Stop The World, I Want To Get Off!

[JB1988]

The title pretty much sums up how I am feeling right now.

I just dont know what else we can do, I am feeling helpless right now!

I know there are lots of ladies, that have probably been here/are currently here/had worse but right now I just feel broken!

A bit of back story for anyone that hasnt seen my posts before, reasons for IVF are male factor infertility, hubby had no sperm at all in samples but after a surgical retrieval they found some and froze it.

We have been doing ICSI, first round we had 2 embryos put back but BFN, second round was a bust - only 2 eggs, 1 of which was mature but didnt fertilise, third round was our best outcome - we had 3 embryos that made it to day 5, 2 made it to top grade blastocysts and the other an early blastocyst. Transferred 1 back in August/Sept, got a BFP but started bleeding only 3 days later - so put down as a chemical and recently we had a complete natural frozen cycle and I started bleeding before test day!

Both of those we used the top graded embryos - our consultant even said before the natural cycle that this embryo was our baby! I know they can never really know but he had THAT high hopes and nothing!

I just dont know what we do now! I am awaiting our WTF appointment, this is on the 17th Dec and obviously I will fire lots of questions at the consultant and I am not looking for the right answer on here, I just needed to vent.

I feel like this is our last shot, we have no more of hubby's sperm sample and we would need to fund this again ourselves. We were lucky to get 2 rounds on the NHS and the 3rd round our parents paid for, I just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have had such a roller coaster the last few months, we really thought this would be it and we would end the year on a high but its another year gone by and no further forward

Sorry for the massive verbal diarrhoea there ladies, I just needed to get that off my chest! xx

[Masha111]

Hi

I can only imagine your pain at this difficult time. You have been through so much. I wish you nothing but happiness and pray 2019 is a successful year for you both. It is normal for you to feel the way you do. No treatment is hunky dory and emotions run high and low all the way through.

I think Diane Arnold has a list of questions that you can ask consultant at your apt. Hopefully after some changes to meds and treatment and further tests it will work for you. Im sure other options may be explored too.

Good luck going forwards. Sorry ive prob not said anything helpful but im sending lots of hugs, prayers and positive vibes your way xxx

[JB1988 in reply to Masha111]

Thanks hun, there isnt much anyone can really say but I just needed to vent.

Thanks for the suggestion of questions from Diane, I actually have these from our first failed round but I may have to dig them back out as now more than ever I think I need to push for more answers!

I wish I had a crystal ball but dont we all hey! xx

[Masha111 in reply to JB1988]

Thats true but life isnt that easy. You will be parents and you will have your baby. Keep the faith, hope and belief. Miracles do happen. This site is a testament to that xx

[JB1988 in reply to Masha111]

I know - would be amazing if it was though hey

Thanks hun, you are very kind. 2019 will be our year! xx

[kumkums]

I'm sorry you are going through this, reading your post made me feel very sad, this journey isn't easy at all. Just like the previous comment, I can only orwy that 2019 brings you good tidings and much successes.

One thing I might say is, try focus on you and hubby, have great times together especially this Christmas period, also try some vitamins that can boost fertility on both sides (I believe you are doing that, but it never hurt to say incase you are not).

Before my last cycle, I came across a site and I followed her 10 day fertility juice recipe, I also used the castor oil pack thing (I did it myself), my protocol was also changed and finally I prayed alot and just trusted God that it will be our time.

[JB1988 in reply to kumkums]

Thanks hun, thats the plan currently to enjoy christmas and start 2019 fresh and hopefully it will be our turn.

There has to be some light at the end of this seemingly long tunnel! xx

[Shirazlover2013]

Hi JB, you’ve done so much this year! I imagine it’s taken a heap of energy to go through all this so I’m not surprised to read that you’re feeling so frustrated that all his effort hasn’t yet been rewarded. It just isn’t fair.

See how your WTF appointment goes but have you thought about changing clinics if you decide to have another crack at it next year? Definitely take notes with you to the WTF appointment, emotions really cloud the memory and I’m always kicking myself afterwards for not asking something specific.

Look after yourself and here’s to hoping 2019 is your year xx

[JB1988 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Thanks hun, it’s certainly been a massive emotional roller coaster!

We have discussed changing clinics, there are obviously pros and cons for both sides of it. I guess we will see how the WTF goes and if not satisfied, then maybe we will have a serious think about moving in the new year.

I’m going to write everything down prior to the appointment as I’m the same, I get emotional and then find I haven’t asked things when on the way home! Determined to get my points across this time!

Thanks for your comments though, it’s appreciated! Roll on 2019! X

[Tugsgirl]

Not verbal diarrhoea, not at all. And I hope having a vent helped in some small way. I think many of us can relate. Two years of ivf and 5 transfers later (No.6 tomorrow) and I haven’t gotten any further either. No regrets though. I’ve given it my all and so have you! Don’t forget that xx

[JB1988 in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thanks hun, I know so many can relate but that is just heartbreaking to see as well!

I hate that so many of us have to go through all of this, when it’s blindly obvious how much this baby is wanted and how good parents we would all make!

Life is so hard sometimes and if I had a magic wand believe me I’d grant us all our wish!

I really hope it’s 6th time lucky for you hun, I will be keeping everything crossed for you xx

[Kyell2]

Oh no! I’m not surprised that you want to get off the rollercoaster, it sounds like you’ve had such a difficult time of it. It’s unbelievably expensive and soul destroying and life consuming 😩.

I always say to my OH that but for bad luck we wouldn’t have any luck at all...and yet we all keep going in the hope that next year will be our year for that to change.

Hopefully the December appointment will be here before you know it and you can start making your new plans xx

[JB1988 in reply to Kyell2]

Thanks hun, it’s certainly not been an easy one!

Fingers crossed the clinic can help us going forward and that 2019 is full of happy tears xx