Just had my 3rd failed transfer on tuesday, went straight back to work and then today I've had a complete melt down. I drove to do a postnatal visit and I parked outside the front of the woman's house and I couldn't get out of the car I just sobbed and sobbed. I had to call my boss and tell her I couldn't do the visit or my clinic and I was going home. I just couldn't put on my brave face today.
I'm really lucky that I'm an integrated midwife and when I'm having treatment I get my GP to sign me off of Delivery Suite. Labour care was pushed me over the edge before but I've always managed to cope better in the community, well not today! I just couldn't go in that house with a smile and pick up that baby!
I'm so anxious as the longer this journey continues the more challenging work is becoming.
Basically being a midwife and going through IVF sucks!!!!
Any other midwives out there? how to you cope and stay at work?
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Beechnut1
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I’m not a midwife, but I can seriously imagine how hard that job is, you’re so strong to have carried on how you have so please don’t be hard on yourself.
I’m lucky in that it doesn’t really affect me much the way it does with some people, like seeing BFPs on Facebook all the time and how it sends some people into a real state of upset. It makes me a bit sad for me, but that’s it, their journey (and how lucky they are or how easy they have it) is nothing to do with mine, it would make my journey no more easy if they had trouble too. Or even my friends getting pregnant, yes it hits me a bit but not like some people. But delivering babies I totally appreciate is a whole different ball game.
I don’t know if it is helpful, but the way I look at it is “yes, they are super lucky, but their success etc actually has nothing to do with or has no impact on my journey or success.”
My mums a health visitor (ex midwife) and from my point of view I can see how hard it is being with people and their new babies, but through my mum I also appreciate how hard it is for some brand new mums with no support network around them, or with post natal depression, exhaustion or other issues. It’s not always a case of seeing happy new mums, I don’t know if that helps at all when you think of the visits you have to make.
But I totally get it that there are times when you just don’t want to go in to work and smile and handle someone’s baby, and hopefully your work and GP will always be supportive of that, I really really hope so.
Big hug and a well done for doing one of the hardest jobs when dealing with fertility treatment. And lots of luck for all of your treatment xxx
Thanks Orla, there is so much sense in what you’re saying and it’s a really healthy attitude to take. A huge amount of the time I can separate my own emotions from my job but every now and again it bites me in the bum!! 🤣 and yes you’re right just because women have fallen pregnant with ease it doesn’t mean they have nothing else big going on. It’s just sometimes I think if I pick up the phone to another person telling me how fed up they are with being pregnant I’ll scream! The thing I struggle with the most is the bad social cases with babies being removed for the 5th time, drug abuse etc you name it I see it.
We’ve ran out of Frosties and I’m dreading the prospect of another fresh cycle so I’m going to remain very open minded to taking time off If I need it.
Thanks again for your reply and wise words. You’re a star 💜
I know, it’s infuriating when you see people taking no care of themselves and their unborn babies and basically abusing their own bodies and they still fall pregnant with ease.
And you’re doing an amazing job of separating your emotions most of the time, that’s a true professional. And of course it will get the better of you on some occasions, I just wanted to say really, stay strong, but don’t be hard on yourself when it’s too tough. You can appreciate how hard it is and how well you are doing, just try to acknowledge when you do need some time, that’s what sick pay etc are for xxx
I forgot to add though, you have gone back to work so soon and a couple of weeks off work at least to just nurse yourself at home and come to terms with a fail would be completely understandable so never be afraid to take the time off that you need. You can’t be brave all of the time and I’m sure your GP would sign you off fully in a heartbeat xxx
Thank you! Yes I’m not going to lie it’s mega tough. Thankfully I have very supportive colleagues that sent me home today armed with cake. Sending love straight back to you too 💜
Awww hon, this is such a difficult situation even without the complications of working with babies! I am not a midwife (though it was one of my potential options when I was younger, it really appealed to me). I am an allied health professional and I work with preschool children, from 18 months upwards, so not anywhere near the same, but I have some small challenges. At some points we used to do pre-natal talks and that was a killer for me! Also, I work for a big team with only women and there's always AT LEAST 1 pregnant colleague at any one time.
It's a good thing your work has some flexibility. You're so strong and made the right decision not going into that appointment. During our second IVF cycle, on day 2 after fertilisation, the embryologist called me first thing in the morning to say that we'd gone from having 11 embryos to 3, and not 3 good ones either. Straight after this I had to go and see a child in a school and as soon as I turned up, the first thing the school receptionist said was "are you a mum?", I was absolutely destroyed and I have no idea how I didn't have a meltdown there and then. Worked with the child I went to see, then cried for half an hour in the car, actually howling crying. I was over half an hour late to my next appointment to see my next child, looking back I should have cancelled everything!
Don't feel guilty to have time off, sounds like you have a sympathetic GP and it's not just the treatment itself, you also have the occupational relation to worsen the whole IVF process, so don't be afraid to ask for time off xxx
This experience is definitely teaching me to be ok with not being ok! Sometimes my brave face just doesn't want to work. Thanks for replying and sharing your experiences I can totally relate. Lots of love to you wherever you are on this bloody tough journey! xxx
Dear Beechnut
I think I understand some of your struggle. I work in a perinatal team and have really had a tough time at work during my previous 2 failed cycles. There are certain ladies who I struggle to see ( depressed mums who can’t and don’t love or want their baby). This kills me. I’ve been to occupational health because ivf is affecting my ability to do my job and I have a professional responsibility to address this. I think because of my job I can’t have more than 3/4 cycles because emotionally it affects me so deeply. I never have the refuge of going to work and being able to switch off as I’m constantly reminded of my own inability to have children and desperate longing for a baby of my own. It’s so tough...
It is so so tough, I can completely relate to you! I sometimes feel like I have a professional responsibility not to be at work because I just feel like I'm not safe and I'm terrified of making a mistake, this is why sometimes I just can't work on labour ward. Just so frustrated that my emotions are now following me into the community too! Your job is so important and I admire you for doing it xxx
It is so hard both midwifery and being a HV, even on a good day! I am just so sorry for your losses I hope you've had time off and are being loved and cared for x x x
Hey I’m not a midwife and your job must be so tough when you’re on this journey. You are a warrior xxx I’m a community nursery nurse with health visiting and I find doing the baby clinics hard at times as well as doing one and two year old development checks. Quite often people presume I’m a mum when they’re talking to me, like when I’m helping with breastfeeding they’ll say “well you know what it’s like...”, and at least 3 times a week I’m asked if I’ve got children. It’s nice when I come across ivf babies though. That gives me hope, and it is very regularly. I’ve not taken time off from my job following a negative test result yet but I can imagine it’s going to get tougher the longer I go on. I’ve had 4 failed embryo transfers now from 2 rounds and my next move is private. I’m so scared of it not working but trying to be positive that it will. I’ll be thinking of you out there in the community facing an even tougher job than mine on this journey and I wish you all the best for getting your baby. Sometimes you have to cry and say no I can’t do it and regroup. Be kind to yourself. Xxx
You're so right Scarlett you do get to see IVF babies and that is so lush and I need to hang onto that because I get to see first hand that it CAN work! I have a few IVF mumma's on my caseload and I do give them alot of TLC. My colleagues call IVF women 'precious' which is just so patronising. At least now I have the understanding and empathy to really look after them.
I've also not taken any time off, It sounds silly but I'm almost saving it for when things get worse! Not sure if I'm being negative or realistic. It's so hard when you get asked countless time in your professional role if you have children because you feel like a fraud when you say no! Women look at me when they are in labour like 'well what the hell do you know!'.
I really feel you, its tough. Be kind to yourself too and lots of love xxx
I’m a midwife and have just had my 4th transfer today... you’re right it really sucks being a infertile in a fertile world. It’s like a roller coaster sometimes I’m so happy for women and love caring for them and sometimes I cry after leaving a visit. I also had a miscarriage and cared for by epau at my work which has made it sometimes challenging especially with other midwives insensitively asking when we will try again. The only good thing is I work with my fertility specialist.. so because we’re colleagues and friends it makes me feel safe and trusting her decisions. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Sometimes mindfulness meditations help before a visit. One day it’ll be our turn
I hear you 100% midwifery is a roller coaster at the best of times. It's hard because I don't love it any more and I can't tell if it's the IVF, midwifery or just the good old NHS!
I also had a miscarriage and had to go into EPU to ask a question the other day for the first time since it happened and it just brought it all flooding back. Do many of your colleagues know? I found telling my community team a huge relief and they've been so supportive and really have my back. The midwifes on delivery suite don't know and can be insensitive especially when they catch wind that someone is pregnant and they try and play the guessing game!! Do they do that in your unit? It drives me mad!!!
It's great that you have a good relationship with your consultant. Huge huge luck with your transfer I have everything crossed for you xxxxx
My 4th transfer was a BFN 😢 I have had to tell people at work especially when I had the miscarriage as I needed a few weeks off which inconveniences everyone. I’m also feeling a bit burnt out with it and up until now been happy for women but lately I’m really struggling with how unfair it feels. It is so tough when colleagues ask if you’re pregnant or when you’re having babies.. birth suite staff are probably the worst here too!! I have 2 frozen embryos so crossing my fingers they work not sure I can continue more failures and working I job I don’t love right now. I’m sorry you got those feelings back it is so tough. I’m hoping it is our time soon xxx
Im so so sorry to here of your BFN, it really is just the worst! Its really OK to be struggling and to be not feeling OK especially at work. I hope you've taken some time off. I hear you 100% i worry everyday about how I will cope with more failures and continue my job. Its awful and there is just no other way to describe it!
I hope you have good support around you and your colleagues are being supportive. Be kind to yourself. I'm always here if you need to vent because I really do get it!
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