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PREGNANCY POSTS

Hi Ladies. I don't wish to upset any of you, but there are more and more posts relating to pregnancies right up to birth, and hospital appointments etc during the pregnancy. While we love to hear of successes and births (with a warning of course), if you need support other than from your midwife, then perhaps its time to move onto the NCT site (National Childcare Trust). They can advise on pregnancies and offer support until birth and of course afterwards. A number of you have been upset by these posts, so let's remember those who are still trying. If I can help any of you via private message, that's OK and I will help where I can. Diane xx

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I will apologise now if any of my posts have upset anyone. I always made sure I have placed a warning on there, so others can chose to read or not. I did post about chickenpox last night because I was very worried about it hurting my baby& now there is shingles at work too! 🤦🏽‍♀️They helped to put my mind at rest. When I’ve posted about our midwife appointment people have said they like to see happy updates & it helps them have hope. It’s hard to know what is the right thing to do... ? I post because I hope it can give others hope going through this difficult journey, that there is light at the end of a tunnel. It was stories of hope that kept me going, because they made me feel that could be us next. If this site was only full of negative stories it would be awful, I wouldn’t have stayed! I do feel bad if my posts have upset others, because that was never my intention. I just want to help others along their journey xoxo

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I agree I love hearing the positives and always feel hopefully that'll be me next xx

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Jess with our seeing postive pregnancy posts id of lost my fight in this journey, keep your updates coming , and can understand how concerned you must of been xx

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Thank you. I feel quite upset by how others have reacted to my posts. I was only trying to help others have hope 😢 xoxo

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You definatly have, just look after yourself xx

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I know for me there is no way I could have continued on this journey without seeing the happy posts/pregancy pics etc, they are truly what have kept me going. Through good and bad times this site always gives me support, and like the posts further down here say the 12 weeks mark sounds good, however I still like seeing the updates after 12 weeks, especailly from ladies who have been on this site as long as I have, otherwise it would just feel like they had moved on and I know I would always wonder what happened to them after the 12 weeks. People all handle situations and emotions differently, there hasn't really been any posts that have ever offended me on here (don't particulary like pics of blood as makes me feel a bit sick, but thats just me, but I know ladies just want answers etc and thats what this page is for, especially for times when we are stressing etc)

If it wasn't for this site I would probably never have gone down the DE route, and to know ladies on here who have been down the same route and posted of their preganancies and babies is definately one of the main reasons I also went down this road as they all gave me that one thing we are all looking for.....HOPE! xx

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Hi jess I like reading your updates as I’ve followed your journey but I would prefer to read them on the Nct site. I would have found them too frequent if I had not happily been pregnant myself. I liked to hear about bfps and births, maybe the odd update along the way, but not people worrying about pregnancy related issues or every positive scan. I found scan pictures hard (I know you haven’t posted any) but when you use the app they come up anyway. Not saying this to offend at all as I’m really happy for you, just saying I agree with Diane’s point. You can still provide support and hope with individual comments on posts, which you do really well.

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I get your point but I got a huge response from my post-lots of ladies thanked me to post about my journey as it helped them have hope & that’s why I posted to say there is light at the end of a dark tunnel. I thought I was giving others hope. I don’t like the scan pictures here either as I found them upsetting going through infertility. I liked updates tho & was always genuinely happy for anyone getting their happy ending because I know they had gone through a lot to get there & for me they gave me hope . Obviously everyone has a different perspective on that & I do respect others need & I didn’t realise my posts had upset anyone as I did put a warning on it & hoped if others found it upsetting they would scroll past. I’ve formed friendships here & I have enjoyed sharing my journey here -the good the bad & the ugly. I always got great support especially when I had spotting during my pregnancy which really terrified me, it hasn’t been easy for me & want to help others along their journey xoxo

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Totally understand Diane. I agree with jess1981 and others that we do need to see positives (With warnings) to keep us going.

Perhaps you could give guidelines on when members should move to the nct group?

Xxx

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Thank you Camillage & I agree with what you are saying. It is such a shame there is not a post treatment forum for successful couples. xoxo 😘

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Jess- do you know about the Facebook group for pregnancy after ivf? It’s like the sister group of this forum and is secret etc. It’s a nice place to get some support about pregnancy etc xxx

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I didn’t have IVF ( I had surgeries for endometriosis & a round of clomid) To have a site for pregnancy post infertility would be ideal xoxo 😘

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Oh. I contacted Lynnr54 about the group so maybe you could ask her? It was a really good support group for questions throughout pregnancy etc. X

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I agree with Jess1981..I too think some ppl only like to read negative stories which make them feel wowww we are not alone in this...such ppl should broaden their perpective...positive stories gives hope and courage..if you dont like positivity and love to be drowned only in the negatives then you have an option to IGNORE...most of us are struggle and if we can see someones struggle leading to a positive outcome we should feel happy for them and encouraged for ourselves...🙂

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I don't think the people with issues will say the positive stories are bad..... There are just some posts which are better suited in a pregnancy forum not in a forum where the majority of women are trying to concieve x

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When women are trying to conceive its always nice to know if they have been successful...just knowing about bfns ..miscarriages etc does not give strength or hope to anyone but positive progressive pregnancy does...if one is having a bad day its more than easy to scroll past..

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I am not saying success stories are bad, I think their good! It's just certain posts. I would not post regular updates about my pregnancy, or pregnancy questions on a fertility forum with women who might be going through losses or unsuccessful transfers, it's just common sense but that's just me x

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I would say in that case it would be wise enough to ignore such posts or updates and move on thats common sense for me but that can be just me x

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Hi Ladies. I've read all your comments, and thank you all for putting warnings as you post - if appropriate. For now, we do not have any funding to start a "follow on" group, I wish we had. However, it is something that crops up from time to time, so who knows? Diane xx

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Hi Diane, I know I posted the suggestion of a follow up group in response to your last post on this subject. I got a lot of very positive responses to it. Appreciate you say there is no funding at present for it, but if you could keep promoting the idea for it whenever possible, I think it would be greatly appreciated by lots of the ladies on here. Thanks!

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I can see it from the different points of view. Everyone is on an emotional rollercoaster and depending on what’s happening on your journey affects your perception of someone’s post. Some days you might feel upset about a post but read it the next day in a different way.

It’s really hard. Personally I have chosen not to post as I’m scared to in case I am tempting fate lol. I have messaged Diane for advise and as always she has been wonderful. Maybe a 12wk rule with a post when baby is born?

These ladies feel like good friends on a journey only we understand. I love seeing them happy and good things happening and supporting when the bad things happen xx

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Hi Snuggles144. Great! I like the 12 week rule, which covers the 2 most important scans as well. What do others think? If we can agree, then I will include in the "rules". Diane xx

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I agree. Within most cases. I would not have been able to get through my last experience without the massive support of this group. Getting a positive after the 2ww is by no means the end of where support is needed and not the guaranteed "happy ending". I had 4 weeks of awful traipses back and forth to epu, followed by diagnosis of anembryonic then a managed miscarriage.

So, without 12 week rule and having people popped away after a positive test, many many of us on here would be simply floating on our own, desperate for help but with nowhere to go.

I have to say too that if there was nothing but negative here it would be a dismal place.

I also take so so much encouragement from the posts *With warning* of the happy ending. It really shows that all of this is worth it.

Perhaps if it was written into the rules though then people would know to expect some news after the 2ww and that it is not only negative that is shared.

I think everyone on here knows that there is a fine line to tread and everyone is acutely aware of how we all feel. Nobody sets out to hurt anyone.

Nobody wants anyone to disappear as we are all such a support to each other.

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Hi Diane hopefully it’s a good compromise. We need to be there for each other. In some respects the 2ww is easy compared to getting to 12 weeks! Glad I could give an idea xx

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Hi. I'm going to wait until Friday and see how things go, then add to the rules as I/we see fit. Diane xx

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I support it 100% - as long as people do pop back to give the *with warning* gorgeous photo of their baby so that we can all keep the faith that most people do get there one way or another x

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Exactly. Thanks for your support. Diane xx

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Ok, need to add too that there is a lot of support here from people beyond the 2ww and even beyond birth who actually don't post but do provide support and encouragement to people on here. So rather than asking people to jog on, it would be a real loss to the site not to have them. Perhaps that definitely needs to be taken into consideration?

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Exactly just getting a positive test and assuring first ultrasound does not gurantee a happy ending or smooth 9 months..support can be needed anytym..there should only be 1 rule which is already in place I think and that is to mention "WARNING SENSITIVE POST "..After reading these wordz I dont think its rocket science to ignore the post..🙂

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I posted at 8 weeks and then after my 20 week scan about my pregnancy, I didn’t feel confident enough about my 12 week scan but I was getting a lot of individual messages asking how I was and it seemed easier to do a post. I have never put scan photos as I personally don’t really like seeing them. I wouldn’t have had a problem if there was a rule about not posting after 12 weeks as long as it was made clear it’s still ok to comment and I like the birth photo posts.

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Hi Diane. It's a really good subject to raise and a really tricky one too. I got a lot of support and encouragement when I got a positive pregnancy test which was lovely and then I needed that same support when I miscarried just less than 9 weeks later. I am currently going through the grief and bereavement stage which has been truly awful. Without the positive posts and baby pics etc I think I might give up hope altogether! It's lovely to see people's positive news and encourages the rest of us to keep trying on this journey, especially when we might be feeling at our lowest.

I totally agree that I'm sure people don't set out to upset others.

Of course we will respect any guidelines set out for the group

x

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We all tend to be a bit sensitive about pregnancies and births, but some people clearly struggle a lot. I don’t struggle here. I know that everyone here has battled in some way to get where they are. It is my own personal opinion of course but I just want to say I’m ok with most posts and if I don’t like something I scroll on xx

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Hiya Diane! I think this is something that definately needs consideration. I think it gives those who are going through treatment hope when they see positive stories, scans and the baby's birth announcement.... I've been contemplating even whether to share my story, as I don't feel my IVF journey has been as hard as many other on here and so I've held back with posting for that reason, it doesn't mean I don't want to share it, I just don't want people feeling upset as I know how sensitive I felt going through all the ups and downs. I also think there is a fine line between positive stories and unnecessary posts, what might be a milestone in pregnancy for you might not be for someone else and I think it's unfair to post regular updates when most people on this forum are here for advice to get pregnant and I don't think it's right to be asking a group for pregnancy advice where the majority are going through the tough journey of trying to concieve. If I would have seen a fertility related forum with loads of pregnant people asking for advice I wouldn't join it..... I liked this one because everyone seemed to be like-minded and going through IVF and I seen some posts lately which are unnecessary. I hope you sort it out easily! ❤️ Xxxxxxxxx

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Lianna89, I think it's so helpful to see everyone's experiences, whether they be easy or difficult- gives a good and accurate picture of just how variable the experience is for us all. My opinion is that playing pain olympics solves nothing, and just because someone has had a comparatively easier time of their treatment than someone else, doesn't make their experiences or worries any less valid. Don't be shy if you need support! :-), and I hope that things are going well for you xxxxx ❤️

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Aww thanks I do know what you mean! My journey hasn't exactly been easy, I've had a missed misscarriage at 10 weeks and an ectopic and not been able to concieve after due to my tubes, it's just the IVF part, I see so many women with absolutely heartbreaking stories and I would never want to cause upset to not even one of them, I offer my input to people's posts a lot which I hope gives them some needed advice, hopefully if all goes well and when my baby is born I will post something, it still kinda doesn't feel real lol x

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That does not sound like an easy journey at all xxx

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I agree with Camillage, yours doesn’t sound like an easy journey at all. I feel like I’ve had a comparatively easy journey compared to lots of ladies on here (BFP on first fresh round for baby no. 1, then for baby no. 2 I had 3 FETs with a chemical, a BFN then my second BFP). I try to restrict my posting to those where people are specifically asking for success stories where my circumstances are similar, where they are going through something that I went through or where it’s general advice without the need to mention my own circumstances. All stories no matter how easy or hard have a place on the forum so please don’t think you can’t post.

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To be honest I'd of lost my fight for this journey months ago without positive posts, yes at times they are hard to see, but having recently joined the tommys Facebook group and a lot of their story's are absoloulty devastating as ours are too , I see why we need postive posts because the world of infertility can be a very dark place.

I hope if we get rules they are very fair rules and don't stop us seeing sucsess story's

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And hopefully don't stop people from posting or supporting altogether.

I am so sorry to hear your story. It takes great strength to have written this post.

I feel like we are all a family and like every family we won't all agree with everything all the time but we are kind of stuck with each other and can and do help and support as much as we can.

Maybe we also need some way of filtering complaints before they are printed on the forum?

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I think there isn't one answer that will keep everyone happy , it will be very hard for anyone to make rules without upsetting some one I'm sure, but I for 1 dont want to loose the sucuessful people on here as they can give lots of help to newbies, god I think I'm probably classed as a old timer on here now and it's nice to see people who have had sucess give help and support to others, if we stop postive posts we also may loose some good help and support as they may feel unwanted.

Love to you all xx

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Thank you Diane for giving us a chance to weigh in. Of course, no one wants others to be upset. However, I like the idea of being as inclusive as possible while maintaining the forum as a safe place for people experiencing infertility.

This group feels like a family and I’ve come to rely on the support quite a lot. I also get a lot out out providing it. If this process works for me, it would feel awful to know I’d be asked to leave the group after 12 weeks. I also agree that these people are great models of hope and it would be a shame to loose their support.

Would it be possible to just let people know that the alternate group for pregnancy might be a more appropriate place for pregnancy-related support? People can be a member of multiple groups and be more mindful of the types of posts they include on this forum?

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I think there will never be an answer that works for everyone. The most important thing is to think about what are the aims of the forum- to share our infertility stories and treatments and to provide support for people going through infertility. Obviously positive stories are helpful and no-one means any harm when they post them up but there is a fine balance.

I think if your post is about a pregnancy event or a query related to pregnancy then it is best to go to other forums which are set up for this ( eg NCT here or via other apps) rather than just relying on a time point of 12 weeks . I know that a lot of people feel that they don’t get as much support or people don’t answer as quickly but infertility is such an isolating journey and often this is a safe place for many where they can talk about this and I think we need to protect that. I recommend this forum to so many of my patients that are having issues with fertility.

I know people can scroll past but then other posts by people asking for fertility support can get bumped down and then not get many answers.

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This is why it’s important to comment on posts that have no replies, even if we have no answers. It’s really important that everyone is heard xx

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I agree that success stories are very important and I like hearing them to give us all hope.

I do think it needs to be balanced though and I agree with Lianna89 that there is a fine line. If everyone who is pregnant posts regular updates then the whole newsfeed is filled with that rather than fertility help.

Big milestones and births etc are a lovely thing to see and we all know the struggle these women have gone through to get there. I just think if I were to be having a particularly bad or low day (like we all have) and the entire newsfeed was pregnancy related posts, it would probably not necessarily help at that point.

I haven’t or wouldn’t complain about anyone’s posts but just thinking about myself at my most emotional and sensitive and others who may feel the same.

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I completely agree with this. It's so important we aren't judgemental of those who may find these posts a bit much. I was a member here 4 years back, we had the BFPs and the scans and that was enough motivation. Otherwise it becomes a pregnancy forum of which there are plenty.

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Scans and BFPs are lovely. Other queries can so so easily be dealt with via private message (that's what I did when I got a BFP here 4 years back).

There should be a sensible and sensitive line drawn. Doesn't make me a negative nelly just because I don't think it's a place for detailing generic pregnancy posts.

Worrying symptoms early on, yes - post it - that is entirely different - but not every step has to be recorded.

There are enough members on here to create a private group via private message for those who are okay with it. I don't mind seeing things myself but I do not want to be judgemental of those who are not okay, those who are having bad days. I think some of the replies here are a bit judgemental here of those who might be struggling. It doesn't make them negative people if they don't want to see too many pregnancy posts.

People can have bad days, and even if a post is listed as sensitive - sometimes it still pops up and its easy to see what it's about and its human nature to read it.

I'm okay, I have a child but I am thinking of how sensitive I was on some days before. Some people are having losses and may not want to see too much detail of early pregnancy.

The means are there, it's just about how sensitive of others you want us to be.

No one has to leave the group just because you achieved success - you should always still be there to give advice and the private message facility allows multiple members to join in a group.

Thanks Diane for posting this.

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I’ve been thinking about this actually and it’s definitely a tough one. There are some days (fortunately most days) I come on here and I take such comfort, particularly from new BFP stories, it gives me hope that it really can be done and I love this forum for that very reason – you get so much support and hope from it. However it’s true that there are some days, darker days for me usually when I’ve been surrounded by pregnant women or friends with babies, that I come on only to see more pregnancy updates which can feel more isolating at times, even though of course I’m happy for these women and know it’s coming from a good place. It doesn’t bother me to the extent where I want this stopped but I guess I can see how this may affect other women who may not be able to handle it. It’s not so easy as simply ignoring posts with “sensitive” on it, because there are some sensitive posts that are hard to ignore e.g. with pictures etc.

The ideal solution would be to have the Facebook feature of hiding posts but this would require technical development and is probably not on the cards.

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Also - I have just checked and some of these pregnancy posts have been listed as sensitive but still included the pregnancy issue/appt/whatever in the actual title - so people are seeing these pop up and can read in the title what it's about.

This is definitely not a sensitive thing to do.

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I think people put a warning up & give it an indication on the subject matter so that others don’t feel like reading it can scroll past. Nobody wants to offend or upset anyone here. xoxo

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Let's allow for Diane to make the rules, not you, not I - we are all just expressing our own opinion. Scrolling past isn't always that easy and human nature means we tend to read things even when we shouldn't.

Do consider that people have responded to what is an increase in non essential pregnancy related posts. Diane has posted about this twice in the last month so it's not something to ignore. And it's not any members job to railroad their own point of view. We have to listen to Diane respectfully, in my view.

I have used this forum for years, I absolutely know that no one wants to offend - but the thing about going through infertility or losses is that people can have off days. They probably don't want be upset by such posts but clearly are. We have to respect that and not make our own rules. Guidelines re Scans and BFPs were set about a year ago and luckily we were allowed to continue with them but we have to draw a line to protect the fragile among us. It's a moral thing to do. I like the positive side too, of course, it kept me going but there is no need to detail minor pregnancy issues that midwives or NCT are there to answer.

Let's wait for new guidelines to come out of this debate xxx

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I hope we can keep positive posts with a set of guidelines so that everyone is happy. 🙂It would be sad if all the stories were just negative.Stories of hope helped me get through my journey (which was over 7 years & not easy.) so I am trying to be sympathetic of their needs & want to try support others going through this & tell them it can happen. It’s such a difficult journey but hope is so important xoxo

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Absolutely no one here is asking for just the negative posts Jess, that's skewing the point. The posts have to be important milestones. No one is saying no to scans, BFPs, new birth pics etc.

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Sorry I misunderstood. I’m glad that we can keep them going because positive stories are needed. xoxo 😘

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I like the suggestion made by a few people above

- posts with updates that need questions or struggles answered = ok

- major updates I.e. milestones = ok

- general chit chat about pregnancy = maybe not ok as could fill the posts

Nobody has to leave at any point.

We are all family and some count people as friends. Nobody wants to intentionally hurt anyone but people need to know that there will be positive posts as well as negative.

Maybe that could be what is in the rules?

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Yes, milestone moments we should call them 🙂 Something to give hope to us all still trying xx

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Yeah that's a good idea!

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I really like the phase ‘milestone moment’. Xx

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i am going on a limb here and am going to say that I am not sure queries about pregnancy are appropriate here. Absolutely yes to posts about miscarriages or ambiguous scans but there are pregnancy forums for questions about pregnancy. Some pregnancy posts are very relevant - eg some people have posted a little about their twin pregnancies and I think these are really useful for people to decide on one or two embryos but the poster has been very clear that the reason they have put the post up is to help other people with this decision. I’m pregnant myself so this is not about feeling bitter and I was never super sensitive about people revealing they were pregnant etc but people going through infertility can end up feeling marginalised generally so this is a nice space for them. People don’t have to leave- I still read posts and give my experience.

I’m not sure what we would define as “milestones”. For me it would be viability scans and 12 week scan and then birth.

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completely agree with everything, its the issue of defining milestones and some people may have a strange idea of that. So this is why I responded to Jess earlier saying that we really need to leave this to Diane. Perfectly put and I agree with your list of milestones xxx

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I agree but we'd probably need some guidelines around what actual milestones are okay to post about - as some people might think something is a milestone when others will think it's not and maybe someone being a bit TMI?

No one can argue with the joy of seeing a scan and BFP, a good follicle response and birth pics. It's lovely.

I had a child thru IVF despite so many odds stacked against me, I was 40, IVF, stage 4 highly symptomatic endo, ridiculously low / almost undetectable AMH.

Despite all this I know that I wouldn't feel great with myself for sharing non essential pregnancy issues here that we have midwives numbers for. I did a lot via private message here and it worked perfectly well, I got the support I needed and I am still friends with those people.

No one has to leave, no way. I have a child and I am here. xxx

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Yes, I like the idea of milestone moments too and not making anyone leave. I agree that there must be a balance and we should protect this group as a safe place for people still experiencing infertility.

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Hi Diane,

This has clearly been a good topic to raise, albeit a toughie 😊

My two cents would be that positive posts are definitely welcome, BFP, early scans etc, but personally I think frequent updates beyond the milestones should be kept to a minimum.

I wouldn’t want people to leave beyond 12 weeks as we would lose a lot of experienced ladies who offer so much advice and support.

I guess my plan (if I get that far) would be to offer my advice but not to post regularly about pregnancy related stuff, as it can get a bit much to see (even in comments if I am honest). In that sense it would be good for people to have up to date profiles, explaining their journey. That way people can interact with profiles if and when they feel able to. I will add here that my profile is not up to date, but I will now do that this evening!!

We can all be sensitive at different times, so we will never get it right 100% of the time, so maybe some guidelines, rather than rules, would be useful.

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This is a really tough and emotive subject. I have been guilty of posting pregnancy related worries early on in my pregnancy as I didn't feel like I 'belonged' to the NCT group at the time, however, I do agree that there has to be a time when questions are moved over to a more appropriate group. Everyone should absolutely continue to offer advice and support where possible as we all have something to give to others going through a tough time.

The first 12 weeks is usually pretty difficult as we understand more than most what can go wrong, so I understand why people feel comfortable posting on here. It's easy to get carried away and post without thinking; I know I have unwittingly made some ill-timed comments to the point where I've actually deleted them a couple of days later becauseI felt terribly guilty about it.

I still encounter very ignorant comments about ivf which can leave me feeling isolated and inadequate, and most people in the NCT group just wouldn't 'get it'. A 'pregnancy after infertility' group would be great, but I totally understand the funding issue. Hopefully something can be worked out, I'm sure whatever rules Diane sets out will be respected. Xx

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This is such a difficult subject. I think we all need to be mindful of each other. I'm currently 32weeks pregnant. This forum has been an absolute god send to me. It helped me to get my head around our diagnosis and rather than blame myself it's made me proud to be an IVF warrior. A pregnancy following IVF is difficult even at this stage I still worry. But each day I thank my lucky stars. I still dip in and out of the forum mainly to see how people who supported me are doing and if possible to give advice. Before the pregnancy I appreciated seeing all the positive posts but also remember that they could sting subject to my mood. Its great to see stories of a BFP, scans and births. Its also nice to share these with thanks and to provide hope. Recently what I have noticed is more and more of is posts of people's pregnancy and all the details. I wouldn't have liked to have seen these when I was going through the bad times. I think it's so easy to get wrapped up in the excitement. Even at this stage of pregnancy I have recently seen a couple of posts and thought they were unnecessary and potentially hurtful (without meaning to be). When I Initially got my BFP there was a couple of girls on here and we would private message to support each other. I'm not saying all positive stories should be removed. I'm saying we need to be careful and mindful of each other. This is an amazing forum and had such a positive impact upon my journey and life xx

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I’m sorry if my recent post has offended anyone . And I know it’s not related to infertility as such . But this is the only forum I post in and the only forum I feel I have formed bonds with people. I feel safe to post here and also feel like I trust people on this forum. As I am autistic when I get trust with someone I don’t like to change things around. This forum was a god send to me when I was struggling and still is. Although I’m post infertility things are etched into my mind. And I wouldn’t like it if I had to leave the forum as I feel I can provide support even if it’s just saying hello to new members x

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I have not been upset by any of your posts. I have to say I have not been upset by any posts. This is a place for support and we all need support at various stages. There are no lines to be drawn other than knowing that we are all struggling in our own ways. Nobody is trying to upset anyone. And every single one of us would be so upset to think that we had made even one person unhappy. We all share each other's sadness and pain and we all enjoy and celebrate the little victories.

Here's a big hug for everyone - hopefully we can all move on, hug each other and continue to support each other xxx

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I hope so. So many of us need the forum before during and after the journey . I understand people may get upset . But if everyone was always negatives on here people wouldn’t use the forum because it would make it all that more difficult than it already is x

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Exactly xx

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Hi

Some really good points above from everyone..

I like how we can private message each other so if the profiles were perhaps upto date you would know who is pregnant and who isnt. This was if it was a pregnancy issue you can private message them.

Its hard to remember who is expecting and who isnt with the amount of lovely ladies on here. Perhaps if profiles were colour coded or something so you can select who you wanted to private message. This may or may not be the answer just thinking out loud.

I respect everyones views as so many people have been or are at various stages. I appreciate what helps one person may not necessarily help another as everyone has their own way of dealing with things and people may interpret posts in a way depending on their mood/emotions at that time. Its difficult but one thing i know all/majority of you would agree on, emotionally we wouldnt be where we are without the support of the community here. We gain strength from our family and friends on here. I would be lost without it.

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The colour code idea is a good one x

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I've thought about this subject a lot recently as I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow.

I have always found it difficult seeing scan pictures which is why I've never posted any of mine. However, hearing how people you have formed a bond with are getting on is really nice and does cheer you up on those down days.

I would never post anything about everyday pregnancy moans as I think that is insensitive. What I can say though is that pregnancy after IVF isn't all rosy. It can be a really lonely place as you don't fit into either group. I am super anxious at the moment but its hard for people to understand other than those on here who have been pregnant.

I looked at the NCT forum yesterday and its all people complaining cos they haven't got pregnant in 2 months or they are on their 5 child or their baby won't feed. I stopped reading within 5 minutes.

I think certain milestones or an update occasionally is fine. To be honest the 'warning sensitive post' doesn't really make much difference as its already out there.

On my particularly down times during IVF I just avoided the forum altogether cos even hearing about people have successful egg collections was too much.

Just my thoughts.

x

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Have you joined the pregnancy after IVF group on Facebook? It's a closed group and it's a lovely group to be in. Just because we had IVF doesn't mean we don't belong xx

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Which one is that Lorraine? I’m a member of 2 of them, 1 is the official fertility network one, which I’ve never seen anyone other than admin post in and the second is one which was set up around a year or so ago which was active for a while, but all the ladies bar me have now had their babies and it isn’t publicised so we haven’t had anyone else join for ages x

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Hi Lynne, it's Pregnancy after IVF Support Uk and has a picture of a Unicorn as it's cover. There's about 1400 members and very few of them have had their babies. There's another group after birth too relating to IVF. x

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I can’t help thinking that positive stories/occasional updates are great and helpful but questions about pregnancy related issues (other than miscarriage/non viable pregnancies) and updates more than once or twice in a pregnancy are a bit too much. And I say this as someone who is now pregnant. If you don’t like the Nct site (where you will find a number of familiar names), the baby centre app gives you a birth club which can be helpful too. Xx

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Before you read this please know that I don’t think anyone here is doing anything to upset anyone on purpose.

I’ve been here for a couple of years now and have felt immensely supported, and hope I’ve managed to provide some to others. But of late I’ve been really sad, and that’s hard, so I come here, mainly to read at the moment as I’ve not got the energy to write sometimes (although I’m aware this post is epic!).

This morning I saw pookymamas post and it warmed my heart, the world isn’t shit all the time! And when I see new baby pictures from girls I’ve seen on this forum I am so pleased, after two miscarriages and 6 rounds of IVF it is a miracle to see those pictures.

But day to day life is hard for most of us, and coming here can make you feel less isolated however when I see posts on midwife appointments and general questions I can’t help but feel more isolated and feel like there’s another club that I don’t belong in.

Of course it is a wonderful thing to see you lovelies get pregnant, and I know the fear of early pregnancy, and the importance of support, but please just be mindful of those you aren’t there yet.

Pregnancy tests, scans, little updates once baby has popped out are all amazing announcements, but just letting me know that you’ve got an amazing midwife or your appointment was magical seems a bit too much.

It is definitely not a case that if you get pregnant you should bugger off and never darken our door again!! It’s about being sensible and sensitive to those whose day is still blighted by the thought that this may never happen.

Thank you Diane for supporting everyone here 💜💜

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Absolutely, perfectly put and so true that no one is saying that anyone may be trying to offend on purpose. Totally agree with all you say xxxxxx

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Thank you lovely xxx

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Hi Diane,

I agree with a lot of what others have said on here already. I don’t think that this is right place to ask for pregnancy advice say after your 12 week scan if we are going to put a date on it as many in here will have never known what that feel like and I can see why it would be upsetting. However, I have always found the ladies who have had success’ advice so helpful so don’t want them to leave and also love seeing positive stories including pictures. I feel like it really helps me to know that it does work out in the end for lots of ladies and if I didn’t see that it would be harder to carry on. Thanks for opening the debate, don’t know what we would do without you.

Diane x

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It has probably been mentioned, but could images be shifted to the bottom of people's post? Yes, it has a warning most the time - not all, but yet the pic is the first thing seen after the warning, so how do you ignore or just scroll by on that. At least if pics are at the bottom they could include - sensitive post - pic included so people can open if they wish... Just a thought. x

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This is a great idea. I too have noticed the images just by scrolling through the feed, which isn’t ideal. If putting the pics at the bottom would fix that, brilliant!

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Hi everyone,

A lot of valid points made throughout the discussion. We all know how difficult a journey this can be and the importance of being sensitive to how others might be feeling. I personally haven’t felt offended by anyone’s postings re pregnancy news and agree that they offer hope & encouragement but could also understand how others may find these difficult if for example they’d just had bad news.

Slightly unrelated but worth mentioning whilst we are discussing rules: there was a post on here a couple of weeks back with (from what I interpret) the poster looking to sell unused fertility drugs. ( the post appears to have been removed) - it’s posts like these that I would deem highly inappropriate & distasteful.

Thinking of you all, wherever you are in this journey xx

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I’ll be honest that I’m glad Diane has posted about this - personally I stopped following this page as often as I did when I first joined because I just felt that at times there were more posts about pregnancy than there were for infertility and women trying to conceive. I do like to see positive posts and birth posts with the sensitive post warning etc because it gives you the option of reading or not reading which a lot of the time I do and it gives me hope and a little bit of happiness for the women that have beat infertility, but sometimes it’s just too upsetting and I joined here to get away because it was a safer place to be in a community that understands what you’re going through without having to filter through all the pregnancy and/or birth and baby posts.

I get that this is a really sensitive issue and we all need support and that’s different for everyone- some people like seeing pregnancy announcements/updates but some people don’t, and we just need to agree on a solution that works for everyone where possible so that people don’t feel isolated that they can’t make use of the forum and doesn’t upset everyone that they feel they can’t get the support they need xx

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I've purposely not posted anything on here since I was successful but have stayed in the group as I know that pregnancy posts can be hard to read. For me, when I was undergoing treatment the positive stories & success stories kept insiring me to continue. I have moved on the the facebook group Pregnancy after IVF which is a closed group which deals with all the fantastic & negative aspects of pregnancy.

I think the milestone idea is great - a BFP, 7 week scan, 12 week scan & birth. Everything else should be kept separate.

I still do comment on posts here too especially with stories that resonate with me & my treatment & would love to continue that, if possible. x

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I have to admit I myself posted pregnancy related questions a long time ago when I was pregnant after a successful FET. I didn't even think twice as I'd been using this forum for support and advice before that, and in honesty I didn't even know there was an alternative place (came across healthunlocked purely by accident and the fertility group in particular).

Obviously now I know about and have used NCT too, but I come here in the hopes I'll read something similar to my situation (secondary infertility, low ovarian reserve for my age, etc.) and because I love to share my positive experience of FET.

I agree there should be a limit but don't assume pregnant ladies do it on purpose. They may have just been naive like I was. I don't think a 12 week cut of is that straightforward either - I was almost 14 weeks when I had my ultrasound and very much felt part of and in need of support from this group of people.

I think this is a great community made up of people who understand each others experiences. It's a compliment that people still feel so supported here even after seeing that +. Like many have said, the private message facility is still very much open and I personally don't feel I'm done with this group of supportive ladies (and men!).

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I think it’s a difficult and emotive subject and I’m not going to repeat everything that’s been said above. I would ask for one additional thing to be added to the rules though - to allow specific pregnancy questions which are IVF related (e.g. over the years I’ve seen various questions about ladies being made high risk or extra appointments or being induced early, specifically because they are IVF babies). Those sorts of questions are far less likely to be answered in a standard pregnancy forum and as they are IVF related I do feel they have a place here.

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I am late to this thread as I have been dealing with post devasting BFN emotions and illness that followed. As a relative newbie to this group, I would like to say I have found it a great support. Even though I have had a devastating failed first attempt, it does give me hope to see others achieve their dream. However, I understand that others may feel saddened by such posts (I feel the same on Facebook scan posts but ok on here as know the struggle you have all been through to get that BFP). I am not great with computers so not sure if this would be possible, but as an alternative to people leaving the group, could there be diffent tabs or different places to post on this site? One titled positive/uplifting posts and another asking for support and one very clearly headed- post BFP? Just a suggestion as a way to grow the site and keep the community. This way everyone is still together but can select what they want to read that day. As we all know our emotional rollercoater changes every day. Much love. XX

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I can see it from both sides. It gives me hope to see the positive posts. But also, when I see everyone else that Ive been following getting pregnant, and I’m still here struggling on, it feels like I’m getting left behind. It’s just so heartbreaking. I think it depends on how I feel that day. Probably if everyone just puts clear warnings on sensitive posts.

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