reflections

[vic77]

hi all

sorry not be posting or commenting much lately. we took a well earned holiday after our 5th transfer, first bfp and miscarriage at 12 weeks. our holiday was fab but not a day passed where I didn't think of our precious baby. it is so so tough and coming home was hard as now we have one frostie left and have to face all the injections, feelings, procedures etc again.I am so grateful we have a frostie but am terrified at the same time. I noticed I have been on here now for 2 years..3 fresh transfers and 2 fets and we still have empty arms. I sometimes don't recognise who I have become and only hope all this is happening to us for a reason. we have discussed adoption again as time, energy and money are running out. we are meeting a couple next month who adopted after ivf and miscarriage so I am hoping that helps. I also wanted to share that I bought a book this week by Zoe Clarke Coates called saying goodbye. it is so helpul.she is the founder of the mariposa trust and part of that charity organises saying goodbye services for people affected by baby loss. we plan to go to one next month so anyone interested i can let you know how it goes. just wanted to say this site has provided me and my dh so much support and I have met some fab friends over 2 years sadly through shared pain so at least that is something massively positive to come out of this journey. I booked in for our 3rd scratch today. ..God I hate those things it is day 23 though is that still ok? we may go straight away then with fet or try the month after. .hoping like the last key that opens the door this is our baby..love to you all and thanks xxxx

[Ash2016]

Hi Vicky, glad you and your hubby have had a chance to get away from things for a bit. You are v brave to be going again. I have no idea about the scratch I’m afraid as I’ve never had one but wanted to wish you luck for your FET xxx

[vic77 in reply to Ash2016]

thank you so much xx

[72cloud9]

Best of luck sweetie with this next try-whatever happens, u have shown your strength throughout and it will carry u through! I have everything crossed that this time will be the baby you have been waiting for xxx

[vic77 in reply to 72cloud9]

I so hope so..thanks hun xx

[Becca21]

Hugs!! I feel your pain and dissapointment..... I'm pretty much on the same boat. Haven't been here for much long but have whole bundle of dissapointments and heartbreaks on my fertility road as well. It's good that you guys took some time out from the tries and went on a vacation, it helps a lot to catch a breath, clear your head and heal emotionally. The mini-break did help us a lot when we needed to decide on donor conception. Honestly, there's no word that can possibly console you over your loss... having at lost 3 of my own I know the emptiness lingers on. But then you've got to stay strong for now... the journey isn't over yet and success is on the other side. That's what I keep telling myself when my IVF failed and it didn't really fix much.. not yet but gave me strength to latch onto hope. About adoption, that's benevolent but a very personal choice of you two... I don't think any of us can or rather shouldn't give in any suggestions as in what should and what shouldn't be in that aspect. I really hope your last frostie works and you have you own bundle of joy soon. Wish you luck, hope and strength!

[vic77 in reply to Becca21]

thank you so much for responding and so sorry for your losses too..it is so so hard and I am terrified about this last round xx

[Becca21 in reply to vic77]

Sending love and strength to you! <3

[Katty_Holz]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! Yes, a loss is hard to cope with and time and again you simply get engrossed in thinking what could have been.... but then sadly, it's not gonna change much. Vacation at this point of time is a respite from all the odds that's been going on and you made a good decision. I know the feeling... we gave up the whole concept and efforts to try to get pregnant for a whole year to come in terms with all we've had been through. Maybe time is testing us... some people just don't get what they wish for easily, I don't really know who to blame for it though. It's good that you guys are considering adoption as alternatives.... that's very brave indeed. We couldn't really come to terms with adoption, I'm personally considering gestational surrogacy at this point but we can't go for it right away, sometime down the future maybe. I'd still advice you to try make the bad memories fade out for a while and heal from within...you'll need that to find hope over your next FET. Wish you all the luck in the world for success!

[vic77 in reply to Katty_Holz]

thank you so much for your message and air sorry for your pain too..yes I need to find hope for our last frostie xx

[Hidden]

Dear Vic I feel your pain deeply. In the last 4 years I’ve lost a baby at 8 weeks, 7 weeks, 14 weeks...a precious baby girl and then a series of early miscarriage. 5 failed cycles, an absolute fortune spent and drained emotionally, financially and physically! Inbeteeen these devastating losses we take a good break, give us ourselves time to grieve and recover and come back fighting stronger. If you have the scratch make sure you do the fet ASAP don’t wait for the cycle after as it’s not as effective. You managed to get pregnant so your body is working as it should be and you have your precious frostie 🙏🏼🤞🏼 Just when everyone told us to give up and look at adoption we went for one final round this time in the US with excellent Drs and a 100% money back guarantee if you dont take home a baby (obviously we had to go through vigorous testing to get on the programme but it was worth it!) and had success with our first transfer. As long as you have faith in your clinic...they got you there once which is fab you have everything to feel positive about. You’ll never forget your lost baby but there is always hope xxx

[vic77 in reply to Hidden]

awww thanks so much for your supportive words..it means a lot your perseverance is to be admired xxx

[Hidden in reply to vic77]

That’s exactly what our Consultant said lol xxx

[vic77 in reply to Hidden]

lol..you followed your dreams 💜💜🌈🌈🌈when is your baby due? xx

[Hidden in reply to vic77]

Have to stick with it, baby boy due early Dec, God willing 🙏🏼Xxxx

[HollieW]

It is so tough but you do have one embryo left so there is still hope. My husband and I have discussed adoption as for me I want a family and don't want to be childless so if adoption is the only route after my IVF journey I am going to seriously consider it. There are so many children who need a loving home and friends who have adopted have said it's the best thing they've ever done. Whatever happens you will be so much stronger and have so much more compassion for others. This process makes you kinder and much more considerate as you know what deep pain and grief feels like. Wishing you all the best for your next transfer xx

[vic77 in reply to HollieW]

thanks hun..yes I ruled out adoption we both did as I work with traumatised children and see first had sometimes the impact of early experiences however we have decided to remain open and meet this couple to help our thinking too xx

[E_05]

Glad you’ve been able to have a much needed break! I agree the book is amazing, Zoe and all the team just ‘get it’ not sure where I’d of been without them after my first mmc.

Wishing you lots of luck for this next cycle, remember how strong you are xx

[vic77 in reply to E_05]

I keep reading bits out to my dh..it is just fab so spot on with how I feel..have you been to one of her services? I suggested it to my parents and they told me they didn't want to go as have moved on and that I should too which I found very upsetting as I always want to remember our baby but that doesn't mean I am not moving on..her book helps so much to normalise all my feelings xx

[Cinderella5]

Hey, Im glad you have found some things that are helping you along the road to recovery! Sounds like you are both getting there, although Im sure its a long long road! Your date for the scratch is absolutely fine. So long as its around day 23 then that is fine! Good luck, hope it goes ok!xxx

[vic77 in reply to Cinderella5]

thanks hun..hope you doing ok..here we might be cycle buddies xx

[katya38]

Hi vic sounds like your holiday did you the world of good 😀😀 u are so brave to keep on going but in your heart you will know whats right 💓 i was not at all in your shoes as we didn't ever get pregnant or miscarry but if u ever want any advise about ad option just get in touch. Its very different in scotland and a lot of groups online focus more on the English system. I personally felt relief when we agreed on adoption and with us going to our final matching panel next week for our gorgeous girl know it was the right decision. Good luck and thinking of you. Its been a hell of a journey but think how grateful we ll be when our babies are in our arms. We ve spent 5 years now trying to have a family from when we first started trying to conceive and i know ill cherish every second xxx

[vic77 in reply to katya38]

I am so pleased and proud of you. ..wow next week that is so exciting..when might your baby come home? how old is she?? how long did it all take?xx

[katya38 in reply to vic77]

Thanks vic. 😙😙 shes 2 and a half. Shes gorgeous and has had amazing foster parents since 6 m old. There are no issues at all so hoping she settles ok with us. We ve bn told we ll prob meet her mid sept and she d come home about a week to 10 days later. Its only taken us 17 months from initial visit to matching panel which for scotland wasnt long. And the process hasnt been too bad just the waiting gets to you. Take care xx

[vic77 in reply to katya38]

wow amazing. I may pm you if ok if we have questions later on..think we need to be clear of treatment for a bit anyway xx

[katya38 in reply to vic77]

Yea of course. My email is [e-mail]. im not on here that much now. Usually u need to wait 6 months. We didn't have to we only waited 4 months but think cos we d had counselling and only been through it once that was why x

[Dunla]

Such a moving post Vic. Wishing you the very best of luck as you go forward now. I share your wish for you that this is your baby too. Lots of love Dxx

[vic77 in reply to Dunla]

thanks hun .hope you well xxx

[7AVA]

Sending so much hope to you Vic. Very pleased to hear you managed to enjoy your holiday, this is such a hard journey and we all need some treats and comfort. Lots of luck for your FET xxxx

[vic77]

thanks hun..hope you well xxx