Advice...

[AbbeyT]

Hi there, I was wondering if anyone had any advice as to how they deal with other people’s pregnancy announcements? I find myself going through phases of feeling happy for them, devastated it’s not me, and bitter towards them. How do other people manage this? Sometimes I feel like I might burst I feel so angry and upset about other people experiencing something I’m desperate for, but I feel so unreasonable!!

[Tugsgirl]

Well you’re not being unreasonable. The feelings you’re describing are perfectly normal when you’re dealing with infertility. Unfortunately there’s no quick fix, if at all. The more I struggle on this journey the harder it gets. All you can do is take it a day at a time. Sit tight. Know that you’re feelings are beyond your control in this situation. Don’t be too hard on yourself. And know that you are not alone now that you are a part of this forum xx

[AbbeyT in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. Sometimes (a lot of the time!) I feel as though I’m the only one experiencing these problems whilst everyone around me gets pregnant! It’s really helpful to know I’m not alone with these feelings xx

[Bule84]

Hie Abbey jst to reassure you its totally normal hun,i find it very difficult to be happy for other people when they announce their pregnancies.I know its bad but i have distanced myself from close friends who have new babies i jst can't cope with it.So you are not alone hun.

[AbbeyT in reply to Bule84]

Thank you for you reassurance... I understand you distancing yourself from friends with babies. At the moment I am trying so hard to embrace being around my friends and their babies, I worry that if I don’t I might become even more bitter and twisted about it! Though if it works for you, you’ve got to do what you need to in order to feel ok xx

[AllWeNeedIsluv]

It's absolutely normal what your feeling hun. The fact your pushing yourself to be around friends babies is very admirable and your reason makes a lot of sense. When I was struggling years ago my sister gave birth she avoided me when I didn't want to avoid her. I think we're all different in the way we deal with our emotions but we definitely feel the same emotions when we're struggling and it's all normal. Like tugsgirl said the support on here is amazing no matter what stage of the journey your in. We all 'get it' we all try to follow each others journeys and have love for one another. If you need to rant we're here if you need to cry we're here if you just need to talk and tell us what's going on in your day we're all here. Sending you lots of love hun and remember your feelings are totally normal your human not iron woman 💗🤗😘

[AbbeyT in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv]

Thanks you, that’s really lovely to hear 😘 xx

[Hidden]

It’s really difficult, I feel like every 2 minutes there is a pregnancy announcement around me but I seem to be able to detach myself from whatever is happening. I seem to have the feeling that it’s not me so it doesn’t affect me, if that makes sense? This process is stressful enough without concerning myself with what is happening in other people’s lives x

[AbbeyT in reply to Hidden]

There really does seem to be an announcement all the time doesn’t there?! That’s good you can detach yourself from it, some days it feels harder to react to others’ news than other days xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to AbbeyT]

I was also fairly like this but in the last couple of weeks I’ve started to really struggle. I don’t want to be that person who avoids new babies and pregnant people but it seems I have become her! Previously I used to cope by reminding myself I don’t want their babies, I want my own, and infertility is not something I would wish on anyone. But I think I’ve really lost hope we will have our own and now it hurts to hear about pregnancy. Also, in the last week I’ve dealt with a colleague announcing pregnancy so all the talk in the staff room is of that, another friends sending me photos of her positive tests (she’s being a surrogate and I recommended our clinic to them so I’m very involved but still hard to see her test) and another colleague describing his wife’s recent labour to me including how he felt when the baby’s head crowned and how amazing his partner is for giving him a child. Talk about a difficult week!!

[AbbeyT in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

That sounds like a really tough week... I really empathise. People seem to be so oblivious about how much they go on about it in front of people, and don’t pick up on cues that others might not be in a positive situation like they are! Xx

[jenny34]

Hi, you are not alone in having these feelings. I would say just allow yourself to feel how you feel ; these feelings are perfectly understandable and normal in these circumstances. And do what you need to to make it as easy as possible on yourself; unfollow people on social media (they don't have to know), allow yourself time to cry . You are NOT alone and it is one of the hardest things in the world to have to go through xxx

[AbbeyT in reply to jenny34]

Thank you, that’s good advice about social media!! Xx

[Jo_Se]

I agree with the above you can also. (See less from)

I'm exactly the same. More angry when it's either "Happy accidents" and one woman at work is about the most selfish un maternal person. But her husband was very broody (so she said)... so bippityboppity baby. Fills me with rage. But it's hard when it's a close friend..

Overall

If it's social media filter it. At work I put my headphones on when people go on and on. Other than that as you say make an effort if you can. If not just put a polite smile on and don't ask how the pregnancy is going. Talk about something else if you need to talk to them.

Xx

[AbbeyT in reply to Jo_Se]

Thank you, that’s all really helpful. Mainly it’s good to hear other people feel the same as me about it! Xx

[Hidden]

It's very normal. I also feel that way. I will collate some thoughts that help me, with the hope some of them can help you too:

I try and believe It will be me some day, and until that day I will enjoy the "advantages" on not being pregnant.

If It is somebody not very close, I try and detach. I speak to a counsellor every other time and I was surprised when she told me that I shouldn't forze myself to share their joy and be part of It. You are happy for them, but you don't have to, on top of that, be with them, talking about the pregnancy, etc.

If it is someone very close (sister, best friend) I try and enjoy the baby feeling it's a little mine too. For me the hardest is being with the mums, the babies are easier 😊

Sometimes I end up speaking with some of those pregnant women about how they also struggled to get where they are, and the stories turno into a story of hope!

Otherwise I just cry, swear and vent. And read you to see I am not alone nor crazy!!

[AbbeyT in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, these responses are really perking me up. I also think a lot about the things we are able to do whilst not pregnant... it’s good to see that as well as rational responses, other people also just cry, vent and swear!! Xx

[Hidden]

You're feelings are exactly the same as mine and probably most womans who are TTC. Firstly, please don't be hard on yourself. I think all these emotions are normal. I think of it like the stages of grief every time we get AF or someone announces their pregnancy. This is probably one of the hardest things we face in life, that incredible yearning. I think it's like being seriously hungry and being forced to sit at a table with people eating amazing food and you're not allowed any. You wouldn't be expected to not feel left out, more hungry, angry, jealous etc.

I get really excited for people when they announce their pregnancies and I offer to knit for them etc etc and then I go home and sob my heart out. It is what it is. We are human. One day it might stop hurting and we will have our own babies. I tell you what though I hope I will be super sensitive to other infertile woman though because I wouldn't want to make them feel the way we feel right now.

[AbbeyT in reply to Hidden]

You describe it so well, at times it feels like such a desperate yearning and I don’t know what to do with such desperation. I almost wish I had a close friend going through the same thing so that I can cry to them, as my friends are great but they haven’t had such difficulties in conceiving or aren’t at that stage yet. I also don’t want to appear to be an unstable mess to my husband, he finds it difficult too but wants to be strong for both of us. Your words are such a reflection of my own thoughts and feelings! Xx

[Hidden in reply to AbbeyT]

I'm glad you can relate. It's so difficult isn't it. Just never lose hope. We have decided to adopt two embryos so are starting the drugs soon then go to Prague for the procedure in January. I don't have much time left really, I'm 45.

I hope things work out for you soon. X

[MrsR1988]

I cry....a lot!! You are not unreasonable to feel like this! I feel exactly the same and although I can’t help you with a way of dealing with it, I can say you’re not alone x

[AbbeyT in reply to MrsR1988]

Thank you 😘 just knowing other people feel exactly the same helps a lot, this is why I was keen to find something such as this forum xx

[MrsR1988 in reply to AbbeyT]

The ladies on here are so helpful and just know exactly what to say! It’s a horrible process we’re all going through but I hope you get your light at the end of the tunnel x

[AbbeyT in reply to MrsR1988]

Thank you, same to you! Xx

[vic77]

I know it can feel like such a lonely place but this is why we have each other on here..please know I have felt the very same and as immediately as last night..after our first counselling appointment which I felt better after a pal called to say she was pregnant by ivf but much easier than me..I can't describe how I felt and been tearful ever since. this is such a cruel cruel journey. I am sending love and hugs xxxx

[AbbeyT in reply to vic77]

This forum is a great place to reflect and vent knowing other people have a good idea about how each other is feeling. I find the balance of happy for people/gutted it isn’t me, so difficult at times too. Lots of love and luck to you too xx

[Kittygoo]

What you are feeling is totally normal. Since I have been ttc a total of 12 women in my work place have announced pregnancies. Of course I am pleased for them but I have had more than a few little cries in the ladies. The worst was a good work friend crying on my shoulder because she was upset that she had got pregnant again so soon after having her first baby 😣 You are definitely not alone and this forum is a wonderful support . I don't know what I would do without it some days xxx

[AbbeyT in reply to Kittygoo]

Oh no that’s awful! I’m a social worker and work with many young women who ‘just fall’ pregnant but are not in a positive situation to care for their children, I’m finding this harder to face at work each day! Xx

[Hidden]

For me it totally depends on who is announcing the pregnancy. The people on here, I'm always so happy for as I know everyone has struggled, and for each person who gets pregnant following that struggle, it gives me hope. The same goes if a friend or colleague has struggled (my boss recently announced her pregnancy but it was through IVF and she has been so supportive of my meltdowns).

I'm really struggling with my cousin who had a baby recently as she went from being supportive to totally flippant about my struggles the moment she got pregnant. It was as if the fact that she got pregnant meant that I was making it difficult for myself and that I was in some way to blame. I also struggle with some of our same sex couple friends as the period of time between them making the decision, choosing a donor and getting pregnant seems to be about the same length of time it takes me to get one NHS appointment!

The "we never expected to get pregnant first time" couples will always irritate me, and I suspect will do long after we've had our little miracle. And the couples who haven't got pregnant with their second child within 2 months of trying, and immediately marching down to the doctors. They really infuriate me.

The volume of responses just shows that we are all totally normal in feeling this way. I'm glad we have each other to talk to x

[AbbeyT in reply to Hidden]

Absolutely, it is comforting to know that the things I’m feeling or thinking are echoed by everyone here xx

[EleJen]

Hi, I've never posted on here before but everyone's comments have made me feel so much better!! I feel like a bitter witch getting upset (everyone around me is either pregnant or has had a baby in the last 3 years whilst we've been trying) and really thought it was just me being a bad person!! I'm happy for friends but still can't help crying when I'm home... I've had to unfollow nearly everyone (my husband has a very fertile family, I am very judged by them as we've been together so long but no kids).. Recon we'll all be super nice and supportive to anyone if we find out a friend is struggling tho, the amount of understanding amongst you all is immense xx

[AbbeyT in reply to EleJen]

I can empathise with the feeling like a bitter witch haha! It is such a sensitive topic and some people really have no idea how difficult it is, but with supportive partners and forums like this it makes it that bit easier to manage xx

[Positive2022]

Totally normal lovely, i have experienced all those emotions and have had so many wobbles over pregnancy announcements. The support on here is amazing and it's good place to vent any frustration. Sending you BIG hugs xxx

[AbbeyT in reply to Positive2022]

Thank you 😘 same to you too xx

[Chloegreenkiwi]

Yes totally normal and seems like everyone feels the same! Just to let u know I’ve stopped looking at Facebook as that drives me mad but tried to be fairly ok with it when I’ve heard from close friends although the last time it happened i ended up crying my eyes out in bed with a lump of cheese and a bag of monster munch! So it gets to us all! Just feel how you feel and vent on here!! 😊

[AbbeyT in reply to Chloegreenkiwi]

Haha I might try the cheese and monster munch route! Thanks, everyone has been lovely on here and it’s so good to know others feel just the same xx