prioritise doing as many of those things possible -

time with supportive friends, spa days, weekend away, eating in nice restaurants, going for walks, exercise - whatever it is for you. The more moments of joy you can get back in your life, the less time time there is for the fear to take hold.

- Try not to compare your journey with others. It’s so helpful to know others are going through ivf too so you don’t feel lonely in terms of having that support network, and some people do find success stories inspiring to give hope, but ultimately all of us on this path are there for different reasons, our bodies are different and what works for one couple might not be the right thing for another, but that does not mean you won’t have success too, just that you have to find a slightly different path to reach your goal. Just because one person has a success doesn’t take away that you will have success too.

- Spend time with your partner doing something you both enjoyed before ttc & ivf became all consuming. Regular date nights where ivf talk is banned has really helped me and my husband reconnect and remember we are already a little family unit and not lacking in any way.

- Find your tribe of supporters, whether that friends, family, colleagues, counsellor or online support. Ideally a mix of all of those so that not matter where you are there’s someone who is thinking of you and you know you’re not alone.

And take something from the fact that you got through this once before, you got through the appointments, the injections, the procedures, the emotional rollercoaster of highs and low - and through all of that you are still here, showing up every day. Take heart in knowing that the resilience in you is building and that you are demonstrating true strength by even considering trying again, let alone walking into that clinic and doing it. You can do this x

[Hope4usall]

Unfortunately it happens when it just doesn't work despite the embryo looking good quality. Don't loose hope. You've got this. Keep focusing on your dream and if you keep going I'm sure it will happen. I understand about not being able to focus on anything else. I am the same, and when we want it so badly it's hard to distract ourselves from that. You still have two left. Give it another shot when you are ready. Pull all that strength from within you and plough on. Maybe try some counselling, yoga, mindfulness, things to help you relax and allow you to have some 'me ' time. Hopefully you've got understanding friends and family you can off load and have a cry to, that alway helps me. We're all here for you, good luck xxx

[Jessy1280]

Thanks so much everyone. Find it hard when my oh isn't supportive and even my own mother has said (following 1 failed FET) that I may have to accept I'll never be a mum. That was a huge blow hearing that when really I need to hear that it will happen. X

[Dreamingofbaby]

Heya u. Sounds like we in a similar situation as while nurses and consultant always says there should be no reason why shouldn’t conceive through ICSI we too have had negatives and two losses. We can all relate and is hard but all can do is try stay hopeful and positive that it can happen.

Keep going a. Know we can all understand in a lot of ways and can support each other through this tough journey. Big hugs xxx

[Jessy1280 in reply to Dreamingofbaby]

It's the worst pain in the world isn't it. My heart is literally breaking every second of every single day. I've never been pregnant before and despite all the tests I've had, I'm not convinced Im able to get pregnant. When I next go to clinic I'm going to try to persuade them to run more tests. I'm becoming paranoid that I've got blocked tubes, low progesterone or something. I'm scared I'm going to run out of time or money too. I'm terrified of it failing again. I know we're all in the same boat but I feel like I'm losing my mind even after 1 cycle x

[Dreamingofbaby in reply to Jessy1280]

It is so painful indeed. It early days hun many do not get pregnant first time and round. Takes some of us a few rounds but there are some amazing success stories here. No reason why can’t be same for u too. Try stay hopeful and strong. As said it a supportive community here so know we here. Counselling may help too Take care hun xx