I was wondering how people deal with well meaning relatives who manage to constantly give unwanted, unprovoked, unhelpful and patronising advice during this process? I’m desperately trying not to lose my temper and launch a bunch of expletives at them. But how do you respond and how do you get them to stop?
Aw, you know I’d never contemplated changing my diet, trying different positions, checking when I ovulate, lying down afterwards, reading some articles.... never occurred to me just thought IVF sounded like great fun obviously...... it’s my husband’s family so I can’t say that and he’s not doing anything about it. 🙄
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Fingerscrossed34
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Oh yes! I know the feeling! I try not to talk about it with people who I don’t find supportive now. I tried to be open with family etc at the start but these days I just say we’re under the medics and doing all advised so that’s it. If they push I say I don’t want to talk about it. I found even my own family were driving me nuts so everyone is on a ‘I’ll tell you when there’s news’ system. I think unless you’ve been through it, or someone close to you has, you really don’t get it! X
That’s very very true!! We tried I don’t want to talk about it but that didn’t seem to work they don’t give up. I like the “we’re under medical advice” statement I could use that in a slightly passive aggressive way and probably get away with it! 😂
Yes, I’ve seen it from the other side as one of my brothers also went through ivf and I know his wife found our family difficult to deal with! I think family don’t appreciate how long everything takes and how few answers there are in the process - they expect updates and and answers all the time. I’ve told fam that the best way they can support me is to give me space and I’ll tell them when there’s news. There’s not an easy answer to managing people and it is different at different times though I think! Good luck! X
Yes it absolutely varies. That’s a good answer to try I’ll give it a go. These are people we rarely see but now want involved in such a difficult experience so it annoys me more. A very diplomatic answer to give I like it! x
I think if it’s your husbands family I would ask your husband to speak with them to say it makes you feel uncormfortable. It would be better coming from him and it’s not a negative thing. It just helps everyone feel more at ease when your on the same page - good luck x
Yeah he tried that at the start told them the situation so they’d stop asking me if I was pregnant and making me cry. He told them we didn’t want to discuss it but they kept coming at us still so he tried being honest and saying it’s really horrible and depressing and yeah they still keep coming. Nothing seems to shut them up. I struggle with people’s questions in general but particularly his family. I don’t hide my feelings on my face well and struggle to lie and pretend I enjoy their advice. His cousin also fell pregnant almost instantly and won’t stop talking about her perfect baby in front of us. She’s the main provider of advice because obviously it was just so easy for her we must be doing something wrong and then offered to do a family wip round for us to go private today and said she’ happily donate (she lives off her parents money). Well meaning but patronising and totally missed the point of what he’d said to her again. I Talked to his mum about it to see if she’d help but she puts it down to his cousins “baby brain”. They really are a riot! I think we’re going to have to say no to family events on that side for a while till they maybe get the hint.
I’m sorry to say that I take a pretty fine line with these kind of things these days. Well meaning or not, I try to avoid people who I find upsetting/desperately keen to give advice etc. I truly believe that the preservation of your own mental health is more important than keeping the peace.
I would try and speak to your husband to see if he can chat to them and let them know how upsetting it is. Good luck xx
He’s tried a few different options she doesn’t seem to get that she only knows about this because we wanted her to stop assuming I’m pregnant all the time and hoped she’d shut up. I agree our mental health is most important so might have to tell my mother in law we won’t be doing family events for a while. x
That would be my advice too 😉 seems you've tried a couple of different ways and it's so important to look after yourself. Don't be afraid to put yourself first x
....I get that ALL the time....oh and “did you hear about her newborn?” “Oh she got pregnant in one month!”
Drives me insane.
I am dealing with it by restricting who I tell about new cycles. Only close family and friends only. I have also deleted FB from my phone. Feels so much better...☺️
I’ve thought about deleting it a few times! Yeah they don’t know details about when we’re doing cycles etc. He just told her we’re going for IVF because they all kept asking me if I was pregnant/when would I be pregnant and throwing their easily conceived newborns at me while telling me it would be me soon enough. But telling people hasn’t helped in most cases because those questions have just been replaced with unhelpful advice and daft comments. Definitely wouldn’t want anyone knowing when we have a cycle too much pressure! x
At the moment as we are so close to starting ivf in a week and a half all i keep getting ppl say is stay positive your time will come and as its like im hearing it on a loop it is really starting to irritate me i told some one the other day i didn't want to talk about it they apologised then 5min later started talking about it again 🤨
Drives me mad as if staying positive is just that easy like flicking the positive switch! It takes a lot of work. The best people I have told don’t bring it up, they let me bring it up if I want to and they show interest and empathy but don’t offer advice or bring it up unexpectedly. But there’s few of them. Your time will come drives me mad too! All really hard work. I wish people could understand that sometimes their actions make this whole thing harder. x
I do have one friend who has been through it herself who said to me i don't talk to you about it unless you bring it up cos i remember what it was like but another friend who struggled she has been supportive but sometimes she goes on about it too much but since ive said something she has stopped but the other day when i found out my best friend was 4 months pregnant she phoned me in minutes to check how i was cos she knew how i would be feeling
Sounds like two perfect friends. I have two go to friends both have kids, one has so many friends so there’s nothing she hasn’t heard before and she can help me by telling me other people’s experiences. The other does a lot of empathising and making me laugh but also talks about her own kids and babies a bit too much sometimes. I know they’ll both be there for me however I need them. Another close friend compared my experience to the 4 months it took her to conceive her first child and then backtracked very suddenly when I flipped about it..... such a crazy position to be in when people really don’t get it. Just admit you don’t understand but offer support! Sounds like you have great support I think that’s good to focus on too. x
Ah the good old “isn’t it time you had a baby” “you two not pregnant yet, you’re gonna have to hurry up” conversations. I just politely smile and say yeah well one day you never know while inside I was imagining smashing their face repeatedly into the sausage rolls.
I wish I had the perfect answer too, although I think it would be hilarious to say... I think we must be doing it wrong, how many times did you have sex when trying and what positions did you try, which one do you think made you pregnant... ah I’m sorry, is this too much am I making you uncomfortable? Welcome to my world!
I’ve had the same thoughts!! I tried saying oh we’re waiting till we get our house but then we got our house, oh well one day but that only resulted in people telling me my mother in law needs grandchildren, I tried being honest but mixed reactions to that too. My Dad told my grandmother but didn’t tell me she knew and last visit she started telling me how it took her 6 years between each of her kids and they never used contraception. When I asked my Dad why she was bringing it up he told me graphic details of how she conceived my uncle because apparently this situation is an open door to traumatise me with details of my grandparents’ sex life. 🤢 Wrong. They were all brought by the stork as far as I’m concerned! I’ve thought about saying “oh ok are we having that chat, when was your last period? How often do you have sex? Are you using protection? You don’t want to discuss this in graphic detail? Well asking me if I’m pregnant/or when I will be is asking me that.” It’s so not normal to talk about our sex lives with most people at any other time why is it now I’m married and in my 30s everyone thinks it’s fair game?
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