Self preservation in the midst of pure heart break.

[Faith27]

With a heavy, heavy heart I'm writing this sat in my old 'teenage' bedroom at my parents. At the grand old age of 27 its fair to say that the TTC journey has impacted just about every part of me, my partner and our life. The time has finally come for us to call it a day and try to get back to the people we once were, alone.

All to often especially at a young age, we're told to just relax.. it will happen, you just need to have some patience. Well unfortunately for some, this hell of a journey which should have been the most exciting, best time of our lives has turned out to be the worse experience and full of difficult conversations, worry, salvaging, and decision making.

I can honestly say that we tried our hardest. I probably more than him, tried my very best. I wasn't the loopy TTC lady that I would have hated to be - the lady you could assume may help to cause a relationship breakdown of this kind with men and women being so very different. I never temped with thermometers, only once or twice tried ovulation sticks and hardly ever tested. I thought I was able to keep things afloat and maintain our once perfect relationship. That's what makes this all the harder to accept.

We honestly had it all. It would have been 10 years together this summer, we have lived together for 5 years and with plenty of fun and laughter we hardly ever argued. The time we decided to try for a baby was over 2 years ago and as I say, it should have been filled with excitement and joy- which is was for the first 8 to 12 months.

As I say, we hardly ever argued. The last 5 week's has been the hardest of my life with the past year not being us at our best. Us both eventually questioning our happiness, our purpose, our relationship.

I'm not after your pitty but I just want to say to never under estimate what anyone is going through. Whether you have been trying for 6 months, a year, 2 years or a lifetime. It's bloody hard and I'm sure I don't have to tell you that! Not every one gets through it together and sometimes you have to just accept that things just weren't meant to be.

I'm due an operation to check for endo shortly and I'm petrified at doing all of this alone. I have an amazing family and friends but it feels like I'm the loneliest person in the world right now.

I know I'll get through it and time will help. I just wanted to send you all some well wishes and acknowledge how god awful the 'best time of our life' can actually be.

I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason and hopefully I'll get some answers after my op but for now, look after yourselves and more importantly look after eachother. I was willing to shut down this entire TTC journey for love but sometimes love really isn't enough.

Xxxxx

[GiantPanda]

So sorry you're feeling like this. I know on some levels exactly how you're feeling. You are still generous enough to send a message of encouragement to the rest of us. I hope your operation goes well and you can start to feel more positive soon. You sound very strong. X

[Faith27 in reply to GiantPanda]

Thank you lovely. I feel we have completely lost ourselves during this process and we need to put all of this aside and find happiness in life again. A baby added to the mix right now isn't the right thing with many other things including little support being added to the equation. We're both two very happy people and this has had a huge impact. I'm trying so very hard to be strong and I'm sure I'll be feeling more positive soon. Thank you xxx

[Leesara]

Goodness Faith27. I’ve just read your post and I’m so sorry. TTC is never ever an easy journey but to hear it ended your relationship is terribly sad. I really am sorry. When is your op planned? Have you even had a moment to think or decide what your next steps will be, or just taking some time? X

[Faith27 in reply to Leesara]

Thank you so much for your message Leesara xx My op is planned for end of May so I have a good few weeks now to sort myself out and think about all of the practical matters (house etc) in a couple of weeks. There is no going back this time and I've got to accept that! You need both people to 100% be in it and to support eachother to make this work and sadly that wasn't the case anymore. Next steps are to focus on myself; I'm normally such a bubbly happy confident person and I can't help but feel a bit battered and bruised! I need to focus on the op, to ensure this goes ahead and then try to find myself again xx

[Leesara in reply to Faith27]

You’re right Faith27, it’s best when both are 100% on board. Full admiration for your resilience, I’m rally quite ataken back. New directions or new beginnings are always a good way to focus on finding yourself, learning and growing. Maybe yoga (it’s not for me!), swimming or spring walks. Easier said than done possibly, but keeping active will help u to be positive too

I don’t know if your op is a lap or whether you have had one before?

[Faith27 in reply to Leesara]

Thanks lovely. Just had a nap (it was a 2am in the midst of the night type break up) and I'm blown away with all the kind comments on here!!

I've recently bought an exercise bike so that's where my heads going to be at as soon as I gather it from the house. Today was just taking the essentials. We separated 2 weeks ago on my actual birthday but I was sure I could do things to make it work and I tried my absolute hardest. It was clear that even my best wasn't good enough and in the situation, I feel someone, even when they may be having a tough time, should know if they want to spend their life with you or not. He didn't and so I took away the decision. 5 weeks of uncertainty has taken its toll and it was starting to make me wonder if I was good enough and doubt myself which is no good for anyone especially during this process. It's going to be a tough road ahead but deep down I know we couldn't have done anymore xx

This lap is my first one. I've had on op when I was small but never as an adult! They believe it to be endometriosis or tubal issues. Hope things with you are in a positive place! Xx

[Southeast28]

I’m so sorry to read that this has caused you to go your separate ways. None of us know where this path will lead us, but I have a lot of respect for you for making that decision amongst an incredibly tough time.

I hope that with time you will be able to find your happiness again and return to the person you once were.

Wish you lots of luck xxx

[Faith27 in reply to Southeast28]

Thank you so so much. I'm blown away by all the comments and kind words. It certainly wasn't a path that I was expecting and you're right that no one knows where it will take us. Lots of luck for you too, whatever your situation xxx

[Hidden]

I am sorry to read this and yes you are right love isn’t always the bond that can hold things together.... I myself am questioning all we have it’s a very very hard road to travel and even the strongest doesn’t always survive this journey.

Be kind to yourself take time out and heal yourself x

[Faith27 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks lovely. Your definitely right with what you have shared. It's all unbelievable really. I hope yourself and your partner manage to get through it. We had IVF potentially to come and with the position our relationship had become It would have been like delving further into the unknown but with the possibility of a child involved. I can't do that to myself or to him. It's been a bit of a downward slope unfortunately and his doubt had made me doubt and that's not good. Good luck for whatever your situation and the future holds for you too xxx

[Hidden in reply to Faith27]

💖

[Lots8788]

So sorry to read this. sending you lots of love and hugs xx take care of yourself x

[Faith27 in reply to Lots8788]

Thank you so much xxx

[Franco81]

I am so terribly sorry to read this post, my heart is breaking for you.

This dreadful situation we find ourselves in really can change us and I’m so sorry that’s it’s broken down your relationship. I’m not going to say it wasn’t meant to be or any other cliche, it really is so unfair that some of us are tested to this level and you’re allowed to feel that.

All I can offer is that we will always be here for you with understanding and support. Lean on your family and friends and take a day at a time until you realise you are moving forward. You still have time to reach your dream, and one day you’ll be full of happiness again.

Look after yourself xxx

[Faith27 in reply to Franco81]

That is such a lovely lovely message - honestly thank you. Your comments are exactly how I feel; it is so unfair that some of us are tested to this level. It really is heartbreaking. I honestly think that if we had got our wish around the year to 18 month Mark, we would be the happiest couple alive right now. We were so ready for it. As time went on, we weren't even sure if we were ready for 'us'. So very sad!!!! Thank you for your words of positivity, I have an amazing family, I really do. Friends, I have a lot too but I'm not quite ready yet to lean on them, but I will when I can get the words out without choking up!!

Deep down I honestly know this was the right decision for me and for us because of how he was feeling. The excitement, enjoyment and care had been taken away and with all to come, we just weren't ready. Xxx

[Franco81 in reply to Faith27]

That must have been such a difficult decision for you both. I hope you realise how strong you are and with support you will be happy again xx

[Faith27 in reply to Franco81]

Thank you ❤❤

[Tigr]

I am so sorry! Most people here will know how much of a strain this journey is for a relationship and the usual ups and downs in a relationship can be so much heavier and you question everything you have and you want. Have your family and friends supporting you, give yourself time to grieve and be yourself again and I wish you all the best. Hope your endo test goes well.

[Faith27 in reply to Tigr]

Thank you lovely. I honestly cannot believe just how much it impacts a relationship!! Mainly what goes on under the surface. As two positive people, I guess we changed as the time went on and it's all just come to a head as we cope with things in completely different ways (as men and women normally do!). It's not anyone's fault really but the effort on his side sadly wasn't there and he lost the will to even try to get us back on track. I've now lost the will and so we're fighting a battle that's already been lost. Thanks for your well wishes xxx

[Kilk22]

Faith27, I can understand completely what your going through, as I am too going through the very same situation. It’s the most lonelines place possible...and you literally think, how did I end up here? I didn’t really have any support from my partner from the get go last year, even tho there was male factor too, he couldnt deal with it. I literally did everything like you, down to swapping plastic bottles to glass...you name it , I did it. He just tagged along for the sake of it and it ripped my heart out he wasn’t in to it at all. I know you might roll your eyes to heaven but been 27, you still could find your happy ever after, whether that involves children or not, who knows? I’m 10 years older than you and the thoughts of ‘starting again’ doesn’t appeal to me at all. I know I’m not old and could find love again but I’ve decided to go it alone now. My desire to be a Mam is way too strong. My amh is very low and high fsh so going it alone might not even be an option for me, but I’m going to think positive...something my partner would always drain from me as he was constantly negative. You will find yourself again and I wish you well with your op and your future. Your stronger than you think xxx

[Tigr in reply to Kilk22]

Mine was not into it at all when it started being diffult. He would refuse sex when around ovulation time as this was being too technical for him and took the fun out. He went through a Tese and when the doctors told us they did not find any sperm and asked when we wanna go through with donor sperm he corrected them to "if". He did not wanted to talk about it and did not want me to talk to anyone and said stupid things like if we split up and the baby is not biologically his, I can keep it. Adoption is completey off limits for him. He refused to discuss any what if scenarios before our wedding. I did understand (after a lot of loneliness and getting too drunk) that this was him processing things that were very hard for him. After I have been pushing things forward mostly on my own (and the doctors nudged him because of my age), we finally started the fertility treatments after 2 years and he started wanting to come to appointments now. I am still not sure if he really wants a kid under the given circumstances but he has understood that if he wants to be with me this is what will need to happen. I made peace with it knowing I'd do the same stuff I am doing now if we would split up. There is a chance that all goes well and he loves the baby once it is more real (moves, is born) and this would be amazing. If it does not happen, I'd be in the same situation as if we'd split up now, so I decided to give it a go. But yeah, the last year was pretty terrible and I was close to leaving and it is still far from being stable. We are both trying. It is hard and really, everybody who gets through these times without major shake-ups of their relationship, I am incredible impressed. Let me know if you found out a way to do this! Sending you love and energy!

[Faith27 in reply to Tigr]

Oh my gosh Tigr it sounds like there is a lot going on for you. I really hope you manage to find a way through all of this and are able to support eachother in the ways you feel you would like to be supported. We're all here if you need to talk about anything xxx

[Tigr in reply to Faith27]

Awww thanks so much! Am doing fine now. Somehow rationalising and actually starting treatment has made me so much calmer about it. Just don't ever lose hope. You will find a way to have kids!

[Kilk22 in reply to Tigr]

my partner was the very same when it came to ovulation time...I tried everything from not mentioning it (although he’d knew by me it was the ‘good times’) to trying to make it fun but he’d freeze and nearly forced it and often couldn’t finish. It brought me to so many tears I’ve lost count. He just didn’t get how frustrating and upsetting it was for me...it was like another month wasted. But looking back now, there was no way it was going to happen as we were both so so stressed at the time...prob still were up until few weeks back. Then I think everything happens for a reason and we were just not meant to be. It’s not something that’s spoke about too often...the affect it has on relationships and the complete break up of them too. I’m sure there so many women that can relate to everything we’ve wrote here. I’m so glad for you tiger that ye worked through it...good on ye 💪🏼 It must have been a huge blow for both of ye. But I can almost bet your hubby will be filled with so much joy when he holds that little miracle. Xxx wishing ye every success in the world. X

[Tigr in reply to Kilk22]

Thanks so much! We will see what time brings. There is no right and wrong and so many decisions and so many things we cannot control. I just know it will be alright in the end, we just make it right whatever that means. I do believe there is not just one way to happiness All the best on your journey!

[Kitcat12]

😞 very honest post. It's so very tough going through this and even the strongest relationships can buckle under the strain. Look after yourself lovely x

[Faith27 in reply to Kitcat12]

Thank you! I was hesitant to write anything to be honest and didn't know what the hell was going to come out but I'm so so glad I did. I wasn't sure if people would understand and the comments have been just what I needed to hear. Thanks for your well wishes and good luck for whatever your situation may be xxx

[Kitcat12 in reply to Faith27]

Sometimes it helps your own state of mind just to write it down, and get some stuff off your chest!

[Faith27 in reply to Kitcat12]

It's surprising how much it helps. I was choked the whole way through but so glad I managed to get something into words. Xx

[Itsalongjourney26]

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Just private mail if you ever need to talk xx

[Faith27 in reply to Itsalongjourney26]

Thank you ❤❤ xx

[Kilk22]

I suppose no one knows what’s around the corner for any of us. I’ve learned we have to just take one day at a time and what will be will be, but I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna go down without a fight. I’m very much like you too...I need a plan...I’m happy when I have a plan, a b and c etc...ha. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. We were together 5 years and just got engaged last summer. I was with previous ex for 8 years so I understand the total shock to the system after such a long time. Trust me though, you WILL move on. I was adopted myself. I Had the best upbringing I could ever have wanted so if I have to go that route too, I will. I just hope and pray to god I get a good shot at carrying my own first. X thanks for your kind words and thanks for your initial post. Your so brave. Xx

[Faith27 in reply to Kilk22]

Aww so sorry to hear all that you have been through too. I honestly don't think people talk enough about it. Relationship breakdowns must be so common in this situation. It just magnifies people's insecurities and creates insecurities and issues that you never thought your relationship had!!

I'm always happy with a plan so right now, having no plan is sending me into a bit of a meltdown but I'm trying to be kind to myself and as you say, a long term relationship breakdown is a huge shock to the system, even when you may have seen it slowly coming

I'm glad to hear that you had the best upbringing! I would have never thought that I'd be open to adoption but along this journey you grow and begin to accept that 'normal' isn't always the be all and end all. Thay being said, my partner only wanted our OWN children and while I was trying to gauge the situation, having random conversations, it was clear that donors or surrogacy or adoption or anything else just wouldn't work. I always figured that for some people, until they get to that stage they can't always be open to other options but for me I guess it was a big blow that we were also going to face those difficulties down the line if the normal route wasn't possible. It's so tough isn't it but it's clearly just not meant to be. It's actually no one's fault, it's quite sadly just the cards we were dealt.

I wish you the best of luck for the future!! Thank you for sharing your personal situation with me xx

[Kilk22 in reply to Faith27]

It’s a huge shock for sure. You def def need to be kind to yourself and do things that make YOU happy, no matter what they are. It doesn’t matter if you saw it coming (I saw mine coming for two years with my 8 year ex) it’s still raw. You have a plan hun...your going to have this op and then suss stuff after that. You’ve got this 💪🏼😉 I remember someone telling me before and it’s so true. A breakup is similar to a death, they might be still alive but your still grieving for what’s been lost. So take your time and grieve until your ready x x

I hope we can all come back down the road with our little miracles and chat again . Best best wishes hun x

[Faith27 in reply to Kilk22]

Your message made me smile! You're so right. I do have a plan and I have got this. It definitely is a grieving process when it's such a long time you have been together.

I'd love to hear how you're getting on in the future. Best of luck to you too. Thank you so much xx

[Drives]

Just read your post and I'm so sorry. Not really sure what to say other than I'm sending you lots of love and I hope your OP goes well.

Thinking of you x x x x

[Faith27 in reply to Drives]

Thank you so much ❤ xx

[Core]

So sorry to read this, sounds like you are an incredibly brave person. Good luck with your operation xx

[Faith27 in reply to Core]

Thank you for your kind words! Wishing you the best of luck too xx

[Rehanat]

Oh no!!!! I’m so sorry to hear that- I’ve replied to some of ur posts.... ttc is so hard and puts a strain on relationships, my partner & I had it too and to save us we decided we would stop trying so hard and timing etc and it was only then after a few months it happened naturally for us.

I pray u get some answers with ur op xxx